Sincerely, The Cassette Tape
by allyssumdays
Summary: He walked into his apartment, made his way to the kitchen; saw the answering machine sitting on the table. After a moment of deliberation, he pressed 'play'. AkuRoku, AU, Complete; Read The Warnings- they're funny and informative!
1. Versatility

**Warnings:** This has a rating of MATURE for a reason. There is man sex. A great deal of this is, in fact, man sex. If you want to read until then, Axel makes a point of telling you when it's about to begin. If you don't like man sex, I respect that. Now respect me; you have been warned very blatantly, and now I'm finished. Leave if you would like.

* * *

_He walked into his apartment, tossed his keys onto the counter, and made his way into the kitchen. Instantly his eyes were drawn to the retro-style answering machine sitting innocently on the table__._

_After a moment of deliberation he pressed 'play' and sat to listen._

"_Hey. Roxas."_

_The voice was unfamiliar-- but then, most were these days._

"_Good to know you made it home alright. I was a little worried you wouldn't find this, but... Anyways, I just wanted to say I'm sorry; and um... I knew this was coming, but it just... caught me off guard more than I thought it would, so... I'm not gonna be around for a while. I'm not-- I won't let you go, alright? I just want to make sure I can keep things together like this..."_

_His heart was thumping painfully in his chest. There was a sadness in the voice, a regret he could feel like emptiness in his core._

"_I know things are gonna be tough for you, but trust yourself. You've got a good head on your shoulders and an amazing heart. Live your life, kiddo. I'll see you around."_

_And like that, the message was over. With shaking hands, he opened the machine and pulled out the tape. In neat, black-ink handwriting, it was signed:  
_

**Sincerely, The Cassette Tape**

"I still can't believe I'm letting you talk me into this."

His companion, grinning like a madman, remarked, "Sure you can!"

Both were tall and thin, of similar ages. One had dangerous spikes of vermilion framing his face to draw attention to his gentle, brilliant green eyes; the other kept his blonde hair in a surprisingly tasteful mullet, sea-green eyes full of unending humor.

They were an oddly matched pair; but they were best friends, and the redhead had just moved into the area, and it was the other's self-appointed duty to show him a good time.

"So where are we going, Demyx?"

Grinning still, the blonde replied jokingly, "Where no man has gone before!"

"Explains why _you_'ve been there."

Demyx threw him a look of exaggerated hurt, demanding, "Axel, why are you so mean to me?!"

"You let me get away with it," He replied lightly without missing a beat, adding, "You haven't answered my question yet."

With a small _hmph_, Demyx retorted, "Pull the stick outta your ass and I might."

Axel rolled his eyes, and finally granted the other a small smirk. "Sorry, guess I'm kinda nervous. It's been a while since I've been forced into social environments."

"Yeah, well, Larxene won't be around this time," Demyx assured him, "So you should be alright."

He tried to ignore memories of an ex-psycho as Axel asked, "So who _is_ gonna be around?"

"I dunno," Demyx replied innocently. "We'll find out when we get there."

After a moment, Axel reached out and smacked him in the back of the head.

"Ouch! What the hell is _that_?!"

"Where the hell is _there_?!"

* * *

'There' turned out to be a relaxed, mellowed bar, for which Axel was immensely grateful. Demyx had a history, back in their high school days, of magically getting them into clubs filled with music whose bass was the only thing you could hear and strobe lights that made it hard to tell which gender you were talking to.

But this was a grown-up place, for people who worked for a living and came, not to party, but to unwind and find peaceful companionship.

Which made no sense; Axel turned to Demyx and asked, "How did _you_ find a place like this?"

"I work here." Demyx hopped over the bar as he continued, "This here's my baby."

Then, to the other's skeptical look, "What, the great Dancing-Flames-Axel gets to grow up but I can't? How hair-color-ist."

"Not again with the blonde conspiracy theory thing," Axel rolled his eyes before taking a seat. "So the reason we're here is because you have to work?"

He received a 'neither this nor that' shrug from Demyx as he explained, "I wanted to get you out of your apartment before you started working. I don't know what kind of hours you'll keep doing whatever it is you do for a living, and I thought you should know where I'll be and that you can find me here."

Axel smiled, reaching up to scuffle with the blonde locks, as he had for many years. "Thanks, Dem. So how 'bout a beer?"

"Can I see some ID?" Demyx countered mockingly, already knowing Axel was a couple of months older than he and the best beer to pass to him.

Sliding his green eyes shut for a moment, Axel let himself drift for a moment. The air was warm and familial, the voices resting on it at ease with each other and the music.

He grinned, taking a sip of his drink. _This is good._

For a while he sat and just existed there. When someone new walked in Demyx would welcome them informally and ask their poison, preparing it with understated ease. He amused a few of the usuals along the counter, others in the background talking amongst themselves. Now and then they'd call for a new song or someone's attention to their needs, but relatively it was quiet.

At some point Axel realized the seat beside him had gained a patron. A young blonde; he almost looked too young to be there. He must've come there often, because Demyx tossed him a bottle without comment. Nodding appreciatively at the calluses on the other's hands, Axel thought no more on the subject.

Or he thought he didn't. But every few minutes Axel found himself wondering what he did to warrant such blemishes on the slim, graceful hands. And it was strange, he said to himself, how soft they looked even with calluses. He shook his head from such ponderings, chiding that it was none of his business.

But he couldn't stop himself from glancing back over, and was shocked to find crystal-clear, deep blue eyes staring back challengingly.

"What."

Axel could hear that it wasn't a question at all, but he replied honestly, "Sorry, I was wondering about your hands."

"...My hands?" The younger replied warily.

He nodded, continuing, "I mean, no offense, you just don't look like you do manual labor, but you have calluses on your hands. I was wondering what you did to get them."

"Oh." Thusly consoled and returning to his beer, Axel was answered, "Recreational activities back in the day, I guess."

Laughing Axel returned amiably, "Once again, no offense, kid, but you look like you were _conceived_ in the day."

"...I must be a happy drunk," Mused the other lightly. "Or else not very drunk. I'm not offended. I get told things like that a lot. But I'm legal, barely, and that's all that matters to the barkeep."

"Yeah, well, that's Demyx for ya," Axel agreed with a subdued smile.

With a light, reflective tone, the young blonde murmured, "Is that his name? I've been meaning to ask..."

"Oh really?" Axel leaned just slightly towards him, asking in a just-this side of teasing way, "Why's that? Crushing on him?"

Blue eyes rolled, but at the same time smiled as the other replied, "Nah. Not my type. Call it my phobia, I like knowing as much as I can about places I frequent."

"I see. Then here," Axel extended his arm and announced, "Commit this to memory; name's Axel."

A bittersweet glean entered his eyes, but he returned the gesture with, "Roxas."

"So who is your type?"

He surprised himself more than he surprised Roxas. It'd been a long time since he'd had any romantic relationships, and for the most part he'd always been against the 'hook up' ideals that people in his age group seemed to favor. But there was something in the air, the booze, the cavernous cerulean eyes that assured him _this one, this night, just this once._

Roxas gave him a slight smile. "You're drunk."

"I can hold my alcohol well enough," Axel returned. "It's an innocent question."

Even as his eyes wrote _bullshit_ across the other's forehead, Roxas replied, "The type that won't ask me to give them a call sometime."

Though he marveled at the almost bitterly amused way Roxas relayed his preference, Axel found himself observing softly, "Sounds like a lonely way to live."

"You have no idea," Was the tired admission, countered with a slightly brighter, "But what type are you?"

With an unassuming shrug, Axel replied, "I adjust."

Their eyes met for a soft moment. Both saw something foreign and unsettling: in the blue eyes rested a deep fatalistic chill; in the green, the tender warmth of nostalgia.

Roxas looked away first; after taking another, final swallow of his beer, he asked in an oddly low voice, "If I leave, are you coming?"

"That depends," Axel answered, his own voice husky and dark, "Do you want me to?"

He received only a glance before Roxas started away. Of course, Axel went after him.

Once they were outside, the pair paused, until Axel pushed the smaller against the building wall; well, more like he tipped over on top of Roxas (but gracefully).

"And you had me thinking you could hold your alcohol," Roxas chuckled, hands against the broad shoulders.

Breathing softly down Roxas's neck, Axel muttered in retort, "I can hold it just fine. It's the balancing part that's hard."

That said, Axel pressed his lips against Roxas's, gently pulling him further into the street. Just as Axel pushed for a deeper caress, Roxas pulled back, taking a deep breath.

Finally he said firmly, "I'm not gonna play mind games."

"Okay," Replied Axel without hesitation, kissing Roxas lightly and waiting for him to continue as he knew he would.

Sure enough, "I won't beg, I won't call you Master--"

"Alright," The other chuckled, kissing him with a bit more force.

Roxas seemed slightly tense as he added, "And don't even think about hitting--"

"Kid," Axel lifted his chin to gather the younger's attention, "I get it. A good, old-fashion, no surprise, guy-on-guy fuck. Simple enough."

Unable to keep from smiling, Roxas had to collect his thoughts before murmuring against Axel's neck, "Just don't ask anything more of me than tonight, okay?"

"...Tonight it is," Axel returned directly into Roxas's ear, then again sealed their lips tenderly.

When he asked for entrance, Roxas welcomed him with an almost teasing battle of dominance. Axel ground their hips together, chuckling at the soft moan that slip from Roxas's mouth to his.

He pulled away briefly to ask breathily, "Where to?"

"My place, c'mon." Roxas pulled him at a brick walk down the street without another word.

* * *

It took them ten minutes to reach the blonde's apartment; they were outside the building a few minutes longer because Axel was still having a hard time balancing his beer. But in time they had made their way up the stairs, down the hall, and through a few doors to arrive in the bedroom.

The blonde found himself shoved against the door he'd just closed, Axel nibbling and suckling along his collarbone; he seemed intent on tasting as much of Roxas as he could without removing any clothing. But his touches were slow, warming, unhurried as though he wanted to make the fullest of the night for the both of them. Roxas's breathing quickened, fingers threading through the crimson spikes in an attempt to stay vertical for the time being.

Axel loved the trembling that raced up and down the other's spine as he moved his hands to pull off the lovingly worn tee-shirt over Roxas's head, instantly moving to run the flat of his tongue from navel to the already assaulted pulsing vein just under Roxas's jaw. He couldn't help but smirk as Roxas arched against him, pulling Axel up by his hair to tangle tongues again. When his amusement was noticed, Roxas retorted with a nip to Axel's lower lip.

Now it was Roxas's turn to assist the other in undressing, his task daunted by a stream of buttons. Growling in tried patience, he started meticulously pushing each through its respective slot with surprisingly nimble fingers. As he slid the collar off of Axel's shoulders, the redhead took the opportunity to bite the tender flesh of Roxas's neck-- hard. Vindictively, Roxas's fingers curled into the taut muscles lining Axel's back, leaving angry red welts in their retreating wake.

Grinning, Axel kissed Roxas playfully to apologize, hands drifting lower and lower until they rested just above the already throbbing mass of muscles in Roxas's jeans. As Axel's fingers pressed and toyed with the fastening, the blonde could only groan and rock his hips against Axel's, hands gripping at anything to keep him steady. Once Axel pulled down the zipper, however, and slid his hand slid into the stressed boxers within, Roxas gave up and started to move the two towards the bed.

He was caught off guard when Axel pulled him into his arms, but none the less wrapped his legs around the thin waist. His arms encircled Axel's neck; in return, the redhead held Roxas against his chest and closed the space between their faces, kissing him hotly as he made his way to the bed. The first step caused a soft gasp of pleasure from the friction, echoed back as the skin-on-skin contact slowly drove Axel insane.

Finally Axel laid Roxas gently on the mattress, resting over him, pressing against him. Axel's hand returned to harass Roxas's cock, not that the younger complained. He was working on pulling the elder's pants off, pushing one knee teasingly against Axel's own arousal. Soon they were both bare, hands running up and down and _down_, and it would be so easy to just jump over the edge and enjoy the flight down and deal with the end when they got there, but--

Better judgment getting the better of him, Roxas broke their heated kiss, muttering quietly, "Wait, wait, wait."

Once he was sure he had Axel's attention he asked breathlessly, "Condom?"

"...Lube?" Axel countered.

It wasn't for another minute or two that they set to find the listed item; Roxas to his end table drawer, Axel to his pants on the floor.

When he returned to face Roxas, Axel found himself directly in front of his companion's trembling erection. Smacking his lips, he dragged his tongue from the base of the underside all the way to the tip, tracing circles in the sensitive flesh. Above him, Roxas nearly managed to stifle a groan, rolling his hips for encouragement. But Axel only grinned wickedly, lipped tenderly, almost but not quite enveloping the younger's need, holding his body still.

Moments of the torture put Roxas in a hazed state of desire, one hand twisted the sheets at his side, the other trying to direct Axel's ministrations via a handful of hair. Futilely, it seemed, since Axel would cleverly distract him by dragging one hand along the pale, shaking ribs before Roxas could get his way. But finally Axel extended a hand, motioning for the bottle of lotion the blonde had nearly thrown from the bed in his frustrations. Roxas glared at him for a moment before passing it over.

Gently, Axel pressed a well-lubricated finger into the blonde, monitoring his features for pain. The way he released a short breath, head tipping back and torso arching beautifully, assured Axel he was free to continue. As he pushed another appendage in, his lips parted to take in every pulsing inch of Roxas, loving the unrestrained moan it caused. He settled into a rhythm between the thrusts of his fingers and the rise and fall of his head, drinking in the sounds and taste Roxas gave him.

After he was sure that Roxas was satisfactorily prepared, Axel kissed his way up to the other's lips, chuckling at how hungrily Roxas pushed into his mouth.

"Need something to do with your hands?" He asked in light of them working on putting holes in the bedding.

In response, he received a breathy _hmph_ and, "Just give me the damned thing."

Not needing a further push, Axel slip the small packet into the tense hands, which then pushed him back a bit to give Roxas better access. Roxas amused himself by nipping the muscles of Axel's chest as he ground his palm down Axel's length before grasping it in an almost surprisingly firm grip. For a few agonizing moments, he simply changed the pressure exerted by each finger while sliding his fist slowly up and sharply down, taking his revenge from Axel strangled growls of animalistic hunger.

Only then did he extract the condom from its wrappings and slide it gracefully from tip to base; he felt the soft exhale of relief and chuckled. Axel was obviously a very sensitive creature.

"You damned tease," Axel muttered as he pressed Roxas back against the mattress, hovering above him.

With a shrug, Roxas challenged, "Who's teasing? Not like I'm just gonna stop."

Axel conceded with a slight nod before leaning down for another kiss as he prepared to enter the small blonde.

Roxas writhed under him, asking wordlessly for Axel to just move, dammit. So slowly, gently, Axel pushed his cock into the unbearably tight heat; he heard Roxas's teeth click together, he paused to give him time to adjust, kissing the underside of his jaw and drawing his fingers lightly against Roxas's ribs.

Gradually Roxas's breathing evened out, and prompted Axel to murmur, "Alright?"

"Alright," agreed the other, nodding, kissing whatever part of Axel he could reach at the moment.

It was all he needed to hear, and Axel pushed a bit further to find the bundle of muscles that sent a tremor of ecstasy down Roxas's spine, curling him against Axel's welcoming form. Wrapping an arm under him, Axel pulled away to thrust again, loving the feel of Roxas's skin on his own, the blunt nails searching for a hold somewhere on his back, the throaty groans that pushed for him to go faster, harder,all without a true word.

Everything about Roxas seemed so very-very-_right_ and it was driving Axel insane.

He could feel his end creeping, building inside of him, reminding him that Roxas needed just a little more attention. Heeding this unfamiliar instinct, he wrapped a hand around the heavy arousal, bringing new depth to Roxas's throes of pure and unadulterated _want_. They had found a deep, quick pattern, each thrust, stroke, kiss and moan in perfect harmony.

When Axel finally felt himself tipping over the edge, he could only keep himself from crying out by again biting on the younger's shoulder, not able to feel the return vice-grip in his hair as Roxas joined him in oblivion, bucking their hips together hard enough to leave bruises.

Axel was shakily staring down at Roxas when his senses returned to him; taking several deep breaths, he managed to disentangle himself and lay down next to his bedmate. Roxas seemed to be in no better shape, breathing so shallow and silent Axel had to physically check to be sure. All he had to do was brush his hand along the bruised shoulder for Roxas to draw a large gasp of air, reassuring the elder that he was indeed alive.

"I thought I'd killed you for a second," He muttered with an airy, soft laugh.

Roxas gave him a small smile. "Not this time, Axel." They were silent for some time before Roxas asked, "Staying the night?"

"Are you alright with that?" Axel asked in return.

Tiredly, the blonde rolled over to seal their lips together once more, adding, "You were drinking. It'd be irresponsible to kick you out."

It drew a warm, deep chuckle. "Then thanks for looking out for me."

"No worries," Roxas yawned, resting against the pillow next to Axel's shoulder.

He watched the blue eyes drift closed several times before they remained that way; Axel waited a while longer before letting himself fall asleep beside him. In his head, he had one thought:

_And I promised him I wouldn't ask for anything more. Goddamn idiot._

* * *

He wasn't sure how long he'd slept when he awoke. All Axel knew was that the bed beside him was empty, and the alarm read just after two in the morning.

Groggily, he pulled himself from the bed, looking around for Roxas. Instead he found a small note on the pillow; he had to maneuver the lamp before he could read it:

_Feel free to take a shower; door on the left._

Looking up he knew which was the right door (that is, the left one) because it was open. Not one to be ungrateful, Axel made his way to the bathroom to clear away the strong scent of sex that clung deliciously to his skin. Whilst en route he was amazed at the immaculate organization the room held; everything had a place, and it seemed like every place had a thing. He hadn't noticed how small the apartment was, but then, he amended, it fit for a young bachelor.

The shower was set at, presumably, Roxas's preferred temperature. Axel grinned once he stepped into the searing heat. He was liking the kid's tastes more and more. It all felt very surreal and oh-so familiar, like he'd lived and loved the same person a long time ago. Like riding a motorcycle; the speed and the balance felt so damn _right_.

Axel distracted himself from these thoughts by inspecting the blonde's toiletries. A clean towel and wash-cloth waited for him. Bar soap, shampoo, conditioner; as he used each in turn, he found the scents comforting. It was strange to stand in someone's shower and appreciate their soap, but there he was. He vaguely remembered the same smells on Roxas when he had first kissed him the night before, and knew he would forever associate the two together.

He showered for a good twenty minutes before pushing the unadjusted knob that stopped the water flow. He took a minute to mostly dry his hair before drying his body meticulously; cold air be damned, he wasn't getting water on the floor. Finally he wrapped the towel around his waist to search for his clothes.

Once redressed in his shirt and boxers, he ventured from the room. Instantly he found Roxas sitting at the small dining room table, eyes fixed to a laptop screen. He was surprised to see glasses perched on the younger's nose but the dark room explained everything.

"You should turn on a lamp, you know."

Roxas smirked, but his gaze was unwavering as he answered, "I should do a lot of things."

"Like sleep?" Axel offered, moving to inspect the screen, "Are these.... archives?"

"Medical journals," Roxas corrected, reaching for a small mug; the scent proved it to be coffee.

_The scent?_ The redhead was appalled at how alert his senses were around Roxas.

Before Roxas could set his emptied cup back on the table, Axel grabbed it, headed towards the kitchen and called softly, "How do you take your coffee?"

"...In a cup with a little milk."

Axel chuckled. _Of course in a cup_. Though there was probably an interesting story to accompany that particular instruction, so he let it be. Silently, he poured hot coffee into the mug, adding milk a second later before returning it to the waiting blonde, who murmured _thanks_ without looking away from the screen.

Oddly, Axel settled on the floor next to Roxas's chair, asking softly, "So you leave bed at two in the morning to read medical journals?"

A shrugging Roxas replied, "What can I say, I focus better after sex."

"Heh. Then here's some advice, kiddo," Axel chuckled softly, "Find yourself a roommate."

Unable to stop himself, he brushed his fingers along the bare flesh of Roxas's thigh, toying with the hem of the blonde's boxers.

Roxas stiffened a little before looking down and asking, almost teasingly, "Are you trying to seduce me?"

"Well, I did alright last time," Axel agreed with a feral grin, adding, "But ultimately, I do what I do because I feel like it."

The other rolled his eyes and didn't answer.

Axel stared up at him a moment before asking tentatively, "So why do you live by yourself?"

"...I have a hard time committing to relationships," Roxas answered softly, staring at his hands for a moment.

The light, bitter tone was nearly impossible to catch, but Axel heard just enough to feel it and wonder, "Any particular reason?"

"Because to have a successful relationship of _any_ kind," Roxas explained as though he'd done it a thousand times, "You have to work at it. And I don't."

Tilting his head to one side, Axel side-stepped the obvious _why_ that he wanted to asked and instead muttered sheepishly, "I'm bothering you..."

Roxas let out a soft breath and replied, "A little, yes."

"Forgive me."

It was a strange way to apologize, and Roxas had to look down at him to make sure he wasn't being mocked. Finding true remorse in the green eyes, he couldn't help but smile, softly.

He let his hand drift to interlace their fingers, just for a moment.

"I forgive you."

Axel grinned, kissing the palm given him before releasing it; they fell into comfortable silence, save for the occasional typing and clicking from the laptop. Now and again, Axel would take a deep breath and hold it for a moment, for reasons unknown to the blonde. Secretly, Axel hated the idea that, once daylight hit, he would leave and very likely not talk to Roxas again.

That was his type, after all.

Of course, Axel was not so naïve to think that Roxas would change for him.

* * *

They parted ways in front of the building around six-thirty; Axel needed to return to his own apartment and attend to things there, and Roxas muttered something about research.

Research on what, Axel didn't ask; though he wanted to, very badly. But it was none of his business.

But he did ask, "Supposing I see you at the bar again sometime?"

"Supposing you did," Roxas agreed, offering nothing more.

Axel scrutinized the tone for a moment before kissing him for perhaps the last time. Then he offered jokingly, "I won't be calling you."

"Good," The blonde approved, with an odd sound of pleasant defeat. "I won't be calling you either."

With that he turned and walked away, head up, shoulders back, looking more like they'd agreed to meet in five minutes. Axel stood for a little longer before following suit, turning the opposite direction to head back to where it all started.

He was surprised to catch Demyx wandering out as he walked past.

"Did you just close?"

Grinning, Demyx replied, "Nah, we close around four. I wanted to wait for you, so I did inventory and gave the place a twice over. And had a lot of coffee."

He stepped up to him and continued conversationally, "So what's this, a hickey? Or did you burn yourself on a straightener?"

"Which one is more believable?" Axel asked, scratching the nape of his neck sheepishly.

"You gonna see him again?"

As he let out a slow breath the redhead replied, "Only if we both end up here at the bar again."

"...But you want to." Demyx posed it so it was meant to be a question, even though he knew the answer.

When Axel didn't answer, he nodded. "Well, he comes in every now and again. I'm sure you'll end up sharing a drink before long."

They spent the chilly walk home in relative silence. Demyx had seen Axel go through a lot of rocky starts, ends, and middles of relationships, and knew what Axel needed most was the quiet.

Children, this is why they're best friends. They both know too much about the other.

* * *

The idea for this story has humble beginnings: my best friend's dream. It comes loosely from a tee-shirt that was supposed to be one of those hilariously witty things. It read "Dear WHEEEEEE, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah NASA blah blah blah. Sincerely, The Cassette Tape." We're not sure what it said anymore, but it was just the last line that stuck with me and then this happened, and well... it doesn't make sense now, but it will. Trust me, this isn't all there is.

Anyway, if you liked this, send a review. If you want more, send a review. If you think it's absolute crap, send a review. Give me something to know it's being read!


	2. Revelations

**Warning:** No man-sex. Just thought I'd let you know ahead of time.

* * *

Axel returned to his newly acquired home, still holding more boxes than anything else. He deposited his keys on the counter, walked into the kitchen, and made his own coffee.

It was going to be a long day.

Over the next few hours he managed to set up his living room, hanging a few pictures of his younger brother and others he'd left behind. Not far behind, only a forty-minute drive or so down the highway, but far enough that he wouldn't see them everyday.

From there he moved to finish unpacking various pans and dishes in the kitchen; in retrospect, he decided, he needn't have taken so many dishes. He easily had enough to feed six people a six-course meal. But of course, he knew it was his mom's way of getting herself new dishes, so argue he did not.

The bathroom took about five minutes, and his room was already set up to his liking.

Looking around his apartment Axel suddenly realized its size. It was really too big for just one person. If his new job hadn't insisted he lived there, he wouldn't. But he also wasn't going to argue, since it was better to have too much space than not enough. There were ways to fill emptiness.

He thought of Roxas. And, dammit--!

Axel missed him.

* * *

Days went by slowly for a while. Axel had started working for an engineering company, drafting designs for different machinery and the like. It was an interesting career, he had to admit, and it paid well, so he did his eight-hours daily and spent the rest of his time doing pretty much nothing. Which would explain why everything felt so empty.

But every night, he'd end up walking Demyx to work. Then the blonde would make him sit and have at least one beer.

"Hey, leading experts say it's good for you," He explained one day.

Axel contradicted, "No, they say wine is good for you. This is beer."

"You walk it right back off," Demyx dismissed, passing the bottle regardless, "So shut up and take it."

Not one to argue (since he knew Demyx would win anyways), Axel settled into his drink.

He thought of Roxas. Passingly, he wondered if the reason Demyx wanted him to stay for a while was because there was always a chance Roxas would show up again. Some part of Axel wanted to see him again. But mostly, he had no idea what he could say to the younger anyways. It was better to let things go.

_Right._ Axel took another drink.

Then the blonde slid in next to him.

Green eyes blinked a few times; Fate had to be playing a joke on him. Tasteless, the joke was, but then Fate had never really been kind.

"Roxas?"

He stiffened, then sighed softly with a nod. "Who else would it be?"

"...Fair point."

Neither added anything, sitting in silence. And Axel wasn't sure if Roxas felt it, but he thought it was uncomfortable. Like dinner with a lover after an argument; you don't want to leave, but it really and truly hurts to have to not act like it bothers you. This was the closest to that situation he'd been in. Watching Roxas, knowing he didn't find himself in the wrong, knowing he really _wasn't_ in the wrong and still feeling like he had cheated the elder out of something...

It hurt like hell.

After a few minutes, Axel stood.

"I warned you."

The quiet statement caught him off guard, but, chuckling softly, bitterly, Axel replied, "Yeah, kid. You warned me."

He walked out of the establishment; he kept walking, not to his apartment, but past it and around the city and back to the center. Eventually, he found himself in front of Roxas's home. Not intentionally, of course. He'd been spiraling from the end of his long trek to return to his own home. The fact that the blonde lived on that path had been news.

Roxas being down the block at the same moment hadn't been on purpose either.

The stared each other down for a moment. It was just the two of them; Roxas hadn't brought anyone home that night--

Axel felt the color rise to his cheeks with the thought. _What business is it of mine whether or not he brings people home?_

Suddenly, Roxas muttered, "You better not have been waiting for me."

"Ha-ha-ha, no," Axel replied with an unsuppressed tone of anger. "I walked for a good two hours. I just got here by coincident."

Rolling his eyes in an incredulous way, Roxas moved towards his door, adding, "Fine."

The redhead let him. Planned on walking home, going to bed.

But that damned Fate--!

"So do you just _enjoy_ being alone all the time," Axel called roughly, "Or is there some other reason you don't stay with someone?"

One hand on the just opened door, Roxas stopped, thought, and turned back to him. "What?"

"You said that you live alone because you don't work at relationships," Axel reiterated as he approached, "I just wanted to know if you're incapable, or just don't care."

The door slammed shut; Roxas marched to meet him, demanding, "Oh, so you think I _want_ to live like this for the rest of my life?"

"Do you?" Axel countered.

Now they stood toe-to-toe, green eyes glaring at the blue. Axel, who moments before had just been hurt, was angry and confused. The confusion met pain and blended into Roxas.

Roxas finally replied in a tight voice, "I've never-- met anyone-- who wanted to be alone."

"Then why won't you try?" Axel wondered darkly.

Stepping away from him in obvious frustration, Roxas growled, "Don't act like I haven't tried! Don't you dare act like you've been around to watch me struggle and know my problems."

"Oh, I just have _no_ idea, right?" The redhead jeered.

Reeling on him, Roxas threw at his feet, "We slept together. It. Was. Sex. You can't base anything off of it."

"Just let me _try_!"

It drew pause from the other, standing there, staring at Axel as though he'd burst into flames.

Axel dragged a hand through his hair, trying to calm down before muttering, "You say you don't want to be alone, you say you've tried. Why not try again?"

"...I don't have time for this." Roxas finally turned and made to go inside.

"Have time for what?" Axel challenged, following quickly.

Roxas fumbled the door knob for a moment as he answered, "I don't have time to argue over this bullshit!"

"Why not!" Axel continued.

"Because I'm running out of time as it is!"

It was a startling cry that tore itself from Roxas's lips, and Axel was about to question it when the blonde started to cough and wheeze, gripping his neck.

Guilt flooded him as he asked worriedly, "What's wrong, what's going on?"

* * *

"You have asthma?"

Somehow they'd manged to reach Roxas's apartment, although he'd refused to allow Axel to help him in anyway. About two steps into the kitchen Roxas had dug into a drawer and emerged victorious with an inhaler. After several deep breaths of the healing vapor, he settled against the counter top without a word; Axel's question was the first thing said.

Roxas nodded; it took him another moment before breathlessly replying, "Then there's this... panic-attack-anxiety thing. When one happens, the other acts up."

"Shit..." Axel ran a hand through his hair thoughtfully.

The blonde nodded, but offered consolingly, "Don't worry about it. Happened before, it'll happen again."

Axel didn't accept the comfort such a comment was meant to bring. But after a moment, he reached out and brushed a hand against a dark blue bruise on Roxas's neck.

"Did I do that?" He asked lightly.

Roxas rolled his eyes and replied dryly, "Yeah. You drew blood, you know."

"Ouch," Axel winced.

With another nod, Roxas moved away from the redhead and threw over his shoulder, "I'm fine now. You-- you should leave."

It hurt him; to be dismissed so easily, with that small memory of intimacy fresh in his mind. The breath stilled in Axel's chest for a moment, then followed Roxas.

"What did you mean, you're out of time?" He asked softly.

Standing in the hallway leading to his room, Roxas paused and turned. He almost looked like he was going to refuse to answer, his eyes dark and empty.

Then he sighed, and murmured, "I guess I owe you that much," before returning to the living room and settling on his couch, where he motioned Axel to join him. He wouldn't look at Axel, kept his eyes focus on a point somewhere near the redhead's left knee. He swallowed a few times, as if his words were stuck behind his tongue.

"I was... eight years, four months, and three days old when it first started," Roxas began, his voice almost tense. "Kids don't have the best memories, I mean, when you're eight you don't pay attention to details so no body worried about... I couldn't remember these really small things at first. People I'd seen one day, phone numbers, directions to get places. Nothing major, you know, nothing to panic over..."

His voice faltered, and Axel had to forcibly stop himself from reaching out to the blonde. He could only wait for Roxas to continue.

Who, of course, didn't want to tell him. He'd gone for years without telling anyone that didn't already know. Hell, he even had most of the people who knew thinking he was fine. He'd recovered, he said, he had learned to cope, he could handle what this... whatever it was threw at him. He couldn't let it all fall to pieces just because some redhead couldn't get over one night.

Roxas had faith that, once Axel knew, he'd go off on his merry way. So he collected himself, cracked his knuckles a bit nervously. _Say something, he's not gonna stop staring unless you say something._

"A little bit before I turned nine I--," He paused again, continued slowly, "Woke up one morning and looked across my bedroom, and saw this boy sleeping in a bed on the other side of the room. I had no idea who he was, so I ran and asked my mom and he was-- My brother. My twin brother, Sora. I had completely forgotten him. I just woke up without any idea that he existed, it was..."

His voice broke. Again. Damn. He didn't have time to lose control.

So he shook his head clear and picked up, "My parents, of course, took me to the hospital, and they couldn't find any kind of medical founding for it. They called it 'Selective Amnesia'. Then started the traditional methods of bringing them back-- hypnosis, therapy, medication... All we did was realize that Sora wasn't the first incident, or the last. He was just the most prominent at the moment. We started looking into things I should've known, and found I was totally clueless, so we don't know when it started for sure."

"We never did find a way to reverse it, or even stop it from happening again," He murmured, adding, "And it did happen again; maybe we just noticed more because we expected it, but I seemed to forget things more and more often. As I got older, sixteen or so, I started trying things more and more desperately. Outlandish methods, electroshock, acupuncture, anything even remotely like treatment for stress. That was when I first started having panic attacks, which brought my asthma back from when I was a kid. Since none of the attempts were working, I just had to-- _learn_ to live with it."

There was an edge to his voice as he said the last, as though he hated the very idea of consigning himself to such a life. It was written in his eyes, too; that giving up was not in his nature.

He cleared his throat; Axel saw his shoulders change, his posture adjust, and he remarked, "Not that I could. I learned to survive with my weakness, and part of that was trying to find something. There has to be something I can do to fix this. And you know, I've been close. It always seemed like I was so damn close to finding a way out, and instead it backfires and I... Anyway."

Finally he looked up, though still not at the other, and said, "That's what I mean by out of time. The doctors, specialists I've talked to, seem to think that one of these days I'm going to lose everything, and I don't want any more people to get hurt than those that will already get hurt. I live on my own, and for the most part, I lead a normal life. It's just a solitary one."

Silence wafted in, neither able to come up with anything to say. Then Axel reached out for Roxas's hand, brushing his fingers gently over the calluses he'd noticed first on the blonde. Roxas might have imagined it, but it seemed like his hands were shaking as they glided over the smaller's.

"So that's what you meant," Axel murmured, after minutes of quiet, "When I asked why your hands were like this, and you couldn't give me a specific answer."

Roxas's eyebrows furrowed as he tried to decide what Axel was trying to say as he answered, "Yeah, I-- I could guess, but not really know."

"And your solution to not knowing yourself," Axel speculated, "Is to prevent anyone from knowing you?"

_That doesn't make sense._ "How can I expect someone to build a home and a life with me when there's always a chance of me waking up and not knowing them?"

Axel chuckled, a bitter, low sound, "So you're doing a noble thing?"

"...Yes."

For a moment, he just watched his hand turn over and over again in Axel's, seeing the heavy lidded eyes tracing lines and crevices on his palms.

Then, with a betraying pained lilt to the frivolity in his voice, Axel decided, "That's such bullshit."

It caught Roxas off guard. On the one hand, yes, he didn't believe it either, not completely; on the other, how dare Axel challenge his reality?

"You really think that just because you don't let them," He continued, and glanced up, some strange hurt in his expression, "People won't fall for you and get hurt because you dismiss them so easily?"

That logic made sense. And Roxas hated it. And he contradicted, "I think it'll be easier for them to get over being dismissed as opposed to being completely forgotten."

"Ha, you're so naive," Shaking his head, Axel remarked, "Haven't you ever wanted to come home to someone? Haven't _you_ ever wanted someone to smile for?"

He pulled his hand away; he couldn't focus, for some reason, while Axel was holding it. And he had to be strong now, above all. "No. I have control. I can manage without it."

"Bullshit. Bull SHIT." Axel was smiling, incredulous, bewildered as he continued, "This whole thing, this not-wanting-anyone mess is just your attempt at controlling the one thing you have no control over."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Roxas demanded hotly.

Axel rolled his head back and forth for a moment and recanted, "That's not how I meant to say that--"

"Yes it is!" Roxas stood abruptly, unsteadily, glaring down at him as he added, "You're so goddamn self-righteous that you know exactly what you meant to say when you said it! So what did you mean!"

It was Axel who was caught off guard now, but he replied readily enough, "You compensate. You can't control this amnesia thing, so you're as controlling as possible in all other aspects of your life. Which is fine, you know, except that it won't work when it comes to love. You can't stop it just because you're not ready for it, you can't put it on hold--"

"Stop talking to me like you have any idea what I've gone through!" Roxas spun away from him, turning in a complete circle and stepping back, "Just shut the hell up! I'm better off like this! I don't want to hear this from you when I heard it from myself long enough! I'm just so tired of trying and having to give up and start all over again!"

Again there was silence ringing through the air; for a moment Roxas thought his point had been made. Then Axel stood, his movement so much more graceful than Roxas's, and he stared down at the blonde with a dark, lost look in his eyes. Then he tipped his head, resting it against Roxas's, and took a deep, quiet breath, releasing it slowly and calmly.

"I don't know what you've been through," He admitted softly, "But I know what it's like to be lost. You can't do this on your own, no matter how much you want to or think you can. If you don't want a relationship, Roxas, if that's how you stay sane, that I can understand. I just want to help. Let me help you. Please."

Resisting the urge to punch the elder, on sheer principle, Roxas replied softly, "What can you do? How could you help me?"

Axel closed his eyes, trying to keep himself in check as he answered, "You're right. I can't stop what's happening to you. But I can... Come live with me."

"What?" Roxas stepped back, looking up at him, completely lost.

Something in the way he moved had distracted Axel, at he repeated a moment late, "Come live with me. I have plenty of room, and that'll take the stress from rent off of your shoulders--"

"You want me to live with you," Roxas asked for confirmation, "So I won't have to stress about paying rent?"

"...Well, when you say it like that it sounds weird," Axel chuckled sheepishly, looking away.

Roxas released a sharp breath, walking away towards his kitchen. "I'm not gonna use you."

"Haven't you already?" Axel challenged, "You said you focus better after sex, so was the only reason you brought me back here in the first place to just blow off steam?"

This made the other pause, consider the idea, and Roxas turned back slightly with a small, bittersweet smirk. "Sure. I used you. But you used me at the same time, and right now, I don't see how me using you this time benefits you at all."

Axel couldn't say anything back to that, and Roxas continued into the next space, deciding that coffee was what he needed at the moment. Shortly after, Axel followed, wanting to try to make his point again but unable to find a good standing place upon which to make it. In the end, all he could do was run a hand through his hair, tired of arguing.

"There has to be something I can do to help you," He offered finally.

Roxas was pouring his poison, his cool demeanor returning as he replied, "I can manage on my own. I have so far."

"Wouldn't you like to do a little more than manage?" Axel asked, adding, "You can't tell me you don't want to not worry as much as you do."

Having poured milk into his cup and mating the liquids together beautifully Roxas sipped at his drink carefully before answering, "I don't. But I also don't want to have to depend on someone else."

"And that's how you keep control," Axel retorted a bit sarcastically, but mostly his voice was bitter and jilted. "I see."

Roxas nodded, "And that's how I keep control."

"Listen--"

Axel stopped, feeling his phone ringing in his pocket. When he saw _Demyx_ on the ID, he answered it with a slightly harsh, "Yeah."

"_You can't just walk out like that and be gone for three hours without letting me know,_" Came the concerned reply, "_I was really worried, man._"

Rolling his eyes Axel scolded tenderly, "I'm a big boy now, Dem, I don't need you looking out for me constantly."

"_Well you've been drinking, you know, and with everything that's happened... I know you can handle yourself, Axel, I do,_" Demyx assured, "_It'd just be nice to know when you _are_ handling things._"

It was a fair point, all things considered, and Axel murmured, "I know, I'm sorry. I'm fine, though, alright?"

"_Alright. Don't stay out too late._"

"Right."

When he looked up from the spot on the floor he'd been talking to, Axel met Roxas's calculating eyes, and the blonde muttered, "Your friend is as worried about you as you are about me."

"Yeah, well, it's kinda our thing to worry," Axel admitted, "But I'd rather have to deal with him worrying than not having anyone care if something happened to me."

Roxas chuckled, "So you're gonna use him as a way to make your point." He looked up into the lighting fixture for a moment, closed his eyes and remarked, "I won't use you."

"Not even if I want you to?"

He stared at the other for a moment, again, for what seemed like the millionth time, trying to understand and read between the redhead's lines and decided exactly what he meant.

But it was impossible, and in the end he gave a one-shoulder shrug and agreed, "Not even if you wanted me to."

"...Fine," Axel sighed and rubbed his eyes, "Fine, I won't... I'm not gonna push this anymore." Still, he walked over to Roxas and, having observed its location earlier, grabbed the younger's phone from his back pocket. He rapidly pressed his number in with skilled fingers and added, "Call me if you ever need anything. Anything, Rox. A hand, a laugh, a fuck. Anything."

It seemed odd that Axel had listed the examples in that order, especially given the last one. Roxas just nodded though, taking his phone silently.

A few moments passed before Axel reached out, tracing Roxas's cheek and jaw lightly, then he murmured, "Let's meet again."

Silence greeted him; he left without further protest, making sure Roxas wasn't going to pass out as soon as he was gone. He walked home, stood in front of his building, and turned away, walking along the street to a location not too far away, when he knew someone would be waiting up for him.

* * *

"Wanna talk?"

He shook his head, kicking off his shoes. Something he always knew, no matter what happened, there was always a place for him in Demyx's home. Ever since they were kids, when things got tough, he could find his way there, let himself in, and crawl into the other's bed without any discomfort. Knowing someone since grade school has that effect on one.

Demyx rolled to his side of the mattress, preferring it greatly to the couch he'd been waiting on since he'd called Axel.

Axel slid in next to him, knowing where the invisible comfort line was, and answered aloud, "I'm an idiot, you know."

"Yeah," The blonde yawned, "But that's why I love ya. Get some sleep. Things'll brighten up in the morning."

Closing his eyes, feeling the pillow rise to welcome him to Dreamland, Axel managed, "You're the best friend I got, Dem."

"I know."

* * *

I ended up writing this sooner than I meant to. I am really happy with all the reviews I've gotten, I'm glad so many of you are interested. I hope this chapter lived up to your expectations, and the 'prologue' should start making sense here soon. And just a quick question: does anyone think Axel and Demyx's relationship is strange? I'm basing it off the bond I have with my best friend, but I'm not sure if it translates as well in writing as I would like it to. Anyway, here's hoping for more reviews!


	3. Remonstration

**Warnings**: No man-sex again. There was enough in the first chapter to hold you off for a while. This is not porn. Or rather, not entirely porn.

* * *

In his defense, Axel went about his business and managed to not think about Roxas constantly. He only thought of the blonde often. Very often. Like when he was in the shower the next morning, trying to not recall the scent of the soap he'd liked instantly, instinctively. Trying not to think about the smoothness of Roxas's back, the tenderness of his lips. About his voice when he cried out_ Axel--!_

The redhead slammed his head against the tile wall. "Fuck."

Well, there went his small victory. He missed Roxas like one misses drugs; a drug which you thought you'd gotten over, which you couldn't stand the site of without getting pissed off, and a drug that could bring you crashing down at the very mention of it. _Fuck._ He had to be careful. Axel didn't have the same reservations as Roxas, but he knew better than to let himself fall in love so easily.

Amnesia. Damn. Damn. What could he say to that? _It's okay, we'll figure something out? Just stay hopeful?_ What would he want to hear if he was Roxas and Roxas was he? _'Oh, gee, that sucks... mmkay, see ya bye.'_ Yeah, that's what Roxas wanted to hear. He wanted to be right, wanted Axel to stop caring and stop trying to prove Roxas was worth something. Trying to prove Roxas was able to be loved.

Wasn't there a law, out there in the universe, that if a person was able to love, they were able to be loved?

The water turned cold; he'd been in the shower for two hours, Axel realized. He climbed out, grateful as always for his best friend who kept him from lonely misery; and of course, Demyx's waffles.

A plate of which was waiting for him when he returned to the open areas of Demyx's flat; it was one of those two-person houses, and even then you'd be pushing the bubble for someone who wanted their own space. But it worked for Demyx, and when he needed it, Axel was more than happy to be there. Especially at breakfast.

"You could bring around world peace with these waffles, Dem," He assured the blonde as he drowned them in syrup.

Rolling his eyes, Demyx muttered, "Not if you always eat 'em all, like you know you do."

"They're good!" Axel shoveled in his first bite and managed a moment later, "Secret to happiness on a plate."

The other stared him down for a moment, then asked, "So why are you still miserable?"

"...I wouldn't say I'm _miserable_," Axel offered, avoiding the other's gaze.

Demyx wouldn't have it, leaning over the counter and supplying, "But you are miserable, aren't you?"

Axel sighed, softly, before murmuring sarcastically, "Well, I'm not exactly ecstatic, that's for damn sure."

"So are you gonna tell me what happened," Demyx asked when Axel made to continuing eating without elaborating, "Or am I supposed to give advice without knowing the problem?"

He wanted advice. He needed advice, but was it his place to talk about Roxas's... situation? _I can't-- How could I not tell him?_

"Last night, he-- showed up at the bar."

"...Yeah." A soft, tolerant breath. "I know."

It took him a lot longer than Axel had expected, to explain everything. It might have been the fact that he had to stop a few times, trying to recall everything that Roxas told him; which isn't to say he couldn't, he remembered everything the blonde had told him, word for word, breath for breath. Somehow or another, though, they had all mangled themselves together in Axel's mind.

Never mind the fact that some of it was just plan hard to say out loud.

Demyx listened, quiet, understanding. When Axel struggled with something he was trying to relay, Demyx would only nod, eyes carefully not seeing Axel's shaking hands and reddening face. When he finished the blonde didn't do what his first instinct suggested (which was to chide the elder for not eating the waffles). He did reach for the head resting on his counter, fussing with the red locks absentmindedly like they hated when they were kids and now found extremely comforting.

He thought for a moment before remarking, "You sure know how to pick 'em, Axel."

"Mrphror," Axel replied from the counter top dryly.

With a gentle smile, Demyx added, "Don't hurt yourself over it. This kid, he's just... Well, he's all over the place right now. You're as new to him as he is to you, and he's more guarded than you've had to be in a long time. He'll come around, one way or another. Let him mellow out a bit. Give him some time, a few days."

Axel didn't say anything, stayed face down on the cool stone tablet, Demyx's hands toying with his skull.

Then he murmured quietly, "I don't know why I'm so caught up in him. It was like-- Fuck, Dem, he's just so damn _right_. I can't even...."

"Well, you know, this tends to happen when to skip the beginning of a relationship and get straight to the sex," Demyx explained lightly, "You still get all the feelings you would have had if you spent the time becoming familiar with each other, it just all jumps on you at once."

Finally Axel sat up and gave Demyx a shrewd look. "How the hell do you know so much about this?"

"You forget who got up into all those clubs when we were younger men," The blonde gave him a small, almost regretful grin. "I did a lot of stupid things back then, I've learned a lot."

_That's right._ Granted, they all were idiots in those days, but Demyx had always been a bit more easy-going than Axel, and as a result got himself into some strange situations.

Demyx cleared his throat, and reached out and popped Axel on the side of his head, adding, "Now quit being so lame and go to work."

"...Lame? Who says _lame_ anymore?"

* * *

For the most part, the day passed smoothly, softly. The redhead worked, and did so fairly diligently. Axel felt a little detached from everything, and once or twice had to be re-instructed as to what he'd been doing the moment before. Okay, maybe more than once or twice. It may have been closer to five or six times. Every hour. For eight hours.

Let's just say he was glad when he wasn't expected to focus anymore and was allowed to go home. He was nearly there when his phone went off.

"Make it quick, I'm driving."

Demyx replied wryly, "_I think your blonde is lost._"

Axel tapped the breaks, sliding over to the side of the road as he asked, "What do you mean?"

"_He's driven by the bar no less than four times in twenty minutes. I think he's trying to get home._"

Rolling his eyes, Axel retorted almost bitterly, "What am I supposed to do about it?"

"_Oh, gee, well, maybe you should come help him, seeing as I just gave you the perfect excuse and opportunity to see your latest obsession._"

He considered it for a moment, then decided lightly, "Nah, one thing I learned in high school, don't chase 'em. Let them find you."

"_Oh, boo, you lame-lame-lamer._" Demyx wasn't afraid to call Axel on his cowardice, of which they both knew his tactic reeked.

With a patient and good-natured sigh, Axel muttered, "You need better insults, Dem."

"_I have plenty of better insults, I'm saving them for a more-deserving cause,_" The other added softly, "_Remember, kiddo, letting him find you won't work if he's lost._"

Here, the blonde began to lose Axel. First, that morning, he said to give Roxas space and let Roxas settle himself. Now, he says to go after him. Damned fool.

When his phone began to ring again, he realized Demyx had hung up, and quickly answered the new call.

"Hello?"

"_I can't find the way back to my apartment._"

This was rich. Absolutely hilarious. "...Roxas?"

"_Yeah, it's..._" He seemed reluctant to finish, and cleared his throat before adding, "_Me. I can't get back to my apartment. I'm stuck, I can't figure out the rest of the way._"

Axel took a deep, silent breath and replied, "Where are you?"

"_Um... Outside some cafe on Dawn Way, downtown._"

He tried to draw the map out in his head, finding the cafe and answering, "I can't give you directions. I'll be there in a minute."

"_You don't have to,_" Roxas offered without missing a beat, as if this whole conversation was his last choice that he hadn't wanted to make.

He rolled back out into traffic and agreed, "I don't have to. But I want to. And I will." When Roxas didn't reply, Axel added, "Don't go anywhere."

"_Whatever._" The line dropped, and for some reason, Axel grinned. Was he finally getting through to him?_ Maybe._ But for now, he'd stick to what he said.

* * *

It took some convincing, but in the end, Axel was driving Roxas's car to the blonde's apartment, and then he'd walk back to his car (after assuring Roxas it wasn't too far a walk).

Roxas stared through the window for the first few minutes, then said quietly, "I shouldn't have called you."

"That's kinda harsh, don't you think?" Remarked Axel, glancing over for a brief moment.

Shaking his head, Roxas admitted, "It might be, but still. I shouldn't have called you. After telling you I wasn't going to use you and that I could handle things--"

"It's because you don't know me very well," The other explained lightly, "Because you're still trying to convince the people that worry about you that you're fine, right? And since I already know you're not, and because you really don't care what I think, it doesn't bother you as much to ask me for help."

The logic made sense, as it usually did. Roxas disliked the fact that Axel made sense so easily, and muttered to the window, "It's still an inconvenience."

"Not-- _really_, I told you to call me if you needed anything," Axel reminded.

Roxas rolled his eyes and retorted, "What if you were doing something important? What if there was something you needed to be home for--?"

With a sharp thought, Axel turned away from Roxas's street, going off in the opposite direction. Though he didn't know where his apartment was, Roxas could tell they were going away from where they had been headed, and wasn't too comfortable with it.

"Now where are we going?" He asked, though not unkindly.

Again, Axel glanced over at him and answered, "We're going to make a point."

"Great."

* * *

He marched Roxas up the stairs to his apartment before long, unlocking and opening his door and swinging it open. "Go on. Inside."

"I don't know what you're trying to prove," Roxas muttered, walking in nonchalantly.

Axel, as he close the door behind them, reasoned, "I saw your place, it's time you see mine."

The blonde didn't move. Axel reached out and ruffled his hair, offering, "Go! Look, see!"

"You psycho," Roxas swatted at the large hand, walking further in to satiate Axel.

The walls were bare, for the most part. There were pictures, people Roxas imagined were the inhabitant's friends; one looked too much like him, had to be his... twin brother? _That's too coincidental,_ he decided this person was just a brother, and they bore a strong resemblance. A calendar, with nothing added to it to make it undeniably Axel's. He looked around the rest of the room, taking in the idea that the space was really too... spaced. The furniture; an old couch that had held, no doubt, many people over its lifetime, now empty and lonely looking; a computer desk, newer, with a chair that looked only mildly comfortable; a low table, clearly abused from dishes, shoes, spontaneously thrown objects.

On the table was a sketch book, and for a moment, Roxas reached for it. Axel's heart thumped nervously against his ribs, just once, before deciding he didn't need to hide it.

And besides, Roxas had changed his mind, and moved towards the kitchen. There was a total of five dishes in the sink; a bowl, cup, two spoons, and a strainer. He wasn't sure what could be made only using these utensils, but he didn't ponder it too much. Dispassionately, he started opening cabinets; there were plenty of dishes on the shelves, and from the dust on them, it was obvious Axel hadn't used them since he'd moved in. Closing the doors, he moved to the next set which held spices and the like. It was a modest store, but the items were used, that much was obvious.

He continued further into the apartment, towards the next logical place; Axel's bedroom. He stood at the door, which was ajar, for a moment before continuing in. It was dark and cool, and the air felt muffled, as if to soften the sounds of the world when Axel was sleeping. The bed itself was obviously large enough for more than one person, though it was too obvious that Axel was the only one sleeping in it. One pillow had that abused, misshapen look to it that only comes from a restless sleeper, and the blankets on that side were less pristine than on the other.

Roxas meandered to the unused side. It was strange, to think that one would sleep to the side of a bed that is otherwise empty, instead of the center. His hand reached out and brushed against the sheets, the blankets, the pillow case. The fabric of each was cool to the touch, which made sense, Roxas amended to himself; still, it felt wrong.

Aware that Axel was watching him, he asked, "I don't see your point, Axel."

"There's not really anything important in my life, Roxas." Axel walked to stand beside him, adding, "I wake up, I work, I come here, I see Demyx. That's all my life consists of at this point. I'm not saying I'm unhappy with it, but I'm not happy. Everything in this place feels empty and loaned, you know?"

Swallowing uneasily, Roxas continued, "And what am I supposed to do about it?"

"...If you won't use me, kid, let me use you," The other finally murmured, "That doesn't make much sense, but I just-- I want to be around you. I want to come home to you. I want you to come home to me."

Roxas shook his head, thoroughly confused at what exactly the elder wanted. "It doesn't make any sense."

"This apartment will always be half-empty if I'm the only one in it," Axel offered in clarification. "I want you to be the reason it isn't."

"I don't know, Axel, I--" With a sigh, Roxas rubbed his shoulder, inadvertently pressing against the still blue-black bruise. Finally, he answered, "I'll think about it."

The other's mind reeled, but, with a smile, he managed subduedly, "Thank you."

A light shade of red crept over Roxas's face as he added, "You still don't know anything about me, you realize."

"Do you have time to talk now?" Axel asked, excitement getting the better of him. "What were you on your way home for? Can we stay here and talk?"

Roxas almost (almost) laughed and replied, "No, I mean-- Dammit, just calm down! I was going home because I was done working for the day, and no, we can't stay and talk, your car is still sitting on some street downtown and you can get a ticket for that in this town, you know."

"Oh, right." Axel pivoted on his toes and threw over his shoulder, "I'll be right back then!"

After a moment of confusion, Roxas stepped quickly after him and called, "Wait a minute, you're just leaving me here?"

"I thought you were used to being alone?" Axel asked wryly, searching for his keys (that he lost in less than five minutes).

Once again unable to deny that logic, Roxas answered, "Yeah but... This is your apartment."

"Well, I'm trying to change that, now aren't I?" The redhead retorted. He glanced back at Roxas, and saw his was truly uncomfortable with the idea, so he offered, "Relax, I won't be gone long."

Having found his keys, he went towards his door, looking back again to see the blonde staring after him. Then blue eyes rolled, and Roxas turned back to head into the living room, waving a dismissive hand over his shoulder. _He's gonna stay,_ Axel thought with a grin, walking as quickly as he could to the streets outside.

* * *

When he finally made it back, he walked into the apartment with slight apprehension; it finally dawned on him that he left someone in his apartment all on their own. In retrospect, maybe not the brightest idea he'd had that day. It wasn't that he didn't trust Roxas. He just wasn't sure how much Roxas trusted him.

Thought apparently he needn't worry so much. Once he'd opened the door, he could smell the coffee wafting on the air, which was oddly comforting. He saw Roxas sitting on the couch, curled up against one arm, a mug of coffee in one hand and in the other-- _my sketchbook._

"I thought you weren't interested in that," Axel muttered sheepishly, sitting on the edge of his coffee table.

Roxas smirked, "You should take care of things if you don't want people looking at them."

Axel shrugged easily. There wasn't anything worrisome in the book anyway. It was one that he used for random ideas for work and things like that, totally profess--

"So explain these birds to me," Roxas asked, leaning forward to show what he meant.

--Oh. It wasn't his work book. _Fuck_. But he just grinned and answered, "I could be a real geek and tell you all about the structure of birds' wings and stuff like that, but I'd rather not."

There on the page were drawings, more than rough sketches but less than works of art, of different birds. In faint, dotted lines one could see where the bones and support needed for flight and other birdly functions lie, and the angles of those and the feathers and everything else were noted in clear script.

"What do you do for a living that leaves this for fun in your spare time?" Roxas wondered lightly.

Axel cleared his throat to reply, "I design rigs for electric towers and stuff like that. I'm just used to checking for angles and precision and stuff."

Roxas went back the the drawings, flipping ahead a few pages and asking, "Well, what about all the skeletons?"

"I need to keep this put up," Axel muttered in a low voice before saying, "I like structure when I... doodle. Skeletons are easy for me because they have ratios and proportions and generally all look the same within the species I'm drawing at that time."

"Right, because a giraffe's bone structure is significantly different from a whale," Roxas agreed teasingly.

Axel liked seeing him like this; relaxed, open. Not as ready or as eager to hide inside himself.

Then he asked, "But don't you think it's a bit morbid, to draw skeletons all the time?"

"No," Axel replied softly, adding, "I mean, you'd think so, since the only time you see skeletons is when something's been dead for a while, but-- _I_ have a skeleton, and I'm alive. You're alive, and you have a skeleton. Without it, we'd all be soft and squishy and jellyfish-like. I'm pretty friendly with my bones, thank you very much."

Roxas pressed his lips together for a moment, then smiled, a small, innocent thing as he murmured, "Just so you know, I can make an obscene joke from that."

"...Well then." Axel laughed and retorted, "I guess I walked right into that."

Suddenly the blonde's eyes clouded over a bit, and he set the book aside and said, "I was looking for your spoons and I-- found something."

Axel tilted his head to one side, confused. He didn't have anything questionable in his house, did he?

Roxas stood, walking back out to the kitchen slowly, purposefully, and opened a drawer. He pulled out a small, orange container with a small white cap--

"Can I ask about these?" Roxas didn't look at Axel, maybe to keep from giving him a less-than deserved expression, adding, "Or are they supposed to be hidden?"

Letting out a deep breath, Axel replied, "I'd forgotten about them, honestly."

He picked them up, turning them over in his hand, reading the label and the instructions and warnings.

"They're antidepressants."

With a small, slightly bitter laugh, "Yeah, I know, kid. I've been taking them since I was fifteen, I know what they are."

"You take them," Roxas said, as if asking, but in a tone that left no room for arguing, "And yet you drink alcohol?"

_Caught_. Axel rubbed his eyes for a moment and answered, "Yeah, I do. But I'm careful. I don't drink a lot, I stagger the alcohol with water, and I don't drink alone."

Roxas didn't seem convinced, but nodded slowly in contemplation. Finally he said, "I can't really say much all things considered. Just... Why do you take them."

"Why would I take antidepressants, let me think about that," Axel responded in that not-quite teasing way, adding more seriously, "I have a family history of manic-depressive disorder-- or bipolar, whatever they're calling it these days-- and I started showing signs that I have the same disorder when I was fifteen. My mom, I love her you know, but she had a hard time of things when she was growing up, because everyone said she would 'grow out of it' and never did. So she got me on medication right away. So I take them."

Again Roxas was nodding, and murmured, "I see..."

For a moment they were silent, then Axel said, "I should've told you about that sooner."

"Don't worry about it," Roxas chided, going back to the living room for his mug, "I probably wouldn't have listened because I would've thought you were doing it to make me stay with you."

With relief, Axel asked, "You don't think that, right?"

"Nope." Roxas refilled his cup, resting against the counter top as he added, "Well, if there's anything you want to ask, now would be the time to ask."

* * *

So. Anyone got any questions for Roxas?

I want to apologize for taking so long this time; I was worried I'd get you guys hooked and then take so damned long that you would lose interest. Anyway, it took twice as long to update, and it's a page- and a half shorter than the other chapters, but you know, it's a lot of information, I think. Thank you all for your reviews, they really encourage me to keep writing this. And also thank you for those of you who apparently don't care enough to review but still add the story to your alerts. Beggars can't be choosers, like Squall said.


	4. Veracity

**Warnings**: Things I do not own: Pinky and The Brain, Red Dawn, Patrick Swayze, or anything involved in those franchises.  
If you have not seen Red Dawn, or do not know who Patrick Swayze is, Axel has something to say to you.

* * *

"I don't believe it," Axel laughed softly, adding, "I just don't-- I don't see it."

Roxas glanced away, trying not to get flustered as he reiterated, "You asked what I wanted to be when I was a kid. You should be thankful I'm being honest."

"But... Really?"

With a hint of annoyance (embarrassment, maybe), Roxas answered, "Yes. I wanted to be a chimney sweep when I grew up."

Axel laughed again, and asked, "Why?"

Roxas flicked his eyes back towards him, then away, replying, "Next question."

"No," Leaning towards the blonde, Axel repeated in a low, suppliant voice, "Why did you want to clean chimneys?"

Insistently Roxas said, "Ask a different question."

After he'd considered this for a moment, Axel instead decided to trap Roxas in his corner of the couch, setting one hand on its back and the other on the arm, his face inches from Roxas's, staring straight at him the way he'd done to get better answers in the past.

"Or," He murmured, with a teasing smirk, "You could just tell me."

Roxas stared at him for what seemed like forever, feeling his face heat up. Which didn't make sense, he admonished to himself, it wasn't like they hadn't been closer than this less than an hour after meeting. But this was different. He had no control over this. Roxas did not like this, one bit. So he grabbed a handful of Axel's shirt, pulled him down a bit, and whispered quickly and near silently into his ear the cause of his childhood professional aspiration.

Having learned this, Axel was released; well, more accurately, Roxas shoved him back to his side of the couch and looked away.

"...That's an interesting reason," Axel noted bemusedly.

Roxas agreed, "Yes, and now we will never speak of it again. Next question."

"Alright, next question." Axel took some time to think of another, and finally decided, "Do you ever see your brother? Your family?"

Blue eyes crinkled at the sudden seriousness, but answered, "Sometimes. Sora's in a program at his university that has him traveling around a lot; right now he's in Hollow Bastion, he's supposed to be back in a few weeks. We always get together when someone goes off into the world-- our family and friends, I mean. We've all stayed close through the years."

Something was encouraging about this to Axel, then he requested, "Tell me about your friends?"

"My friends. Ha," Roxas smiled, a tired, reminiscent gesture, continuing, "I've known most of them since we were five. There's Hayner, Olette, Pence-- met them when we all started school. Riku, well, he was more Sora's friend, but we were all together so often it didn't matter." He added, more as an after thought, "When we started middle school Kairi and Naminé moved to our school and our group adopted them. It made sense, I mean, Kairi clicked so instantly with Sora and Riku, and Naminé might as well be my real twin."

Suddenly he stopped, turned to Axel and asked, "Is he your twin brother?"

"Is... who my twin brother?" The redhead asked in return, then caught on and said, "Oh, the pictures. No, Reno's almost two years younger than me. No one ever believes me, though."

Roxas nodded, musing, "Well, you look a lot alike."

"That's not even it, you know," Axel chuckled, explaining to Roxas's confused look, "They don't believe I'm older. Reno's taller than me by three inches. But I'm the elder, so I tell him I still get to be the better brother from Red Dawn no matter how tall he gets."

"What's Red Dawn?"

Axel paused, his eyes disbelieving as he turned completely to stare at Roxas. "You've never seen Red Dawn?"

"...No?"

This was unacceptable; Axel stood and went to a box sitting beside his TV, rummaging through it as he said over his shoulder, "You, Roxas, have no childhood."

"Because I haven't seen some movie?" Roxas asked for clarification.

Axel turned, completely offended. "Not just some movie! The greatest movie of our generation!"

Roxas rolled his eyes, muttering dryly, "Oh, next you're gonna tell me if I don't know the main actor I have no childhood."

"...Do you know Patrick Swayze?" Axel asked, his voice apprehensive.

Roxas stared at him blankly, and this sent Axel off on another tirade about Roxas's lack of a good upbringing, but no fear, this was easily fixed.

Once Axel had resettled onto the couch, Roxas asked, "Is this the end of questioning, then?"

"That's right, I was supposed to be learning," Without preamble, he pulled Roxas into his lap and hit 'play' on the remote.

As the previews started, Roxas demanded in a surprisingly relaxed tone, "Just what are you doing?"

"Learning by osmosis," Axel murmured against the blonde's cheek, adding quietly, "Besides, it's easier to explain things when I can talk to you like this."

Much to Axel's surprise (and contentment), Roxas didn't argue; he actually relaxed against him. And it was a good feeling, holding someone; feeling Roxas's weight, his warmth, the slow rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. Axel stopped watching the movie. Having memorized it by the time he was six, attention was something he could spare. Besides, had he been any less attentive to Roxas he wouldn't have noticed the way his breathing slowed, his eyes fell and remained unseeing in sleep.

_There'll be other days to see Red Dawn,_ Axel decided, brushing his lips over the shell of Roxas's ear.

* * *

Almost two hours later, Roxas stirred in his rest. Granted, it may have been because Axel had been harassing the bruise on his neck, but that was debatable.

He glared blearily up at Axel and asked, "What time is it?"

"Around... Eight, I'd say," The other replied lightly.

Roxas took a deep breath and tried to stand, muttering, "I need to get home."

"Oh, c'mon now, that's not true," Axel remarked, wrapping his arms around Roxas's waist and holding him down.

After a moment of confusion, Roxas again glared at him, with amusing patience as he said, "Yeah, I actually do. I'm up at five in the morning, and I still have to--"

Somewhere between the two of them, something vibrated, sending a very strange jolt to both their systems. Fumbling for his back pocket, Roxas retrieved his phone and asked, "Hello?"

Having bee left to his own devices, Axel was trying not to let his mind wander towards ideas of what one could do with things that vibrate. Like phones.

"Let me up," Roxas muttered, trying to stand again; this time, Axel let him. It probably wouldn't be a good idea to have a squirmy blonde in his lap.

Roxas was in the middle of conferring with his phone, asking, "What do you mean... It's late, can't it wait until... Damn, fine, I'll get over there as soon as I can." Back into his pocket went his phone, and he said to Axel, "I gotta go back to my job site, some idiot left everything unlocked and--"

"What do you mean, your job site?" Axel asked, bewildered as the blonde turned around trying to find his shoes (when had he taken them off, Roxas wondered aloud).

"I work construction," Roxas replied aptly, explaining as he recovered and put on his left shoe, "Building houses and stuff like that. A bunch of kids got into one of the houses we're working on in a subdivision, I need to go make sure nothing's damaged or lost, otherwise my ass is on the line in the morning."

Axel followed him towards the door, where magically the right shoe was, and wondered, "Are you in charge of the site?"

"No, but our foreman's been looking for a reason to get rid of me," Roxas answered, "So this would be his best opportunity."

Confused, the redhead asked further, "Why would he--?"

"Because I've lost things about my job before," Roxas replied, adding, "And for some reason, it hasn't been enough to get me fired, and Saix thinks our boss is playing favorites."

Axel's eyebrows dipped down, asking, "You've.... lost things? What does that--?"

Roxas stood, staring at him in disbelief; then he murmured, "Lost. As in, I can't find them to remember."

"...Right." Axel rubbed the back of his neck, sheepishly. He'd forgotten. _Idiot_.

But Roxas just turned and opened the door and said, "Don't worry about it."

"Whoa, wait a minute!" Axel reached out and grabbed the free hand, pulling back for a moment.

He didn't like this. One minute he had Roxas, he had him, and the next Roxas was running out the door, without so much as a by-your-leave and with no idea if and when Axel would see him next. Of course, Roxas probably didn't understand this feeling. _Hell, _I _don't even understand it._ But he couldn't let him just go, not without something to hold on to.

After staring up at him, caught off guard, then stepped closer to Axel, answering with slight amusement, "You realize I _have_ to come back tonight, one way or another, right?" Then, to the confused look he was given in return, he added, "You never showed me how to get back to my apartment."

"...Right," Chided so, Axel felt even more foolish and released the soft, callused hand he'd begun to memorize.

Still Roxas stood, for a moment longer, then repeated, almost tenderly (though Axel may have imagined it), "I'll come back."

Watching (or rather, allowing) Roxas to leave was one of Axel's decidedly least favorite things that day. As soon as the door latched, and Axel was sure he wasn't going to run to catch up with the blonde and tell him how much he really didn't need to go, he called Demyx.

"_Yeah?_"

"Tell me I'm an idiot," Axel requested, sitting on the floor with his head on the coffee table.

Demyx was silent before replying easily enough. "_You're an idiot. Why am I calling you an idiot._"

Axel chuckled; it was more as if Demyx was asking himself instead of Axel, but he replied, "No reason, just needed a reminder."

"_Well, at least you know you can come to me for that,_" Demyx decided, adding, "_Just remember, if you weren't an idiot, we would've killed you by now._"

Rolling his eyes, Axel agreed, "Yeah, yeah, I know. I'll talk to you later."

"_Sure you will. Now that you've got what you want, you don't need me. I see how it is. Bye._"

Laughing, he set his phone on the floor next to him, keeping his head against the table top. He knew he was pathetic. Pathetic. But he had to hope that, once things evened out a little more (_if_, he amended in his mind), he might be able to handle the coming-and-going of Roxas a bit better.

He hoped.

_In the meantime, food,_ he decided.

* * *

Roxas sat in the driver's seat, his head on the steering wheel. _Damn. DAMN._

There went all his logic. All his decisions. All of his common sense and resistance and just-- Damn.

'_I'll think about it._' Why had he said he would think about it? He should've said no; should've stuck to 'no', he reminded himself, since he'd said he wouldn't in the first place. Something told him one more no might actually have gotten through to Axel and Roxas would be home now, and all would be fine. He slid his fingers into his hair, pulling at the roots for a moment. Then he turned the key in the ignition and made his way into traffic.

He was going to shoot Luxord for leaving the door unlocked. It was a subdivision, there were families in maybe three of the houses; what teenager wouldn't run around trying to cause mischief? Knowing Saix, he probably went back to the site after everyone had left, unlocked the door, and put up a big neon sigh saying Start Fire Here! or something to that effect. He hated his foreman.

_I can't believe he forgot._ How could Axel not remember his amnesia, the cause of the whole situation? It was pure irony. But he was glad, in a way; the idea that Axel hadn't thought about it so much that he'd forgotten was a comforting one. That was Roxas's biggest annoyance, that once someone knew about his losing things, all they would have together would be that.

Axel was different. Something about him was naive, the way he felt was all tenderness and trust, love and hope. Which was funny, because even in this state of complete innocence, the man knew how to fuck and seemed just fine with the fact, either from experience or instinct. A dangerous combination in the world. With those traits, Axel was bound to get hurt. Hell, Roxas was probably going to hurt him. That was reason enough to just circle the city and find his building and not go back.

He tapped his breaks as the light in front of him turned red. Quickly he rubbed his eyes. _I fell asleep on his lap. Wow._ He couldn't have been that tired. Roxas got a healthy five hours of sleep every night, and that was plenty enough. It must have been stress, he deduced, from losing his apartment. Perfectly good reason for falling asleep in a perfectly good lap.

Rolling his eyes, he resisted the urge to speed through the now green light. _I'm an idiot._ A perfectly good lap? Really? What kind of sense did that make? He had to forcible stop himself from thinking about Axel's lap, and anything else that had to do with the redhead's body. Especially after his lovely little mental comment about Axel's sexual performance.

"Getting in over my head," He muttered to himself.

* * *

He found it on the way back to Axel's.

Pulled over, got out of his car, and stood staring at his building. There was the door. The key was in his hand. He should just go up. Sure, Axel would get hurt. But he'd lick his wounds and move on, one way or another. He should just go up. It'd save him pain in the long run. It'd worked before, more times than he would care to remember.

He should just go up.

* * *

"I'm back."

Axel, standing over his kitchen stove, was startled at the sudden voice from the front door. Nevertheless, he breathed a sigh of relief.

Roxas stepped into the room to hear Axel say, "Glad you found your way here."

"You thought I'd get lost?" Roxas asked skeptically, leaning against the counter easily.

With a small shrug, Axel replied, "Well, you've never driven here, I wasn't sure if you'd remember the way."

"I see." Axel glanced at him for a moment and saw a far-away look in his eyes.

He didn't like this look.

Axel reached out and brushed his hand against the bruise again, smirking at the way Roxas almost (but not quite) flinched away.

"That bruise just turned into my new favorite toy," He informed Roxas. Before the blonde could get offended, he asked, "Have you eaten yet?"

Roxas tried to decide whether or not he wanted to be mad at Axel. He ended up answering, "No."

"Good. Take this." Axel handed him a bowl of soup. Plain, white, very simple looking soup.

Tipping the bowl this-way and that, Roxas asked, "What is it, exactly?"

"Potato soup," The other replied, taking another bowl and filling it for himself. "It's mostly milk. Eat it, and you might actually grow some."

Okay, now he was offended. "I don't need to be any taller, thank you very much."

Axel chuckled and walked towards the living room. "That's true. I like you this tall anyway."

"Hm. Then I might have to grow a few inches," Roxas muttered, following slowly.

For a moment, Axel considered telling Roxas how a few inches would suit him just fine. But he would rather not have him any more annoyed, so he offered instead, "Be careful, it's hot."

Rolling his eyes Roxas remarked, "Thanks, I'll be sure not to inhale it too quickly."

"That would be wise," Axel agreed lightly.

Still unsure about the soup in general, Roxas asked as he stirred it around, "So what's in this, besides milk?"

"Potatoes." Axel answered sarcastically, then to the shrewd look he received, he added, "Onions, some garlic, salt, pepper. Bits of bacon. Stuff like that."

It sounded safe. Roxas picked his spoon out of the bowl to taste just a little.

"OW!"

Axel almost chuckled and said, "I told you it was hot."

"I didn't think the spoon was gonna burn me!" Roxas retorted, setting it back in the bowl and the bowl on the table. "Fuck, it hurts!"

Setting his down as well, Axel turned to face him and muttered, "Well, it shouldn't tickle. Let me see."

Roxas glared at him consistently as Axel inspected his lower lip, which was swollen, just slightly, on one side.

"It blistered a bit." He stood, adding, "Stay there, I'll get some ice."

Bemused, Roxas replied, "I don't need ice."

"Well, I don't know what your mom does for you," Axel teased, pausing, "But when I got burned, and it happened a lot, she gave me ice."

He turned without giving Roxas a chance to argue further; which he did anyway, adding, "But it's fine! I'm not gonna die!"

"Really?" Axel walked back in with an ice tray, and demanded, "So take a bite without hurting yourself."

In all his confidence, Roxas didn't think he could do it. He reiterated, "You don't trust my ability to eat without getting hurt?"

"After that little adventure," Axel replied, returning to the couch, "I have serious doubts. Take the ice or I'll get drastic."

Roxas almost didn't want to ask, but he did; "What does drastic look like?"

For a moment, Axel looked as if he wasn't going to answer and just keep pushing the ice. Then he leaned over, slowly, getting very, very close the the younger's face. There, less than an inch away, Axel hovered for a moment. Then he flicked his tongue against the scalded flesh, lightly; when Roxas didn't react (outwardly at least), Axel moved closer, pulling Roxas's lip into his mouth and sucking, oh so gently, resisting the urge to kiss him senseless. It was a strong urge; when he pulled away instead, he felt proud of himself for not giving in.

Granted, he was also kicking himself and telling himself how lame he was. _Lame, lame, LAME._

"That's what drastic looks like," He answered lightly, settling back against the couch and reclaiming his bowl. After realizing Roxas hadn't moved, he added smugly, "You're soup's getting cold."

Roxas took a deep breath, held it for a moment, then replied, "I think cold soup would be a good thing."

With a chuckle, Axel murmured, "I'll commit that to memory."

Axel watched him pick up his bowl from the corner of his eye, then carefully, painlessly, Roxas took a bite of soup.

"It's good."

"Yeah. I know."

* * *

Axel woke up the next morning alone. For a moment he was very confused.

Then he remembered that yes, Roxas had gone home, somewhere in the dark of the night. But that was alright, he decided.

"You awake yet, you bum?"

He shot out of bed, rolled onto the floor, and demanded, "What the hell are you doing in my apartment, Demyx?!"

"Stealing your cable and eating your food," The other replied lightly, leaning against the frame of Axel's bedroom door. "Now get up, you're gonna be late for work."

Axel stared at him briefly, considering how best to kill him, before asking, "Saturday, right?"

"Yup."

He collapsed on the floor in exhaustion. "Demyx, I don't work on the weekends. Remember? I got one of those high-paying desk jobs so I wouldn't have to."

Demyx nodded, and said, "All I heard from that was _blah blah blah I'm a yuppy now let me sleep._ You're lame. Get up."

"I hate you." Axel pulled himself up from the floor, walking towards his bathroom. "Just so you know, I hate you."

Rolling his eyes, Demyx returned, "Yeah yeah, suck it up."

* * *

Showers are the Universe's little way of saying 'Good Morning'. Axel was quite glad of the greeting.

And for the first time in what seemed like weeks (which may have been true), Axel wasn't trapped in deep, longing thoughts for his mysterious once-bedmate.

Well, yes, he was. But they weren't depressed thoughts of longing. He just wanted to wake up next to Roxas-- just once, he assured himself. He didn't have a chance that first night, being that Roxas is a nocturnal creature. Though he assured himself that, given another chance, Axel was going to tie that kid up if he had to.

Quickly he shook thoughts of a tied-up Roxas from his mind. And switch the water to cold. _Good times._

* * *

"How did you get in my apartment anyway?"

Demyx continued washing Axel's dishes as he answered, "Spare key in the front office. I just told them I was picking up the key for you, since I know you hadn't gotten it yet."

"That's a lax security system," He mused, adding, "And why are you doing my dishes?"

With a shrug, Demyx replied, "There's all of ten dishes in your sink, you'll never do them."

"Strange answer." But he went to his fridge and muttered, "I'm not gonna complain though."

"You have two bowls with potato soup residue in them."

Axel glanced over into the sink, nodded, and agreed, "Well done, Demyx. There are indeed two bowls with--"

"Well, why?" Demyx demanded.

The redhead fidgeted quietly, answering after a moment, "I kidnapped Roxas yesterday."

"...You hid the body, right?" Demyx asked seriously.

It was Axel's turn to roll his eyes as he replied, "No, it's in my shower bleeding out."

Demyx nodded, contemplative, as he added, "That would explain the long shower..."

"The long shower was because you woke me up for no reason," Axel said, shoving the blonde's shoulder.

Laughing, Demyx relented, "So how'd it go?"

Axel considered it. Roxas had called him. He asked for help. He said he would think about moving in with Axel. He stayed. He fell asleep in Axel's arms. He came back.

"Well?"

He gave the other a smug grin and replied, "Just tell me I'm an idiot and get it over with."

"You're an idiot," Demyx agreed as he turned away from the sink, "And what's worse, you're a lovesick idiot."

It was pointless to deny the fact, but Axel attempted, "I'm not lovesick."

"Oh yes, you are very, very sick indeed," Demyx contradicted.

Finally Axel wondered aloud, "Can you make up your mind? One minute you're all _give him time and he'll come 'round,_ and the next you tell me how lame I am for want--"

"Yeah, I know." Sheepishly Demyx chuckled and admitted, "I guess I'm just worried about you. You're my best friend. I want you to be happy. But it seems like you'll end up getting the short end of the stick, regardless of what you decide to do. I just-- this sounds bad, but I get the feeling you're gonna get hurt by this kid. One way or another."

_That's encouraging,_ Axel thought softly. Instead of voicing the opinion, he said, "You might be right. But I'm a big boy now, you know? I can handle it."

"Don't have to tell me that," Remarked Demyx wryly, adding more docilely, "So what are we gonna do today?"

Axel gave him a scrutinizing look; he wanted to pursue the topic, but he let it drop. They were both that way, saying something that was either shrouded in meaning or else completely meaningless without any indication as to which is was. He decided to reply, "The same thing we do everyday, Demy: try to take over the world!"

* * *

I'm reasonably pleased with this chapter. Granted, it almost feels like filler stuff, but I assure you, it isn't. I'm trying not to push headlong into things, you know, take my time and explain the smaller pieces before they end up being big pieces and you all get lost. Demyx is really starting to piss me off. He must be PMS-ing or something. And I'm really getting tired of Axel being lame. I'll have to take care of that soon... Anyway, let me know if this chapter was too sweet for you, I think it got a little extra-fluffy there in the middle.

In Other News: for those of you who know and love Red Dawn, have you heard that a remake is coming out around Thanksgiving? I'm losing faith in the idea, though; Josh Peck (from Drake and Josh) is supposed to be playing Matt. And no Patrick Swayze. This does not bode well. Meanwhile, this is a week earlier than I expected it. I'm assuming that, in the future, you should expect updates between one- and two weeks. Adding to Favorites and Alerts is nice; reviews would be absolutely lovely.


	5. Canniness

**Warnings**: Well, see.... I don't think there are any warnings needed yet.

* * *

"_You there, Roxas?_"

He rubbed his eyes and replied, "Yeah, I'm here. Sorry."

"_Get sidetracked by something?_" The voice asked with a teasing lilt.

Smiling in spite of himself, Roxas replied, "Just thinking about stuff, Naminé. Nothing new."

"_Well forgive me if I don't believe you, but you always say it's nothing new,_" She presented, adding, "_So what is it?_"

Roxas hadn't told her. That alone worried him; he told Naminé everything, knowing that she wouldn't judge him or tell him off. But he tried not to bring sex into their conversations. _It'd be too weird_, he told himself, talking to someone he thought of as a sister about some random guy he'd slept with that wouldn't leave him alone. And at this point, with everything that he'd said and that Axel had said, Roxas was almost (almost) ashamed of how he'd treated the redhead. He didn't want Naminé to agree with him (because he knew she would).

"_Is it that bad?_"

She knew him too well; he chuckled and replied, "No, I just... I'm not sure what it is. It's a mess."

"_One of those, huh?_" He could hear the almost-smile in her voice, "_Well, are you gonna get through it okay?_"

"I should be able to manage," Roxas answered lightly. "I usually do, right?"

Naminé replied, "_No, you don't. That's it, I'm coming to get you and you're gonna tell me what's going on._"

"What do you mean-- Naminé? Hello?"

The line was dead, and Roxas knew trying to resist was like trying to open a door with a flashlight. Pointless.

* * *

"So tell me about this mess you've gotten yourself into."

Roxas sighed, staring at her. The thing about talking to Naminé was that she was so much like him, it was like talking to his reflection. Granted, a female reflection. But she had the same eyes, the same sun-bleached hair and simple smile. It made it awkward sometimes; he felt like he was just saying his thoughts out loud for the sake of saying them. Sometimes it helped, though.

Besides, she was sitting at his table and she wasn't leaving. He had to say something.

"I think I might've gotten in over my head, is all," He answered quietly, "And it's turned into a huge disaster."

Her eyes softened a bit, and she asked, "What kind of disaster?"

"The kind that challenges my reality," Roxas answered with a sarcastic smirk. "I'm going along, doing things the way I've always done them, and suddenly I get a nice slap of common sense about how it's not really working and how I'm being such an idiot. I'm used to all that, you know, but I guess I didn't... expect it from the source."

She caught his slip, and asked pointedly, "So what was the source?"

"...A mess," Roxas replied, eyes focusing sharply on his hands.

"Ah," Naminé murmured, nodding as she asked, "So what have you been calling this mess?"

Roxas wanted to not answer, but he knew he had to, so he told her, "His name's Axel."

"What makes him a mess?" She pressed gently.

Glancing at her with a slight smile, he said, "I don't think you'll approve."

"Now that's never stopped you before," She agreed.

So he told her, starting at the beginning and working steadily through. He tried not to ramble his thoughts out, and he did fairly well for the most part. His voice was soft, almost dispassionate, as he recalled his and Axel's arguments, the way he'd refused to let Axel in, how eventually he'd conceded to 'think about it'. In the end, he decided to tell her about the time he'd spent in Axel's apartment.

"The soup was good," He admitted lightly.

Naminé laughed softly and replied, "That's good, now I know you'll eat at the very least."

"Yeah.... Wait, what's that supposed to mean?" He asked, giving her a scrutinizing look.

With a shrug, she answered, "Well he can cook, apparently, and he got you to eat that time, so why shouldn't you eat again--"

"Here you assume I'm gonna see him again," Roxas muttered without meeting her eyes.

"Aren't you?" She countered lightly. "I think you wouldn't have gone back if you didn't want to see him again."

Roxas considered that. He'd gone back; despite finding his apartment on his own, in spite of his better judgment, he'd gone back. And he liked being around Axel, all things considered.

But he knew better. "I said I'd think about it. That doesn't mean I want to stay with him."

"What makes you think you don't want to?" Naminé asked carefully.

He sighed, knowing this was dangerous territory, and replied just as cautiously, "Because he's got this... childish innocence to him. I'll end up hurting him, one way or another. I don't want to hurt him."

"Why not?" When Roxas gave her a confused look, she continued, "Why don't you want to hurt him? If he doesn't mean anything to you, why should you care?"

_I hate when she does this._ She knew why he didn't want to hurt Axel. She knew he didn't want to hurt anyone, but some kind of intuition let her know why he especially didn't want to hurt him. She asked anyway, knowing Roxas wouldn't want to think about it. Wouldn't admit it, even to her, even to himself.

"I don't want anyone to get hurt on my account," He answered monotonously, the way he had so many times before. "That's nothing new."

Naminé nodded, knowing her point had been made, whether Roxas agreed or not. "Alright, I believe you."

"You believe that as much as you believe I can fly," Roxas contradicted with a slight grin.

Conceding to this, she tried, "Well, I trust your judgment, in any case."

"You trust me as far as you can throw me," He again denied her logic.

With a laugh, Naminé stood and recanted, "You're right! I think you're an idiot and I know you're doing something stupid, but I know there's nothing I can do to stop you."

"Finally!" Roxas laughed as well, "Here I was beginning to think you weren't ever gonna give up on changing my mind."

She smiled at him, and he knew what she was thinking. '_You'll change your own mind, soon enough._'

They talked for two hours, about her life, about his. They hadn't talked in forever, it seemed. But it always seemed like that with people from Roxas's past; like he'd set them aside until he was sure he wasn't going to hurt them anymore than he already had. Unavoidably, though, they refused this plan and came to find him. Once found, he was happy enough to talk.

But after she'd gone, he laid on his couch and stared around his apartment. Thinking how quiet it was.

_Sunday._ He pulled his phone from his pocket, wondering, _didn't Axel say he didn't work Saturdays and Sundays?_

He was in the process of opening his phone when he realized what he was doing: he was going to call Axel to see him. He couldn't do that. He was doing it because he was bored and alone, and knew the redhead would be more than happy to see him. He was using Axel as a cure for his boredom. Using him all over again. He scolded himself. _Coward._

Thusly consoled that he indeed wasn't going to call Axel, he opened his phone. He was surprised to realize he had a text message, thinking to himself he must've been really involved in his conversation to not feel his phone going off. He clicked on the message to read it, learning belatedly that it was indeed from Axel.

_I want to see you today._

Roxas stared at it for a good five minutes. One thing could be said of Axel, he was very blunt. Roxas tried to reason with himself that no, just because Axel wanted to see him didn't mean that seeing him still wasn't using him on Roxas's part. Still, he finally replied something along the lines of 'why' and waited.

When his phone went off again, it read: **New Message from:** **Axel** - _Because it's Sunday, and I didn't get to see you at all yesterday._

Quickly, Roxas returned, 'I realize you didn't see me yesterday. Do you have to see me everyday?'

Moments later, he was answered, _No. But I'd like to._

Unable to come up with a response, Roxas left the message to sit for a few minutes. Until his phone went off again, this time for a call. From Axel.

He rolled his eyes and answered, "Yes?"

"_So it's not that your phone battery died,_" Axel's musing voice came, adding, "_Why else wouldn't you answer..._"

Roxas almost chuckled, and replied, "I was debating on whether or not to think you were stalking me."

"_I'm not stalking you. If I was stalking you, you wouldn't know_," Axel explained lightly. "_Otherwise, I wouldn't be a very good stalker._"

Silently wondering about this logic, Roxas remarked, "Well, I guess you're not very good at what you do, then."

"_That's neither here nor there,_" Axel digressed, "_I want to see you today._"

As he tried to buy time, Roxas informed him, "You really need to work on your tact."

"_No, I think my tact is just fine,_" The other murmured with an amused tone, "_I mean, you obviously don't know what to do with me._"

His face took a slight tint of red as he answered, "And what does that tell you, exactly?"

"_That you don't know how to say whatever it is you want to say._"

Roxas didn't say anything. He was too busy thinking how much he really hated people being able to read his mind. It was getting old, really fast.

Axel seemed to catch on to Roxas's thoughts, and he returned a bit less teasingly, "_If you need some time to yourself, kid, I understand._"

"I--" Roxas stopped, let out a slow breath, and continued, kinder, "I have time. Where are you?"

* * *

Upon reflection, Roxas should've said he was allergic to sunshine. Or people, he could be allergic to people.

Because it was a beautiful day; the sun was shining, the birds were singing. And Axel had the brilliant idea to go to a park. Just like everyone else did.

And he wanted Roxas to go along.

Not that the blonde was miserable or anything. In fact, Roxas wasn't sure why he felt so on edge. He didn't want to be in his apartment, after all. And he liked the outdoors as much as the next person, and it was nice to get out and feel the sun on his face once in a blue moon. _So what is it?_

Was it Axel?

He glanced at his companion, who was leading him to somewhere deeper into the park. Could it be Axel, who made Roxas uneasy? But there wasn't anything to be uneasy about, they were just walking through a park, an arm's length away from each other. Anyone who cared to look would probably just think they were friends--

_Is that it?_ Was it because they were out in the open and people could see them together? Was that what bothered him so much? Was that Axel's plan?

"Roxas."

He jumped, widened his eyes for a moment before focusing on Axel again. "Yeah?"

"Off in your thoughts again?" Axel chuckled, adding teasingly, "I wonder what you think about all the time. Deep, dark thoughts?"

Rolling his eyes, Roxas replied sarcastically, "Of course. I'm trying to discover your evil plot before I get trapped."

"Evil plot? Me?" Axel, having finally led him to what seemed to be their destination, lifted himself onto the edge of a picnic table and replied, "What makes you so sure I'm evil?"

That, Axel sitting on the table, had to be a trap, so Roxas remained a distance away and replied, "Well if you're not evil and you're not stalking me, then explain all this."

"What's there to explain?" Axel asked in return and, despite Roxas's space, he easily grabbed the younger's hand and pulled him closer and murmured gently, "What's so wrong with me wanting to be outside on such a nice day with someone I want to get to know a little bit better?"

Roxas resisted mildly, not wanting to be ensnared, and muttered, "You couldn't do that inside?"

"Tried that already, didn't we?" Axel replied, taking hold on the other hand as well, "We got to you not knowing Red Dawn and you ended up asleep in my lap."

He was entirely too close, with his head against Roxas's and hair brushing against his face and eyes staring into his.

"...That was your fault," Roxas managed when he had use of his senses, "You were the one pulling me into your lap, if I remember."

Axel grinned, and agreed, "I didn't say it wasn't my fault. And I am definitely not complaining."

Roxas felt his face heating up again, knowing it was turning red, and hating it. It didn't help that Axel hadn't stopped watching him.

"Can you let go of me already?" He asked quietly, not unkindly.

With another chuckle, Axel released him and answered, "All you had to do was ask, you know."

"I did, didn't I?" Roxas remarked, sitting on the bench beside Axel. Or rather, below him.

To his surprise Axel fell back against the table, stretching out as he mused, "I guess you did... It really is nice out today."

"So now you're gonna fall asleep?" Roxas asked, almost teasingly.

Axel glanced down the table towards him with a smirk before declining, "These tables aren't very good for sleeping on."

"Which means you've tried." Roxas shook his head slowly at the thought of the lanky redhead passed out on a picnic table.

"Tried is a strong word," Axel recanted, "It implies intention. I have fallen asleep here, but never on purpose." He added after a moment, "So, your turn. Ask a question."

Back to the game they'd been playing Friday night. Asking questions to make the other awkward. Roxas tried, "First sexual experience with a guy."

"Ahaha... You'll kill me," The redhead remarked.

Hesitantly, Roxas asked, "Why?"

"You said your foreman's name was Saix, right?" Came the just as hesitant reply.

Roxas blinked once; twice; then moved closer to Axel's face and demanded, "You're joking."

"Blueish-grey hair?" Axel asked for confirmation, adding, "Kinda reddish-golden eyes?

It was too bad to be true. "But he's an _ass_!"

"Yeah, he got to be like that junior year high school," Axel replied with a reminiscent exhale. "He started hanging with a different crowd that summer, and well-- I dunno, people change, right?"

Almost refusing to believe this, Roxas asked as he rested his back against the edge of Axel's bed, "What, wasn't he an ass when you knew him?"

"Oh, he was an ass the whole time," Axel agreed lightly. "He was just a different kind of ass, you know, only when he had to be. Always for a good reason."

There was something strange in the way he recalled these ideas, Roxas thought, turning a bit to look at Axel once more. Green eyes were staring straight up into the clouds, wide open and thoughtful as if wondering where all those times and people had gone. Then Axel was back, turning and smiling sheepishly at Roxas.

"So yeah, first 'experience' was with Saix," He reiterated, "Spring break of our sophomore year. Right after that this kid Xemnas showed up, Saix got caught up in his bullshit. So I fell by the wayside."

Roxas considered this for a moment, thinking for a moment before replying, "That sounds like it hurt."

"Not in the beginning, it didn't," Axel disagreed easily, "Saix is-- well, was, I don't know how he is now, but... he was good to me. All things considered."

With a shrug, Roxas thought aloud, "Maybe you're just too loyal for your own good."

"You think so?" Axel reached out and brushed his hand along Roxas's jaw, adding quietly, "Is that my weakness, then?"

His touch was almost... comforting to Roxas, and he replied after a slight delay, "I wouldn't say that it makes you weak, just that it distracts you."

"Distracts me? Trust me, kid," He grinned, sitting up and fussing with the blonde spikes, "Loyalty doesn't distract me half as much as you do."

Roxas smacked his hand away and muttered, "Whatever. Your question."

"What are your thoughts on destiny?" Axel replied, his voice deceptively teasing.

It caught Roxas off guard; he took a moment to answer, "I don't believe in it."

"Any particular reason?" Axel prompted gently, turning to put a leg on either side of Roxas and pulling him against his chest, interlacing their fingers.

Feeling decidedly uncomfortable with the situation, but without any motivation to change it, Roxas managed to reply, "Think about it. Some great, cosmic power just sits out in the universe somewhere and comes up with what's gonna happen to everyone before they're born? All the misery and pain and destruction in the world, destiny means all that was planned. It just doesn't add up."

"So you think things just happen randomly?" Axel asked softly.

Just as softly, Roxas explained, "I want to think that what's wrong with me wasn't just some-- punishment for something I did in a past life. I want to think it could've happened just as easily to someone else and the only reason I got stuck with it is that I was in the right place at the right time."

He felt Axel's chest rise, heard him take a deep breath, and then admitted, "Yeah... I can understand that."

"And don't get me wrong," Roxas continued, finally relaxing into Axel's embrace, "I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but there are days when I wonder why it happened to me. I don't want it to be personal."

Lips against the side of his neck, just barely brushing his flesh, distracted Roxas briefly. _This is wrong._ He hadn't wanted to get this close. He knew Axel wanted a relationship, even if Axel himself didn't know it yet. The redhead could say he just wanted to help Roxas all he liked, but they'd already gone too far from the moment they'd met. Axel was _good_, was too good. There was something in him, some spark or some light that refused to let him see how dark and poisonous this was all turning out to be.

_This is wrong._ But he still wanted it, for whatever reason. And it scared him; wanting wasn't something Roxas was used to. He'd kept it under control. He didn't need all this. What he needed from time to time was sex, and that was easy enough to find without having to worry about hurting the other person. Usually. Except for this time.

"So what do you believe in?" Axel asked, bringing Roxas back to the world gently.

Roxas swallowed, his throat feeling thick for some reason, before answering, "Cause and effect. When I do something, it causes something to happen. Which comes back, somewhere along the line, to affect me, and I end up affecting something else in the process. I guess it's something like Karma, in a less cosmicly-justified way."

"Meaning that doing good things doesn't mean that good things will happen to you in return?" Axel clarified.

With a small frown, Roxas replied, "Something like that."

"Ah... Well, your question," Murmured Axel lightly, relinquishing Roxas's hands, only to wrap his arms around the younger's shoulders.

It was Roxas who took a deep breath this time and let it out slowly as he said, "I never asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up."

Tenderly, Axel smiled, thinking about the last time they'd touched upon the subject. He answered, a wry chuckle unsuppressed, "An arsonist."

"A what?" Having half a mind to stand and confront Axel, Roxas tried to turn, failed, and asked again, "You wanted to be--"

"Not literally," Axel recanted, relieved when Roxas stopped struggling, "I had this habit of-- well, burning things as a kid."

Roxas made an almost disapproving sound in his throat and muttered dryly, "You can't make a living from arson, you know."

"Oh, sure you can, if you know what you're doing," Axel said, teasing himself more than Roxas. "There are plenty of people willing to pay to have things go up in smoke."

After finding that was probably true, and that he couldn't argue, Roxas returned, "Well then literally, what did you want to be when you were young?"

"I guess... I didn't think about it, a lot," He admitted, "Not until I was fourteen or so. But even then, it wasn't a serious thing, so--"

Here Roxas interjected, "What was it?"

"What-- Oh." For the first time, Axel almost seemed to not want to answer; he did, though sheepishly, "Well, my brother and I started one of those garage bands and we were actually convinced it was going somewhere. We did alright, as far as things go, but after a while the real world caught up with us and we went off to seek our fortunes outside of music."

Roxas nodded thoughtfully, adding, "Was that a group decision, or did it just happen?"

"A little of both," Axel replied, "High school was the real death blow. The first two years were crazy, and don't get me wrong, I'd never trade it. But we spent the next two years trying to put everything back together. I think we finally realized our mistakes when Reno-- anyway, I digress. Sometime during junior year we all decided it was time to let go. So we did."

_Now we're getting somewhere._ Here was something Axel wasn't completely ready to bear his soul about. After struggling with all of his questions, Roxas was glad to find that Axel wasn't untouchable. And yet, Axel was still holding him close against his chest; maybe he wasn't as uncomfortable as he sounded to Roxas.

Finally, Axel murmured, "It's getting dark."

Roxas glanced at his watch, mystified when it read somewhere around eight o' clock. Roxas attempted to then remove himself from Axel's arms, but found the redhead wouldn't allow it.

"Were we planning on staying in a park after dark?" Roxas asked softly.

Axel let out a soft breath and replied, disheartened, "I guess not."

He walked Roxas home, the pair mostly silent the whole way. Close, but not too close. Familiar, but not too familiar. They stood in front of the blonde's door for some time, staring at each other. One not wanting to leave, the other knowing he had to.

"Can I see you tomorrow?" Axel managed after a moment.

Roxas tilted his head, looked over him, then asked in return, "Do you really want to?"

"Yeah," Axel laughed, "I thought I made that obvious."

Conceding to this, Roxas wondered, "What am I going to do with you?"

"...Anything you want, kid."

His voice was bare, without the usual humor or poetry that Roxas had come to connect with Axel; in its stead was a pure, child-like tone of honesty and resolve. Again Roxas found himself staring, and again he found the green eyes staring back and drawing closer. Closer, but not too close.

But they were too close, when Roxas realized his head was supporting Axel's once again.

In the end, Roxas smirked and asked, "What happened to just wanting to help me?"

"This is how I can help," Axel answered in the same voice as before.

Roxas swallowed nervously; when he tried to retort, Axel brushed their lips together lightly, distracting him easily. Too late Roxas realized he was kissing the redhead, tenderly, almost chastely. Axel's hands were straying to his hips again, Roxas's arms reached to wrap over the thin shoulders, fingers to bury themselves in the red locks and never let go. _This is wrong, wrong, __wrong_, he told himself over and over again, even as he himself deepened the caress. _Let him go, this is your last chance. If you don't let go, you'll never--!_

He was surprised when Axel was the first to pull away, his breath against Roxas's cheek rushing and starved.

"Sorry, Rox, I--" He choked out a small laugh, a breathy, slightly hysterical mannerism, "I'm not well known for my self control."

Axel remained ensnared in the smaller's arms without much complaint (happily, he admitted to himself). He was bemused, utterly, at the fact that Roxas was still holding him. For as much as the blonde didn't need anyone, for as much as he didn't need someone to come home to, that was what it felt like he wanted.

Then he murmured, "I'll... see you tomorrow, Axel."

"I'm glad."

* * *

Well, this chapter took far too long and too little happened. Again, in the process of trying to keep things from moving too fast, I think things are beginning to move too slowly. Bear with me folks, I'm working steadily through. Hope you enjoyed some of the insights from this chapter, and please, no death for that whole Saix thing. We see more of that later.


	6. Exasperation

Warnings: MAN SEX. Well... not exactly man-sex, but very near and dear to it! Again, if you'd rather not read it, look out; Axel has **no self control.** HINT. HINT.**

* * *

Chapter Six**

_When he wants to see me, he'll call. Don't rush it._

Axel continually thought this in order to convince himself not to call Roxas as soon as he'd been released from the office. He had gone home; after puttering around the apartment for the better part of an hour, he left again. For the next hour he walked aimlessly, checking his phone every few minutes or so. He felt sufficiently pathetic by the time his phone rang.

"Hello?"

"_Sounds like __someone__ has a fear of phone calls all of the sudden._"

Bemused, Axel asked, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"_Just... Nothing. What are you up to?_" Roxas sounded slightly amused; Axel liked the sound.

He answered, "Walking around, trying to find something to do. You?"

"_Cooking. Any requests?_"

Axel tried to understand the question, failed, and asked, "What?"

"_You cooked for me, so that makes it my turn. Right?_" There it was again, the almost teasing tone.

With a grin, Axel replied, "Alright."

"_So where are you?_"

"On my way."

* * *

The apartment was as small as Axel remembered it; he could look at several places where he and Roxas had... paused... that first night. It made his spine tremble, just slightly, before Roxas motioned him into the kitchenette and offered him a spot at the small table.

_Wonder if I looked like this..._ It seemed strange to watch Roxas moving around the room, pulling a baking pan out of the oven carefully. Thought Axel admitted to himself, he liked seeing (for the first time, it almost seemed) Roxas doing something so normal, so simple a task as cooking. Then again, everything about Roxas continued to surprised him-- and keep him on his toes. On one hand, he wanted to make sure he didn't rush the blonde into anything he didn't want, he had to give him time to think and figure things out.

On the other, he'd taken a risk the day before, holding Roxas, _and didn't it pay off,_ when Roxas kissed him? Wasn't that a sign of... something? _'...you're gonna get hurt by this kid...' _Damn Demyx. Did he already see this coming, this halfway salvation? Did he know Axel would have to hide-and-seek and try to read when it was safe to touch and be touched and when it was best to keep distance?

Roxas turned and smiled a bit sheepishly. "You know, it's... been a while, since I've cooked for more than myself."

"Yeah?" Axel smiled in return, and murmured, "Seems like you're pretty good at it."

He stood, staring over Roxas's shoulder to ask, "So is it my turn to ask _what is it, exactly_ or should--"

"Chicken and rice," Came the almost sarcastic reply.

_And here we go again. _There was always a note of sarcasm in their conversations. It had become a way for them to be completely serious and at once completely playful. Axel smirked, subconsciously resting his hands on Roxas's hips and pulling the blonde against his chest. The realization of his actions only came when Roxas leaned against him, just a little.

Then Roxas chuckled, "Since you're so tall and such, grab some plates from the cabinet there."

With a slight groan Axel released his hold and asked, "Which cabinet where?"

It seemed they both were skeptical of each other's cooking. Axel chased the rice and chunks of chicken around his plate before committing to a bite. Of course, having tasted the concoction, he was completely ecstatic and devoured the rest of his serving. Roxas ate his a bit more docilely, but was forced to threaten pain if Axel didn't stop staring at him likehe was next on the menu.

Roxas struggled not to stare at Axel's mouth. He was mentally smacking himself, trying to figure out why watching the redhead eat made him think of the... not so innocent things that mouth had done when they'd slept together. That mouth, that tongue, those lips... _Stop it! Get a hold of yourself!_

He almost felt the need to add some self-degrading comment along the lines of acting like some horny school boy trying to get laid for the first time. But for some demented (_completely and utterly demented,_ Roxas assured himself) reason, he had a dark suspicion that that chastisement would only lead to worse thought and quite frankly, he didn't want to deal with those at the moment.

It didn't help that Axel, for the first time since Roxas had met him, wasn't wearing a crisp collared shirt; in its place was just a simple black tank top. Which clung to his chest and abdomen beautifully, which drew further distinction to his slim but well-built arms. Arms that had supported him and crushed him so many nights before just a short walk away from where they were sitting--

Oh joy for sexual tension. He just had to wonder if Axel felt it as well.

He did. Of course, he did; though Axel was a little bit more comfortable with the idea of wanting a specific someone (as opposed to just wanting someone to have for a moment). Still, of course he felt the _pull_ and the _push_, the _need_ and the _want_, the _yes_ and the _no_. Certainly, he felt the _no_. Maybe not even the _no_, maybe just the ghost, the idea of _no_, the sheer possibility that kept him flinching away from a blow he'd felt and wasn't quite ready to feel again. Not just yet.

"...Now that you've finished inhaling everything except your plate and fork," Roxas finally stood, extending a hand, "We can get down to business."

Bemused, Axel stood as well, refusing to hand over his dishes and instead going himself to return them to the sink, asking over his shoulder, "What business?"

"This business." Roxas deposited his mess and went to the living room section of the smallish apartment and held up a DVD case.

Axel retrieved the case, flipping it over before smirking and wondering, "You actually rented Red Dawn?"

"Since you seem to think I have no childhood because I haven't seen it," Roxas mocked lightly, "I thought we could try this again."

_Or we could try something else again,_ Axel thought, before chiding himself and grinning. "If you think you're up to it."

"Either put the DVD in or shut up."

Twenty minutes of classic 80s style video had Axel on some hypersensitive radar. Every breath the other took, some being longer and soft and others quick and harsh made Axel wonder about Roxas's thoughts and feelings and thinking-thinking-thinking. _Enough! Let it go!_ He was over-rationalizing things the way he liked to do. He took a deep breath himself and freed it, hoping to calm down.

Roxas shifted; their knees touched; Axel almost cringed.

"When did you get so claustrophobic?" Roxas mused, not unkindly.

Shaking his head clear, Axel covered, "I really get into this movie."

"I almost don't believe you," Roxas continued, almost not even paying attention.

Axel glanced over at him, finding the dark, bright blue eyes trained diligently on the screen. Studying, learning. Focused.

Then the disk skipped. And froze.

"You know Roxas," Axel chuckled, standing, "I think this might be a sign from the Universe."

Roxas was already at the technological base with the disk in hand, biting back, "And what sign is that?"

"I think you aren't meant to watch Red Dawn," Axel answered, finding himself not quite behind Roxas, but very close.

With a slight sound of defeat, Roxas admitted, "You may be right on that."

He glanced up, startled with how close Axel seemed all the sudden. Axel and his mouth. Passingly, he wondered, if he kissed Axel now, would the redhead taste like himself, or like Roxas's cooking?

Then he caught himself, and with a slightly more than noticeable tinge to his cheeks, he glanced away. "Any other signs?"

"Why are you so nervous?" Axel questioned in response, tenderly pulling Roxas back to face him with a handful of his hair.

Roxas couldn't answer him. _Why am I so nervous?_ It was the same feelings from yesterday, this close but too close but not close enough mentality. He didn't know how to handle all this... feeling so small standing there, red-faced and confused and wanting so very very badly _closer, closer, stay back, don't let go._

Axel leaned down, kissing Roxas's colored cheek softly, then again, moving easily towards the almost (but not quite) trembling lips. Roxas was almost frozen, patiently waiting, as the heat from Axel's lips and _oh Gods, that tongue_ stroked and caressed and brought life to him once more. His hands remained as they were, still holding Red Dawn-- firm in his shaking grasp.

Then Axel noticed, and gently (was everything he did so loving and light?) pulled the disk from Roxas's fingers, setting it... somewhere... He didn't really care.

Before he continued kissing Roxas (because Roxas knew-- hoped, prayed, demanded-- that he would), Axel murmured, "I've told you, I've got no self-control."

"Alright."

Interlacing their fingers, Axel pulled Roxas back onto the couch, pulling him into his lap. Roxas carefully, and for once gracefully, straddled the elder's hips, leaning to seal their lips again. Axel used his hold on the small, warm hands to draw him closer, loving the warmth that spread between them, wondering if they were both just naturally that temperature or if it was each other that made them so.

Roxas moaned softly against into his mouth and heard Axel echo it, a mutual understanding; _don't you dare stop, I'll kill you if you stop_. Roxas pulled his hands free, easily, threading them within the locks right at the base of Axel's skull, tracing slight circles in his scalp. Meanwhile, Axel's hands relocated the Roxas's thighs, pulling him closer and drawing a startled, pleasured gasp at the sudden friction. He rolled his hips forward in response, pressing as much of himself as he could against the other and delighting in the groan it garnered.

Axel's hands were moving again, sliding once up and down Roxas's back; then, slowly, as if giving Roxas a chance, even then, to stop things, he traveled up and down again, under the material of Roxas's shirt, a tremor at the haunting feel of Roxas's skin. As they neared his ribs, it was Roxas who started to shake, and Axel spent some time teasing the sensitive muscles. Then he moved to the front, to the soft, tender stomach with the (apparently) flinching navel.

He wanted to lay Roxas down and absolutely harass the hell out of his belly button, but didn't want to change this pace. If there was a pace. Between Axel's wandering hands and Roxas's-- ministrations...

Roxas had decided the vein on Axel's neck that had begun to pulse quite a but more forcefully within the last few minutes was far too tempting. Without releasing his hold, he'd assaulted Axel's neck and throat, sometimes sucking and nibbling light, other times biting forcefully, stopping the blood to his brain. Axel had never felt so trapped before; it was a crazy, breathless feeling of needing the connections of skin and touch and lips and nails scraping lightly over his skull.

But his hands had found the sensitive nipples on Roxas's chest, distracting him long enough for Axel to attach his own mouth anywhere on the blonde that he could reach. Again Roxas moaned, tipping his body back and relenting and releasing the red spikes, holding tightly to the strong shoulders. Axel finally decided that the shirt, which by now was as far up as it could go on Roxas's chest without being removed, was completely useless; he started to pull it off in an rough, tender way. Again Roxas slid his skin against the soft cotton that covered the other's body, his breath slow but heavy in Axel's ear.

It was absolutely amazing, the way he could feel the blood rushing in the back of his arms and legs, all the way down to his toes and back to his face. Roxas knew his face was red, could feel the heat, and suddenly he didn't care anymore. Axel's teeth found their familiar hold on Roxas's neck, squeezing the fading bruise over and over, taking revenge for earlier teasing. Quiet, half-strangled moans fell from his mouth and sang to Axel's heart and pulled at his chest and begged him over and over _I need this so badly_, but this wasn't what he needed it... wasn't....

"Roxas..."

He felt him almost flinch at the almost warning tone in Axel's voice. "Please, Axel--"

"Roxas," Axel murmured softly, comfortingly, "Look at me."

As he tried to gather his wits again (_where had they gone, _he wondered), Roxas sat up and stared into the other's impossible green eyes. Trying to understand the feelings hiding in them, trying to figure out what Axel was looking for in his own eyes. Roxas felt his pulse slowing and relaxing, as if to remind him that he really shouldn't be doing this at all. Still, he cradled Axel's face in his hands and leaned his forehead against his, thinking quietly to himself that this was all his fault, and he was just going to have to handle it.

Things were just as confusing for Axel, though for different reasons. Sitting there, with Roxas half-dressed and panting in his lap and staring intently into his soul; sitting there, he knew he was already completely in love with him. Why wouldn't he love the blonde, with such a soft voice and gentle eyes and tender smile, all lost and broken up inside? _But dammit,_ what was he supposed to do? If Roxas decided 'no', if he was really going to lose him and never be this close again, how was he going to survive?

Axel kissed him, a consoling, not-leaving caress. "Rox, I'm just... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... _Fuck_."

"I know," Roxas answered quietly, "I didn't either, don't worry. We're fine."

He was surprised to feel a tremor spreading through Axel's body, and Roxas found himself kissing him again. "We're fine, Axel, we're fine."

_We're fine._ Axel wanted to believe that so badly. But he knew it was a finite statement. Sure, they were fine after this little incident, but overall, there was still time for Roxas to stop and leave and be gone.

"Axel," Softly, almost tenderly, "What am I going to do with you?"

Wrapping his hands around Roxas's, Axel closed his eyes for a moment before replying, almost teasingly, "Keep me?"

Roxas swallowed, suddenly feeling nervous, but he answered softly, "We'll see."

That wasn't no. _It's not yes,_ Axel reminded himself,_ but it's not no._ He kissed Roxas again, a very gentle brush of lips. "Then we'll see."

"Can you..." Roxas's breath shuddered as he inhaled, just a little, then he continued, "Let's go for a walk."

Bemused, Axel reluctantly released him and helped him stand. For a moment, he stood over the redhead, looked left, looked right, then back at him.

"Where's my shirt?"

* * *

It was a beautiful shade of grey that shrouded the city as they paced the streets; Axel wasn't sure even then why they'd ended up outside like this, but he was glad, at the same time. Something told him if it weren't for his racing thoughts he and Roxas would've ended up just as they had when they'd first slept together. Which wasn't a bad way to be in by any means, but he basically would've lost the war.

Roxas muttered dryly, "I still don't see how you slept with Saix."

"Ah, well," Axel chuckled lightly, "I take it he was especially a pain in the ass today?"

Conceding, Roxas answered, "Nah, I probably just payed more attention."

"Why?" The other asked.

With a shrug, Roxas replied lightly, "I'm just trying to figure out how you got from an ass like him to-- someone like me."

"Someone like you?" Axel asked skeptically, adding, "What, couldn't come up with a way to describe yourself?"

He paused and considered this. Then Roxas murmured, "You went from an ass like Saix to a mess like me. Sounds like you enjoy being in poisonous relationships."

"...I don't think you're a mess," Axel presented softly, instinctively, reaching for Roxas's hand. "I don't think this is poisonous."

Roxas sighed, with a bittersweet smirk. "No. You wouldn't."

_Gods, that voice._ Axel let passing thoughts of tearing his ears off to not hear that voice again float by, not taking them too seriously. He pulled Roxas a bit closer, closer still when the blue eyes refused to meet his own. He grasped the blonde's chin gently, lifting it to gain his attention. When he had it, he brushed his thumb left, right, left again.

"No. I wouldn't," He agreed.

He watched Roxas almost debate with himself for a moment; he knew there was going to be some kind of a rebuttal, some 'well you should' speech. He didn't want to hear it, not now, not for another day or so, and certainly not from Roxas. Instead, Axel sealed their lips, a familiar note of tenderness in his touch.

Briefly, Roxas considered scolding the elder for the tactic. Rather than do that, he reached and wrapped his fingers through the vermillion spikes. Admittedly, he loved how soft Axel's hair was. Soft, but strong. Hadn't someone told him, at one point, that all you need to know about a person you can learn from their hair?

When had Axel's hands moved to his waist, and pulled him flush against him? When had the chaste greeting turned into this heated, passionate dance of breath and tongue? Roxas managed to make some distance between them, knowing that this would never end well, on some street corner out in the wide world.

Axel didn't let him go far; but he understood, and asked quietly, tauntingly, "What am I gonna do with you, kid?"

"That's my line," Roxas murmured, and kissed his cheek lightly before adding, "So where are we going?"

Chuckling, Axel demanded, "It was your idea to come outside, you know."

"Yeah, but it was your fault we had to leave the apartment," Roxas contradicted, though he knew it to be false.

So did the redhead; "How do you figure?"

"...I dunno." Roxas sighed, stepping away carefully, "I just-- I get so confused around you. I know I should stay back, I know I shouldn't lead you on. I don't feel like I'm leading you on, though, I don't want to be leading you on. I like... losing myself around you, but I know it's only gonna end up with you hurt. I don't want to hurt you, Axel."

Axel listened docilely, unhappy with the distance Roxas had created. It only made his words sting that much more. _He's happy with me, isn't that what he said?_

He asked softly, after pressing his lips together for a brief moment, "So is it me you don't trust... or yourself?"

"Does it matter?" Roxas returned, near amusement in his voice, "You shouldn't trust me. Since you do anyway, I have to distrust you--"

"Roxas."

The blonde faltered, staring at up at Axel. Watched him step closer, wrap his arms around the thin waist.

Green eyes pressed into him, asking along with his voice, "Roxas, don't break your heart to build a cage, okay?"

A tremor raced down Roxas's spine, and he retorted, "What does that even mean?"

"Never mind," Axel answered.

* * *

When Roxas walked back into his little world, Axel hesitated in the doorway. It was probably a bad idea to go in; after all that they'd said that night, it was a really bad idea.

But it sounded so good. Roxas turned and looked back at him, and it was just _such_ a good idea. Axel rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

The same feelings wrapped themselves in Roxas's chest, but he was a bit more determined. He didn't want to let Axel think things were all fine when they might not be. He didn't want Axel to get the wrong idea and think Roxas was going to move in with him. He desperately wanted Axel to stay with him for one more night.

"I don't want to leave."

A bit startled, Roxas considered this for a moment before replying as he returned to Axel, "You want to...?"

"Stay," Axel replied, breathlessly, as though it was obvious, adding more softly when Roxas was before him and their hands found each other, "I want to stay."

Roxas kissed him, pulling him in with an uncharacteristically gentleness. When he was out of the way, Roxas reached around him and shut the door, murmuring, "Alright."

He nearly melted at the thought. _I can stay._ Roxas was letting him stay. He needed to feel Roxas against him again, sought his lips hungrily. Roxas met him with equal need and want, humoring him for some time before breaking away and heading towards-- The bedroom.

Axel froze a bit inside, with an almost primal, involuntary thrill telling him that what happened in that room was at once wonderful and terrible. He wanted it, whichever it was.

Following when he regained his common sense (what was left of it), he found Roxas pulling his shirt over his head, nonchalantly getting ready to sleep. Axel walked over to him, sliding his hands around to his chest, brushing from his tender, sensitive ribs and abs to his ticklish nipples and navel.

Roxas let his head tip back against Axel's chest, his back instinctively arching into the caresses. One hand drifted lower, thin fingers dipping just below the waist of Roxas's jeans. Teeth finding the shell of his ear, the juncture of his neck. All these places on him that he loved to have bitten and touched and abused. _How does he know them?_ Did Axel learn all this from the one night-- and the little incident earlier that day-- and just somehow memorize them all? Roxas remembered that it didn't matter when both hands were on his hips pulling him back and enlightening him to a few things.

The first being that he wanted Axel very badly. The second, that Axel wanted him just as badly, if not more.

He found himself, again, beneath the redhead and pressed against his mattress. His senses were far too intense; every time something touched him, a hand, a tongue, a strand of hair, he felt it and trembled and moaned as Axel's hands brushed and stroked his cock slowly and insistently. Roxas had his own hand wrapped around Axel's arousal and moved in rhythm with him. Roxas heard his name crawl from Axel's throat over and over again and loved it and replied in kind just as often. A unheard, beautiful melody bouncing off the walls and echoing deliciously.

Then Axel stopped, just for a moment, shaking with adrenaline and endorphins. His hand retreated, taking Roxas's away as well. When Roxas squirmed, not ready to lose that sensation, Axel smirked and ground their groins together, reveling in the gasping moan it received. Roxas instantly agreed and wrapped his arms over Axel's shoulders, gripping Axel's hips with his legs. Kissing him harshly again, Axel repeated the movement, and didn't stop in his endeavors until they had both cried their last gasping, exhausted moan and collapsed against each other and wouldn't let go.

"Roxas," he murmured softly, his throat refusing to allow anything louder.

Trying to steady his breathing, Roxas replied, "Yeah...?"

"Come live with me."

Instead, Roxas kissed him, then offered, "Ask me tomorrow."

* * *

So... This is a week late... I hope you guys are reasonably pleased with this. It's been five chapters since we've seen anything worth the rating, so I figured it was about time to add some more back in. Thanks to everyone who reviews each chapter, and those who review in general. Thanks also to those who read this but don't review, but come back anyway.

Thanks also to Chocobo, who keeps me going :D


	7. Prevalence

**Warnings**: I think this is a somewhat the "looming BAWW" that one reviewer was waiting for (yes you, Mourir). We'll see.

* * *

Reality check.

Waking up in the darkness, listening to the heart beating just under his ear, Roxas ground the heel of his palm into his eyes.

_Great._

He wasn't sure what kind of drug he was on the night before. Fuck, what was he on for the last week? _How long have I known Axel?_ They slept together on a Friday... the panic attack was a week from that Friday... no, Thursday, not even a week later (he wondered in passing what Axel was doing in a bar on a Thursday). Then the weekend, and today was Monday. _Eleven days. Less than two weeks._

Roxas wasn't an expert on relationships, but it seemed like within two weeks, people won't have usually slept together.

Twice. Well, once-and-a-half... He said no in the first place, dammit!

Roxas rolled carefully off Axel's chest (he hadn't fallen asleep there), then again carefully crawled out of the bed. Not that he had to worry about Axel waking up; the redhead slept like a rock. But he glanced back at the sleeping form before he opened his door. _He looks... full._ He couldn't think of any other way to explain it. It was as if Roxas was some rare delicacy that Axel had kept himself from for years and years and now he'd had just the smallest bite and now had all he needed. He looked full and satisfied. Roxas smiled, just a little, and left.

Coffee. Hot water, filters; he took a deep breath, glad to once again be in his routine. _How could I live with him?_ Axel had to have his routine too, what were the chances that they would match? They barely knew each other after all, what if one of them did things a certain way that drove the other insane? And not the good insane, the hard, biting, hateful insane.

But what if it was worth it? _What if Axel--_

He shook his head clear. No, none of that. Regardless of whether or not they'd really be able to stand each other in close quarters, he still had to worry about his lovely little amnesia. He paused for a moment, whilst pouring water into the coffee maker; thinking again how almost neglectful Axel was of Roxas's condition. Not really neglectful, he amended, but he'd either intentionally not mentioned it, or had completely separated Roxas and whatever was wrong with Roxas and had chosen to focus on just the former.

For that, Roxas was grateful. But gratitude and sex weren't enough. _I don't think so, anyway..._

* * *

Axel woke suddenly, sure that Roxas had only just moved from over his heart and hadn't gone far. The room was empty, though, and the mattress beside him cool and long since vacated. _Really?_ He sat up, checking thoroughly that the blonde was not hiding in the shadows. _Really?_ Had Roxas slipped away without waking him again?

He rubbed the back of his neck, frustrated at his own incapability to noticed Roxas leaving. _I should've tied him up. _But he sat on the edge of the bed for a while, his head in his hands. Something felt off about the morning. Not that it was quite morning yet, it was only five in the morning. Five in the morning. Axel thought to himself how that would take some getting used to.

Which wasn't necessarily true. He'd only have to get used to it if Roxas decided to live with him.

And that was what made him nervous. But he took a deep breath and stood. Sitting in here was no way to survive.

Roxas was looking over his mail on his couch, a cup of coffee in hand. Glasses and darkness. Again.

"You'll go blind that way."

He glanced up, almost looked like he might smile, then rolled his eyes and tapped a lamp next to him, somehow turning it on in this way, looking back at his mail disinterestedly. The sudden light caught Axel off guard and he quickly looked away, hoping he wasn't going to be permanently blind because of the incident.

Now Roxas did smile (well, smirked), and replied, "Feels like a hangover, doesn't it?"

"Doesn't what?" Axel asked a bit guiltily.

This drew the blonde's eyes, and for a moment he just stared. Then he answered, "Getting smacked in the face by a lamp at five in the morning. You don't usually have to get up this early, do you?"

"...No," Axel chuckled, sheepishly, adding, "I have to be at work at eight-thirty, so I get up around seven."

Roxas returned to his mail, muttering as if in passing, "Sounds easier than being awake this early."

Axel watched him, wondering, _are you trying to say you shouldn't be with me because you get up two hours earlier?_ He decided to let it be, and moved towards the kitchen to make a cup of coffee for himself.

Once he'd turned away, Roxas closed his eyes, kicking himself over and over again. So much for not hurting Axel. Hadn't that been the only possible outcome of that exchange? Fuck, had he known that the whole time and kept talking anyway? What was he doing? _What am I __doing__?!_

"Rox?"

His hands were shaking; as his eyes snapped open, this became clearer than it needed to be.

But through force of will, he stopped them, and set his mail (what the hell was it about anyway?) and his mug on the table in front of him and replied, "Yeah?"

Axel walked over to him and sat on the edge of the table, concern written on his face. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Roxas answered, looking away before adding, "Just thinking."

He didn't see Axel's eyes also cast aside, but he knew those words were too dismissive to not hurt the redhead. But he didn't ask what Roxas was thinking about, didn't ask anything really. Just sat and waiting and tried to understand what was safe to say and what should be left alone. _Fuck. _

Roxas sighed; "I'm sorry. I don't know what's going on anymore."

"And I'm not helping by getting you sidetracked?" Axel offered, just this side of joking.

It gave him the chills; not the tremor Axel usually caused (he could've handled that), but genuine chills of unease. "It's not that, I just--"

"I know," Axel interjected, more subdued. "It's like... You made a decision, and you want to stick with it, but because of another decision, you're being forced to choose which one to stand by. And it's turning out to be more difficult than you thought it would be, and you're reverting to who you've made yourself become."

This caught Roxas's attention. It almost startled him to hear Axel explain things so very simply. Though part of him wanted to demand exactly who had he created and to which he was returning. It must have shown on his face, because Axel rethought what he said, realized what it implied, and smacked himself in the forehead.

"Shit, I mean--" Axel was the frustrated one now, adding, "I just mean that you're being more reclusive and withdrawn, like you used to be around me. But at the same time, you don't want to be, and when you realize you are, you get... I don't know, you get mad at yourself. You want to be fair and stick to your 'thinking about it', but between the part that is set on staying alone and affecting as few people as you can so they don't get hurt because of this goddamn amnesia thing and--"

Suddenly he paused, took a deep, sharp breath, and exhaled quietly. "I digress. I understand how you feel."

"...Are you okay?" Roxas asked softly.

In response to the slight worry in his voice, Axel chuckled sheepishly. "Yeah, I'm fine. I didn't mean to ramble, but I just need to say things out loud sometimes to make sure everything's straight."

Roxas nodded, thinking that such a habit made sense. For a while they sat again in the silence, though a bit more easily.

Finally, Axel asked, "So what are we gonna do?"

He was forcing himself to be steady and relaxed and unbiased. Inside, he was shaking and trembling and ready to break and disappear at the words _I just can't do this anymore._ But he had to let Roxas say them, if that was what he decided to say. And Axel had to let him say them and forgive himself for saying them by smiling and saying _okay_ and leaving without a regret.

Roxas answered after what seemed an eternity, "I just need a little more time to think. I think that's been the hardest part of all this; it feels like I don't have a moment to just sit and figure things out. Not that being by myself does any good. I'm still thinking about you and everything that's happening and it-- I just need some time, Axel. Let me get back into my routine and decide if I want to lose it."

Quiet. He didn't want to look up and see Axel's expression. Didn't want to know if he was frustrated at Roxas's indecisiveness; if he felt rejected and insufficient. Roxas kept his eyes down.

"Alright." Turning to face him slowly, Roxas was relieved to see a small smile in response. Axel continued wryly, "I'm not as unreasonable as you think all the time, kid."

With a chuckle, Roxas conceded, "I know you're not unreasonable."

"Then stop acting like it," Axel murmured as he reached out and wrapped his hand around Roxas's cheek. "Alright?"

He'd said that last night (hadn't he?), first when the DVD wouldn't work and then when Axel wanted to stay with him. _Alright._

"Yeah," He answered quietly, "Alright."

* * *

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Demyx scrutinized his best friend as he flipped his phone open (like he'd been doing all day), then with a quick glance he closed it. It didn't bother him; he seemed perfectly okay with whatever was making him open it that was obviously not happening. But after each of these episodes, he'd take a deep breath, hold it for a moment, then release it as if to calm himself.

With great difficulty, Demyx was keeping himself from asking. He had a pretty good idea what Axel was fidgeting about. But he really didn't want it to be about this Roxas kid. If it was about him, Demyx would then be honor-bound to kill him. Or maim him; or hate him, at the very least. Since, of course, he knew Axel wouldn't, no matter how much Roxas deserved it.

Even as it stood, without being certain of the present situation, Demyx disliked-- well, he didn't know what to think. On the one hand, from the moment Axel met him, Roxas had been digging him a hole and Axel (foolish, naive, loving Axel) willingly jumped in, and Roxas let him. For that, Demyx wasn't sure he'd be to quick to forgive him. That week, between the first time they'd met and when Axel found out what made Roxas the way he was, had been hell. Watching Axel sit and wonder and long and....

But after he got the younger to open up, when Axel finally got some trust from him; those days had been beautiful. _Gods, that sounds so strange, _Demyx thought to himself, as Axel again checked his phone, _like some cheesy chick-flick-line._ Because, without doubt, when Axel was happy, it showed. From that Saturday morning when he'd slipped into Axel's apartment to make him breakfast, it was so damn obvious that all Axel wanted from Roxas was a chance, and once he had it, everything bad didn't matter.

Which scared him.

He knew Axel could take care of himself. Over the years, they'd both learned that of each other. But Demyx also knew that when Axel hit bottom, it was hard for him to not stay there. Demyx did his best to keep him from the dark corner he'd created for those times, but... there were times when Axel went to this corner, and all Demyx could do was sit with him and clean the wounds.

"Demyx."

Realizing too late that he'd been staring, he grinned sheepishly and admitted, "I know, I know. Old habits die hard."

"You always say that," Axel replied, smiling in kind, before adding, "Now who's lame?"

He rolled his eyes before answering, "Fine, I'll be lame today. But just so you know, it's impossible for you to not be lame. It'll happen."

With a laugh, Axel said, "I can't argue with that."

"Good," Demyx stretched again, which he was getting very tired of doing, "So what's the plan today?"

Because Axel had called him late in the morning and told him to entertain him, and now they were eating in a diner; the kind with cheap plastic stools and menus that had memos penned in the drinks. Axel found through the years these places had the best coffee-type desserts, and he had a random craving for coffeecake.

Axel shrugged, "I dunno. Apparently something I did last week made my boss happy, so I have today and tomorrow off... And it seems like I haven't talked to you in days."

"I just broke into your apartment on Saturday," Demyx contradicted. "That was only three days ago."

Conceding to this, Axel replied, "Yeah, but ever since I moved here the only reason I talked to you was because of Roxas. I don't have any idea what you do in your spare time."

"That's just because you've had your head up your ass," Demyx muttered, but he grinned all the same.

Axel wanted to deny the fact, but he couldn't, so he didn't, and asked, "Well, what have you been up to?"

"Hm, well," Demyx rubbed the back of his neck thoughtfully, "Not much, Zexion and I--"

"Wait, who?"

The blonde paused, staring as if to ask _are you really that far behind_, before continuing, "Zexion."

"...And who's that?" Axel asked suspiciously.

Demyx replied slowly and confusedly, "My roommate...?"

"Just your roommate?" He looked away. Axel grinned and resisted the urge to reach out and smack him on the back of his head. "When did that happen?"

A bit sheepish again, Demyx replied, "We've been together for... Seven months? Yeah, seven, and about two months ago the transformer for my building blew up and we had no electricity for like, two weeks, so I stayed with Zexion, and somehow or another I just ended up moving my stuff to his place."

"What!" Axel was almost offended, and demanded, "Why didn't you tell me?"

With a slight grin himself, the other replied, "Because you always freak out like this when I get into relationships, for some reason. It's like you think I'm defective or something."

He was joking, and he and Axel knew that, but Axel continued, "Well, you always wait like this to tell me!"

"Right, I intentionally hide things from you." Demyx rolled his eyes again.

Considering this, Axel continued, "I was just at your house Thursday night, where was he?"

"He had a conference to handle in Traverse Town," Demyx explained, "He just got home yesterday."

"...How didn't I notice you didn't live alone?" Axel wondered, more to himself for a moment, but decided to move on; "So tell me about him."

Demyx was smiling tenderly, staring determinedly at the table, "Zexion, he's... quiet. He reads a lot, and--" He glanced up at Axel and, with a slight laugh, "I feel so dumb around him sometimes."

"What do you mean?" Axel asked, a little flag going up in the back of his mind.

Recognizing the alarm, Demyx explained, "He doesn't make me feel stupid, relax. It's like... He's so quiet, but when he does have something to say, it's always something-- I dunno, it doesn't make sense when I try to say it, but," Again with a tender grin, he tried, "The world starts to make sense when he explains it. I'm always learning with him, even when he's not trying to teach me."

Axel stared at him for a long time, then murmured, "You've got it bad, Dem."

"Heh, yeah, I know," Demyx rubbed the back of his neck again, "It's insane some days."

With a fond smile, Axel asked, "So have you told him you love him yet? Or is he clueless?"

"He knows," The other replied as he stabbed his unidentifiable food again.

This drew Axel's attention, and he wondered, "What's with the food violence?"

"Because I know what the next question is, and I know how you're gonna react, and frankly," He smirk teasingly, "It's just too complicated for you to understand."

Axel thought about not asking, just to prove Demyx wrong, then changed his mind; "So has he told you--?"

"He hasn't said it," Demyx answered, adding quickly, "And that's how I know he does." When he didn't receive a response, Demyx glanced at Axel; who gave a prompting look for him to explain. "There's a difference between saying what's true and saying what's right. Zexion tries not to say something just because it's the right thing to say. He'll only say something when he is sure, beyond a doubt, that it is the truth. So when it comes to things and people he cares about, he can stumbled over what he wants to say."

Once he was sure he understood what Demyx was saying, Axel mused, "Seems like if he loved you, he'd be sure about it."

"True, I won't argue that," Demyx conceded. "But when he cares about someone, he doesn't want to say something and later find out it's not true and regret saying it, so it's... like he hasn't said it because he thinks that then he'd only said it because I wanted him to say it. Because it was the right thing to say."

He was started to get lost with this train of thought. "But... you want him to tell you, don't you?"

"Nope," Demyx smiled softly, "I want him to want to say it. Because it's the truth. Not because he's expected to."

With a sigh, Axel relented, "You're right. I don't understand."

"You don't need to," Demyx agreed with a smile. "I-- I know he loves me. And he knows I love him. That's enough for me."

_Good._ He couldn't remember the last time Demyx was happy like this. Sure, he had that happy-go-luck-ness to him all the time. He explained it once that he was happy simply because there wasn't a reason to be sad. But it was clear that his happiness was a bit more bright when he had a reason to be happy.

"So when do I get to meet him?" Axel asked lightly, in a way that let Demyx know that he didn't have to if the blonde didn't want to.

Demyx glanced at his watch, took another bite from his plate, and answered, "I can see what he's doing tomorrow, unless you have plans."

"I'm free," Axel agreed easily.

Which drew Demyx's attention. He ventured, "What's up with you and Roxas?"

"Roxas is..." He pressed his lips together thoughtfully for a moment, then replied, "He started to feel suffocated, I think. He needed some time to think without me distracting him. So that's what we're doing for now. I'm just gonna wait and see what he decides, and go from there... For some reason, I think the next time I see him, he'll have made up his mind."

_I hope so,_ thought the other gently, before he asked, "Are you gonna be okay if...?"

Axel gave him a soft smile. "If he says no? Yeah, I... It might take me a minute, but I'll be alright. It's just this waiting around--"

He jumped, looking again at his phone, which had lit up in his hand. Bemused, he flipped it open, eyes bouncing back and forth over the screen. Then he breathed, almost in relief.

"From Roxas?" Demyx inferred, and when Axel nodded, he continued, "And? What's the damage?"

This time Axel rolled his eyes, answering, "Nothing. He just said '_okay today_'. Like he knew I was worried about him."

"Well, it is you, after all." He gave Demyx a shrewd look, which was countered with, "Oh, come on. You worry about everyone. It doesn't take much to realize that. Especially after the way you've been following him around like a little lost dog since you ran into him and fell into his bed. Just sit there and be glad it matters to him."

Since he really couldn't argue with that logic, Axel decided to take the advice. He _was_ glad Roxas sent him the message, simple as it was. He'd been checking all day (as he knew Demyx had noticed) for some kind of communication. He didn't expect anything, but he hoped Roxas would give him something; just a soft 'still here' in the dark to know he wasn't alone.

Demyx saw him smiling once more, and murmured, "Have you been taking your meds?"

Axel stared at him for a moment before asking, "Where'd that come from?"

"Just thought I'd ask. You stayed at Roxas's place, then my place, and his place again," Demyx counted off gently, "So that's at least three nights you didn't take them on time, if you took them at all."

Once again, there was no argument for that. Axel replied, "I didn't take them the first time I stayed with him. I took them Friday when I got home, and started taking them in the morning to keep the doses spaced out right. I'll probably end up taking them at night again, it'd be stupid to think I won't miss another dose."

Demyx watched him, going through this chain of thought, thinking himself that something sounded not-quite right about it. But he had to trust Axel, because Axel was all grown up and completely capable of making his own decisions. Knowing this was the reason Axel still came to Demyx for everything; because everyone else acted like his mother, in various degrees. Telling him he needed to get help, to take his meds and this-that-and-the-other. To stay close to him, Demyx had to keep his worry under control.

But he was still worried.

* * *

't_hanks. same here.'_

Roxas stared at his phone after the answer came through. He'd debated with himself over whether or not to send his message in the first place, considering he was the one that asked for time apart and it would make him the one who kept contact anyway. Somehow, though, he was sure that Axel would be wondering if he was okay. He talked himself out of saying anything several times before he realized he'd typed the message (again) and, this time, sent it.

Then he spent some time thinking the other was going to use this opportunity to start a conversation. And how that defeated the entire purpose of Roxas decidedly not talking to Axel dammit, and how he'd have to explain to Axel that he wasn't ready to talk about anything yet and he really just meant--

Axel's response had stopped that particular downward spiral, and Roxas breathed a sigh of relief. _Alright, let's keep this simple. _He could handle just this, right?

* * *

The next day, Axel met Zexion. He was short (maybe a little shorter than Roxas), with dark blueish-grey hair that covered almost half of his face. He held a carefully constructed expression of polite interest and complete boredom, which the redhead had to admit was impressive. But Axel had understood part of what Demyx had said, about Zexion being quiet, so he didn't hold it against him.

Demyx was reasonably proud of both of them. Zexion wasn't exactly a social creature, but he answered all of Axel's questions; and the questions Axel asked were simple, easy, and for the most part he behaved and didn't ask anything too personal. Which Demyx greatly appreciated, and in this way he felt comfortable enough to leave them alone for a moment while he went to find food.

Because all three of them had high-metabolisms and needed food pretty often.

Axel watched Demyx leave, then turned back to Zexion and mused, "You must hate meeting new people." When Zexion just stared at him, confused, he explained, "You actually have to converse, whereas with people you've already met, they know you enough to not try to ask a lot of questions."

"I supposed that's right," Zexion agreed softly, "I don't exactly enjoy talking about myself. But this isn't about me. You're Demyx's best friend. and he wanted me to meet you. You're important to him, and Demyx is... he's important to me, and I want him to be happy, so I can handle being out of my element."

_So that's what he meant,_ Axel thought in realization,_ when Demyx talked about him stumbling over people he cares about_. It was easy to see that Zexion was uncomfortable with actually saying what Demyx meant to him, but it was also obvious what Demyx meant to him. Axel nodded, approving of this quiet, less-than inviting person Demyx had decided to share his life with.

* * *

Axel woke up, staring at his ceiling, wondering how on Earth he got there.

Where was he the night before... _What __was__ last night?_

He rolled over and saw a not attached to a bottle of water; he downed the drink before opening the paper.

_I got a call about two in the morning from a buddy of mine who works in a club across town telling me you were drunk off your ass and needed a ride home. I don't know why you were drinking, especially why you were drinking somewhere I wasn't working, but I couldn't get a straight answer out of you last night. I hope you have a massive hangover. You better be ready to explain yourself later when I call you. If you can't, I'll kill you myself. I love you, Lame-Ass. _

_--Demyx_

After staring at it for a long time, Axel decided to stand up and undestroy his mind. He stumbled into the kitchen, knowing better than to turn on lights, and sat on the floor next to his fridge. Now he knew why he kept bottled water in the bottom of the door; pull one out, drink, set aside empty bottle; pull out one, drink, set aside empty bottle. Pause. Think.

Why was he drinking last night? It was Friday, so he'd been to work... Did he get in trouble? No, that wasn't it. He wasn't drinking because he was sad, he refused to consider that. He'd come a long ways since the last time he'd had a pity-party with alcohol. So it was something good.

Oh, that's right. It was--

A knock at the door. _Great. Demyx has come to kill me._

Shakily he stood, walked to his door. It never occurred to him that Demyx had a key, so he wouldn't have knocked, so it wasn't him.

None of this came to mind until he opened the door and it was a much smaller blonde staring at him.

"Roxas..."

He nodded, answered, "Um... Demyx has your phone. He said you were drinking last night and you got pretty wasted, so I came to check on you."

Which wasn't inaccurate. Roxas had sent his traditional _everything's okay _message (he sent one, not every day, but almost), and Demyx had called in response. What Roxas didn't say was that Demyx was pissed at him, because Axel had been babbling in an upbeat incoherent way when he found him, but somewhere between where he found him and Axel's apartment the redhead had turned dark and mused about how he didn't want to go home to an empty apartment without Roxas.

"_You better figure your shit out,"_ Demyx had said, _"I don't know what he means to you, but he means a lot to me. Either move in with him, or stop leading him on!"_

* * *

Well, that's the end of that ramble. I kinda want to apologize, because it seems like this chapter and the last one were all over the place, but then... I think I meant for them to be? Like with Demyx's description of Zexion; it doesn't make sense when I try to get him to explain it, but when Zexion speaks, it makes a little more sense, which is kind of how people work. I still feel like Axel and Demyx are a bit inconsistent, but then, most of the people I know are, and they're pretty awesome, so yeah.

If you guys are confused, though, just let me know. I think we're mostly done with the filler-y-stuff, so things will begin to move along here. I miss your reviews :(


	8. Resolutions

**Warnings:** No need for warnings here. It's a fairly decent chapter :)

Half-dressed in flannel pajamas and shirtless, as if he just woke up. Red eyes, pale skin, shaking just a little. Staring at Roxas like he couldn't believe he was there... Axel looked like a train wreck. Which was probably the hangover, Roxas amended to himself. Though he still looked like he hadn't slept well before that.

Then he took a few steps back and lowered himself to sit on the floor; he glanced up at Roxas and excused himself with a slight grin, "Felt like I might pass out for a moment there."

"Have you been drinking water?" Roxas asked, stepping in and closing the door behind him.

Rubbing his eyes, Axel replied, "Yeah, it's my head, it feels... I dunno, tingly."

Roxas gave him a strange look out of the corner of his eye, though it was lost on Axel, before murmuring, "Here," and, pulling over a chair, "Sit down. You're probably overheating."

"Makes me sound like a car," The redhead muttered as he carefully pulled himself into the seat. "So what's this for?"

"Because I'm not sitting on the floor with you," Roxas answered, moving to stand between Axel's legs.

Without another word his hands were gently rubbing Axel's head, at the base of his skull, in small circles. Axel, confused as he was, didn't risk asking questions, just tilted his head against Roxas's abdomen and resting his hands on the slim hips in front of him. Roxas forced himself to remain steady as he continued his task, explaining as he did.

"You said your head felt tingly, which is a sign you're overheating," Here he began pulling tenderly on individual spikes, "This should help."

It did; Axel let himself stop thinking as Roxas worked. It was as if he was pushing and pulling the ache out of his brain and evaporated them away. He loved when Roxas did this; there was something innately comforting in his actions, bringing memories of warmed faces and short breaths. But this time, it was innocent. He listened to Roxas breathing faintly, felt him moving just slightly back and forth.

It'd been over a week since he'd seen Roxas. Except for the now-and-again text message he hadn't heard anything from him.

Axel finally let himself admit that he'd missed Roxas. A lot.

"Why were you drinking?" Roxas asked quietly after some time.

Chuckling softly, Axel replied, "One of the guys at work got engaged. Everyone ended up drinking. And it's funny, because I didn't actually have that much. It was this one drink, it tasted like strawberry milk, which was weird and I should've known right then that it was bad. But I drank one, and it didn't seem to do anything-- so I had another. And another. And then it hit me. Hard."

"So after that, you--?" Prompted the other.

He thought for a moment, then replied, "I'm not sure... I might have drank a few more. Apparently someone there knew Demyx well enough to know me, so Demyx ended up getting me at two in the morning and now he's pissed at me, which he should be. But other than that, I don't remember anything."

"Welcome to my world," Roxas murmured wryly, adding more seriously, "How long have you been up?"

"Not long," Axel answered, "About twenty minutes, maybe. Woke up and found a bottle of water waiting for me from Demyx with a threatening letter, crawled to the kitchen and drank two or three more."

Roxas had started to focus on the top of Axel's head, pulling him upright. Axel's expression (which resembled a zombie) made him smile. "You look half-dead, you know."

"Yeah, well," With a half amused sigh, he closed his eyes and returned, "I feel like it."

Hands worked back down to his neck in a deliciously distracting way. Again he leaned his head forward, and he was surprised when Roxas's hands stilled and he rested his head on Axel's.

"Axel," He asked softly, his voice almost and suddenly small, "If I don't move in with you, will you wait for me?"

The question caught Axel off guard; he didn't want to answer, but he knew he had to. "If you don't-- Roxas, don't worry about me. I don't want you to move in unless it's what you want to do. No, I wouldn't bounce back right away. But I won't waste away pining over you."

"...Right," Roxas exhaled, almost in relief, "Okay."

It made Axel glad that, almost for the first time since he'd suggested it, they were actually talking about Roxas living with him. He felt himself shaking again, and scolded himself for it, but couldn't stop.

"You should lie down," Roxas suggested, stepping back, reaching for Axel's hands and preparing to help him up.

Axel didn't want to move, and really didn't want Roxas any farther away from him. But he stood, slowly, wavering slightly as he did.

"Can you make it to your bed?"

He thought about this. _Bed. Hallway, door, room..._ Axel shook his head, "I doubt it."

"Couch, then." He thought how strange it was for Roxas to be taking care of him as he was led to his living room.

Though he had to admit, he liked it. Roxas all but shoved him onto the couch, swept the red spikes out of his face, then sat on the floor beside him.

Axel stared at him for a long time, reached out and brushed his cheek with a soft smile. "You look thoughtful."

"Yeah, I was thinking." Roxas rested his head against the cushions, looking around the room before asking, "If I moved in, how much stuff could I bring?"

"There's room for whatever you want," Axel answered, following Roxas's gaze. "A lot of what I brought was just my mom's way of getting rid of her junk. I can push most of it off on Reno and the rest can go into storage. Or back to my mom's, if I'm brave. What would you bring?"

Roxas smiled, softly, tired. "I dunno... Mostly just small stuff, you know? Some pictures, my pillow... A wall clock."

"...Can I ask about the clock?" Axel wondered, adding wryly, "Do I even want to ask about the clock?"

He received in answer a sharp poke to the midsection, and Roxas muttered, "Don't question my clock's motives. It's just a clock, but it's... _my_ clock. It's been around since before I was born, and it's something I can remember for as long. When I was little and my dad would get it down to change the battery, I'd ask him about the scuffs and scrapes. I know that clock's entire life story."

Now Axel smiled and asked, "Alright, bring your clock. Anything else?"

"I can't think of anything off the top of my head," Roxas replied, before asking in kind, "What would you bring, if you were moving in with me?"

Axel sighed and answered, "My coffeepot."

"...Your coffeepot?" Roxas repeated.

With a subdued, hesitant chuckle (his brain was shaking still), Axel answered, "You have no room to talk, you and your clock. That _wonderful_ coffee maker is the best roommate I've had. It's so attuned to my needs that it already has a fresh pot made every morning. I don't know how I would survive without it."

"You seemed alright the nights you stay with me," Roxas presented gently.

He conceded to this, then replied, "But you were there."

Again Roxas glanced at him, almost shrewdly, then he allowed himself a moment of indulgence. "If I can keep you from drinking coffee, maybe I can keep you from getting these hangovers."

"Ugh, I don't usually get hangovers," Axel murmured dryly, adding, "But if I had a reason to stay home, I'd probably drink less. Maybe I need a hobby."

He looked back at Roxas; found him smiling; and it instantly made the headache more bearable; made the spinning and throbbing so very, very worth it.

Before he could stop himself, he continued, "I think I lied earlier."

"When?" Roxas asked, in that not-quite worried way that calmed Axel a bit.

Calmed him enough, anyway, to explain, "When you asked if I would wait for you." Roxas stiffened a little, and Axel finished, "I don't know if it's the same. I wouldn't wait around for you. And yeah, I'd need a little time to mope in my misery before going on with my life. I'd function just fine, don't worry about that, but... I think it'd take a lot longer for me to stop hoping you'd change your mind."

"Axel," Came the response, as if to chide him; then, instead, Roxas relented, "I'm not unreasonable either. Well, not always."

His voice had gone from scolding to permitting to humoring. It was an interesting roll of emotions, and Axel worried in his half-conscious way if this happened often. _Which_, he amended, _I already know does happen, like when he went from laughing at my drawings to questioning my medication._ He decided it wasn't something exactly bad, since Roxas was still there. And that was something, wasn't it?

Even with the sticks and drags, no matter how annoyed Roxas was with him, he was still sitting with Axel in the semi-dark closed-off apartment in the early hours of a Saturday-- _Wait... Saturday... _

"What time is it?" He wondered, leaning up as if to look around.

Roxas replied lightly, looking toward him, "About two-thirty, why?"

"Shouldn't you be at work?" Axel continued with a concerned glance.

_Yes._ Roxas put a hand on his chest and pushed him back down. "Don't worry about it. Stay down before you puke."

"M'not gonna puke." He leaned back against the furniture just the same, rubbing his eyes as he added, "How'd you get off?"

With a quiet, contrite voice, Roxas sat on the edge of the couch and replied, "I told Saix.''

His hand was still on Axel's bare chest. Which sidetracked the redhead until the statement sank in. "...You what?"

Something about Roxas explaining this whole situation to Saix just didn't sit right with him. No, he didn't have any kind of bad feelings toward Saix. He'd buried that. He couldn't necessarily say the same about Saix, though, and if he already didn't like Roxas, there was no telling what he might do. But Roxas couldn't be serious. He wasn't serious.

In response, a quiet chuckle (_he's not serious?_), and, "I didn't, relax. We all got off early today, the guys we get shingles from couldn't get them there for some reason."

"Oh." Axel let his heart fall back to his normal rhythm. _He's not serious._

Sudden distract found itself in Roxas standing, his hand lifting, his fingertips brushing easily away, leaving a cool trail in their stead. He turned toward the kitchen with a polite "Stay," returning a few minutes later with a bottle of water. He say again beside Axel, handing him the drink and adding, "Drink it. All of it."

Taking a drink before he responded, Axel mused, "Didn't think you'd be one to take care of people, Rox."

"Well," Roxas remarked wryly as he made sure his companion finished the water, "I'm not the one to have people to take care of, am I?"

Axel considered this, toying with the empty bottle, and replied, "I guess not. Sorry to be a burden--"

"You're not a burden."

This came as a quick, kind rebuttal, which was strangely reassuring. Axel smiled, keeping his eyes away from Roxas. "So what am I?"

"A mess," Roxas replied almost teasingly. "You should get some sleep."

The younger pushed him down again, and rolled his eyes when he asked, "Tell me a story, Rox?"

_I don't know why I'm surprised._ Axel was already mostly asleep, green eyes glittering in a playful way, half-smile radiating contentment. He still looked like a wreck, Roxas decided, but he looked rather pleased with the fact, as if he was glad of the final result; he on the couch, Roxas sitting over him, tending his hurts.

"What kind of story?" Even though he really shouldn't stay.

Tucking an arm behind his head, Axel answered, "Your kind. Tell me a story you'd want to hear."

Roxas thought for a moment.

Knowing he should leave and let Axel recover.

Knowing he didn't want to leave him to his own devices.

Knowing staying was just a bad idea.

Knowing staying was the best idea he'd had in a long time.

"When I was young," Roxas began softly, "I had a dream where I seeped into the ground, falling through dark waters until I landed on a pillar of stained glass."

* * *

Demyx stared at Axel's phone for a long time, still trying to figure out why he was so pissed at Roxas. He wasn't inherently bad, Demyx knew. He understood, to a degree, why Roxas was having a hard time either accepting or refusing Axel's invitation. Sharing a space with someone is always scary, let alone someone you don't really know and didn't initially want to know.

But dammit, wasn't it obvious? He could see that Roxas wanted to be with Axel, without even seeing him. If Axel had some fatal claw about him, wouldn't Roxas have found it by now and decided it was too much to overcome? If he didn't want to be with Axel, wouldn't he know by now?

The phone rang; Roxas's name flashed on the screen. "Hello?"

"_I've made my decision._"

_Finally._ Demyx swallowed and prompted, "And...?"

"_Axel's asleep,_" Roxas continued quietly, as if not to wake him, "_I'm going to tell him when he wakes up._"

With a sigh of relief Demyx agreed, "Good." He didn't ask which choice had been made. If Roxas wasn't going to volunteer it, then it most likely wasn't any of his business. He'd just hear it from Axel later.

"_Can I ask you something?_" Roxas asked, almost hesitantly, "_About Axel?_"

He had almost expected this, and answered readily, if brazenly, "If you think it will help."

"_What does he mean to you?_" Still hesitating, but in a way that sounded forced. Sounded like he needed to know.

Demyx was quite familiar with such feelings. A bit kinder, but without losing intensity, "Axel's been there for me when no one else was. He's protected me, no matter what hell I'd gotten myself into. No matter what hell he was in. Because he always made sure that, when I needed him, I could go to him. He was all I had for a long time."

"And I didn't--" he paused, trying to decide whether or not he should-- _He needs to know_-- "I never realized what kind of pain he was in, not until it was almost too late. He'd kept himself in such a way around me that I never knew he needed me, too. So now I have to protect him as much as I can. And I'll do whatever I have to, as long as he's safe."

Roxas was silent for a moment before asking, "_What aren't you telling me?_"

"That's a conversation for another day," Demyx decided, adding, "What you need to know is, whatever you've decided, you need to stick with it."

"_Alright._" He sounded more resolved now, which comforted the elder a bit. "_Thanks._"

Conceding, having said his piece, "You too."

"_For what?_"

Demyx smirked a little, "For listening."

"_...I'm gonna go._" He swore he heard Axel's voice before he flipped the phone shut.

Stared at the screen until the light clicked off. _Good luck, kid. Gods help you if you hurt him._

"Hey."

With a quiet smile, he turned and murmured, "When'd you get home?"

"About five minutes ago," Zexion replied, leaning against the arm of the recliner Demyx had been residing in. "What's going on?"

Of course, between one thing and another, Demyx had told Zexion something of what had happened. Not everything, because Axel didn't know Zexion and it wasn't one of Demyx's habits to tell people someone else's life story (though it happened). But when it started to distract Demyx enough to worry Zexion, a slight explanation was the least he could do.

He reached over and pulled Zexion down into his lap, holding him tightly to his chest. The smaller didn't resist or object, knowing that sometimes Demyx just need someone to hold when he was worried. It had been a while, granted; and it wasn't unpleasant to be held close by any means, not to Zexion.

"I'm just scared, I guess," Demyx finally replied. "This Roxas kid said he decided whether he's going to stay with Axel or not."

Zexion kissed the underside of his jaw, then rested his head on the tired shoulder. "He'll be okay, Demyx."

"Yeah, I know..." He sounded decidedly unconvinced, and he knew Zexion was thinking it, so he elaborated, "But what if he isn't?"

Feeling Zexion's heart beat against his was comforting; steady touch on his neck, thoughtful silence. All part of this little ritual they had.

After a moment and deep breath, Zexion replied, "You'll do what you've always done. You'll be here for Axel, to let him hurt for a while, then pick him up, brush him off, and send him back out into the world. He might not be okay at first, but he will be. That's-- _you_, Demyx. With you looking after him, there's no way for him to crash completely."

The blonde smiled, pulling him closer. Was it wrong of him, to depend on Zexion for praise and strength? _Probably, _he decided, but he didn't worry about it for long.

"See, this is why I love you," He pressed a kiss to Zexion's forehead.

Rolling his eyes, Zexion almost teasingly (in that not-at-all-teasing way of his) replied, "And the sex has nothing to do with it?"

"Nope!" Demyx turned his lover's face, hand lingering on his chin as he sealed their lips with another smile. "Absolutely nothing!"

Zexion sigh, a long, patient breath. "You're such a dork."

* * *

Axel walked into his kitchen; he couldn't be crazy enough to imagine hearing Roxas's voice. Well, he might be, admittedly, he did have a few quirks, but he didn't think he was that crazy. When he found Roxas sitting on the floor, just about to close his phone, he felt a little better about his sanity.

"Having fun?" He asked lightly, sitting against the cabinets opposite Roxas.

Blue eyes flashed to his, and with a subdued half-smile, he answered, "That's one way to put it."

"...Oh?" Axel tilted his head to one side, continuing, "What's another way to put it?"

"Thinking again," Roxas explained.

Axel forced himself to relax, to not think himself. Instead, he pressed his lips together before he wondered, "Anything new?"

Roxas stared at him, replied softly, "Some of it, yeah."

_He has to be doing this on purpose._ Axel didn't look away, and didn't ask which parts were new. He just waited for Roxas to continue.

"I want my microwave."

For a moment, Axel was completely lost. He stared at Roxas, then glanced up at _his_ microwave, then back. "What?"

"Your microwave is weird," Roxas continued, "So I want mine."

Still lost, Axel repeated, "My microwave... I don't-- What?"

Roxas was just watching him, rolling these thoughts over in his mind; he seemed almost apprehensive, but at the same time very calm and decided.

"Are you sure?" Axel asked, finally realizing what Roxas meant. "I mean, don't get me wrong--"

Standing, Roxas moved directly in front of him and returned to the floor before answering, "Honestly, no. I'm not sure. But I've tried to figure out what's holding me back. I've put aside my amnesia, I tried not to take into account that I've known you for less than a month."

"Not that you're keeping track," Axel murmured sarcastically, reaching for Roxas's hands tentatively.

Small fingers wrapped around his, and Roxas let himself smile. "I do keep track. It's like... it's a way for me to know how long I haven't forgotten you." He paused for a second, then looked up at Axel and finished, "I keep thinking about the things you say, and how you are, and it made me realize I don't have any real reason to distrust you. And... I want to try."

Axel felt his pulse racing, just a little, his eyes feeling far wider than they should. Like he was trying to wake up, only to find he was still awake.

"You okay, Axel?" Roxas asked, leaning a bit closer and tilting his head.

He could only nod, smiling a little in response. Take a deep breath, squeeze Roxas's hands, and nod again. "Yeah, I'm... Yeah."

"Is that you or the hangover talking?" The blonde continued, a playful light in his eyes.

With a breathless chuckle, Axel replied, "I think it's gone, most of the way. You..."

Roxas couldn't help but laugh. _Speechless._ Axel was, for the first time Roxas had ever known, unable to put into words what he was feeling. When he saw his bewildered face, he laughed even harder.

Abruptly, Axel pulled him forward and against his chest, kissing wherever his lips brushed skin, until they found Roxas's mouth and there they paused, delivering slow, tender caresses.

They stayed like that for a while. Just sitting on the kitchen floor, Roxas's hands against the back of his neck, Axel's arms wrapped around Roxas's waist and staring straight into the blue eyes, falling further and further into them. Roxas would stop his fall, now and again, by leaning forward and kissing him, ensnaring him briefly before Axel again sought his eyes. _Gods, those eyes..._

Finally, after what seemed like forever and only a few minutes, Roxas mentioned something about getting a head start packing stuff up. After agree this was a great idea and tangling their tongues as a reward and continued distraction, Axel stood and moved towards the main part of the apartment.

"So, clock, microwave... Anything else?" He asked, looking around with a chipper tone.

Roxas rolled his eyes (_those eyes!_), and replied, "What would you suggest?"

"Hm," Axel considered this for a moment before answering, "How attached are you to your bed?"

This hadn't occurred to the blonde, and he paused before going to Axel's bedroom. Axel followed diligently with an amused smirk on his face. He watched Roxas stand over the mattress, pressing down at various points, with a focused look and thoughtful stare.

Axel asked sardonically, "Would that be a 'very attached' or a 'moderately'--?"

"It depends on your bed whether I'm attached to mine," Roxas responded, with a short sigh. "I just realized I've never been in your bed, so I don't know which I prefer."

_Sounds like an invitation._ Or rather, a request for an invitation, since it was his bed. Though he did like the things that happened in Roxas's bed, all things considered. Good memories. But he wanted Roxas in his bed. With that idea in his mind, there wasn't room for much else. He had to act on it.

He pulled Roxas away from the bed, against his chest, the way he'd done so many times; lifted him from the ground, stepped to the bed; then carefully laid him down, leaning over him, all without breaking eye contact. Axel sealed their lips, almost chastely, pinning Roxas to the bed with his weight. Roxas let his eyes drift closed, inhaling deeply as he relaxed completely into the material.

"What do you think?" Axel murmured softly.

Roxas stared up at him, bringing his hands to the sides of Axel's face to hold the red locks clear. "What do you think?"

"I like having you in my bed," The redhead replied bluntly, adding, "But I'm comfortable in yours as well. If you'd rather yours, I wouldn't complain."

"Of course not," Roxas retorted teasingly, smiling softly. "Well, it may be my bed, but I like being in yours."

Axel kissed him again, though this time a bit less innocently. Roxas entertained the idea for a moment before tenderly shoving him off to the side, and climbing out of the bed himself.

"None of that."

* * *

_zrrrrrrmmm. zrrrrrrmmm. zrrrrrrmmm._

It was four-thirty in the morning. And his phone was going off.

Demyx rolled over, staring skeptically at his night stand. Yes, that was his phone, illuminated and vibrating. At four-thirty in the morning.

"Hello?" He asked blearily.

"_Demyx._"

Throwing himself down on the bed, he asked, "Axel...?"

"_Yes._"

His voice was far too clear for this hour. "It's four in the morning, You Fucking Prick, what the hell?"

"_I love you._" The line dropped.

Demyx pulled the phone away from his face, glaring at the blinding screen. Yes, it was Axel's number. His thumb hovered over the call button, considering a return call.

Then another hand, much smaller than his own, reached over, flipped the phone shut, and introduced it to one of the walls across the room.

"...That was my phone," Demyx presented in a scolding voice.

Zexion sat up, put one hand on each shoulder, and gave Demyx a rather impressive death stare. "Then from now on, turn the damn thing off."

When he was released, Demyx remarked, "I'm sorry, Zexy."

"If you don't want me to sleep on the couch," The other replied darkly, "I suggest you remain quiet."

Silence met him, and Zexion relaxed against Demyx's side.

Then, very quietly, "I love you."

"I know." With a patient sigh and a quick kiss, Zexion repeated, "I know."


	9. Connections

First of all, I AM SORRY! I have several reason this has taken like four months to get up, but none of them make any difference. I'm sorry. This chapter is a little shorter than I'd like it to be, but now I can get back on a schedule. School's starting up in two weeks or so, and with the schedule of school comes order in the rest of my life (which sucks), so we should be back on track now. Hope you guys had a great summer, I know mine could've been better. Anyway, enjoy!

**Warnings:** The title should begin to make sense...

* * *

"What's in this box?"

Axel leaned out of his closet, glancing to where Roxas sat on the floor near his bed. "What box?"

"This one," Roxas pulled an old shoe box out from under the bed.

Walking over to him, Axel replied, "I dunno. Open it up."

As he sat on the mattress in front of Roxas, Axel couldn't help but smile. Roxas was in his room, poking around in his stuff. Making room for the blonde to move in.

He flipped the lid off the box, revealing a small cache of cassette tapes.

"Oh, damn," Axel laughed, almost sheepishly, "I thought Demyx had these."

Roxas pulled out two or three, turning them over and wondering, "What are they?"

"Cassette tapes," The other replied, teasing heavily lacing his voice.

With a slight glare, Roxas retorted, "I can see that. But what are they?"

"I told you I was in a garage band, right?" Axel murmured, reaching for one. When Roxas nodded, he continued, "After we decided we had to stop, we got together to put everything down on tape. There's songs from everyone; we each wrote three or four new ones, then all the ones we'd written over the years. Basically, our first two years of high school lives in this box."

He held one up, adding, "This one has my songs on it."

"What does it say?" Roxas asked, pulling it from Axel's thin fingers. "On the label... _Sincerely, The Cassette Tape_. What does that mean?"

Axel smiled, a softly, almost tender gesture. "Just... my way of saying goodbye."

Roxas considered this for a moment, then asked, "Can I listen to it?"

"Um..." Axel rubbed the back of his neck, nervously, adding, "Really?"

Glancing up at him, Roxas shrugged and answered flippantly, "Yeah. Why not?"

_How am I supposed to argue with that logic,_ Axel thought before replying, "It's not anything worth-"

"If you've held onto them for this long," Roxas contradicted, "They have to be worth something."

Axel stared at him, trying to decide if he was serious. "Okay, they're important to me. Why do you want to hear them?"

"Well," Roxas answered, "If they were my tapes, you'd want to listen to them, wouldn't you?"

Green eyes locked on his calculatingly for a moment, then he smiled and shook his head. "Can't believe this... I don't even think I have anything to play-"

Without further preamble, Roxas returned to under the bed, rummaging around before surfacing with a look of triumph.

Holding out an ancient looking answering machine.

"...And I bet that's the perfect size for the tapes," Axel muttered wryly, reaching for it.

Roxas shrugged, adding, "Don't act so offended. It's your own fault for keeping this machine around."

"Yeah, yeah, just give me the damn thing."

The machine was plugged in, functioned; the tape clicked perfectly into place, and Axel pulled Roxas back against his chest, holding him there tightly.

After a moment, the music started. It was slow, almost thick sounding. Quiet, pulsing bass; a careful _tick-tick-tick_ of the drums.

A breathy voice murmured, "_It's a cold connection, isn't it?_"

_That's Axel, _Roxas realized with a start, but the higher, contemplative tones of the guitar had started, and he listened to Axel continue, quietly,

"_Rubbing the sleep outta my eyes  
'cause the moon's shining bright;  
can't believe it took this long to realize  
that nothing's all right."_

A voice echoed Axel mournfully as he murmured again,_"It's a cold connection- cold connection..."_

_"I see the faces, the blessed and damned  
but they're all the same;  
I guess I just had to understand  
that I am insane."_

Together with a new whispering voice, Axel and the first reiterated, _"It's a cold connection- a cold connection..."_

_"As I walk the streets of pain,  
along the road that never ends,  
I laugh at the muddy stains  
and the truth begins to transcend.  
Things are not well in my life,  
people tell me time and time again,  
You won't find some better place  
'cause all this will come to an end."_

Now alone, Axel sounded thoughtful as he continued, _"It's a cold connection, it's a-_

_"Me and the world have a cold connection  
it doesn't understand its power within  
This place and the person I have become  
are running me thin and rough and tiresome  
and I won't- I can't- find my sigh, my reprieve._

"_As I walk the streets of pain,  
along the road that never ends  
I laugh at the muddy stains  
and the truth begins to transcend._

_"It's a cold connection-  
It's a cold connection, isn't it?"_

"Isn't it?" Axel continued, as the tape whirled, ready to move onto the next song.

Roxas stopped it, gobsmacked as he was, turning to glance up at Axel. "You wrote that?"

"Had a lot of time on my hands, I guess," Was the redhead's excuse.

Turning his whole body, moving to straddle Axel's hips, demanding lightly, "When did you write this?"

"Spring of... Sophomore year?" He rolled his eyes and offered, "When I was fifteen. That's my best answer."

"Who else was singing with you?" Roxas asked, eyes bright and intrigued. "Who played the instruments?"

Axel laughed, sheepishly, answering, "The first to join in was Demyx. The second was Reno. Demyx was on bass, Reno lead guitar, and his buddy Rude played drums. Usually."

"It doesn't even sound like you!" The younger admonished, adding, "Or Demyx!"

With a small grin, Axel reached out and fussed with the blonde spikes as he returned, "Well remember, we were in the middle of high school. We've all changed a lot since then."

"Yeah..." Roxas considered this, and, with a shrug, admitted, "I've changed too, I guess. I can't deny that."

There was a warm light to his eyes, but still Roxas seemed almost regretful. Axel kissed him, gently, trying to keep him from thinking. He worried that he'd never understand what had happened to Roxas in his past that made him so repentant. _For now,_ he decided, _I just have to try to be here for him. _

Roxas leaned around Axel's torso, pulling the box holding the other cassettes into their lap. "You should put these on a CD in case something happens to the tapes."

"I wouldn't have the faintest idea how to do that," Axel chuckled, resting their heads together to stare into the box. "I'm about as technological as a rock."

Blue eyes rolled tenderly, "I hardly believe that. But I'll take care of it."

"The great and mighty Roxas will take care of my music?" Teasing, warm and light. With a small grin, Axel continued, "I'm honored."

"As well you should be," Teased the other right back, standing carefully. "Let's take a break. You should eat."

Following him, Axel wondered, "I should eat? Like, just me, or both of us and just _especially_ me?"

Roxas turned his head from the doorway; he flashed a smoldering look, one filled with something like suppressed want and passion. _Is that all love is?_ Wanting and needing and not having until it drives you to the edge of your sanity and the person who causes that pain is the only one who can save you?

But then the look was gone, and Roxas just turned and continued into the next room.

And for a moment, Axel couldn't move. His legs shook, thinking of that stare. _Gods, _when had he become so weak? When did he lose all control of himself, lose control of everything? What was he supposed to do with himself now? But he shook his head as clear as he could (_you're just being an idiot_), and started after Roxas.

He made it just to the door when he bumped into the blonde, who seemed mildly caught of guard and balance.

Axel scooped him up quickly, pressing his back against a wall and supporting the small body with his arms before Roxas could put up a fight.

"What are you doing?"

Axel shrugged, loving how Roxas had wrapped his legs around his hips instantly. "I dunno. What are you doing?"

"I forgot to answer your question," Roxas answered, adding, "We're both eating, but especially you."

Grinning, Axel murmured, "Sounds good... I just realized something."

"...That sounds like a trap," Roxas said suspiciously, "And I don't want to ask, but what did you realized?"

He received no answer at first; Axel leaned close, breathing against Roxas's ear and throat, pressing his lips along the jugular and collarbone.

Then, he replied, "The bruise is fading... I should stop that."

"Wha-"

Suddenly, Axel's teeth bit down viciously on the marred skin, squeezing almost tenderly as Roxas strangled the startled groan that threatened to tear itself from his lips. Roxas's hands were twisting tightly into the material of Axel's shirt, his back arching against the hot chest, begging for release. His breath came in short, half-choked gasps, trembling, until Axel finally relinquished his hold, though kept Roxas's back against the wall. Roxas, against his own will, tensed and tightened until he couldn't let himself down and clung to Axel.

"Did I break you?" The redhead asked, almost teasingly, but with slight concern as well.

In response, Roxas growled, head on Axel's shoulder, "If you put me down, I won't be able to get up."

Axel chuckled warmly. "I guess I shouldn't jump you like that."

"No, you shouldn't, you jerk!" Roxas tightened his grip, shaking and turning just a little bit red.

Sheepishly, Axel murmured, "I couldn't resist. Your big-blue-eyes just sucked me in."

"Don't make this my fault," Chided the blonde, not unkindly, "Now take me to the couch before I stab you."

With a gentle kiss to Roxas's cheek, Axel pulled him close and walked to the living room, sitting with Roxas in his lap.

"Better?"

Roxas had stopped shaking for the most part, though his spine was still curled and didn't seem to want to relax.

_Damn him._ But he pressed his lips to the side of Axel's neck and replied, "I'm getting there."

"Is this how you usually react to being bitten?" Asked he with another kiss.

Glaring at Axel (though he knew it didn't make a difference), Roxas replied, "Depends on the situation, I guess. It's happened before, if that's what you're asking."

"So how long does this paralysis last?" Axel continued.

Roxas took a deep breath and answered, "I have almost no idea."

"Anything I can do to help?" Then, before Roxas could answer, "Besides not do it again? Because I will, you know."

_Of course you will,_ Roxas sighed, responding, "Nothing comes to mind. I just have to sit for a min-"

His voice broke as Axel ran his hands from the base of his back all the way to his shoulders; then, with just his fingertips, Axel started drawings swirls and circles that started at the spine and reached out across his back, pausing when he reached Roxas's hips. For a moment, it almost seemed that he'd made it worse. Then Roxas arched his back, pressing his chest against Axel's for a moment as he stretched, taking a deep breath before chuckling.

"You fixed me." He stayed pressed against the redhead, adding quietly, "You're forgiven."

He wanted to fix him. Axel would've done anything to keep Roxas from losing his memories. If there was something he could do, he would, without a second thought. And he wanted to tell Roxas all this, but he knew the blonde would only scold him. Actually, what he wanted to tell Roxas was _I love you_. But he couldn't do that. It killed him, but he couldn't say it.

Instead, he just smiled softly and replied, "You're welcome."

* * *

Again, really sorry for such a long delay!


	10. Flummoxed

**Warnings**: I apologize if some of the terms I use are unfamiliar to you; I've moved across the country and I've noticed a lot of differences, so I'm sure they're out there. For instance, carbonated beverages where I'm from are called pop. Where I am now, they're soda. I use the term shopping cart and bag; here, it's a basket and sacks. I'll try to be as ambiguous as I can, but I apologize if you should have a hard time understanding. Also, there's a lot of fucking in this chapter. Not the act, but use of the word. Just so you know. There's fucking, too.

* * *

"I might kill him."

Sounding like he was rolling his eyes (he could do that), Axel muttered, "_Demyx, you're not gonna kill him and you know it._"

"No, I don't know that," Demyx contradicted, adding, "I mean, do you have room in your life for more than one blonde? I don't think I can handle being rejected and replaced, Axel, I might kill him."

"_If you kill him, I'll kill Zexion,_" Axel replied without any conviction. "_An eye for an eye._"

Now Demyx rolled his eyes and scolded, "These aren't eyes we're talking about-"

"_And you wouldn't take out an eye, so what makes you think you'd kill him?_"

He was defeated; with a dramatic sigh, Demyx relented, "Fine. I won't kill him. What time?"

"_Just come over like you usually do. But don't break in,_" Axel chuckled.

"Fine."

He clicked his phone shut, let it hit the floor, and rubbed his eyes. _It's gonna be a long day._

"Are you home?" He called out, hoping for an answer.

Which came in the form of, "Been here the whole time."

"Can I have a hug?" Demyx stood, walking back towards the bedroom and his lover.

Zexion met him in the hallway, a confused look on his face (or the equivalent, since he didn't know how to look confused). "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," The other replied as he wrapped his arms around him, "Just wanted a hug."

Returning the embrace without a thought, Zexion asked after a moment, "Axel?"

"...Yeah."

_Why am I not surprised._ "Demyx, what's going on?"

"I... I don't know." Rubbing their heads together, Demyx continued, "I can't figure out why I feel so protective of Axel all the sudden. I want him to be happy, but when he's happy because of Roxas, I get this really bad feeling. I don't want to trust him with Axel. I hate feeling like this."

Zexion took a deep breathing, thinking, _I hate you feeling like this, too._ He pulled Demyx a little closer, and murmured, "You two have always been there for each other. He's protected you, and you've protected him, and you want to keep protecting him."

"And I can't protect him this time," Demyx sounded almost amused, "And I don't want to admit it. That makes sense."

Carefully, Zexion kissed him, adding, "What he's doing now might be a mistake, but you have to let him make his mistakes. Even if he makes the same ones over and over again."

Demyx sighed, but smiled and returned, "I love you."

"I know." He wanted to say it back, but he wouldn't let himself, and could only say, "I know, Demyx."

The blonde sealed their lips, asking lightly, "Were you on your way out?"

"Yeah, I've got work today," Zexion answered.

"Alright then," Demyx turned him around and shuffled him back towards the room, "Sorry I distracted you."

Unable to stop his relocation, all Zexion could do was chide, "As if I care that you distracted me."

"That's irrelevant."

* * *

Axel returned his phone to his back pocket in time to hear Roxas yelling "Your shower's possessed!" from the other end of the apartment.

Dammit. He'd forgotten to address that. With a grin, he called back, "Smack the shower head against the wall a few times!"

Three seconds, two loud _THNK_s later, "Got it!"

"Alright then!" Axel laughed, rolling his eyes.

Finally, after three days, their things were situated. Roxas was moved in.

And Axel was so ridiculously happy that he'd been accused of being drugged while at work.

Though he often reminded himself to be careful. Roxas was still hesitant as far as their relationship- _is it a relationship?_ Somewhere along the line, hadn't Roxas said something about no relationship, and hadn't Axel agreed without even thinking about it (because he didn't want to think about it). It looked like a relationship, Axel reasoned. They were living together, sleeping together, not to mention... well, sleeping together. Wasn't that a relationship? Was it something he should ask Roxas about? Did he want to ask, on the chance that it wasn't a relationship?

_I should call Demyx, _Axel found himself thinking before realizing he needed to stand on his own feet now and again. Which meant asking Roxas. "Fuck."

He rubbed the back of his neck apprehensively, trying to figure out when the best time would be. _Before you lose your nerve._ Which could happen at any moment. _Now?_ When Roxas was in the shower? Not hardly... On the other hand, Roxas in the shower meant he couldn't evade the conversation. _He might kill me, though._ Was that a risk he was willing to take?

"Yeah?" Roxas called through the door when Axel knocked.

"Can we talk?"

Silence, then almost incredulously Roxas asked, "Now?"

"Um..." Contritely, Axel explained, "Yeah, kinda."

He thought he heard Roxas muttering to himself before answering, "Sure, come in."

Once he'd stepped in and closed the door, Axel realized his nerve was already gone; he also knew it was too late, so he leaned against the sink and took a deep breath.

"What's on your mind?" Roxas asked, turning off the water and reaching out for a towel.

Axel replied, "I'm just trying to figure things out, I guess."

"Like?"

It was simple enough, the train of thought, when he was sitting on his couch; it was still simple, only now it went along the lines of '_fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK fuck fuck'_.

Roxas reached out again for his pants, asking again, "What are you stuck on?"

"Just... What is this, Roxas?" Axel finally offered.

Again Roxas was quiet; the redhead couldn't move, hoping that Roxas wouldn't ignore the question. When the curtain slid open and Roxas stepped out, Axel avoided his eyes.

"What do you mean?" He asked, adding, "Exactly?"

_I wish he'd just ignored me,_ Axel sighed before elaborating, "You've said that you don't want a relationship, and I understand that. But this- feels like a relationship."

More silence; it was driving him insane. He glance towards Roxas, who looked very concentrated, as if trying to figure it out himself.

Then he looked at Axel with an almost sheepish look. "Yeah, I guess it does."

Axel heard the edge in his voice. Not really an edge, but a waiting contradiction, a coming _but it isn't_.

"Now that you mention it," Roxas reached out, taking hold of Axel's hand and directing him from the bathroom, "It's... kinda intimidating."

Obediently, Axel followed his blonde, sitting when Roxas pushed him toward the bed. Roxas stood over him, pressed his lips together before running a hand through his hair thoughtfully.

"I just need to know," Axel murmured softly after a moment, drawing Roxas's attention.

Roxas spared him what he thought was a sympathetic smile. And briefly, Axel was distracted by a rivulet of water making its way from his temple to his jaw, then carefully along his throat; over the bruise he'd carefully reformed. But Roxas swallowed, nervously, and again he looked to Roxas's eyes.

"No point in denying the obvious, I guess," Roxas decided finally, adding quietly, "Seems like I might've realized that every reason I had against relationships was out the window as soon as I moved in. If I lose you, whether we're in a relationship or not, it's gonna affect us both. If it looks like we're in a relationship, and it sounds like we're in a relationship, that's what it is. Okay?"

Axel just stared at him, trying to remember how to feel about this. Roxas was his- _no, I belong to Roxas,_ he amended. Which had been true for some time, but it was relieving to hear Roxas himself say it. That made everything seem more real; like he was really there, in Axel's room and his home and wasn't going to leave and never come back.

He was startled when Roxas kissed him quickly, before walking back towards the bathroom. "Forgot my shirt."

"...You look fine without it," Axel answered, once he regained his sense.

Roxas rolled his eyes and agreed, "Sure, but that's not the point. Our fridge is empty, or hadn't you noticed?"

"Well, yeah, but-" He stopped with a blunt realization.

Our fridge.

He replayed Roxas's voice over and over again, with such a simple phrase. _Our fridge._ _In our kitchen in our apartment._ It gave him the chills.

"You okay?" Came the younger's voice as he approached, almost concerned, but mostly curious.

Nodding slowly, Axel replied, "Yeah, I'm alright... So. Grocery shopping?"

After putting him under scrutiny for a moment, Roxas responded, "Yeah, I'm told you're supposed to eat now and again."

"Right. Let's go."

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Axel was prompted to ask, "Rice flour?"

"Yup." Roxas set the bag in the shopping cart, adding, "What about it?"

Scratching the back of his head, Axel replied dubiously, "I dunno. I've never used rice flour."

"How much cooking do you actually do?" Roxas asked as he continued to the spices.

Axel answered, "My food is pretty mundane, I guess. Stuff I grew up with. Meat and potatoes and the like."

"Then you might have some getting used to," Roxas chuckled, turning to give Axel a grin. "When Sora comes home, he always has these crazy recipes, and he can't cook, so I've gotten really good at it."

His grin was infectious, and Axel responded in kind, "I believe it. So where does the rice flour come into play?"

"Pa Jon. It's kinda like pancakes, only with rice flour, veggies, and soy sauce instead of syrup," Roxas explained.

_Sounds questionable,_ Axel thought. And it must have shown on his face, because Roxas rolled his eyes and said, "It's better than it sounds, just trust me on this."

"Fine, I'll trust you," The redhead replied dramatically, draping his arms over the slim shoulders, "But if I die, just know it'll be all your fault."

Roxas chuckled again, rolling his eyes and muttering, "If you die, I'll be sure to bring you back to life so you can tell me all about how I'm to blame. Satisfied?"

"Not hardly," Axel pulled him closer, adding, "How about _you're not gonna die_ or even _I've eaten this before, it's safe_ or something like that?"

Turning in his embrace, Roxas stared up at Axel for a moment before replying, in a very sincere voice, "I've made Pa Jon plenty of times for plenty of people, and no one has died. You'll be fine. I promise."

Which wasn't what Axel expected, to say the least. Suddenly the conversation seemed very serious and equivocal; like they were talking about food and meaning something entirely different. And when he realized that Roxas had promised he'd be fine, had actually _promised_ it, Axel couldn't figure out how he was supposed to be helping Roxas and yet he was the one who kept needing reassurance.

He kissed him; tenderly, lightly; and just didn't care anymore. It didn't matter where they were or who was bothered. It didn't matter what crazy food Roxas wanted him to try. It didn't even matter if something happened to him and he got hurt. He'd be fine. Roxas promised.

"You'll be fine, too," Axel murmured softly, kissing him again, "I promise."

With a quiet sigh, Roxas replied, "You can't-"

"I can. You'll be fine." Finally releasing him, Axel grinned and teased gently, "Just trust me on this."

Roxas watched him, eyebrows low in confusion. _Why does he always do that?_ Take his own words and throw them back in his face. Once he did that, if Roxas tried to say he didn't mean it, everything would seem meaningless and false. Axel said something about spices, and Roxas just shook his head clear and followed.

* * *

Pa Jon was better than it sounded. That, Axel had to admit.

The longer the night went, the better everything sounded. Roxas talked about his family as he cooked, and while they ate, Axel talked about his brother's wedding the summer before, and how he was waiting for either a niece or nephew to be born in the next month or so. Roxas hoped Sora never had children, but knew he'd be a great dad. Axel was afraid of babies, because they break easily.

Once they'd eaten, Roxas watched the news; Axel pulled him into his lap and pretended to do likewise. Roxas criticized the doings of this-politician and that-celebrity, and Axel agreed and contributed enough to show he'd paid attention, which satisfied the blonde (more or less). The hours grew long.

Roxas hadn't slept in Axel's bed yet. In fact, he'd yet to sleep in the apartment. It was thrilling to Axel; he held his breath as Roxas stretched out on the couch after the anchorman said his final goodnight.

With a smile, he chided, "I can't be this tired. I'll wake up at four in the morning if I go to bed now."

"You'll wake up at four in the morning anyway." Axel kissed his neck, adding, "You have every time so far."

This, Roxas had to concede to; he quipped, "Two in the morning, then."

"Can't have that, now can we?" Kissing him again, moving closer and closer to Roxas's lips, "I guess I'll have to keep you up a little bit longer."

He felt Roxas's spine shiver, chuckling as he sought his mouth. Walked towards the bedroom, pulling Roxas along with teasing kisses on his cheek, eyelids, anywhere but where he wanted. Loved the warmth and grace in Roxas's kisses when Axel finally let himself be caught, the way his fingers interlaced with the elder's. Carefully, Roxas peeled Axel's shirt from his skin, taking a moment to run his fingertips along the taut muscles of Axel's chest and abdomen. It seemed to Axel that he'd never done so before; he pulled Roxas into his lap, sitting on the edge of the bed and kissing him hotly.

Roxas straddled his hips, hands still roaming. Finding his ribs, his shoulders. Achingly, _agonizingly_, slowly he would roll his hips forward, dragging soft moans from Axel's mouth. Axel's hands were gripping the mattress, and when he realized this, he entertained the idea of retaliating by flipping them over, pinning Roxas against the bed, and seeing how much he liked it. But Roxas's hands had focused on one spot, just below his navel, and Axel had lost the ability to form coherent thought and he just didn't give a damn anymore.

Slipping one hand into Axel's pants, Roxas grinned as his hips pressed against him, ignoring the fact that he was driving himself insane with this pace. He kept squeezing, twisting, caressing Axel's cock, listening to him groan, feeling him writhe under him. He kissed him again, tasting like sun and strength; which upon reflection was a strange way to taste, but it fit the redhead.

He felt Axel moan _Roxas_ against his lips. For the first time he noticed Axel's hands hadn't moved, and wondered if he was the one paralyzed this time.

"Yes?" He responded tauntingly, hands and lips retreating.

Trembling, Axel just stared at him for the longest time, trying to remember how to breathe and speak. His hands released the mattress, and, eyes asking permission, started to pull Roxas's shirt up and over his head. Roxas let him, kissing him lightly once he was freed. Axel's found his familiar grip on Roxas's hips, trying to figure out where he'd been moments before.

He tried again. "Roxas."

"Axel." Kissing him again, hands on either side of his face.

_I love you._ He hated that he couldn't tell Roxas, and said it over and over again in his heart, _I love you, I love you._ I love you.

Roxas slid himself off the bed, pulling at the top of Axel's boxers, showing from the opening of his pants, with a small smirk. "Let's get rid of these."

Not one to object (he couldn't think of anyone that would), Axel instead began to play with the fastening of Roxas's jeans. "You first."

Down they went; Axel stood, and his followed suit. Axel sealed their lips, tongue pressing into Roxas's mouth easily and toying with the other, fighting and dancing. Roxas pulled Axel onto the bed over him, letting him return to a place well known to him. Thoughts raced through his head, mostly along the lines of _he's in my bed, finally, he's here._ Instinctively he found a bottle of lubricant somewhere on his nightstand and pressed a finger into Roxas with understated practice. Crying out, Roxas arched his back against Axel and again took hold in the red locks.

It didn't take long to prepare the blonde; but they took their time, pushing and pulling and grinding and groaning until Roxas was was all but crying and Axel couldn't see straight. Carefully, he entered the smaller, feeling him clench and sigh and shake. Had it really been almost a moth since they'd been this close? He began to thrust, tenderly, reminding himself to breathe; how did he get to sleep every night without feeling this? Roxas's nails curled into his back, their bodies pressed together.

Roxas calling out his name, _Axel, Axel, Axel-!_ Over and over again. Bringing each other closer and closer to the blissful end they both knew would find them. Tossing names from one mouth to the other and forgetting which belonged to who and not caring. Finally, finally, in a dark crash of lights they collapsed, hearts erratic against one another's, breath labored and wonderful.

_I love you._ Axel murmured it once more to himself, kissing Roxas again leisurely; melting when he mimicked the gesture, hands returning to their accustomed task, rubbing circles at the base of the redhead's skull. Rolling over to his back, Axel pulled his lover (knowing he could never use the term aloud) against his chest. Threaded their fingers together, pressed his lips again to Roxas's cheek, eyelids, forehead. Anywhere. He needed that contact, needed to know Roxas was still there.

Did Roxas know how desperate he was? _He can't not know_, Axel reasoned. But by the same token, Roxas would squeeze Axel's hand now and again, kissing him where he could; his chest, shoulder, the soft flesh on the underside of his jaw. Maybe not for the same reasons, but at least, Roxas seemed to understand how good it felt to have these moments.

"Axel." His voice was soft, breathy. The slightest bit hoarse, but not in a way that Axel minded at all.

He kissed him before replying, "Roxas?"

"I might actually sleep through the night," He chuckled lightly, smiling in a way so unlike himself. He took a deep breath, adding, "If I wake up tomorrow at all."

Pillow talk. So domestic and mundane and _normal_. Axel loved it.

"Oh, sorry," He teased ever so lightly, "I forgot you have to get up in the morning and be on your feet all day doing manual labor."

Roxas chuckled again. "I'll survive. I usually do. We'll call it a warm-up."

_I love you_. Axel smiled and sealed their lips one last time before murmuring, "You should get to sleep, or you'll fall asleep on the way."

"Mmh." Roxas curled against him, head on his chest, listening to the slow, steady beat of his heart. "Goodnight, Axel."

Axel pressed his lips to the blonde spikes, thinking if Roxas said that every night, he'd only have good nights. "G'night, Rox."

* * *

So I realized far too late that I'd missed AkuRoku Day this year, which made me so incredibly angry. Not really angry, I guess, but mad that I'd let myself forget. The Universe made it up to me by giving me a bank card that expires 08/13. I was so excited :D anyway, the end of this chapter was my little apology to the boys, in hopes that they'd forgive me. I'm also trying to see if I can't write something for September 6th, which would be of course Zemyx Day. Hope you enjoyed the update!


	11. Candor

**Warnings: **There is almost nothing in this chapter. I have been remiss in updating, and it doesn't seem like I'm going to make this chapter any longer without a reasonable amount of time. So, I've decided to post what I have in hopes of resetting my writer's clock by this action. **

* * *

**Whilst dawdling in front of a not terribly intimidating doorway, Demyx was beginning to feel childish.

Axel had told him to come over. There was no reason for him to linger outside the apartment. He regularly walked in without invitation, and there was a standing invitation for him to come over. And he had to come over, because he'd held all of two and a half conversations with Roxas, and it was apparent that he wasn't going anywhere and that Demyx was going to have to get to know him.

For Axel's sake, if not Roxas's; Demyx reached to knock.

Instead, the door swung open and Axel collided with him, the pair ending up against the wall opposite.

"Demyx!" Axel grinned, standing upright before adding, "When'd you get here?"

Not intending to admit he'd been there for almost half an hour, Demyx replied, "Just now. Where are you rushing off to?"

"I need to run and drop something off at work," Axel explained before turning down the hall. "Go on inside, and play nice! I'll be home in ten minutes!"

_He's leaving me here with his obsession._ Demyx looked back to the open door, seeing Roxas standing, looking back. _Right. Play nice. _Demyx smiled and stepped in, shutting the door behind him.

"Any idea what that's all about?" He asked lightly.

Roxas walked into the kitchen and answered, "His boss called and said something about a presentation and needed some of his blueprints. That's all I caught before he rushed out and into you."

"He gets excited about things like that," Demyx murmured, watching Roxas working over the stove. He leaned easily against the counter, asking, "You cook?"

Blue eyes flicked towards him, trying to assess the potential of a trap, before replying easily, "More than I usually do, since Axel doesn't. I only had to cook ever other day when it was just me, but I- I think I like cooking for the two of us." There was a slight smile as he continued, "He's always honest about whether he likes when I cook or not. I like his honesty."

Demyx nodded slowly, agreeing, "You can always count on that... Are you?"

"Am I what?" Roxas asked, pausing to meet Demyx's eyes.

For a moment, they stared at each other. Roxas trying to be accepting of Demyx's questions, knowing how close he and Axel were. Demyx reminding himself that Roxas was important to Axel, and the redhead had been good to Zexion, and he owed Axel that at least. Both watching, waiting.

Then, quietly, the elder replied, "Honest?"

"I-" Roxas stopped, taking a deep breath as he considered the question, before finishing, "I try to be. With Axel, especially. But there are some things that I'm not ready to be honest about. I have my secrets, and I've been keeping them for a long time. It goes against everything I've told myself to just put everything out in the open right away."

_Understandable._ Demyx didn't respond; Roxas resumed his task, checking the mysterious pasta-concoction he'd been working on.

Again, though, he stopped and turned to Demyx, adding, "Regardless of what I keep from Axel about my past, I am honest with him. I don't lie to him, and I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, for his benefit or mine. I don't want to see him hurt anymore than you do. I just had a harder time admitting it."

"...He's going to get hurt," Demyx murmured to Roxas's surprise, eyes cast down. "That's just who he is. I'm not gonna expect you not to hurt him. One day, something is going to happen, he is going to get hurt, and there's nothing you or I can do about it. All I have to say is, if you hurt him for some stupid reason- you get bored or tired of him or just stop caring- if you hurt him, and there was a way for you to avoid it, rest assured I'll hurt you back. Axel's quick to forgive and forget, but I hold on to things for a long time. Don't test me."

"I won't."

Again their eyes locked; and each found a slight comfort in the other. Roxas could see how fiercely loyal Demyx was to Axel, someone who would defend him whatever the cost. But Demyx was a realist, and had some idea that things could go wrong. He wasn't holding Roxas to a ridiculous standard, and for that, he was grateful. Demyx, too, felt the sincerity in Roxas's voice when he said he didn't want to hurt Axel. Saw something in him that was real, if hidden. And maybe he was being childish again, but he hoped Roxas was a horrible liar.

Demyx straightened, walking closer to ask, "So what's on the menu?"

"I don't think I ever figured out what it was called," Roxas answered as he stirred the mixture again. "My brother found the recipe in an old box in our attic."

For a few minutes they hem-hawed back and forth about whatever came to mind, until Axel walked back in some time later.

At which point he descended on them, exclaiming, "FOOD!"

* * *

"See? You survived."

Roxas glanced at him, then rolled his eyes and didn't respond; but he smiled, ever so slightly. And since the topic on the news was about global warming, Axel assumed he wasn't smiling about that. He didn't add to his observation, pulling the small blonde into his lap without a word. Roxas let him, and both were quiet for a time.

Then Roxas agreed, "I did survive. Demyx is a good guy."

"Yeah, he is..." Lips pressed against his temple. "What happened after I left?"

Turning his head against Axel's neck, Roxas murmured, "Nothing. We talked about this and that. I think he approves of me."

"It wouldn't matter if he didn't." The idea that his best friend's opinion didn't matter caught Roxas off guard; but Axel continued, "Demyx wants me to be happy. You make me happy. Even if he doesn't like the idea of my happiness depending on you, or doesn't like you personally, he'd set it aside. Unless it got ridiculous."

Relieved, Roxas chuckled and asked, "What's his idea of ridiculous?"

"When I get to the point of searching for your approval in order to be happy," Axel explained softly, adding, "It's only gotten that bad once, and she was a complete psycho, and it was a long time ago, but I don't think Demyx ever really forgave himself for letting someone have that kind of control over me without my consent."

Confused, Roxas wondered, "What happened?"

"I-" Axel sighed, rubbed the back of his neck, and replied, "Right after I turned eighteen, I was in a relationship, and I couldn't- she was always making suggestions. Not even suggestions, questions, just things like, _you're eating_ and _he's there_. Like I shouldn't be eating. Like I shouldn't be with certain people. I started looking for her approval for everything I did, ate, even thought about."

He stopped for a moment. Roxas felt him breath, a little unevenly, but calmly; his hand snaked around Axel's neck, fingers curling lightly against the skin. He felt Axel tremble, shiver.

Then Axel returned, "She caught on to it, at some point, and she... stopped giving me permission. There were days where I didn't eat. There were weeks where I didn't eat. If she wasn't with me, I didn't really do anything. I just waited for her. Then she left. I couldn't get a hold of her, I couldn't find her- I stopped functioning. I started waiting. I lost track of..."

"When Demyx finally came looking for me, I was all but dead." He swallowed softly before murmuring, "She'd been gone for almost a month. I hadn't eaten or slept. If he hadn't come for me, I would have waited there until I died. He took the blame. Said he should've been there sooner. But he took care of me. He helped me get better. He's always been here for me."

Axel's hand found Roxas's, pulling it away and pressing his lips to it tenderly. Roxas turned himself, wrapping his arms around Axel's shoulders and holding him close, feeling him do the same. For a long time the pair sat this way, each caught in the other's embrace. When Roxas finally released his hold, Axel couldn't stop himself from kissing him.

"Thank you." When Axel gave him a questioning look, Roxas added, "For being honest with me."

Smiling gently, the redhead replied, "You told me your deep-dark-secret. I thought it was time to tell mine."

Roxas kissed him, agreed, "I'm glad you did."

"Think any less of me?" Axel asked, teasingly, eyes searching Roxas's.

Who pretended to consider this for a moment, answering, "I might... but then I remember that people are stupid. I'll let it slide."

"I'm honored," Axel chuckled, bringing him closer for another kiss.

Softly, tenderly, Roxas murmured, "Come on. Bed."

Axel was powerless, unwilling and unable to resist his blonde. Sheepishly, he followed Roxas to the bedroom, suddenly so tired and ready to just collapse. Which he did, after some internal debate, rolling onto his back restlessly. A few moments passed before he felt the bed sink and Roxas leaned over him, staring down with a smirk.

"You should at least get rid of your jeans before you pass out."

He kicked them off without a second thought. "What did you do to make me so tired?"

"I'm a vampire," Roxas replied seriously, crawling under the blanket and breathing deeply. "I'm slowly draining you of life, and soon you'll die."

_You won't hear me complaining,_ Axel thought as he pulled Roxas against him. "Well, knock if off. Can't afford any more sick days this quarter."

He felt Roxas's breathing even out, body slowly relax on his chest; he pressed his lips to the blonde spikes. _I love you._

Very easily, and almost unexpectedly, he was getting used to this.

* * *

Over the next few weeks, a rhythm developed between the two.

Every morning, around four-thirty or so, Roxas would wake up, take a ten-minute shower, then head for coffee and a piece of toast (if he felt like it). Axel would roll over around five and, realizing Roxas had already left the bed, stumble into the living room to find the blonde on the couch with either his mail or the news. After two or three mornings like this, Roxas finally forced him to explain his frustrated sigh.

He thought it was hilarious.

After that, it became somewhat of a competition; Roxas waking up first consistently, Axel getting closer and closer to catching him asleep. Close to six-thirty, Roxas would head off into the world for work, leaving Axel alone in their apartment for about an hour to stare at their ceiling and ponder deep thoughts.

The day would go smoothly (some less smoothly than others); four o' clock would roll around and Axel would return, most nights bringing some work along with him. Six-thirty saw Roxas safely home in varying degrees of exhaustion. After some banter back and forth, they would eventually start cooking. Axel was learning, slowly, and Roxas was happy to teach, regardless of the day he'd had.

Dinner finished, they would settle down to watch the news or, depending on what went on in the world, the news would wait, and they would just talk. Most of the time it was inconsequential, passing thoughts and memories. Each learned a little about the other's childhood, piece by piece. Learned passing thoughts and philosophies and anything else that wandered in.

Roxas, against his better judgment, was starting to like this routine; anticipating the sheepish smile and frustrated sigh every morning, looking forward to coming home to Axel and cooking and talking. He hated to admit it, and he wouldn't out loud, but Axel had been right (forever ago, it seemed) when he asked if Roxas had ever wanted to come home to someone.

No, he hadn't wanted to. But now, after doing it, he knew he would miss it.

His amnesia still acted up, which he expected. He hadn't lost anything of great importance, though the things he'd lost were quite irritating. An address, a measurement. Axel didn't often say anything on the matter, although they both knew he noticed. If Roxas asked, he answered the best he could, and unless the blonde pushed the subject, he'd let it drop. For this, Roxas was grateful.

Though things did not always go so smoothly.

* * *

Cliffhanger? A little, yes. But don't worry, duckies, I like my boys. I'll be good to them. They'll survive.


	12. Palatable

**Warnings: **Um... Nope, nothing warnable here, just a kind of 'BAAWW' moment. Apologies, again, for the long gap between updates.

**

* * *

**

_I hate meetings._

The start of a new project warranted a gathering of those with any degree of power; and, because no one liked meetings, Saix made Roxas go in his stead. Because Saix is good like that. All that had been accomplished during the two-hour sit down was an assessment of things covered the last time one had taken place. Overall, a very productive discussion.

For the most part, Roxas had occupied himself with finding as many words for 'meeting' as he could. Currently, the list was at fifteen. _I can't imagine people who do this for a living._ He thought of the people in his life (liking them far better than thoughts of shindigs). He wondered when Sora was coming home, hoped Riku will have grown up by that point, wondered why Naminé wanted to talk to him tomorrow...

Which worried him. Not that Naminé wanted to talk; that was all well and good. But she had notified him three days in advance. Which worried him immensely. Especially considering she wanted-

"Roxas?"

He jolted alert, and dived headfirst into the debate. No, he hadn't been listening. But he knew how to lie.

By the time he got home, his mind was destroyed. Shut door, kick off boots- and he was starting to hate those boots, solely because they meant work- and collapse on the couch. Only for a moment, because it was close to six. The apartment shouldn't be empty. Exhaustion aside, Roxas pulled himself back up and started looking for-

_My head's really wasted,_ Roxas grumbled, trying again, _Who am I looking for?_

He knew, dammit. Recognized the pictures. Red hair, green eyes.

He knew. His head was spinning, his heart shaking and trembling.

_I have to know._

He was looking for-

* * *

When Axel found him, tears were streaming down his face, hands clutching his head, shaking all over.

"Roxas!" He rushed to the blonde, catching him as his legs gave way. "Roxas, talk to me, what happened?"

It took him a few strangled breaths before Roxas could answer, "I lost you."

"You- what?" Axel pulled him closer, voice exasperated. "I don't understand-"

Breaking, Roxas choked, "You! I lost your name!"

Suddenly it was all painfully clear. Axel felt something cold and scaly slide into his chest; he held Roxas gently, resting their head's together.

"Rox-" His voice cracked, and he swallowed quickly before attempting, "Rox, calm down. Breathe."

He felt the smaller try, the shoulders loosen just a little, though it still felt like he was holding a terrified little rabbit.

"_Axel._"

That was all it took. Roxas melted completely, feeling weak and pathetic and hearing the other murmur his name over and over again.

"_Axel... Axel... Axel..._"

* * *

A few hours later, he was finally ready to talk.

His first thought, "I'm sorry."

Instinctively, Axel nipped the still-present bruise on his collar bone. Roxas fixed him with a frustrated stare.

"Don't you dare apologize to me, Rox," Axel excused himself. "Not to me."

Roxas ran a hand through his hair, sighed resolutely, "Will you stop acting like you're fine?"

In the midst of doing the dishes, Axel stopped and considered this. That was fair. They both knew it wasn't easy. If Roxas was going to be true about it, he would.

He turned back to Roxas and agreed, "You're right. I feel-" He had to clear his throat before continuing, "I feel like I failed you."

"What do you-" Baffled, the blonde shook his head and just stared, waiting.

For this, Axel was grateful. He explained, "Like this whole time I've been acting and leading you to think that I'm the one thing that will always be here and nothing's going to change that. We talked about this before, it was one of the first reasons you used for avoiding this whole situation. I told you it didn't matter, that I wasn't going anywhere-"

"I'm not, Rox," He interjected quickly, pressing his lips together before adding, "I'm not saying I'm leaving. I'm just saying that I'm not as unaffected by it as I thought I would be."

Roxas looked away. _Didn't expect all that._ Somehow, he expected Axel to come up with some master plan to overcome this mess.

He could have argue with that.

Because, truth be told, he was scared. Absolutely, inexcusably terrified. He hadn't broken down like that in a long time. And, in all reality, it was just a name. _Axel._ He didn't even blink when he forgot how to get to his apartment however long ago. He couldn't figure out why it had- _ruined_ him like this, and the not-knowing tore him apart.

"I'm sorry."

Axel chuckled, breathless, tiredly; he grabbed Roxas by the back of his neck, pulled him close and pressed his lips to his forehead. "Stop, please."

"But I-" Roxas stumbled in his wording, "I don't want you to feel like that. You shouldn't have to, and I-"

"And you shouldn't have to apologize for something you have no control over," Axel remarked, serious again.

Silence, ringing between them. Axel tenderly forced Roxas to lock eyes with him and, when Roxas glanced away after a time, Axel knew that he was gone. Everything they'd built together, all the trust and closeness and every bit of home they had, was gone. And even though it broke him into itty-bitty-pieces, he released his blonde and stepped back.

Roxas trembled a little, murmuring, "I don't want you to feel like that."

"...So Naminé wants to meet me tomorrow, right?" Axel turned, resuming the dish chore, "Did she tell you where we're going?"

His voice was light and nonchalant, and somehow it stung; Roxas pressed his lips together, answered softly, "She said something about a restaurant downtown..."

"That sounds suspicious," chuckled Axel, continuing what might have been smalltalk. "Are you nervous?"

Roxas stared at him for a moment before replying, "Not really. Unless you've been hiding something from me, because she'll know."

"Kinda past the point of hiding things, aren't we?" Axel asked, almost joking, but with gentle bitterness underlying the levity.

_Not really,_ Roxas wanted to challenge; punching the redhead in the jaw was a fair alternative. In the end, Roxas just nodded, and stared off into space. And when Axel continued the meaningless banter, he answered in kind. He didn't know it was killing Axel, and he didn't know the only reason Axel was forcing himself to do it was to keep himself from breaking down.

* * *

"So you're the mess."

Axel grinned sheepishly and asked, "What exactly did he tell you?"

"The truth," Roxas answered as Axel fell under Naminé's scrutiny.

She was being polite, for the most part. After all, she'd threatened to circle him and compare him to various foods if Roxas was late, and a few minutes was still technically late. Instead, she merely stood before him and looked him up and down, smiling, softly he thought, almost like approval but closer to that of a mother fox bringing a half-dead rabbit for her kit to play with.

Quietly, she reached up and drew her fingers lightly along his jaw, commenting, "His chin is sharper than I expected."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Roxas asked wryly, knowing Axel would want to know, but not ask.

She shrugged and replied, "You're always talking about people being so thin they'd fall through the floor, and he's tall and thin and- and _angled_, which seems different for you."

"I'm confused," Axel murmured, as if only to Roxas but more for Naminé.

"Well, you're a mess, after all," Naminé chuckled, adding, "Let's head inside."

Naminé had brought them to a soup shop, which neither of them had seen before, but like immediately by both. She refused to explain her reasoning until after they'd gotten something to eat, and after talking about the life the two were living together. Finally, when she began to fidget, Roxas demanded she answer them.

"There's a gallery opening uptown next month," She said with a suddenly shy smile.

Roxas stared, thought, then grinned. "Yours?"

"Not just mine-" Naminé rolled her eyes, but it was far too late.

He practically jumped across the table to hug her, scolding her, "When did you even apply for it?"

"A few months ago," She answered, and when he looked offended, "It's hard to get into a new gallery, they're trying to make an impression-"

Axel sat back as the two blondes went away at each other. The whole conversation prior had been somewhat awkward, partially because Roxas had been so honest with Naminé, ans she now used that information to question and prod with the most innocent stare. Roxas was almost paranoid that she would say or ask something that he wasn't prepared for; it was amazing, he thought, how easily Roxas shed his worries when someone he cared about was happy. Axel was, among many confusing things, jealous.

"So which pieces?" Roxas asked finally, settling down again.

Naminé paused, cleared her throat, and answered, "At the moment, I have three paintings. One of you and Sora, when you were kids. Sora and Riku, last spring. Kairi at work. But I need five, which was part of the reason I asked to see Axel today." Again she paused, then turned to Axel and continued, "I was wondering if you would sit for me one day."

His ears grew hot, which he hated, and he asked politely, "Um... What?"

"You shouldn't spring things on him like this, Naminé," Roxas teased, adding to the redhead, "She can draw most of us from memory, but because you're new, she wants to draw you so she can get a feel for how you look. Then she wants to paint you and display you to the world for all to see. She's a sadist that way."

The heat spread down his neck, and he knew he was turning red; "Um... What?"

"I meant both of you, actually," Naminé interjected. "Roxas hasn't sat for me since we were, what, sixteen? You've changed a lot since then."

_Sitting and being drawn with Roxas..._ Axel swallowed harshly, thinking, _this is scary. _He glanced at Roxas, and was surprised to find him almost hesitating. Was he nervous, too?

"Naminé, I mean," Axel smiled wearily and asked, "What did you have in mind?"

With a grateful smile in return, she answered, "Mostly it would just be for practice. Like I said, you're tall and thin and angular, and I'm used to painting Roxas-shaped people."

"...I have a shape?" Roxas mused lightly.

She rolled her eyes (blue as his, but somehow unbelievably wider), "Believe it or not, you and Sora were built exactly the same when you were kids, and Riku wasn't much different."

"Fair enough," He toyed again with his soup, muttering somewhat jokingly, "I think Sora would prefer Riku to be Riku-shaped, though."

This was lost on Axel, and he offered instead, "I'm in, I guess. When and where?"

"I can come by next week, sometime after Roxas gets out of work," She replied happily, "Thank you so much."

Roxas looked like he might protest, but in the end just sighed and suggested, "Thursday?"

* * *

Thanks for all the reviews, and again, sorry I haven't updated. Happy New Years, everyone!


	13. Crèche

So, less than a month later, I have an update of respectable length and content. This pleases me greatly.

**Warnings:** There is not-kid-friendly content at the conclusion of the chapter. Only mildly, though, because the activity can lead to children. But not this time. No pregnant Roxas.

* * *

"I can't believe you don't know how to cook asparagus."

Axel rolled his eyes, threw up his hands and exclaimed, "You're right! How did I ever graduate high school, let alone _college_ without knowing how to cook asparagus!"

"Glad you agree," Roxas responded, smiling in spite of himself, adding, "What you do first is snap off the base of the sprouts."

Settling to the task, Axel muttered something about the nature of asparagus being the reason he avoided it, which Roxas didn't dignify with a response.

They'd survived, somehow.

After meeting with Naminé, they'd gone home. For a moment, they stood and stared at each other. Just as they had the day before. Axel was terrified that they had lost the ability to speak, all because of the stupid amnesia. It was as if Roxas was just close enough to brush his fingertips against, and he was just waiting for the blonde to turn and walk away for good. Then Roxas rubbed the back of his neck, cleared his throat, and asked Axel to help him look over some blueprints; gave Axel something to hold on to, something to keep him there.

For that, Axel was grateful.

"Okay, all the ends are snapped off," Axel sighed, turning to Roxas with a grin. "Next step, O Master of the Asparagus-ian arts."

Roxas glanced over, expression bored as he replied, "You missed three."

"WHAT?"

A knock at the door called Roxas away, leaving Axel to puzzle over how he missed _any_, let alone three. As Roxas welcomed Naminé in, she chuckled at Axel's admonishments.

"Lessons not going well tonight?" She asked, setting a large bag on the table and reaching in for her supplies.

Giving Roxas a sideways stare, Axel answered, "It's like he's mocking me."

"He tends to do that," Naminé agreed, adding as she brought out her sketchpad, "I'm going to get started, so just ignore me."

Axel watched her take a seat nearby, curling up comfortably in a chair, and as she began sketching, he said, "I'm terrible at ignoring people."

She glanced up at him, smiled, and replied, "Then finish cooking like you normally would."

"Did you get the three you missed?" Roxas prompted, reminding Axel that he was irritated.

Naminé just smiled and sketched, listening to them as they cooked._ Whatever happened, I think they'll be okay._ Because Roxas wouldn't tell her what happened. Just that something had happened, and that he was worried. Which was enough to make her wonder; but she knew better than to ask. It was half the reason he told her anything.

Still, as they moved around each other (and sometimes into each other), she knew that whatever happened had shaken them. They way they spoke, moved, like their words were tiny glass figurines and one false syllable would send them all crashing downward into a thousand pieces, and they'd already broken a few.

But they were still talking, still moving; still passing the trinkets back and forth, regardless of the pieces of glass scattered on the floor.

And this, she thought, would be the reason they were going to be okay.

There was something about Axel, she had to admit. Everything he said was tilted, half-teasing, half-serious. And it seemed to be rubbing off on Roxas, which Naminé decided was a good thing. Axel might have been a mess, but she found herself liking him with Roxas. He spoke softly, tenderly, and when Roxas wasn't paying attention, Axel would find reasons to make contact; to brush Roxas's hair out of his eyes, to prevent a collision, to inflict payback. This made Naminé smile, and her pencil dance lightly.

"Alright, it's done," Roxas finally said, "Put up your sketch pad and come eat."

She laughed and replied, "But I'm getting so much done! And eating is for the weak, like sleep."

"You always get mad at me for not eating and sleeping," Roxas countered.

Axel stared at him, demanding, "Why wouldn't you eat? You're a great cook."

"Exactly!" Naminé joined, "You have no excuse."

Roxas glared at each of them in turn before answering, "Well, I'm trying to eat, but you two won't sit down and eat with me."

* * *

She finished her dinner first, and took the opportunity to sketch the boys while they ate. Which Axel admitted seemed odd, but he didn't really care. When she demanded a story from his childhood, however, he tried evading as long as he could, and somehow managed to finish his meal before giving in.

He began, "When I was eleven-"

"Wait, um," She looked around and asked, "Can you sit together on the couch?"

Roxas glanced to Axel, their eyes locking for just a moment. Then Roxas started towards the living room, leaving Axel to murmur _sure_ and follow.

The only times they sat on the couch were to watch the news, or a movie, or 'not-sleep', which was sometimes more acceptable than admitting defeat and crawling to bed. In any case, though, Axel would hold Roxas close against his chest, close enough to feel the blonde breathing, close enough to hear his heartbeat.

But they hadn't been that close, not since Roxas lost Axel's name. They'd taken to sitting next to each other, which made things feel strange. It seemed to be something they had silently agreed upon, though neither were particularly happy with it (though Roxas wouldn't admit this as readily as Axel). Naminé set up on the floor in front of them, looking to Axel when she was ready.

Again, he started with, "When I was eleven, my brother Reno and I went to our aunt's house for a few weeks over the summer to give my parents a break. While we were there-"

"I'm sorry," Naminé interjected again, "But you two look like you'd be more comfortable fucking goats."

Roxas stared at her, frozen completely. Axel, against all reason, blushed.

She just returned Roxas's gaze, perfect innocence in her face. Then, politely, "Fix it."

Axel turned to stare down at Roxas, as if asking permission. As if Naminé had asked them to have sex on the roof of the building.

Roxas surprised him, turning himself and sliding into the redhead's lap without any sort of fuss. Interlaced his right hand with Axel's left, resting his head against the broader shoulder. Axel felt his heart sigh, and before he could stop himself, he pressed his lips to Roxas's forehead. He'd missed this. He'd missed this a lot. More than even he cared to admit, even to himself.

He glanced to Naminé, who nodded. He continued his story.

"While we were at our aunt's house, there was this massive rainstorm. It rained consistently for four days straight." He smiled, adding softly, "On the third day, while our aunt wasn't paying attention, Reno and I ran outside. The yard had this dip in it that filled with water. We could practically swim in it... We stayed out for two hours, then Aunt Clarabell yelled for us to get inside before we caught our death."

He laughed as he added, "Reno did, for the next couple of days. Poor kid wasn't even allowed outside, and he was only nine. It nearly killed him."

"Sora never go sick," Roxas murmured. "I can only remember one time when he had to stay home. It was right after I lost him, he had appendicitis and needed surgery. He was stuck home for almost a week. Things between us were still awkward, to say the least. After he got home from the hospital, I walked all the way across town to this farmer's market to get him a piece of fruit."

Axel grinned and asked, "Your first response to surgery is fruit?"

"Yeah, well," Roxas rolled his eyes, "I guess it was supposed to be a peace offering, or something, but his whole face lit up when I gave it to him. I still don't know why it made such a difference."

Naminé answered, "Don't you remember the legend of the Paopu fruit?"

When Roxas fixed her with a confused stare, she continued, "If two people share one, their destinies become intertwined. Everyone learned the story in kindergarten, supposedly it helps kids form bonds at an early age. Maybe you and Sora shared one then, and you lost it when you lost him? So by giving him another Paopu fruit, it was a way to tell him you didn't want to lose him again."

"I've never heard that before," Axel mused, adding wryly, "Boy, I missed out."

Roxas agreed teasingly, "You didn't know about the Paopu fruit or how to cook asparagus? What kind of man are you?"

"The sad, pathetic kind that you seem to like," Axel answered in kind.

Before any retort could be made, a strange ditty began playing from the kitchen. The trio were silent, until Axel realized what it was.

"Oh. Reno's calling." Tenderly shuffling Roxas out of his lap, he went to fetch his phone, throwing over his shoulder, "This can't be good."

Roxas chuckled as Axel answered his phone. He glanced at Naminé, though, saw her smug expression, and quickly began avoiding her stare. But he couldn't forever, and finally he allowed himself to be sucked into the blue eyes he knew looked exactly like his. She just smiled at him for the longest time, and he had to ask before she commented.

"You're a puzzle, Roxas, a broken puzzle. You can figure out what the picture is, but there are still a lot of pieces missing." She looked into the kitchen, to Axel, then added, "So is he. Same puzzle, same picture and everything, but he's missing pieces too. But together, you make one whole puzzle. You're his missing piece, and he is yours."

He tried to process her judgment, but Axel chose this time to walk in and sit down again, without a word.

"Axel?" He didn't answer; Roxas threaded his fingers into the red spikes, asking softly, "Everything okay?"

Nodding, Axel replied, "Yes. Fantastic. Reno's having a baby."

"...Your brother is having a baby?" Naminé asked, teasing in a serious sort of way.

"His wife went into labor. They're at the hospital." Axel considered this, adding, "I should go up there."

The two blondes shared a look. Hers said _go_. His said _of course._

"Well, thanks for having me over, boys," Naminé said as she stood, gathering her things. "I'll let you two have the rest of the evening to do with what you like."

Roxas led her to the door, leaving Axel with his thoughts. When she giggled at his dazed expression, he explained, "Axel is terrified of babies."

"I see," She smiled, hugged Roxas, and murmured, "Call me if you need anything."

He rolled his eyes and replied, "Go home and get to work."

She tossed him a wink and walked away. He returned to Axel, who still looked lost. Passingly, Roxas wondered if he ever looked like that.

"Axel," This as he brushed a hand over the inked cheek, "Let's go."

Green eyes flicked to his, and a moment later the statement sank in. "You're coming?"

"I'm not going to make you spend the night in a hospital by yourself," Roxas replied, pulling Axel up before instructing, "Grab your coat, it's cold out tonight."

When he turned to get his own, Axel took hold of his hand, stopping him. He didn't ask, just waited for Axel to say what he had to.

He pressed his lips together, nervously, then, "Thank you."

"Don't worry about it," Roxas answered, closing the distance between them to seal their lips before again saying, "Coat."

* * *

Pacing, Roxas thought, was the job of the father-to-be. Not the uncle.

"I don't know why I'm so freaked out," Axel laughed sheepishly.

Roxas chuckled and answered, "Your sister-in-law is about to push out a baby, Axel, it's a scary thought."

"You know, surprisingly, that's note very helpful," He retorted, finally taking a seat. "Where the hell is Reno? What the hell is wrong with this hospital?"

With a tender smile, Roxas consoled, "There are baby-snatchers running around, they can't just let random people into the delivery rooms."

"I guess not," Axel sighed, rubbing his eyes. "But it wouldn't-"

"Axel!"

Instantly he was up, on high alert, stalking towards what could only be his younger brother. Once Axel had smacked him in the shoulder and they'd exchanged greetings such as _you're an idiot_ and _takes one to know one, yo_, Axel turned to introduce Reno to Roxas, and vice-versa. Roxas smiled, seeing the differences and similarities. Reno was taller, his hair longer and more relaxed. The more Roxas looked, the more he thought Reno as a whole seemed more relaxed; his face was more curved, eyes less intense, and almost blue.

"Why didn't I know you were bringing a buddy?" Reno teased, adding as it occurred to him, "Can you run down stairs and get beef jerky and chocolate?"

Axel fixed him with a confused stare. "You want beef jerky and... chocolate?"

"Rikku does," Reno explained, adding loosely, "Besides, get you away from the delivery room."

This was agreeable to Axel, and he asked, "Where am I going?"

"Down two floors, at the end of the long-ass hallway," The other answered, "Now go, go, go!"

Without further adieu, he was off, leaving his brother and lover alone with no more information than the other's name.

Reno stuck his tongue out at Axel's retreating back, chuckling and saying to Roxas, "And he's the older brother."

"How likely is he to get lost?" Roxas asked, following Reno back to the chairs he'd recently vacated.

Shrugging, Reno replied, "I wouldn't put it past him. But it's a long hallway, something like a mile long. He'll be gone a while."

"Well, I'll remind him to thank you," Laughed he; but when he realized the redhead was inspecting him, Roxas fell silent and endured patiently.

Then Reno asked, "How long have you known Axel? I haven't talked to him in a while."

"I met Axel about... Six weeks ago?" Roxas answered.

"And you're sleeping together?"

Roxas felt his face heat up, which confused him, but he nodded and asked, "What gave it away?"

"He was always a biter," Reno replied, nonchalantly reaching out to tap the bruise sneaking out from under Roxas's collar. "When did that happen?"

With a sheepish smirk, Roxas answered, "You could call it his favorite pass time, making sure I have it."

"So are you guys together, or fuck-buddies, or what?" Reno continued, as though commenting on the weather.

It was off-putting, to say the least, but Roxas answered easily enough, "We're actually living together. I moved in about two weeks ago."

"You knew him for a month before you moved in?"

He didn't have a response. Yes, he'd only known Axel for a month before he'd agreed to move in. Yes, it did seem rather soon to him. In the end, he just nodded, meeting Reno's suddenly serious stare.

Then the elder grinned, and laughed, and mused, "Well, I guess when it's good, it's good, and there's no reason to put off the inevitable." He glanced around, sighed, and continued, "I'm glad he's got you now, though, especially tonight. Axel's always hated hospitals, and babies, and childbirth. I didn't think he'd even come up."

"Why wouldn't he?" Roxas asked, "What happened to make him so against kids?"

Chuckling wryly, Reno answered, "He loves kids. I think he might even like babies someday, but he's always so scared that he's going to hurt them or break them. I guess that comes from our mom. She's a real piece of work, that one. Always going on about having to hold a baby just-so, and feed them this-way-not-that. It's a miracle he even talks to me."

Roxas considered this for a moment, murmuring, "Some moms aren't meant to be moms, I guess."

"True that, yo." With a small laugh, a warm, teasing sound, Reno decided, "I like you, kid. Be careful with my brother, alright?"

With a returning smile, Roxas nodded, "I'll do my best. So what do you do for a living, Reno?"

"I'm a male stripper."

* * *

By the time Axel made it back, dried meat and chocolatey goodness in tow, Roxas was very much enlightened to the ways of exotic dancers. And he greatly wished he could have missed the entire conversation. Reno retreated to the birthing room, agreeing with Axel that there was no reason he needed to see Rikku screaming for drugs. Axel settled himself in a chair, looked at Roxas, and knew.

"I shouldn't have left you with him for more than two minutes."

Roxas laughed, replied, "I'm alright. I just hope he doesn't take his kid to work with him."

"Ha, I don't think Rikku would let him," Axel muttered, "At least, I hope she wouldn't... What time is it?"

Pulling out his phone, Roxas answered, "Eleven-thirty-ish."

"Ugh, it's going to be a long night." Rubbing the back of his neck, he offered, "You should get home and sleep. Early morning, like always."

_He'll go crazy by himself._ With a dismissive shrug, Roxas replied, "I don't sleep anyway."

"I'll be okay, Rox," Axel rolled his eyes, grinning.

Roxas stared at him, then smiled, and murmured tenderly, "And so will I."

Unable to resist further, Axel leaned over and kissed him, slowly, softly, then again before pulling away. "Thank you."

"This is going to turn into one of those _don't apologize_ moments, isn't it?" Roxas teased.

Axel chuckled as he replied, "Fine, I'll stop... About that, though-"

"No, we're not getting into it again," Roxas stretched, continuing, "We're fine, Axel. Maybe not as fine as we'd like, but we're fine."

_We're fine,_ Axel thought. He grinned, slid his hand into Roxas, and agreed, "Okay. We're fine."

* * *

Roxas rubbed his eyes, sitting up.

_I hate late nights._

Somewhere around two in the morning, Rikku gave birth to a daughter, who was named Corrine. She gave all in attendance a very impressive glare for one only a few minutes old, and Axel hoped she would grow out of it before much longer. Roxas 'met' Rikku, which is code for heard her screaming from down the hall that she needed more chocolate.

He glanced at the alarm clock, thinking he might've actually slept until five, instead of the usual time of four.

The clock read five, and he thought nothing else of it.

"Axel." The redhead didn't respond; he reached out and slammed a hand on the broad chest. "Axel!"

With a groan, Axel rolled out of the bed. "I'm up. What time is it?"

"Five." Roxas went towards the kitchen for coffee, adding over his shoulder, "You get the shower first."

_I'm all for sharing,_ Axel thought, wishing he could crawl his way towards the bathroom and just stay there for three days.

But he knew he couldn't. There was no food in the shower.

Roxas expected the coffee to be made; he'd learned how to reprogram it to start at four. It was far too cold to have only sat for an hour in the insulated pot, though. He glanced at the clock there, and to his surprise, it read just after six. Which couldn't be right. He would be on his way to being late if it was six. He went in search of his phone, knowing it would be right if nothing else.

Its answer? **6:09**

From his place in the shower, Axel heard, "FUCK!" and the quick patter of feet, followed by the bathroom door opening.

"Can you make your shower super fast for me?" Roxas asked, his voice irritated. "Our alarm clock is off by an hour."

_Daylight savings time?_ Axel considered this briefly before replying, "You know, this shower's big enough for two of us."

"Yeah, but-" Roxas fell silent, as if it had just occurred to him, and agreed, "You're right. I'm coming in."

Axel hadn't expected that to work. He wasn't, of course, going to complain, and when Roxas flicked the curtain out of the way to climb in, he did his best to not show how this affected him.

Roxas was less than a foot away from him.

Completely bare.

Covered in just water.

Axel  
could

see  
EVERYTHING.

Not that he hadn't seen all of Roxas before. Just that he could see all of him objectively now; without the preoccupation of sex on his mind, he could notice just how _perfect_ Roxas was. How the muscles of his back stretched over his skeleton, wrapping around his ribs. Watched the muscles of his arms twist over his shoulders as he quickly started washing his hair. Sex hadn't been on Axel's mind, but it sounded like a wonderful idea just then. He himself was more or less done cleaning himself, and reached out to brush his fingertips down Roxas's side.

Instantly Roxas froze, a shiver rushing from the base of his skull and spreading across his back. Then he turned and glared at Axel.

"Don't you dare."

"Dare what?" Axel asked innocently, stepping a bit closer.

Roxas stepped as far away as he could (which wasn't far), answering, "We don't have time! I'll be late!"

"Ah, well, that's true." For a second, Roxas thought he was safe. Than Axel's hands snuck around his midsection, gliding low along his hips as he added, "I guess we'll have to be quick, then."

"Dammit-"

He tried to grab Axel's wrists and pull them away, but Axel had flicked his tongue against the shell of the blonde's ear; before Roxas could regain his sense, Axel was sucking and chewing and his hands had traveled upwards to tease his stomach and nipples. Roxas's teeth clicked shut sharply, fully intending to climb out of the shower, cleanliness be damned.

Then Roxas's back was against the tiled wall, the redhead kneeling in front of him. And before he could put up a fight, Axel's lips were wrapped around him, and he was _sucking_ and it was too late for Roxas to stop him. It took all of his attention to keep breathing and not slip. And dammit, that tongue. _Fuck. Fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-FUCK!_ Because it shouldn't have been this easy to impair his judgment. It had to be a combination of mere hours of sleep and lack of sex and _OH FUCK._

"Please, Axel-"

And he was kissing him, hard and fast and hot, and Roxas gave up trying to stop him. Axel pressed him against the tiled wall, grinding and rocking and barely staying upright. _Don't you dare stop, I'll kill you if you stop._ Roxas was tossed into vertigo, grounded only by Axel's hands and lips and that damned tongue-!

But he stopped, pressing their foreheads together, green eyes staring into hazy blue. Roxas felt his limbs trembling, blood rushing and throbbing, the heat of the water chilled compared to that of his body. He barely registered when Axel's hand crept to the faucet, turning the knob, adjusting the temperature.

Suddenly the water was ice, freezing.

Roxas flinched away, glaring at the redhead as his head cleared. But he knew Axel was in no better condition, and what's more, Axel was going to be stuck in an office with nothing but time on his hands.

"Karma is a bitch, Axel," Roxas warned, his voice husky and low.

With a chuckle and one last kiss, Axel retorted, "At least you know what you're coming home to."

* * *

Mwahahaha... Yeah, I was happy about it. I'm exceptionally pleased with the way this worked out, though I feel like I might have missed the mark with Reno just a tad. And if you wanted to know, yes, Reno has always been a male stripper in my mind. The name Corrine wasn't mine; the voice actor for Rikku, Tara Strong, also voiced for Tales of Symphonia, and Corrine was the name of one of her characters. Thus, the connection and a baby's name. Reviews would be nice, and encouraging, and all that fun stuff. Hope you made good choices for the New Year!


	14. Nonpareil

**Warnings:** There is Chinese. Only a little, but you deserve to know. And to anyone who knows Chinese, I apologize if I have it typed wrong or the translation is off; I had a friend translate it for me, so I can't promise it's accurate. I took Latin.

* * *

Axel spent the entire day trying to not think about Roxas. In the shower. All hot and bothered. And slippery-

_Fuck._ He smacked his head on the desk again; hindsight being better than foresight, he realized now that he had far too much free time on his hands to start the day with such activities. Not when he would be stuck sitting there, thinking, all damn day. Roxas would be in constant motion, things wouldn't be nearly as hard on him.

The end was near, though, he reminded himself. He had twenty minutes to go. Twenty agonizing minutes.

* * *

He'd just gotten home when his phone began to ring, Roxas's name flashing pointed at him.

"Yes?" He murmured, dropping his keys in the process.

Roxas sounded just as frustrated when he answered, "_Apparently, we're behind on our completion schedule. Saix is having the crews work until eight, so I'm gonna be home late._"

"It gets dark before eight," Axel mused, adding, "I'll have dinner waiting when you're done. Don't hurt yourself."

"_Which reminds me, I still have to kill you._" Frustration still, but more teasing now, which was comforting in its own way.

Axel smiled in the phone before murmuring, "Well before you do, let me make you one last meal."

"_Don't burn down the apartment,_" Roxas instructed, then, in response to a further-off voice, he added, "_I'll call when I'm on my way._"

In the end, Axel returned to potato soup. It was warm, filling, and would sit just fine until Roxas made it home. It would sit, actually, for three days, and only got better with age.

But he wasn't intending to it there for three days.

* * *

Roxas called about quarter-after eight, saying they'd been released for the day and he'd be there soon. Axel reheated the pot, spooning some into a pair of bowls.

As soon as the door opened, Roxas started growling, "_W__o de ma he ta de fong kung de wai sheng dou__! _When did that corner get there?"

"Um... Was that Chinese?" Axel asked, grinning in spite of himself.

From the entry, Roxas answered, "Yeah."

"What happened to warrant that?"

He was nursing his elbow when he came into view, answering, "I smacked myself on the corner of the room, which apparently jumped out at me and receded before I could catch it in the act."

"When did you learn Chinese?" Axel asked, inspecting the offended limb.

Roxas shrugged, "We had to take a foreign language in high school, and the Spanish classes were crowded."

"I think you'll be fine," The other teased, turning back to the counter to retrieve the soup. "What does it mean?"

Eyes wide with anticipation, Roxas replied, "Holy mother of God and all her wacky nephews. Or something like that."

Axel laughed, handed him his portion, and reminded Roxas, "It's hot, so sit down with it."

"I'm sitting on the couch," Responded he as he moved in that direction. "I'm stupidly sore."

Joining him, Axel didn't add anything so Roxas could eat, but he could see that the blonde was exhausted. His shoulders seemed stiff, and at random the muscles in his arms and legs would spasm and clench as if remembering standing and moving and lifting for hours and hours. When Roxas finished, he set the bowl down and stretched, quickly curling up afterward.

He glanced over and reflected, "I hate working late."

"It probably didn't help that you were at the hospital until two in the morning," Axel replied, grabbing Roxas's bowl and taking it to the kitchen.

Roxas called softly after him, "Late nights are one thing. Working late is another. Especially when it's someone else's fault, which Saix forgot to mention."

"What happened?" Axel asked as he sat, pulling Roxas easily into his lap.

After a moment of peaceful sitting, Roxas answered, "That part of the subdivision that was supposed to be done by another crew. They fell behind, so Saix offered to have us finish it."

"But you still have to finish what you were working on?" Axel questioned.

With a nod, Roxas explained, "We're almost done with ours, though. I just wish he'd asked the guys first, some of them have families they want to see."

_Of course you'd say that,_ Axel smiled, musing sardonically, "And you're so obviously worried about yourself, too."

"Reno has the baby, remember, not me," Roxas replied in kind, adding more tenderly, "And you're a lot more understanding than a six year old."

Chuckling warmly, Axel agreed, "One would hope so."

* * *

The routine didn't change much over the next few days. A cold front swept in, bringing the risk of rain with it. Roxas came home progressively later, more and more sore, and Saix had them come in Sunday, coming earlier and earlier in the days following. By the time he got home, Axel practically had to fight with him to eat; he was just ready to crawl into bed and just lay there, with or without sleeping.

It was nearly the weekend again when Axel decided he had to say something. Finally, the rain had come, and when Roxas called on his way home, Axel could practically hear his teeth chattering. When he heard the door open, close, but Roxas didn't surface, it was obvious that today had to be the last.

He walked over, finding the blonde leaning against the door, eyes closed. Axel reached out, running his hand across Roxas's cheek. It drew a quiet, drained stare; when Axel stepped closer, wrapping his arms around the thin frame, Roxas folded into him without argument. Without a word, Axel carried him in, foregoing the couch and taking him straight to bed.

When Roxas realized this, he asked lowly, "What, no force-feeding tonight?"

"It's coming, don't worry," Axel answered softly. "Let's get you out of all this, you're soaked."

Carefully, cooperatively, the two undressed Roxas, the chills and tremors from cold and fatigued not unnoticed by Axel. He was quite tempted to put him in a hot bath, but wasn't about to risk him falling asleep and drowning. He opted instead to slip him into a pair of Axel's own pajamas, then into the bed and under the blanket.

Axel left him for a moment, brought back a bowl of thick beef stew, and helped Roxas sit up to eat it. Roxas managed to hold conversation, asked about Reno and the baby, about Demyx. When he was finished, Axel dutifully took the dish to the kitchen, rinsing it before returning to initiate the conversation he wasn't thrilled to be having.

"You can't take much more of this," Axel murmured softly.

Roxas took a deep breath, eyes closed as he melted into the mattress at an astounding ten o' clock. "We're almost done. Few more days, maybe just two. I'll be alright."

"Are you wearing pants right now?"

He considered this, didn't move, and answered, "No."

"Wrong answer, kid." Axel used this as validation when he continued, "You're about to keel over."

"I'll be alright," Roxas assured him, voice already fading as he started to lose contact with the world. "Two more days."

Axel stared at him, eyes clouded with worry. He knew there was no way to convince Roxas to accept help; been down that road, hadn't they? And he didn't want to argue, not now, not when he was so very exhausted. Instead, he pulled back the comforter, laid the blonde back out, and replaced the blanket.

Roxas's eyes were watching him blearily when he paused. "Thank you."

"Consider this repayment for fixing my hangover forever ago," Axel answered, pressing his lips to Roxas's forehead. "Get some sleep."

As his eyelids slid low, Axel flicked the light off and headed back into the living room to make a call. From Roxas's phone.

"_What do you want, Strife?_"

It was definitely Saix. Years later, and nothing had changed.

Clearing his throat, Axel answered, "I'm Roxas's roommate, he's... not gonna be able to make it tomorrow."

"_...And why not?_" This not wholly unprofessional, though curt.

For a moment, Axel had thought he might apologize for his greeting. He answered, "Because he's barely able to function at a base level. He doesn't even have the energy to sleep any more, and if he tries to work fifteen hours again, he's going to get hurt, and hurt someone else in the process. He's staying home tomorrow. I think you can spare him."

"_I assume this is your decision, since he's never had a problem with his schedule before,_" Saix commented, "_And you have to understand he doesn't get paid sick leave. If he stays home, he gets docked._"

Pretentious bastard. Axel replied in a similar tone, "Considering he's worked four extra hours a day, plus an entire Sunday that he normally has off, I think he'll average out just fine. And _you_ have to understand that the only reason he works for you is because he wants to. He no longer has to. So stop acting like he's not going anywhere."

With that, he closed the phone. Walked back to the room, unplugged the alarm, and slid into bed. Checked that Roxas was still breathing, and carefully fell asleep.

* * *

There were hints of light grey when Roxas reluctantly woke up. He was late. _Shit._ Slowly, achingly, he sat up, ran a hand through his hair. Work. Damn. He flipped the covering away, turned to climb out.

"Get your ass back in bed."

He was surprised that Axel was awake, but all he could manage was, "Can't. Work."

Before he could stand, he felt the redhead's strong arms wrap around him, pulling him down, replacing the blanket.

"You're staying home. Don't make me tie you down." It was far too late for that. The heat and soft breathing was already lulling him back to slumber.

Weakly, he tried to pry Axel's hands away, but in the end, their fingers interlaced as he lost the will to fight.

* * *

Hours later, he was awake, more so than he had been. He was alone in bed by that point, and tried to lift himself out, but his limbs refused to react significantly. Roxas sat there, puzzling, trying to decide if he should be worried. He decided that his tired muscles were too used to resting now.

There were footsteps in the apartment, and shortly, Axel appeared in the doorway, smiling softly.

"Welcome to the world of late mornings."

Roxas managed to smile back, his voice harsh when he answered, "I can't move, you know."

"Stuff like that happens when you're half dead," Axel explained, moving to sit beside him on the bed. "Feeling any better, though?"

Nodding, Roxas focused a bit and asked, "Aren't you supposed to be at work?"

"You've lost track of days," This warm teasing, "It's Saturday."

Which made sense. _But I know _I'm _supposed to be at work._ Roxas let his eyes drift closed, muttering, "Saix is going to murder me for not showing up."

"Don't worry, you called in."

That didn't make sense. Eyes open, eyebrows low. "I called in?"

"Last night, shortly after you fell asleep," Axel continued.

As understanding of the tale sank in, Roxas felt a shot of adrenaline seep into him; not a lot, just enough to get him sitting up and staring at Axel incredulously.

"Wha- you mean- Are you okay?"

Laughing lightly, Axel thought aloud, "It's funny how you can barely sit up and you're asking me if I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know, I just," Roxas sighed, head spinning at the sudden movement, "You haven't talked to him since high school, what happened?"

Axel shrugged and replied, "I don't even think he recognized my voice. I'm not worried about it. You, on the other hand, I do worry about."

Roxas collapsed on the bed and mused, "Why, you've got me immobilized in bed. What could possibly go wrong?"

"You stay immobilized, and I have to take you to the hospital." Axel explained. "And you know I hate hospitals."

With a sigh, Roxas murmured, "You hate babies, not hospitals. I'll be fine. Helped me up."

"Um... actually, while I've got you stuck, can I ask you something?" Tentatively, hesitating, which made Roxas nervous instantly; but he nodded.

* * *

This is an unintentional cliffhanger. I wanted to keep going, but I didn't know what Axel wanted to ask, and I didn't want this to sit around for months while I tried to figure it out. If you have anything specific you want to ask, REVIEW and I'll take it into consideration. If you need ideas, I have a poll on my homepage (is that what it's called, where my bio and stories are?), and you can vote there.

Elsewise, I have recently realized that I posted this story on February 15, 2010. Which means that, in a little over a week, it will have been in production for an entire year. It is second in reviews and hits only to my Fullmetal Alchemist story _Two Guesses _(which puzzles me, because that one is... rough, to say the least), though this has more followers, and is nearly three times a big (but with fewer chapters (a mystery)). ALL OF THIS is because of you, reader, reviewer, follower. Without you, I would have given up ages ago.

So I want to say thanks to everybody who's stuck with me and the boys for so long, and for those that have just found it; thanks to my reviewers, and subscriber, and those who do both. I hope that it's been as much of an experience for you as it has for me, and I hope we'll both be glad of it in the end. I have it planned to twenty-one chapters; only seven to go.


	15. Disillusionment

**Warnings:** Looming BAAAW kind of chapter. Shorter than I had hoped, not indecently so (I don't think).

* * *

Roxas stared at Axel's back as he muttered into his phone, thankful for the first time in his life for interrupting phone calls.

Because he didn't have an answer to the redhead's question. Because he didn't want to answer the redhead's question.

Because of Demyx, for a few moments, he didn't have to.

"Okay, I'll make sure I'm there... Alright, Dem. I'll talk to you later."

_Shit._ Roxas slid his eyes closed, sitting up before returning his attention to Axel, who'd taken a seat on the bed as well.

"I don't understand, Axel," He confessed. "What are you asking?"

Axel sighed, ran a hand thoughtfully through his hair before murmuring, "This might be a bad time to bring this up... A couple of weeks, I asked if this was a relationship. You said it was. Now I have to ask: where do you want us to go? How far, how long? Can you see us together in a year? Six months? Where are we going?"

"...I don't know," Roxas answered, somehow pulling himself upright, unable to relax in this conversation. He couldn't look at the redhead, didn't want to see his expression of hurt or anger or- _Fuck_, how would Axel look? He pressed his lips together, shaking his head as he tried again, "I just- I don't know."

The other relented a bit as he continued more mildly, "What about your amnesia? Are we ignoring it, are you looking for treatment?"

"What exactly do you think I'm supposed to do?" Roxas asked in return, his voice more terse than he meant.

It was obviously felt by Axel, who was silent for a moment. Then, so softly Roxas nearly missed it, he answered, "Try. Roxas. I think you're supposed to try."

Finally, Roxas slid his eyes over, chest rumbling, almost angry, almost sad. Axel met his gaze, eyes echoing his, as if daring him to deny it. And Roxas couldn't. Because some part of him knew Axel was right, knew that he'd stopped trying to solve his problem, stopped trying to change things, started just tying to handle it. They way he was told he should. The way he'd always hated.

Because he was afraid to say that he'd learned to live with Axel; and if he could do that, couldn't he learn to live with his amnesia, with both?

Axel looked away first, head lowered, swallowing quietly. "It's almost noon. Are you ready to eat?"

Roxas rubbed the back of his neck as he murmured, "Yeah, I could eat."

"Okay," Axel headed towards the kitchen, stopping in the doorway. Then, turning his head back, but without fully looking, he offered, "Let me know when you figure out what you want. I'll be waiting."

* * *

Somehow, as they had before, the two made it through that day, and most of the next.

The hardest part was when Roxas would catch Axel watching him, which in itself wasn't an unusual occurrence; but the way he was watching, the lost look that stared so piercingly- then the dropped gaze, which was what hurt the most. He didn't say anything though, hoping that whatever demons Axel was forcing himself to face alone would be easily overpowered.

Because Roxas knew a thing or two about demons. They hurt. And sometimes, they won.

Axel was trying to not let it bother him. _Now, at least,_ he thought to himself as he was washing cups, _he's thinking about it._ Axel had been thinking. About him, about Roxas, about where they were going and what they were doing. A part of him wondered if this was something they should have addressed sooner; what each wanted from the other. Would he feel better, knowing that Roxas wasn't looking for something long-term? Would Roxas have even let it get this far-?

The glass in his hand broke, startling him. Had he been squeezing it that hard? He stared in confusion for a moment, before he became aware that Roxas was now at his shoulder.

"You're bleeding, Axel!"

Only a minor cut to his palm, but he was; he mused lightly, "Oh. Guess I should be more careful, right?"

Which earned him a strange look. Roxas answered, a tone of suspicion in his voice, "Come on. You need to clean it."

The pair were silent as Roxas carefully washed the gash (deeper than Axel had thought, but still less-than serious) and wrapped it firmly with a gauze bandage. The blonde then banished Axel from the kitchen, finishing the task himself. Axel felt useless, which was something not new to him with Roxas. And oh, how he hated it.

"Will you be able to work with that?" Roxas asked when he'd finished, joining Axel in the living room. "Aren't you left handed?"

Considering this, Axel replied, "Maybe not very quickly, but well enough. I'm not completely ambidextrous, but nearly, so I'll just do most of the work with my right."

"How did you break the glass?"

This drew a pause. It might have been a perfectly innocent question. But from overly-analytical Roxas, it wasn't.

Axel shrugged, "It started to slip, I tried to stop it, and... I don't know, I squeezed it too hard. Not a big deal, Rox."

"I-" Roxas sighed, seemed to change his mind, and conceded, "I guess not."

Part of that hurt. Part of Axel wanted to argue and fight and scream, to finally sort things out.

But he wouldn't. Because then Roxas would worry, and he didn't want the blonde to worry.

Roxas was already worrying.

* * *

Days passed; things returned to what seemed normal. Roxas still caught Axel staring, not just at him; off into space, at the healing cut on his hand. He always seemed so far off, and something in Roxas knew this was a bad sign. And he wasn't sure if he'd just forgotten or actually lost the reason, but he started watching Axel very closely.

It still took him most of the week to figure it out. And even then, it was only by chance.

"Make some tea."

Roxas was nearly behind in getting to work, rolling his eyes and responding, "I'm not sick, Axel, I don't need it."

"You will to stay not-sick," The redhead mused, adding more firmly, "Make some tea."

With a sigh, he started looking through drawers, asking over his shoulder, "Well, where are the-"

There it was. The little orange bottle, full of little white pills. And suddenly, the tea didn't matter so much.

"Axel," Roxas murmured, bristling at the thought, "This bottle is nearly full."

He received no answer. Turning sharply, he found Axel staring off again, somewhere near the sink, as if he hadn't heard.

Then softly, Axel agreed, "That bottle's nearly full."

Roxas turned it over in his hands, reading the refill date incredulously. "You're supposed to get another bottle this weekend, it should be almost empty."

"Yeah, it should be almost empty." Detached, vacant. Like Axel wasn't even there.

It made sense to Roxas. If Axel hadn't been taking his meds, his body would be going haywire from trying to equalize itself.

"Why haven't you been taking them?"

Axel ran a hand through his hair, finally turning to Roxas. "I don't want to take them anymore."

"So you just stopped?" Roxas forced his voice calm, continuing, "You've been taking them for eight years, and you just decided to stop out of the blue?"

"Yeah."

Bemused, Roxas sputtered for a moment, then asked, "Why?"

"I'm not convinced I need them anymore," Axel answered quietly. "I think it can't hurt to try going without-"

_You're an idiot!_ Roxas bit this back, saying instead, "Of course it can hurt! You can't ignore-"

"Why are you angry?"

Roxas stopped again, reminding himself that he wasn't Axel's parent, and replied, "No, I'm not angry."

"...You sound angry." Axel chuckled, a harsh, bitter sound that startled Roxas, adding, "You sound angry because I'm doing the same thing you are."

This drew pause from the younger. His eyes locked with Axel's. This time, he looked away first, grabbing his keys before responding:

"I'm not angry, Axel. I'm just disappointed." With that, he left.

He never saw the look of complete bewilderment his words caused, never saw the trembling and shaking in Axel's limbs. All he could do for a few minutes was stand there, in the kitchen, just he and the unused medication. Axel knew he couldn't stay there much longer. He had to get out of that apartment. He had to go.

Trying to be still, if it was in any part of him to be still anymore, he made himself move.

* * *

Sorry, another cliffhanger, but for the same reason as before. If I don't put this up now, it won't get up for a while longer, and it's already been more than a month. I'm on break next week, so look forward to the next chapter some time towards the end of that. Reviews welcome as always.


	16. Cattywampus

**Warnings: **Demyx swears. And throws stuff. And gets mean. But it's all good. Oh, and there's a bomb threat. But that's all good, too.

* * *

"I hate your campus."

Zexion smirked, arms wrapped around Demyx's shoulders. "Why's that?"

Leaning back against him, he replied, "Because the kids there are punks. They see my sitar and assume I'm some kind of starving artist. Girls flock at me, guys threaten to kick my ass. None of them notice the fact that I already did my time in university, and now I don't want anything to do with it."

"You don't have to come to the campus, you know," Zexion submitted quietly, light teasing in his voice.

Demyx considered this, deciding, "But I like having lunch with you. I'll stop when your superior gives you trouble."

"Because the dean cares about the goings-on of the head librarian," Agreed the other sardonically.

With a chuckle, Demyx explained, "Precisely."

After a thoughtful moment, Zexion tightened his embrace. "I like having lunch with you."

The blonde smiled, turning to kiss the underside of his lover's jaw.

"It's about time to get to bed, though," Zexion murmured, leading Demyx to their room.

_Doesn't get better than that,_ thought Demyx, but he was interrupted by the growling sound of a phone vibrating on a table.

Sighing dramatically, he responded, "A moment's delay- my public needs me!"

"Tell them you quit," Zexion offered bluntly, waiting for him anyway.

When he saw Axel's flash face on the ID, he knew it wasn't good. When Roxas's voice fed through the line, he knew it was definitely bad.

"Slow down, kid, I can't understand you."

"_Axel didn't come home._" Roxas's voice was shaking, like a chill had worked its way into his chest. "_When I got home and he wasn't here, I thought he just needed to cool off, but then his phone went off, and his supervisor said he didn't show up this morning, and he never came home. I just- I didn't know what else to do._"

Demyx rubbed his eyes in exhaustion, wondering why people only called him during a disaster, and never to just say hello. "What happened?"

"_He-_" A frustrated sigh, "_This morning, I found out he hasn't been taking his meds. For at least three weeks, maybe more. And we got into it and I-_"

"What did you say?" His voice crackled from fear, and Demyx made himself repeat, "When you found out, Roxas, what did you say?"

Roxas was quiet for a moment, then he answered, "_He asked me if I was angry, and when I said I wasn't, he said I sounded like I was angry because he was doing the same thing that I am. Then I said I was disappointed, and... Walked out._" And of this, he sounded a bit ashamed, echoing himself, "_I just walked out, and expected him to be here when I came home..._"

"You're an idiot," Demyx agreed harshly. "Just- fuck. Stay there, in case he comes home. I'll figure something out."

He closed the phone, staring at it before pitching it across the room. "Fuck!"

Zexion's hand slid carefully into his, easing some of the tension in his shoulders instantly. He turned, saw the worry in the crystalline eyes; took a deep breath, calmed himself down.

"I'm sorry," He finally worked out.

Which earned a tolerant, forgiving smile, as Zexion gathered Demyx's hands, wrapping his smaller set around them.

Then, quietly, "Go find him. I'll be here when you get home."

"Look, I-" Demyx fell silent, dropping his head to rest on their hands, adding, "Zex, it's more than that. Tell me to stay, I can call Reno-"

He felt Zexion's head against his own, rolling back and forth. "He's your best friend, Demyx, and he needs you. I won't- You don't have to chose between us. I'm not going anywhere."

_I can't possibly deserve him,_ the taller mused, trembling. "You should get some sleep. I'll come home as soon as I know he's safe."

"Take your phone," Zexion instructed, releasing him. "Call if you need anything."

He retrieved his phone, his coat, his keys. Zexion waited near the door, running an hand through his hair, revealing his entire face for a brief moment.

Demyx paused before walking through the door, kissing Zexion's cheek. "I love you."

Zexion caught him, sealing their lips quickly, "Be safe."

"Always."

He made himself leave, climbing into his car and driving away. Ten minutes or so later, Demyx decided he should pick a place to start looking. He went by the bar, by the park, everywhere else Axel had told him about since the redhead had moved to the city. He didn't think Axel would leave the city, but then, _we are right near the ocean._ A moment of contemplation, before deciding it wouldn't hurt to check.

* * *

Axel's car wasn't hard to spot on the empty seawall. Demyx parked beside it, looking down on the beach; it had one visitor, and Demyx felt secure enough to call Roxas.

"_Is he alright?_" Roxas asked, his voice calm, the way fear sounds in the middle of the night.

Demyx replied quietly, "I haven't talked to him yet. When he's ready, I'll bring him home."

"_I'm sorry I brought you into this._"

Unable to stop himself from rolling his eyes, Demyx retorted, "You don't get it, do you? You still have no idea what you did."

"_...No, I don't._" And he didn't sound too thrilled to admit the fact.

Staring out at Axel's figure, Demyx explained, "By saying you were disappointed in him, you're saying you expected more of him. You built him a box, and when he couldn't stay in the lines, you wrote him off, and it destroyed him. All this time, he'd been trying to be good enough to keep you there. Maybe not taking his meds was a part of that. You just showed him that it wouldn't work."

Roxas didn't respond. Demyx hoped he was thinking hard; he muttered something about getting Axel home shortly, and hung up, walking down the beach towards Axel.

Neither spoke for a long time. Axel didn't want it, and Demyx wasn't going to force it.

Then, in a void voice, "I should have known better."

"Don't do this, Axel." Demyx walked closer, sitting in front of Axel in the sand. "Don't make yourself do this."

Green eyes flicked to his, then out to the sea without a word.

Sighing, Demyx inspected his best friend carefully. It was a cold night, and he was shaking, but that was easily fixed. He'd seen the slashed palm earlier that week, and wasn't surprised at that; but Axel's knuckles were bruised, bloodied, and some of them looked broken, as if he had gotten into a fight with something much bigger than him.

"What happened to your hands?" He asked softly.

Axel stared at them for a moment before extending them. "I'm not sure." Then, when Demyx gave him a scolding look, Axel justified, "It's not that I don't remember, Demyx. I've been hitting walls and poles and pretty much anything else I walked by. I just don't know what I hit that cause the most damage."

"I guess we can be glad you haven't been losing time, at least." Demyx gently turned one hand, then the other, noting when Axel winced from the motion, "You probably broke a few of your knuckles. Your left wrist is sprained, if not dislocated. It's not hard to see you're let-handed. It takes all the abuse."

A mirthless, bitter chuckle from Axel, then, "Demyx, I... I should have known better."

"You did," Demyx coaxed, "You knew this whole time that something was going to happen. You'd just decided it would be worth it." When Axel didn't answer him, he stood, adding, "Come on. You'll freeze."

They ended up on the back of Demyx's car, wrapped in a blanket he'd had since high school. They sat there for a while, not saying anything. Demyx knew, better than anyone else sometimes, that Axel didn't need someone to try to fix him. He knew that there was no fixing Axel, not really. All Demyx could do is be there, and let Axel bounce off him.

"Is it worth it?" Axel finally asked.

Demyx considered this before answering, "I think you already know whether it is or not. Maybe it's hard to realize right now. Just think back to when you first met him. You thought it was worth it then. Think back to when you asked him to move in. You thought it was worth it _then_. And I bet you thought it was worth stopping your meds."

"But was it worth it at all?" Axel mused, "What if I've just been lying to myself this whole time, what if I just made myself think it was?"

For a moment, Demyx was silent. He took a deep breath, released it slowly, "If you were ever happy with it, Axel, it was worth it. If it doesn't make you happy anymore, you should let it go."

"I don't want to." His voice broke, head dropping, shoulders shaking as he repeated, "I don't want to let go. I don't want to hold on if it isn't worth it, but I don't want to let go."

Carefully, the blonde wrapped his arms around Axel's shoulders and pulled him close, sheltering him from the world. He hated seeing his best friend like this. Granted, it had been a while, and it had been worse. But every time it happened, every time they ended up like this, something in Demyx cracked, fracturing along his soul.

He hated seeing Axel like this.

* * *

Roxas heard the key in the lock, wide awake again. He walked out of the kitchen to find Demyx leading Axel in, both quiet and almost cautious. They stood there, the three of them, staring at each other.

"We'll need to bring down the swelling," Demyx instructed after a while, adding sternly to Axel, "Have a seat in the bathroom, we'll grab some ice."

Axel didn't have it in him to argue, nodding as he shuffled down the hall. When he disappeared into the bathroom, Roxas turned to follow; Demyx grabbed him by the shoulder, pushing him against the wall. Not hard enough to hurt, or even to make a thud, but hard enough to get his attention. Understanding, he followed Demyx into the kitchen.

He didn't say anything, at first. Grabbed a bowl, starting dumping ice into it. Then, his voice low, he offered, "Did you figure it out?"

"I don't know." Roxas rubbed the back of his neck, thinking aloud, "I understand what you meant, I think, but I- I don't know what to do."

Demyx paused, then resumed his task, tossing to Roxas lightly, "Are you willing to admit that you were wrong?" When Roxas seemed taken aback by this, he continued, "Wrong to be disappointed in him?"

"...I was wrong to say that," Came the quiet admission. "He's not a child, and he shouldn't have to live up to my expectations. I shouldn't want anything from him that he isn't already. I was wrong."

_There's hope for you yet._ More or less satisfied, Demyx handed the younger the bowl of ice, moving towards the bathroom.

Axel had already filled the sink half-way with cold water, letting his hands rest there hesitantly. Slowly, a handful at a time, Demyx scooped ice over him, trying to inflict as little pain as possible. When the sink was full, he and Roxas sat down, and the three of them began to discuss what should be done about Axel's injuries.

"You have at least three broken knuckles," Demyx recounted. "When the swelling goes down, we'll know about your wrist. You'll at least need a brace for a while."

Roxas added softly, "I told your supervisor you had an emergency, but I didn't know the details. You'll have to explain this to him when you get back."

Nodding, Axel cleared his throat before answering, "I've got a brace in the kitchen. Aerith works in the emergency room, doesn't she? We can head over there, she'll get us in and out."

"Okay, we'll leave once the ice is done." Demyx glanced at the time, adding, "Hands out, three minutes."

The reluctance was obvious as Axel slowly pulled his hands from the ice bath, muttering wryly, "It'd almost be better to get frostbite, at this point."

Demyx rolled his eyes and returned, "You say that now, but when you don't have hands, things get complicated."

"Fine, fine." Green eyes slid along to blue, Axel seeking Roxas. _Yeah. Things get a lot more complicated._

As he noticed this, Demyx checked Axel's wrist again, noted in an off-handed way, "Looks a lot better. One more soak and we'll go. I'm gonna grab the brace for the drive."

The two were left to themselves. Their eyes locked for what seemed like forever before Roxas looked away.

"I'm sorry."

Roxas's breath froze, his face heating up as he reprimanded, "You didn't do anything you need to apologize for."

"Then why won't you look at me?" Axel asked plaintively, sadness in his voice, a regret Roxas could feel like emptiness in his core. It broke the blonde's heart.

He stood in front of his lover, apologetic himself, returning his gaze, as he explained, "Because this is my fault. Because this wouldn't have happened if I hadn't jumped down your throat like I did."

"I should have told you." Ignoring the pain it caused, Axel wrapped his hands around Roxas's, adding, "Hiding the medication from you didn't help."

_Just let it be my fault this time, you idiot,_ Roxas chided tenderly, moving to surround Axel's hands, taking them back to the ice. "One more time."

Axel nodded, silent once more. He felt like they'd just gone in circles, and in the end, nothing had changed. But they'd said something. _We might be going in circles,_ He decided, _but at least we're moving._

Suddenly he felt Roxas's lips pressed to his forehead.

"I'm sorry." Trembling, aching, watery.

He wouldn't look at Axel, and from that voice, Axel knew why. For the same reason, Axel couldn't look at him.

Demyx, posted in the hallway, attentive as always, smiled, in that exhausted, relieved way. He crept away, pulling his phone from his pocket.

Just after two in the morning. Zexion was probably asleep. _Might make it home in time to make him breakfast.

* * *

_

The emergency room wasn't packed, but Roxas was a bit surprised at the number of people there. Then again, they'd reached the early hours of Friday; given the population (a few half hung-over college students, a woman ready to pop out a baby, and an elderly gentleman fidgeting quietly), it wasn't too surprising.

Aerith, an old friend from earlier years, was indeed on call that night, and told Axel that he would be seen just after the mother-to-be was checked out. The three sat quietly for a while, but Demyx found himself drawn to socializing, determined to learn each party's story, in order to take something away from the experience.

By the time Axel was able to be examined, Demyx was twenty minutes into a conversation about the dangers of drinking around stuffed wolverines.

Roxas would never forget this advice. And Axel would never forget his expression in response to it.

Hours later, Demyx got them both home; one of his many late-night connections had gone for Axel's car, and it now sat in its usual spot. Axel would call his supervisor, inform him of his injuries, and would take the two weeks off allotted to him as vacation. Demyx didn't feel the need to watch the pair for the next few hours, and expected that they could sort things out.

Sincerely, he hoped they could sort things out.

* * *

It was almost five in the morning when he was in his own home again. Stealthily, he worked his way to his bed; but it was empty. His mind growing fuzzy from relief and exhaustion, he walked back towards the living room, moderately certain he knew where the object of his affection had taken residence.

And sure enough, Zexion was more than half-asleep on the couch. When he realized Demyx was looming over him, he snapped back to consciousness, eyes wide.

"When did you get here?"

Demyx stumbled around, crawling under Zexion, holding him like a teddy bear to his chest before answering, "Just got in. I was _trying_ to be quiet so you wouldn't wake up, since I _told_ you to get some sleep. But you were _not_ in bed, and I had _no _idea where you were, but- _here_ you are. _Wide_ awake when you have work in _hours_. For shame, Professor."

Zexion didn't say anything for a while, trying to gauge how tired Demyx was by his emphasis on every fifth word or so. In then end, he just kissed the blonde's chest.

"...That's not a good excuse," Demyx informed him.

With a soft chuckle, Zexion conceded, "Would you feel better if I told you they closed campus, so I don't have work in hours?"

"Hm? Why'd they close the campus?" Came the warm, sedated inquiry.

In a similar voice, he answered, "Something about a fire or a... bomb threat or something."

"Hmm." Demyx was more than gone by that point, coming back enough to murmur, "If you get blown up, I'll kill you."

"As long as it's after sex, I won't complain."

Demyx had very nice dreams that morning.

* * *

Wow. This was a quick update. I love spring break. But when it takes me a while to update again, please, don't take it personally. I'm in my last stretch of schooling, and this is never the easy path. In related news, two more reviews and this story will have more than any of my other stories. Hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	17. Capitulation

**Warnings: **Um... No, I think we're good this time.

* * *

"I can feed myself, Rox."

"Not really. You tried that already."

"Okay, I dropped the spoon once-"

"Then sat and swore for five solid minutes."

Without further argument, Axel allowed himself to be fed.

His hands had returned to a swollen state (though not nearly as bad as they had been), which evidently impaired his fine motor skills, making many things (like eating) difficult. To his own credit, Roxas didn't guilt himself into trying to do everything for Axel; for the most part, he just watched and helped when asked. But he couldn't ignore the obvious in this case.

Quietly, he added, "Not to be ironic, but you have medication to help the pain, you know."

"I remember. But I won't," Axel answered after he'd finished his bite. "Specifically because of the irony. I don't want to be attached to painkillers because I had a hard time letting go of antidepressants."

Roxas agreed, with a soft sigh, "Can't say I blame you for that. You could take aspirin, though. Not habit-forming, and it would take the edge off."

"Later," Axel replied in a voice that was more dismissive than conceding.

_Don't argue,_ Roxas reminded himself, continuing to feed Axel. _His life, his choice._

Seeing this internal response, Axel murmured after a moment, "Thank you."

With a pause of his own, Roxas warned, _Don't tell him you feel responsible,_ and responded, "Don't worry about it. It's why I'm here."

"Haha, so you can clean up my mess?" The other asked teasingly.

This brought a quiet smile, and an even quieter answer, "So we can take care of each other."

"...Guess that only works when we admit we need to be taken care of, doesn't it?" Axel mused a bit sheepishly.

_Don't agree with that. Don't let it be his fault._ Roxas shrugged, rinsing the empty bowl as he disagreed, "Even that doesn't work, unless we feel like asking for help is okay."

Axel stared at his back, watching him, thinking back to when he met Roxas. _He's changed so much since then._ Maybe it was all in his head, but Axel couldn't help but think so. He thought about Roxas that first night, frustrated and feral and firm. Sarcastic and solitary and shameless.

Even a week from then when he'd made the first crack, when Roxas stood and fought and shouted, demanding Axel to answer him.

Resolved to not give in, resolved to maybe give in, and finally, _finally_ giving in.

He seemed so much softer now; gentle and tender and sweetly pliant. Like there was something to their life that appealed to him, and he'd settled down to have it. Like some kind of wild animal who wandered into a camp and decided to stay there, locking his nature away and adopting more domestic features. Like Axel had broken him down.

Before he could stop himself, Axel walked over to Roxas, standing practically over him. Then, defeated, he rested his head against the blonde spikes, sighing softly.

"Am I different, Roxas?"

_Wait. _He took a deep, slow breath. _Think before you answer_. He wasn't sure when this wiser voice happened, but Roxas followed its advice. Because his first instinct was to say no, that Axel was exactly who he'd always been. But that wasn't true, it wasn't possible for that to be true of anyone.

Another deep breath, then, "I think so."

"How?"

Part of him knew it was going to sound harsh. But Roxas owed Axel at least that: honesty. "You hesitate. You try to avoid conflict by biting your tongue, even when you want to speak. You used to get so worked up about things you cared about; now you keep that passion closed off, because you're afraid you're going to be told you're wrong to feel that way. You're afraid to be every part of yourself."

"Did I change too much?" Axel asked, swallowed quickly before adding, "Am I too different?"

One hand slid upwards, wrapping around the back of Axel's neck. Fingernails scraping lightly over the soft flesh, sending tremors all over his body.

Holding this position, Roxas replied, "The changes you've gone through haven't ruined you, Axel. You do what you have to. You think you have to tiptoe around me because I-"

"It isn't your fault," Axel interjected in a low, breathy voice.

With a soft smile in spite of himself (because he secretly loved that voice), Roxas murmured, "Let me finish. You think you have to tiptoe because I could leave, and you don't want to lose me. But you're afraid to tell me, because I've never wanted to hear it. And when you tried to tell me, I... I still didn't want to hear it. And ultimately, that's why we're here."

He took a handful of the red locks, lifting Axel's head so he could turn to face him, continuing tenderly, "You're changing to keep me here."

"And if-" Axel pressed his lips together, watching the floor intently, "And if I stop changing, will you stay?"

_Loaded question_. Roxas traced swirls and designs on Axel's chest as he answered, "If you stop changing, yes. If you keep changing, yes. If you go back to who you were, yes. I'm comfortable with you."

His eyes closed firmly, as he forced himself to say, "That's not a reason to stay, Roxas. "

It was Roxas's turn to pause, to swallow, to press his lips together. _Just tell him the truth._

"Axel, I don't want to leave."

* * *

Demyx took his turn the next day. Roxas went to work (to bring home the bacon), leaving the two elder boys to their own devices.

Like Roxas, Demyx was willing to give Axel all the space he wanted, without coddling him. Unlike Roxas, Demyx was making Axel go out into the world.

"We're going adventuring, and you're going to like it," Was his considerate invitation.

And who was Axel to disagree? He grinned quietly, asking, "Anywhere in particular?"

"If you put a hippo on a string, is it a blimp?" Replied the other, which Axel gathered meant 'no'.

He wasn't complaining. It had been forever, he realized, since it had just been the two of them hanging out. Not that he would complain about that either, but he would be glad for a few hours of childish antics, hindered as the would be due to his hands. Partially because he knew Demyx wouldn't instigate deep conversation until later in the day.

The first place to which they ventured was a duck pond near the university. For some odd hours of morning, they broke up and threw pieces of bread at the docile campus pets, who weathered the abuse with good nature, occasionally ruffling their feathers as if offended, but nothing more. They did get a few odd looks from bystanders, but they were used to that.

After that, Demyx corralled him into some strange road-side oddity show. What was famed to be proof of alien life turned out to be a mutated calf (upside down), various things to be felt in boxes identified as food or animal pieces. They proceeded to have a conversation with one of the adolescents there about the nature of such attractions, which somehow deteriorated into the potential of starting a band of pirating gypsies to take over the world and institute a barter-system using Twinkies as currency. A wise plan was concocted, but called off for lack of species-confused space-cows.

Lunch turned into a picnic on the top of the public library's clock tower; they hadn't grown up in this town, but it was a common stop during vacations because of the beach, and every time they were amok, they snuck to the top of the building for mischievous purposes. Axel managed to not fall to his death, a fact Demyx found to be a sign of the apocalypse. Silliness was rampant.

When Demyx laugh drifted away, though, Axel could see things were going to be serious for a moment.

"So," The blonde started in a nonchalant voice, "How's home?"

Axel considered this, answering in kind, "It's a bit quiet, I guess. I mean, we talked, a little but it looks like we need more than talking."

Nodding to the response, Demyx continued softly, "Sometimes it takes a while to get through hurt. You two have been lucky so far."

"That's one way to put it," Axel chuckled, not unkindly. "It's true, though. The last time we got anywhere close to this was when he lost my name, but we bounced back from that pretty quickly, thanks to Rikku and Reno having a baby and Saix being a dick... Maybe it's because they were actions, choices this time. Maybe that made the difference."

Demyx glanced down at the city below before responding, "Then it's going to be an action that fixes it. A choice to make it work."

"How long were you with Zexion before you told him you love him?" Axel asked after a moment.

Thoughtfully, Demyx smiled. "Just over four months."

_Wow._ But then, he was always able to admit things more easily than most. "Why so soon?"

"...It was Thursday, and it was raining," Demyx started, leaning away from the ledge. "He paints in the park on Thursdays. I'd gone up to the campus for lunch, and he was kinda bummed about not being able to paint in his usual spot, because there wasn't any cover. I offered to hold an umbrella for him, and he- _laughed_, for the first time in four months."

Axel was smiling now; it was easy to imagine that feeling, when suddenly a break in the mask appears.

Demyx continued, "He laughed, and looked at me, and said, _I've never met anyone willing to stand over my shoulder in the rain._ And I just stared, and told him I'd be willing to do anything for him. And then I just said it. Zexion froze for a second, and turned red, which baffled me- but he couldn't say it. And I knew that. I still know it."

"What happened?"

After a light sigh, the other answered, "I told him to take his time, that I understood if he wasn't ready to say it. I was; but if he wasn't ready to hear it, I would stop. Three weeks later, the transformer gave out, and when I said something about having to go home until they were back up, Zexion asked if I would stay with him instead. So I did. And, well, here we are."

"Here you are," Axel agreed. "So... when did you know?"

"Know?" Demyx laughed, a bit sheepishly, "Know that I was absolutely crazy about him, that I'd kill and die for him? Let me ask you this: do you know why I moved here?" Axel shook his head, so Demyx continued, "We came over for spring break our last year of university. You had that really bad sunburn, remember?"

Now Axel laughed, adding, "When I couldn't move, unless I had to puke?"

"Exactly, for three days," This with a wry grin, "So I went into town to get something to fix you, and I literally ran into Zexion. He tripped down the flight of stairs I was climbing, and I caught him. When he realized what happened, his first instinct was to offer me a book in response. All he had with him was '_Brainwashing is a Cinch_', and I asked if giving it away was part of the method. And he laughed. And I knew, right then and there, that it was too late. I had to have that laugh."

His voiced trailed away for a moment, and Axel knew that he'd gone back to that day.

Then Demyx continued, a bit more flippantly, "The decision was easy after that. Finished my term, worked for a while in Hollow Bastion, then took that money and got a place here. Of course, I didn't know where to find him, considering I didn't even know his name, but those seemed like insignificant details. I just waited, and in time, I found him. Returned his book, and got a date."

"And the rest just sort of happened?" Axel supplied teasingly.

Running a hand through his hair, Demyx nodded. "That's the best and worst part about life, Axel. It happens."

"Doesn't everything?" Murmured Axel, his voice softer as he added, "Especially to us?"

With a warm, quiet chuckle, Demyx answered, "Not everything. I've been lucky too, so far."

"Yeah?" This almost sarcastically, thinking back on everything Demyx alone had gone through. "How do you figure?"

"Haven't lost anyone yet."

Axel fell silent; Demyx continued, "Still got you. Still got Zexion. Things haven't been bad enough to ruin that. I'm grateful."

"That's what keeps you going?" Axel asked softly, "Knowing things could be worse?"

"Knowing it's worth it," Demyx countered, striking a nerve in the redhead. "If I have to deal with stupid college kids, I will, because spending time with Zexion is worth it. If I have to drive around until five in the morning, I will, because making sure you're safe is worth it. If I know, at the end of the day, that I've done what was needed to keep us intact, it's worth it."

Pressing his lips together for a moment, Axel questioned further, "So what should I do to keep us intact?"

"You and Roxas?" This made him think for a while before answering, "Bend. You both had the right idea at heart, you just missed the mark. Be willing to be ridiculous, to be humbled. To let go."

_Let go... Let go of what?_ Axel stood as well, responding as he stretched, "I guess it's time to start hitting the mark, then, right?"

Demyx nodded with a slight smile, "Yeah... Speaking of which, how's your wrist doing?"

"Fine," As they started back towards the stairs, "The swelling's gone down a lot, I probably won't need the brace much longer. Even my knuckles are healing pretty well."

"Good." Demyx had a feeling that, as long as Axel was still injured, his relationship with Roxas would be as well.

* * *

Roxas was already home when they got there, tending a pot on the stove. As soon as the smell hit Axel, he shot Demyx a look, and knew he could smell it too.

Potato soup.

He offered the pair a hesitant smile, welcoming softly, "Almost done."

"The anticipation is killing me," Axel teased, returning a warm grin, adding to Demyx, "You might want to stay for this, Dem."

Demyx chuckled, answered, "Nah, I got my own housewife to placate. I'm gonna head ho- Oh, did you tell him about Saturday?"

Silence, then, "No."

"What about Saturday...?" Roxas asked, glancing between them.

Axel answered sheepishly, as if he'd forgotten, "It's his, um, birthday."

"Of course he didn't think to tell you," Demyx mused dramatically, "Never mind the fact it's been the same day for the last ten years. Hair-color-ist."

Before Roxas could ask, Axel explained simply, "Don't ask about the hair-color-thing."

"...Sure," This as he rolled his eyes, "So what about Saturday? You two have plans?"

"We four, actually," Demyx answered as he shoved Axel out of the way, "You and Axel, me and Zexion,we have plans to get irresponsibly drunk. Well, not Zexion, he doesn't drink, but you get the picture."

Here Axel interjected, "You do have the choice to stay home-"

"-But I'll be personally offended if you do," Demyx slid in carefully, adding over his shoulder as he left, "But hey, your choice. Be good, kids."

When the door had shut behind him, Axel murmured, rubbing the back of his neck, "You know you don't really have to go."

"I know." Roxas reached for the cabinets behind him before elaborating, "But I want to."

Axel watched him fill two bowls, settle them on the table, before carefully directing him to a seat. _Is this what being four feels like?_ When Roxas returned with a spoon, Axel, disregarding the slight pain it would cause, wrapped his hands around his, drawing him close and snaring his attention. Roxas waited for him to act, or speak, or anything at that point.

"I'm glad you want to go," He finally managed.

Roxas's smile was almost bittersweet; carefully, adoringly, he brushed his lips over Axel's knuckles, wary of those broken.

"Do you need me to feed you again?" Teasingly asked he after a moment.

With a smile of his own, Axel answered in mock frustration, "No, I'm a big boy, Roxas. I can handle it."

This made Roxas pause thoughtfully, but quickly he sat down to his own food. In the end, he allowed himself to respond simply.

"I know you can."

* * *

I'd just like to say this chapter went a lot better than I expected (and planned) it to. It was also quite a bit shorter, but much more involved, so I think it balanced out. Demyx's birthday is coming up, yes, but no, I don't know exactly when. I'll be honest, I probably won't get the next chapter up in a week. I'll try my best.


	18. Appeasement

**Warnings: **Um... Reno goes to Prison... for prostitution... and drugs... and Axel gets pregnant... YEAAAAAH... But no, not anything worth warning about here.

* * *

There was something oddly calm about the ocean that night, crashing gently against the rocks. The sun had already set, but people were still playing in the surf in the late grey of the day; laughing, chasing, dogs and babies competing for the attention of their parents. Summer was still a few weeks away, but die-hard beach bums had already arrived.

Roxas had to admit he was surprised. He'd never been much for the beach, mostly for fear of jellyfish. From his perch on the outreaching deck of _Oblivion_, though, safe from the gelatinous monstrosities, he was starting to like understand why Sora practically lived here for their entire childhood. Taking another quick sip of his drink, he couldn't stop a smile.

"You look like you're in a good mood," Axel murmured, hands sneaking around this waist, pulling him away from the weathered railing.

He rolled his eyes before answering softly, "You don't have to sound so surprised. I'm not terribly unreasonable."

"Of course you aren't," This as he pressed a kiss on the soft flesh behind Roxas's ear.

"Hey now, none of that," Demyx called, hassling the two of them and dragging Zexion behind him. "This is a family establishment."

Axel laughed, demanding sardonically, "Right, because the fact that Reno's over there taking body shots off his wife is completely kid-friendly."

"It might make them have another kid, so maybe," Demyx conceded.

Roxas glanced behind them, seeing Rikku for the first time, musing lightly, "She doesn't look like she just had a baby."

"He's right!" This incredulous and teasingly frustrated as the elder blonde stared unabashedly. "Three weeks later and she looks like she just got out of the military."

"She wouldn't last two days in the military," Axel agreed wryly, "But she does look good."

The pair watch her a while longer, before Demyx turned as an afterthought and decided, "I still prefer Zexion," wrapping his arms around the smaller and carrying him off down the deck.

Axel ran a hand through his hair sheepishly as he realized his words could have been misconstrued into attraction to his brother's wife. "Got carried away, did we?"

"I'll let it slide," Roxas shrugged, turning back to the water. Seeing Axel leaning back against the railing beside him, he added, "I almost drowned once."

His voice was soft, reflective, and Axel had to answer in kind, "Yeah?"

"Yeah. I was fourteen." He flexed his back, hearing a satisfying symphony of pops before continuing, "I was a lifeguard at the community center. One day a group of kids were rough-housing, and one got pushed in and I had to go after him. But as soon as I hit the water, I just... I'd lost swimming. Couldn't even float. All I could think was _this kid's going to die because of my amnesia._"

There was a slight tremble in his voice; just enough to notice, but not much more than that. Axel did notice, of course. All he could do was wait.

With another sip of his drink, Roxas finished lightly, "Luckily, Riku was there- not that Rikku, my friend-"

"I remember," Axel assured, smiling in spite of himself.

Unable to stop himself from returning the grin, Roxas explained, "Just checking. Anyway, Riku was there, and he saw me sink, so he jumped in, grabbed the kid, then came back for me. I had the sense to hold my breath, but then I passed out. By the time he got back to me, I needed more than CPR to get going again."

"Did the kid make it?" Realizing this was a risky question (in case he didn't), Axel was about to retract it, but Roxas nodded.

"Yeah, he was a bit shaken up, but he was fine." This with a relaxed chuckle, "He was thrashing around so much he was practically swimming... I haven't been in the water since, though."

Axel reached out, curling languid fingers around his dainty chin and turning Roxas to meet his gaze. Something about those blue eyes seemed quieter, seemed more resolved than ever to do whatever he had to so things like that wouldn't happen again. To make sure people could rely on him without being in danger. A softer, calmer color than Axel had seen in a long time.

Then, playfully, Roxas rolled his eyes and wondered, "What?"

"Do you miss swimming?" He asked, releasing his hold easily.

Sighing in that I-know-you-were-thinking-something-else-but-whatever way, Roxas replied, "Sometimes, yeah. Closing my eyes and just floating into space. I mean, I only swam in pools, so I can't claim 'the call of the sea' or whatever you want to call it, but there was something almost therapeutic about it. I miss that part of swimming."

_Makes sense,_ Axel thought, though he had to ask, "Then why not learn to swim again?"

"I was-" Exasperated, more with himself than anything, "I _am_, still, afraid. I admit I do some dangerous things, but the idea that doing something good almost killed me has me spooked."

Axel considered this before asking, "Do you ever get spooked about me?"

Roxas glanced out over the ocean for a moment, then answered, "Yes."

While he wanted to press the subject, Axel didn't want to press his luck; so, taking a thick swallow of his own drink, he began, "So I was thinking-"

But he heard a familiar tune start from inside the building, and paused to listen. When he finally recognized it, his eyes grew wide and moved instantly to Roxas, who was smiling again.

"Axel!" This from Demyx as he rushed back towards him, Zexion still dutifully in tow. "Axel, can you hear it?"

He gave his best friend one better by singing along, "_I see the faces, the blessed and damned, but they're all the same-_"

"I hope you don't mind," Roxas explained with teasing nonchalance, "But I took your tapes to a friend of mine and had them remastered and converted to digital. The CDs are in the car. Happy birth-"

Ecstatic, Demyx threw his arms around him, squeezing the air from his lungs as he exclaimed, "Thank you!" Freeing him, Demyx added to Axel over his shoulder as he dragged Zexion inside, "KEEP HIM."

The redhead laughingly observed, "I think you just won yourself some points, Rox."

"Well, I'm pretty sure I've got a lot to make up for, as far as Demyx is concerned." He was laughing too, adding a bit more calmly, "Yours is at home. And there are copies for Reno and Rude, too."

Axel pressed his lips to Roxas's forehead, replying warmly, "Thank you."

"Is it just me or does it seem like Zexion would rather be home?" Roxas asked to change the subject.

Looking carefully towards the dance floor, Axel responded, "For the most part, I think he'd rather be anywhere but here. Except for right now."

Roxas followed his stare, and couldn't help but agree. Demyx was holding his lover close, moving ever so gracefully back-and-forth, smiling as he sang along with the music. Even in the dimness of the structure, he could see that Zexion's face was flushed and adoring, in such a hesitant way that made Roxas wonder how he put up with Demyx's affectionate gestures.

"Me too."

As he turned to glance at Roxas, Axel asked, "Think so?"

"Well yeah, that," He threaded his fingers through the red locks, pulling Axel down for a kiss before elaborating, "I'd also rather be here than anywhere else right now."

Then he turned away, almost as if to leave. Axel quickly pulled him back against his chest, breathing deeply the scent of salt and sun in Roxas's hair.

Softly again he whispered to his heart, _I love you, I love you, I love you._

* * *

When a knock came at the door at two in the morning, Axel couldn't decide if he was more surprised that he heard it, or that Roxas didn't.

But it came again, louder; he immediately and stealthily crept from the bed to the door, opening it with surprise.

"Your IDIOT brother," Said his psychotic sister-in-law, "Got in a fight at _Oblivion_, so you need to watch Corrine while I go get him."

Axel stared at her for the longest time, not believing the bag of supplies, not hearing the instructions, only aware that she had handed him a very-breakable bundle of flesh.

It hit him as she closed the door behind her. Corrine was wide awake, watching him from he car seat with a highly skeptical look which Axel wasn't sure he didn't deserve. He decided to leave her in the seat for as long as possible, hopefully causing her to fall asleep. They sat opposite each other on the living room floor.

Then she started to fuss. He rocked her.

Then she started to cry.

He scooped her up from the fastenings, bouncing her one way, then another, rocking her, all in vain. While she was quiet, her cries pierced the silence of the night. The last thing he wanted was-

"You know, most people collect stray animals."

-to wake up Roxas. He flash him a sheepish grin.

Approaching the unlikely pair, the blonde continued, "Stray babies aren't nearly as popular."

"I can see why," Axel agreed as Corrine continued to cry. "I think I broke her or something."

Roxas glanced at her, then turned on the light. She began to soften her screams, replacing them with another watery glare towards Axel.

"Kinda small to be afraid of the dark, aren't you?" Axel demanded of her, which prompted an indignant squeal.

Tolerantly, Roxas pulled her away from him and chided, "Don't tease the baby, Axel."

Corrine seemed confused by the chain of events, and resumed a quiet fussing. Roxas heaved her against his chest, supporting her easily as he patted her back. She fell silent, considered this for a moment, then began to relax against him. Without missing a beat, he glanced over her shoulder and caught sight of the diaper bag.

"Make a bottle?" He asked lightly.

Axel moved to do so obediently, fishing out a canister of formula and an empty bottle. Having mixed the powder with water to a warm, even consistency, he returned to the living room to find Roxas cross-legged on the couch, Corrine cradled in the crook of his elbow. He reached out for the bottle, and quickly popped it into the baby's mouth.

Flabbergasted, Axel sat beside him, wondering, "How the hell did you do that?"

"I wasn't afraid of her," Roxas answered sardonically, then a bit more honestly, "At three weeks old, she'll want to eat every couple of hours. If she's awake, she's probably hungry."

He seemed unconvinced as he stared at his niece, adding, "I think she just wants to make me jump."

Roxas chuckled, shifting her a little. "You were already jumpy."

As he continued to examine the pair, he deflected, "She's almost cute when you hold her."

"She is cute," Roxas insisted, watching the bundle drift to sleep. "Once you get past the screaming, babies can be damn adorable."

With a conceding sigh, Axel relented, "Fine, so she's cute. Doesn't mean she likes me."

"Doesn't like anyone when she's hungry," Roxas explained.

Contemplatively, the redhead brushed a hand against the back of Roxas's neck, musing, "You take care of me when I'm sick, you cook me hot meals, and you save me from infants... Are you sure you're not some kind of superhero? Like a ninja-nanny or a hyper-housewife or mega-mother-in-law in disguise or something? "

"...I guess I lied to you." Roxas turned to Axel as he continued, "I mean, not _lied_, but I- when my amnesia first started acting up, people thought they needed to take care of me. Roxas, come inside or you'll get sick. Roxas, don't wander off or you'll get lost. I started taking care of myself, just to prove that I could, and eventually, it just became second nature to take care of anyone else that needed it."

Axel wasn't sure what to think about this, trying to understand what Roxas meant. He finally asked, "When was that a lie?"

"I said I didn't want to depend on someone." Roxas pressed his lips together and elaborated quietly, "I don't like depending on people. But I like having people depend on me. I want to be useful. Even if I can't do everything, and I know I can't, if there's something I can do, and by doing it I can make things better or easier for someone, I want to do it."

He could feel the back of his neck heat up, and knew that Axel could feel it too from where his hand rested. He even knew why; he wasn't an open person. Roxas didn't lie to Axel, he didn't sneak around behind his back, but even after two months (_Wow, two months?_), he still had a hard time admitting things. He downright hated it sometimes.

But he was trying. He owed Axel that, at least, didn't he? _Try. Roxas. I think you're supposed to try._ Wasn't that what Axel had said?

"I think you have a guilt-complex," Said Axel now, as he moved his hand away from the red flesh.

Roxas could only nod. "A bit of one, yeah."

For a moment they were both quiet. Then Axel ever-so-carefully pulled Roxas and Corrine into his lap. _Roxas does great things for me,_ he thought. He was still terrified of babies, but something about the whole picture, about watching his niece shift and settle against his lover, appealed to him. Something about it made him want a family. Maybe. Someday.

"If it helps at all, Rox," Axel murmured, all tenderness and trust and love and hope, "I've never needed anyone like I needed you tonight."

With a gentle smile and soft sigh, Roxas answered, "You're an idiot."

"You and Demyx both seem to think that," Axel agreed as he smiled in kind, "But that doesn't change anything."

Roxas hated how comfortable he was. Hated how quickly he was falling asleep. He replied teasingly, "Would having two people passed out in your lap change anything?"

"Maybe a little." Axel chuckled, adding when he realized just how far gone Roxas already was, "Do you want a family, Roxas?"

The blonde took a moment to yawn, relax closer against Axel, then responded, "My only fear in having children is whether my amnesia will follow them. I do want a family. Sometimes, I think it'd be worth it."

And with those few words, dear children, Axel agreed. _It's worth it._

* * *

It was nearly daylight when his phone started to chirp. He considered letting it go, but he wasn't about to risk Rikku's wrath.

"Hello?" He crumbled into the receiver.

"_Oh fuck, I was so sure you died._"

Rolling his eyes, Axel asked, "Is your kid a terrorist already, Reno?"

"_Um, well, no_," His brother replied more easily, "_But you never can tell with you, yo._"

With a good-natured laugh, Axel answered, "I can always tell with me."

"_So Corrine's alright?_" Reno pestered, "_I couldn't believe Rikku dropped her off like that, I just-_"

Moving back to stare at Roxas, now stretched out with Corrine on his chest, Axel reassured, "Yes, she's fine. Roxas is surprisingly good with children."

"_Good. I mean- yeah, good, 'cause you would have died by now._" Reno said something to his wife before adding, "_We'll be by to get her in an hour or so, alright?_"

Axel yawned and replied quietly, "Take your time. No hurry here."

"_...I think this kid might fix you, Axel._"

* * *

In other news, this chapter feels much shorter than it should be. But I think it's a respectable length; I've certainly had shorter chapters. I'd also like to reflect on how it took me over a year to write 18 chapters, which span to only two months in its own universe. Anyway. Thanks for reading, reviews are nice. I always respond, I promise I do :)


	19. Acquiesce

**Warnings:** Mansex. There, I said it. It's been a while since we had some sex, so here you go. More later.

* * *

Late Sunday night, Axel finally realized Roxas wasn't in bed. Again. He hadn't gone far, though; just to the window on the other side of the room. Just staring, watching the stars, thinking.

The redhead crept softly to him, wrapping his arms around the slim waist and pressing his lips to the back of his neck. "You okay, Rox?"

"Yeah, I'm alright," He replied, and he sounded so. After a moment, he offered, "When I was little, I found a book that talked about how each star is a different world. That people just pretend they're balls of fire because that makes them feel safer, because there are shadows on those worlds that are slowly swallowing them. If those shadows ever make it here, we'll go out."

Axel considered this before answering, "Seems like a depressing book for little kids."

"My dad thought so, too," Roxas chuckled wryly, adding, "But it also said that there are stars inside us, whole other spectra of light and goodness that can fight off the shadows. I think that gave me something to hold onto for a while, when things with my amnesia started to get really bad. As I got older I lost it, you know, like a lot of people lose things from their childhood. But I had it."

With a gentle smile, Axel pulled him closer and responded quietly, "And that is what has kept you up tonight?"

"Don't be a jerk," Roxas pushed against his shoulder, spinning around with a smile of his own. "But yes, it's got me thinking again."

"Anything you want to talk about?" Axel asked, brushing fingertips over the curve of the other's lips, the rise of his cheeks.

Roxas's smile faded, just a little, but he nodded. "What happened with the medication, that got me thinking that your mother may have been too quick to decide the shadows in you were too much for you to handle. And I think that I was too quick to agree. I still don't know a lot about you, Axel, but I know there's something in you that has kept you going, and I think-"

He faltered, paused, then continued, "I've underestimated that, because I don't have anything like it inside me. I don't understand how you can keep going like you do, I think- I'm almost jealous."

"Kid, don't-" Axel pressed his forehead against Roxas's, staring sweetly into his eyes (_Gods, those eyes..._), "Don't be jealous of me. I've never once had to go through what you do everyday."

Somehow he knew Roxas wouldn't accept that, and when the response came, he wasn't surprised; "We all have our demons, Axel. Yours might not be as apparent as mine, but they are as dark."

"And we might deal with them differently," Axel returned carefully, "But we both made it this far."

Roxas pressed his lips together before answering, "And we've each got our far share of marks from them."

"Well, I don't know about you, Rox," This with an infectious, almost teasing smile, "But I'm a big fan of scars and tattoos."

Kissing the corner of his smile playfully, Roxas informed him, "I've been meaning to ask about those."

Axel felt Roxas graze over the black marks on his otherwise flawless skin, and replied with a sheepish chuckle, "Believe it or not, I used to be a pretty timid kid just trying to get along in the world without being noticed. When I grew up, and found Me, I was... I guess I was ashamed of who I had been. Then, you know, went through such a long phase of not wanting to be that person and denying him-"

"Typical kid stuff," Roxas agreed.

With a sardonic roll of his eyes, Axel continued, "Well, after a while, I realized I would always have some of that timid kid in me, and I wanted to remind myself that he wasn't so bad. These tattoos were a way of showing who I always was, and who I always will be; and that, while I can't change the past, I'm not what I've done."

Roxas had settled his head against the redhead's neck, tired before midnight for the first in a long time. Smiling, warm and safe. It was a strange emotion, he thought, but one he was learning to enjoy and even expect from being around Axel. Which scared him, no matter how he looked at it, but he was far too tired to worry this night.

"You don't talk about your childhood that much," Axel mused softly.

His cheeks were garnished with a red glow as he answered, "I don't like to talk about it. I'm scared that the things I remember aren't the way things happened and I just forgot pieces." When Axel said nothing (_What, no witty response?_), Roxas added, "But I'm trying to- I don't know, I guess I'm just trying. I said I wanted to try, and I'm sticking with that."

"I'm glad you're trying," Murmured he against Roxas's ear.

Because Axel knew 'trying' was as close to 'love' as he was getting. And with the younger ever-so-carefully wrapped around him, Axel was ready to take whatever he could get. Something about loving Roxas made him patient, made wanting him feel more like wanting him to want. Hadn't Demyx said something like that months ago about Zexion? "_I want him to __want__ to say it._"

His thoughts were interrupted when Roxas teasingly nipped Axel's neck, wondering, "Why aren't you in bed, anyway?"

"You just looked so appetizing in the moonlight," Axel replied in kind, continuing, "And my mark is fading, and we can't have that."

With a laugh, Roxas taunted, "Well, I have work tomorrow, so you've got about an hour to-"

"Don't doubt what I can do in an hour," Axel replied, capturing Roxas's mouth with his own.

Roxas couldn't help but smile against his kiss, sliding arms around his neck and just trying to breathe. He leaned into Axel, felt his fingertips racing along his spine and ribs. He would always have a hard time wrapping his head around it; just a week ago they couldn't make eye-contact, and somehow they had come back together even closer than they had been.

It didn't make any sense to him, and it went against everything he had told himself. _People break under stress_. And he had to admit, they'd broken. But this was putting the pieces back together, wasn't it, even if they didn't fit the same? This was them making things work, because they wanted things to work, and wasn't that what mattered?

Axel carefully lifted Roxas from the floor, sitting him on the sill and pressing him against the window. The chill of the glass pressed back, sending waves of tremors over him, battling the heat that Axel was giving and causing. He was moving so slowly, though, so lightly and so transiently that Roxas almost doubted his ability to finish whatever he was starting in an hour.

But green eyes had found his, and everything was still for a moment; everything was soft and innocent and trusting.

Then Roxas tipped forward, brushing his lips over Axel's, a game of tag initiated and joined and in the end abandoned for more sensual caresses. Axel pressed a line of kisses to Roxas's neck, finding his one mark on the blonde's body- because it had been tempting to leave many more. This one bruise was his to touch and press and harass.

Once he was asked why he bit. He didn't have an answer then, and he wasn't convinced he ever would. But he knew why he bit Roxas; the reaction. When his teeth closed around it again, squeezing gently, not even enough to brighten the skin, he felt Roxas arch against him (he loved this part), and heard the sharp intake of breath against his ear.

As he pressed tighter, practically tasting the accelerated pulse, the gasping moan that followed shortly- for these moments, Axel would never let that bruise fade from Roxas's neck.

"You're _such_ an asshole," Roxas growled, dragging him possessively from his collarbone, kissing him hotly.

With a smirk, Axel answered in kind, "I've still got forty minutes. Scold me later."

Pulling him into his arms again, Axel stretched Roxas out on the bed, hands wandering everywhere except the area he wanted the elder to touch. And it was wonderful, the frustration, the friction of _there, dammit_ and _not yet_. His entire body ached, and even Axel could feel it, the way a spring feels just as it's about to give. _Don't you dare stop, I'll kill you if you stop._

But while Roxas was trying to find a way to relieve the tight, suffocating feeling, Axel was doing his best to draw it out. And he had the wickedest idea to accomplish this. Carefully, Axel pulled Roxas's arms above his head, making sure he had his attention. And oh, did he have it; Roxas had instantly focused on the actions, eyes cleared and questioning and very frustrated from the game Axel had started.

Axel saw this and kissed him fervently, hands holding the other's in place still. Then, softly, he risked, "Keep those there."

When he pulled his hands down, Roxas's stayed, and he was relieved, because there was a distinct possibility that he would kill Axel for assuming such a maneuver would work. The redhead slid his hands down over Roxas's ribs, grinning when he shook and flinched but kept his hands away. This gave Axel a new kind of high that he wasn't sure he understood at first.

It was painfully clear when his hand brushed over Roxas's upper thigh and even that slight touch had Roxas arching his back and gasping and fighting to not move his hands. _More than overpowering,_ Axel found himself thinking, _more than possessing._ Not because he can't fight, because he doesn't want to. Keeping control, but giving control, but able to take it back and not.

Poised over him, Axel finally wrapped his hand around Roxas's cock, squeezing and grinding and rolling, eyes locked firmly on the blue ones opposing his. Watching his face heat up, those sweet, abused lips parted and trembling, feeling the blood rushing through his and Axel's own body. Were there two bodies at all, were they connected somewhere and sharing blood and breath?

Roxas groaned out warningly, "Half an hour."

"Okay," Axel teased, pressing a careful digit into the taut blonde.

A surprised cry slipped from him, followed shortly by _oh-fuck _and _dammit-Axel-there_. Which made him grin, inwardly as Roxas had control of his mouth. Roxas was so demanding.

Second finger, and a third without hesitation. Roxas was practically hyperventilating, trying to push himself closer. Every stoke, every thrust slow and hot and Gods-what-was-that-word. Axel bit him again, more softly than he had before (knowing the blooming bruise wouldn't need much stimulation). Dragged fingernails over his sides and abdomen, marveling for what seemed like the first time at the well-deserved, tight muscles that coated the slight frame. He was shaking, and Axel was shaking, and it was probably a miracle neither had collapsed.

It was probably a miracle too that Roxas hadn't tore holes in the sheets, as tightly as he was gripping them, hands held dutifully above his head. Axel paused to examine them, knuckles white and flinching and wrists locked painfully. With infinite mercy, Axel reached for the frustrated appendages, bringing them close enough to kiss each fingertip. When he released them, Roxas threaded one through the red locks possessively, the other to finally return the torturous caresses, pulling himself against Axel, trying to kiss him and breathe and-

Axel pulled away. Withdrew his hands, propping himself completely above the younger. Roxas stared at him, eyes wide, growing more and more outraged.

With a wicked grin, Axel explained, "Hour's up, kiddo. You've got work-"

"I'm going to kill you," Roxas agreed, sitting up himself, shaking still as he added, "I am going to fucking-"

Dropping just enough to brush their lips together, Axel offered, "Well, if you didn't have to go to work in the morning, I think we could work something out."

_Gods, that's a trap._ Axel had never given up on the idea of Roxas not working, for whatever reason. They both knew he couldn't just sit in the apartment all day and- _Just fuck me, dammit._ Roxas was the one to cave this night, scrambling for his cell somewhere near the alarm clock. Axel's hands had resumed their torment, keeping their stopping point apparent.

Roxas didn't care that it was the middle of the night, as was obvious when Saix answered the phone half-asleep, "_H'lo?_"

"Saix, it's-"

"_If you're calling in for tomorrow, Strife,_" Saix informed him, "_Don't bother. Go get your check at the end of the week and be done._"

Axel heard this, and he searched Roxas's face for any indication of a decision. In that moment, Roxas knew it didn't matter what he told Saix, Axel would yield to him simply because he'd called. But he knew too that Axel had put him before others before. He knew that choosing Axel over a job he really didn't need, but wanted in a not-wanted way, would prove something he wasn't yet sure he understood.

"Roxas-"

Having realized this, Roxas decided, "See you Thursday," closed his phone, and let it slide away from his hand.

By the time the device hit the floor, Axel was wrapped completely around Roxas, pressing closer, ecstasy racing through him. Roxas held to him fiercely, refusing to let the elder sneak away again, aching and desperate and slowly losing what was left of his sanity. He still wasn't sure what had happened, and even before the call, he wasn't sure why he'd complied when Axel had positioned him. But at the moment, with Axel tenderly and passionately claiming his body and- something, capturing something more than that. At that moment, he knew he was where he wanted to be.

"Roxas."

He took hold of that voice, following it to Axel's eyes, waiting for him to continue.

_Don't say it,_ Axel hated having to remind himself so. _Don't you dare say it, not now, not yet. _But he wanted to, so badly it hurt, it ached. But Roxas had chosen him, hadn't he? And didn't that mean something, didn't that prove that Roxas wanted to be there with Axel? His head hurt, his heart hurt, and the only thing that would stop it was so far from his grasp-

"Axel," Roxas murmured sweetly, kissing him, needing him; then, breathlessly, "Please."

Tremors raced through him again. No matter how much he wanted something, no matter how frustrated he was, Roxas would never beg. Even please, simple as it was, was rare (in the given situation). He would demand it, and if that didn't work, he would just take it. Or ignore Axel until he caved. And Axel had to cave now, and was all too glad.

Finally he eased into the blonde, his chest burning from the contact, his back chilled from lack thereof. A wanton moan slid from Roxas's throat, devoured by Axel as he sealed their lips hungrily. They found their familiar, comfortable rhythm without difficulty, the pair knowing just how to move, how to arch and touch and _Don't you dare stop, I'll die if you stop._

And there was that feeling again of tightness, of too tight, of being played with for far too long and winding him so far that he was going to snap. When he did, when everything shook and shattered and fell to pieces in the most gratifying way, Roxas felt his throat close and his breath stall, everything tight and constricting and perfect; that was all it took for Axel to join him.

When his breath returned, Roxas found himself kissing Axel's thready pulse, remarking with such teasing softness, "So much for an hour."

"There's still five minutes left," Axel replied in kind, chuckling at Roxas's bemused expression. "You can't keep time when you're provoked."

He tried to move away from his lover, but quickly Roxas ensnared him, arms and legs wrapping around the slim build. Caught off guard, Axel relaxed again, locking stares with Roxas, unable to stop himself from thinking _I love you_ again. After a moment, Roxas glanced away, almost sheepishly, the red on his cheeks not solely from their recent activities. It was startling, in a way, this sudden behavior.

Some part of Axel understood; kissing him again, he offered carefully, "We're fine, Roxas."

"I just-" And that was as far as he could manage, being unsure what he meant. Sighing in something like defeat, he answered, "I know."

But quietly he admitted to himself, _I love him._

And it scared him.

* * *

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahem... Anyway. This was not what I had planned. But you see, I'm getting ready to be gone for somewhere between five- and seven months, and will not have internet, so I thought to myself, "Self, you can't post the chapter you planned." It would drive you all crazy.

So I wrote this instead. Not planned, but now that it's over, necessary. As always, thanks again for all the reviews, followers, and faithful readers.


	20. Volatile

So I didn't take forever and a day to update this story! Yay! I want to leave a longer note at the end of this chapter, but... well, I'm not ready to own up to it yet.

**Warnings**: It, um... it ain't pretty. And it don't look to be getting any better, believe it or not. But just- just trust me on this. We're almost done.

* * *

There was something peaceful about Axel as he slept on his work. Luxord considered leaving him there, especially given the supervisor wandering around who, at any moment, could find the redhead and give his office away to someone awake (say, Luxord); in the end, though, he reached out and shook his cohort's shoulder.

"Wake up, punk."

Axel opened his eyes quickly, grabbing a drafting pencil and paper and trying to look engaged. Then he stopped, glanced up, and grinned.

"Thanks."

Luxord rolled his eyes, asking, "You know for the last four months, you've been falling asleep at your desk. Staying up late partying?"

"Nah, no parties," Axel answered, taking a drink of cold office-coffee.

"Baby-Momma-Drama?"

With a half bark of laughter, he replied, "No, none of that either."

"Noisy neighbor sex?"

By that point, all the nearby stations were staring (Luxord's voice tended to carry), and Axel found it extremely hilarious, so of course he responded, "Close, but not quite."

Mischievous smirk apparent, Luxord wondered, "Oh, so it's a noisy BEDROOM that's the problem!" Without giving him a chance to confirm or deny, the other turned and announced to the office, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you our new Department Debauchee, Sector Slut, AXEL! Located in Office 8!"

With that he wandered away to alert, no doubt, any of several other sectors. Axel chuckled, resuming his work, until a shadow fell across his desk.

"So... Why are you the Department Slut?" Asked a gruff and amused voice over his shoulder from his supervisor.

In mock offense, Axel informed him, "I'm hurt! That would be Department _Debauchee_, thank you very much, Xigbar!"

"Yeah, sure, okay, just answer the question," Xigbar said, shoving him anyway.

Axel shoved him back, answering, "Luxord decided that me falling asleep at work meant I'm a whore, apparently."

"Is he right?" Xigbar asked, more discreetly than the previous inquisitor.

Shrugging in a neither-here-nor-there manner, Axel answered, "Nah, I just... I go home to the same person every night, and um-"

"You make the most of every night." Xigbar supplied, grinning and nodding. "Nice. Just try not to let it bothers your work too much."

Watching him leave, Axel boasted, "What, this ole thing? Nah, I'm like two days ahead of schedule. I'm fine!"

Returning his gaze to his desk, he couldn't help but smile. Stationed at the corner of his workspace was a small framed portrait. Well, portrait may have been the wrong word; it was a sketch, rough and racing, with color haphazardly thrown into the curves. It came for Axel in the mail a few weeks after his knuckles and wrist had completely healed.

"_Don't tell Roxas I sent you this! Think of it as a thank-you for getting him back to himself. ~Naminé :)_"

So he hadn't told his lover, even as they neared six months together, though neither of them felt the need to mention it. A soft smile as the news took notice of the change in seasons, the gentle press when it came time to renew the lease. The ease of it was fascinating to Axel, but he didn't push it.

The sketch of them curled up on Axel's couch was all the redhead needed.

* * *

"You used too much salt."

Giving Roxas a shrewd look, he retorted, "I should just quit my job and go to culinary school."

"You'd burn it down," The younger grinned, adding, "Besides, someone has to bring home the bacon."

"So I can pretend to learn to cook it _properly,_" Axel muttered teasingly, brushing his fingertips against Roxas's neck before asking, "So what about this salt?"

Roxas moved the broth around listlessly, tossing over his shoulder nonchalantly, "Grab a potato."

_Potatoes._ Axel rolled his eyes and retrieved the starchy vegetable._ Of course._ When he returned to his lover's side, he wondered, "What now?"

"Now we fix your broth," Roxas answered before pulling Axel by his shirt collar to kiss him.

Axel returned the caress, smiling against Roxas's lips and asking, "This is how we fix it?"

"Yes," Roxas replied, tapping the potato, "This was just a gimmick to surprise you. But peel it, to keep up appearances."

He loved it. Every moment with Roxas was making him stronger, making them stronger. In turn, they had each relapsed, more than once, but since that night, since watching his niece and since Roxas had left his job, somehow it was all a sign that trying was working and if they kept trying, they could make it work. And now each knew that was what the other wanted.

"Okay, peeled potato," Axel returned triumphantly, wondering, "Now is there some sort of incantation or magic spell to-"

Roxas took it and unceremoniously dropped it into the pot. "Don't touch it."

"...That was not what I expected," responded the other.

With a teasing chuckle, Roxas explained, "The potato absorbs the salt. We'll pull it out before we add the rest of the chicken. There's hope for you yet."

"Mmm, that's good to know," Axel decided as he wrapped his arms around Roxas's slim waist. "I was beginning to worry you might leave if I didn't get this right."

"After the fiasco with that melted chocolate two weeks ago," Taunting and scornful, "You should know your kitchen failures just make me stay."

Sighing, Axel murmured roughly, "Which makes me think burning down a culinary school is a good idea."

"You thinking burning anything is a good idea," Roxas disagreed, leaning against him for just another moment before stepping aside. "Now step away from the stove."

Unable to resist his demanding blonde, Axel rolled his eyes and did as instructed. "I won't burn down the apartment, Rox-"

"Watched pot doesn't boil," Roxas explained with a softer tone than he meant.

Part of him was still nervous. He was researching again, looking for other cases of cured amnesia, other methods of treatment. In a way, it felt good to try to stop forgetting again. It was still nerve wracking, though, to wonder what he would have to do if he found out there was no saving him. Axel was the difference this time; he refused to let Roxas be afraid alone.

Everyday he came home, and, even when he was exhausted and exasperated, he would smile and kiss Roxas's fingertips and neck and any other part he felt was neglected. And there was something in the way his hands and lips lingered, as if he was trying to commit the feel of Roxas to memory every time. Something about that ache made the younger think this might work.

Axel sat at the kitchen table with a patient sigh, asking, as he sometimes did, "Any new leads?"

"I went up to the university, with Zexion," Roxas answered, reaching into the fridge after the milk. "There's a group doing a study on post-traumatic stress disorder and repression, and one of the leaders of that group came by to give a presentation. Some of the information made sense- well, I mean, all of it made sense, but only some of it was relevant."

_Don't stare, you creep._ But he couldn't help it; Axel watched the slim body he worshiped move so gracefully around the kitchen. "What, were you beaten as a child?"

"Well, no," Roxas replied with a bemused laugh, locking eyes for a moment before turning to retrieve a glass, "I mean there was something to the memories being repressed, not lost. I mean, that could mean that the memories are still there and they're just buried. Changes things, right? I never thought to try to recover any of them, I just-"

He turned back, intending to join the redhead at the table, but Axel was right there, staring at him, as he did sometimes. It still made Roxas nervous, but differently than it used to. He was afraid of slipping, of admitting out loud what he had to himself months ago: _I've gone and got myself in love with this idiot_. Because it was bad enough, knowing it himself.

Telling Axel would be the sword of Damocles in his fragile reality.

"You just?"

The breathy sound of Axel's voice drew a like tone from Roxas as he answered, "Got distracted..."

He received a warm chuckle in response. He loved that sound. The way Axel sealed their lips together, how he wrapped his arms around the small of Roxas's back and pulled him close, all of it was dear to Roxas in ways he didn't yet understand. And it was terrifying, and wonderful, and his entire body ached when he thought about it.

When he pulled away with a grin, Axel mused, "About burning down the apartment?"

"Oh, shit, the broth," Roxas untangled himself from his most favorite distraction, scampering back to the stove.

Axel chuckled again and followed with a teasing, "And you talk about me and my failures."

Roxas shot him a glare over his shoulder, but answered with a wry grin, "We got pretty close on this one. But this is a good sign, you're learning to multitask."

"Unlike some people," Axel agreed, "who can't pour milk and finish a train of thought."

"Just get your ass over here and finish the damn soup."

* * *

Work was becoming the bane of Axel's existence. But it had to be done, he thought to himself, rolling from bed. He glanced back to find Roxas still asleep, and this made him smile. Though Roxas had learned to let his guard down while awake, and even to sleep in, the peace on his face in sleep was unparalleled. Axel tried to be as quiet as possible as he readied for his day.

Despite his efforts, though, when he returned with his coffee, Roxas was blinking haphazardly from his pillow.

Sheepishly grinning he asked, "Did I wake you?"

"Kinda, yeah," Roxas answered, in that in-a-way-but-not-entirely voice that proved he was working on falling back asleep. "Don't worry about it, though."

Axel knelt beside the bed, smiling as Roxas smiled, and answered lovingly, "I'll try to not let it eat at my soul."

"Mm," Was his eloquent response, brushing his fingertips over Axel's cheek as he added, "Be careful driving today, the roads get bad in this weather."

_You're such a housewife_. Deciding this was not something to say aloud, he just kissed Roxas's fingertips, then forehead as he answered, "Got it memorized. See you tonight."

"Okay," Roxas was already mostly asleep, his eyes sliding closed as Axel left.

From the front door, he added, as he sometimes did, "Love you, Rox."

* * *

"Don't know why I'm making so much."

Roxas rolled his eyes, talking to himself over a pan of spaghetti sauce. It did seem like an awful lot, but it had seemed natural to make so much. And at the time, he wasn't feeling too inclined to fuss over it; things had gone less than spectacularly this day. He'd met again with the project leaders that had presented the day before, but they'd more or less ignored his questions.

They'd instead asked if he would participate in a _study_, which was something he'd managed to avoid his entire life and with which he didn't want anything to do.

So resolutely he'd come home, to an empty apartment and cold stove. _Dinner always helps,_ he thought, and had set himself to the task.

When the door opened, he froze. _I locked the door._

"Huh," Came a voice, "Weird."

Turning sharply towards it, Roxas found himself face to face with a complete stranger. When the green eyes found his, a cascade of emotions rolled through them.

Something like contentment. Confusion too, _Maybe about the door?_

After a brief pause, concern, but then...

Comprehension.

"Hey. Roxas."

The blonde managed to stay calm as he asked, "Who are you, and how did you get into my apartment?"

"I-" He paused, ran a hand through his bright red hair, before trying again, "My name is Axel, and this is going to be hand to believe, but we... This is _our_ apartment. We live together."

_You can't... No._ Roxas shook his head, pressing his lips together and murmuring, "I don't believe this."

"Well, you can't blame me for trying," Axel answered softly. He started in, but stopped, asking, "Can I come in and show you something?"

Roxas motioned him in, turning off the stove and adding, "What, you have proof?"

"That's not... I wouldn't call it that, I guess," He replied quietly, walking through the living room and over to the hallway to the bedroom. "I'm just hoping it might help you see that I'm not crazy."

He saw the pictures. Some were of him and Sora and Naminé and everyone he grew up with, he'd expected those; but the others were of the redhead, and of his family, his friends. And there were even a few of _them_, out with Naminé or Demyx or both, as time went on. And Roxas saw the pictures, and couldn't imagine the wall without them, and knew.

"Damn."

Axel agreed, "Yeah, I know."

Rubbing his eyes, Roxas wondered softly, "You're too calm for this. Which means you know what happened."

"I told you, kid, we live together," Axel couldn't help the mirthless chuckle that followed. "And what's more, we've lived together for six months."

_Six months? _He could only stare incredulously for a moment, then cleared his throat and asked, "Can we- will you start from the beginning? I know this isn't easy-"

His voice broke off when Axel walked away from him; when he realized Roxas wasn't following and was just watching him go, he said, "You were making dinner, right? We shouldn't let it get cold."

"Oh. Oh, right." Roxas followed, almost demurely.

When they were beside each other again, Axel offered carefully, "I know it isn't easy for you, either; and if you want to walk away from this, I understand."

Roxas could only stand there, confused, but he continued, "All I'm asking is that you give me a chance"

"To what?"

Axel was staring at him, and Roxas was amazed at everything he found in that gaze; tenderness, despair, hope, want, and something he was half-tempted to call love, but was willing to call stupidity.

Then with a bittersweet smile, Axel answered, "_I_ don't want to walk away from this. I don't want to walk away from you. I want the chance to prove _that_."

Shivers up his spine. He swallowed, nodded, and walked towards the kitchen.

* * *

"Wow... six months."

Rolling his eyes, Axel couldn't help but smile. "Six months."

"And we-" Roxas chuckled, relaxing after hours of talking to the other, "We slept together, and two months later, _after_ I move in, we actually call it a relationship?"

With pretend defensiveness, Axel retaliated, "Don't go snickering about that, it was the most dangerous conversation I ever initiated with you!"

"You're serious?" He shook his head and asked with slight contriteness, "Am I that unreasonable?"

Axel paused, but answered honestly, "I think we both are, in our own way, now and again."

"Sounds about right," Roxas murmured contemplatively, adding, "But since your brother went to jail and all that, nothing really traumatizing?"

He let himself get distracted for a moment by the look on Roxas's face, far away and thoughtful but comfortable. He answered softly after a moment, "Right."

Roxas glanced at him, and found his glance lingered. "So, um... I guess now we just have to decide what we're going to do."

"Yeah." Axel sighed, agreeing, "Yeah, that's the next thing on the list."

Shared silence. The redhead remembered these moment, as he'd remembered that expression. They reminded him of the first few weeks, of when Roxas didn't want to get involved, when he didn't want Axel to stick around and just wanted to get on with his life. Axel was terrified that they were going back to this; after so long, he'd forgotten how to live with it.

_Though come to think of it_, he amended to himself, _I can't really say I was living with it before._

It had almost killed him.

"I think I-" Roxas took a deep breath, continuing, "I think we need to realize that things don't just go back to how they were after this."

Axel nodded noncommittally, hating the way this was starting to sound.

Taking this as an invitation to lead, Roxas steadied himself and resumed, "You said you don't want to walk away, and I- it's crazy, but I want to believe that."

Which meant everything to Axel.

"I want to believe you're not crazy, that you're good, and that-" This with almost a hysterical laugh, "_whatever_ we had was important to you, I just-"

_'Just'_, which meant the end, which meant a waiting ax.

Roxas paused, turned to Axel, and carefully said, "I do believe you, Axel. I just don't know what that means yet."

Axel looked away. Tried to keep from breaking down. Replied, when he could, "Let's just take this one day at a time, then. If it gets to be too much, we'll go our separate ways."

"... Okay."

Roxas didn't know why he was doing this, or even why he'd done it in the first place.

But he had. And that was enough of a reason to trust Axel again.

He hoped.

* * *

"What are you doing?"

Axel froze, glanced about him, and replied sheepishly, "Well, um... I thought I'd sleep on the couch tonight, in case you weren't... comfortable with it."

"You-" Roxas pressed his lips together, stopping himself and remarking instead, "You should sleep in the bed. You work in the morning."

Shrugging in a neither-here-nor-there manner, Axel answered, "Nah, tomorrow's Saturday. Weekends off."

"Oh. Are you sure...?" Roxas shuffled nervously, which was not at all something he liked, "It doesn't matter to me, and I fit on the couch more easily-"

With a chuckle, Axel nodded. "I'll be fine. I'll see you tomorrow, alright?"

"Yeah. Alright."

After he turned down the hall, and Axel heard the door shut, he added, as he sometimes did, "Love you, Rox."

* * *

Roxas rolled over. Again.

It was damn-near half-after midnight, and he couldn't sleep. For the life of him, he couldn't figure out why. He was on his stomach, stretched out like he normally was, and for some reason it felt wrong. So he rolled over, onto his side, then to his back, his other side, and prone again. And he just could not get comfortable.

_Maybe it's because it's his bed,_ He thought, glancing towards the door. _Or our bed, I guess. Maybe it's him, maybe I'm still... _used_ to sleeping with him._

He watched a shadow pass in front of the door, as he had a few times, confirming that he was not the only restless inhabitant that night. Or the night before, and before that. Three days. They'd managed, a feat Axel told him was nothing new for them. But each night, he'd gone to bed, and Axel to the couch, and he couldn't keep doing this. Deciding to set aside his confusion, he braved the living room.

Axel was sitting on the couch, head in his hands. He looked hung over, and defeated, and desolate. And it bothered Roxas; no, it hurt. It hurt Roxas to see him like that.

"Um, Axel-?"

The redhead jumped up, instantly, vigilant as always. "Yes?"

"I can't-" With a small laugh and smile, Roxas asked, "Can you come show me how we slept? I can't get comfortable."

His request drew pause from Axel; not because he wasn't glad to do so, but because he wasn't sure what it meant. He hoped it meant that Roxas had been right, that the memories were still there and just barely out of reach. His body obviously remembered Axel, and he would do anything to tie Roxas's body and soul back together.

Even if he had to do it one tiny thread at a time.

"Yeah," Finally answered he, with a shy smile and a quick step. "Of course."

* * *

He'd fallen asleep within minutes, head on Axel's chest, one hand interlaced with his. Axel was fighting it himself, because this was something he'd missed. He felt the warmth of Roxas's body soaking into him, as if to soak into his very bones, and some childish part of him wanted to soak up every ounce of it, so he could carry it with him everywhere.

Axel knew Roxas hadn't slept in days. He knew it as well as he knew Roxas had seen him awake. It was written on his face every morning.

So he knew the younger would sleep through him murmuring, "You are the most stubborn person I've ever known." Which garnered no response; he continued, "You make me doubt everything I've ever thought about myself, about how the world works. And you don't apologize unless you're dead certain you're wrong."

"And that's why," This with a small smile, "I'll never be able to tell you. You'll just tell me I'm wrong, but I... I'm done doubting this. And if I never get to tell you this, I'll say it to you once."

Carefully, gently, tenderly, he pressed his lips to Roxas's forehead for the first time in a lifetime.

"I love you, Roxas."

* * *

And... yeah... Review and send death threats.


	21. Complementation

This is the longest chapter so far. A paragraph away from being nine full pages. I haven't written this much since the first chapter. More later, though, moving on.

**Warnings: **Roxas disguises anger as suicide. Which isn't as bad as it sounds, don't worry, he doesn't actually die. He also begins to lose his mind. And um... No, that's about it. No mansex. Sorry.

* * *

"_I don't know what I'm doing, Dem. He doesn't remember me. Any of me. I'm so scared I'm gonna lose him._"

The fear was tangible in Axel's voice when he called. In a way, they all knew this could happen. Roxas had tried to use it as rationale, Axel had brushed it off, and (though he wouldn't ever say so to Axel) Demyx had warned of it. Nothing could have prepared them for it, though. Roxas couldn't change it. Axel couldn't prevent it. And Demyx was cleaning up the mess.

He was shaking, forcing his voice steady as he responded, "You're doing the best you can. He can see that. He believes in you."

"_But all he said was he _wants_ to believe me,_" Axel countered harshly, unable to manage the control Demyx had, "_If he changes his mind, I- Gods, Demyx, I don't know what I'd do, I... I love him, I can't lose him._"

Demyx would have broken his heart to pieces to take the pain from his best friend. All he could say was, "I know, Axel, I know. You'll be okay. You'll get through, just like you always have. I know it."

* * *

That was the first night.

When he told Zexion the next day, he took it better than Demyx had; and the blonde had worried, because, against all odds, Zexion and Roxas had clicked in a very strange way. Both were the more reserved of their respective relationships, both shy in a way and bold in another. Zexion had been a great help to Roxas in his research.

"We were just at the university the day before yesterday," He mused, a quiet to his words that worried his lover. "I _saw_ him yesterday, I didn't... I didn't see it."

Shaking his head, Demyx murmured, "Don't do this to yourself, Zex."

"Don't do what-?" But then he stopped, and thought, and allowed a soft, breathy chuckle and smile. "I know, I'm sorry." Zexion wrapped his hands around his and added, "I just can't believe it happened."

_And if Zexion can't believe it,_ Demyx thought, _Axel's in for a rough life._

He pressed his lips to their clasped hands tenderly. "I wasn't expecting it, either. They've been together for so long, I didn't think he would. And he didn't even register the fact that Axel lives there. He says he can't really remember moving there, he just remembers coming home to the apartment. Like Axel hadn't been there at all."

"But he is there," Zexion coaxed. "He stayed and talked and, because he did, Roxas wants to listen. They'll be okay."

Demyx chuckled softly, "You sound like me, when he called."

"I've seen what happens to you when Axel gets hurt," Zexion explained. "You need comfort as much as he."

_Then tell me you love me,_ Demyx thought, instantly ashamed of the childishness of the thought. He gave Zexion a small smile, replying, "You're too good to me."

Zexion kissed him, replying, "No, I'm not."

* * *

Naminé came over Monday while Axel was at work. And when Roxas saw her face, he knew it was far worse than Axel had told him.

"Are you going to stay?" She asked after some time.

Roxas glanced away, then back, answering, "I don't know what to do. I mean, I just- I don't know. I don't want to stay just because I don't want to leave. It's not fair to him."

"So are you leaving?" She retorted.

"I didn't-" He sighed, a frustrated reaction as he tried to think. "I don't know! I'm so confused!" He was pacing around now, motioning as he explained, "I mean, this whole place doesn't feel right when he's not here. Everything looks lost and wrong and empty. I keep trying to remember, to think that maybe if I try hard enough I can see him here from before, but I... I can't. It's gone."

She stood, walked over to him, made him stop. Wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close.

He returned the embraced, adding, "Why is he still here? Why did he stay? I don't understand."

"Roxas, you know why he wants to stay with you," She answered.

Which made no sense to him. "I don't, Naminé. Who was I, that he thinks it'd be better to stay and start all over than to just move on?"

"You." Naminé pulled away from him and noted, "You're different now, you know. You've changed so much since you met him. And even though you don't remember him, I can still see those changes."

A bark of bitter laughter broke from his lips, and he muttered, "Enlighten me. I don't see anything."

"Have you slept with him?" She asked curtly.

Roxas, abashed, replied hesitantly, "Slept together, or-?"

"Sex, have you had sex?" Naminé continued, "Because it only took you a matter of hours to do so before, so I'm sure by now you-"

"No!" Completely caught off guard by her extremely forward question, he demanded, "Why, does that mean anything?"

For a moment, she didn't answer. Then, softly, "It means you aren't willing to use him like you had."

He considered this; and as he did, Naminé considered him. She hadn't seen him like this, ever. He hadn't lost someone so completely since she'd known him, and he'd never really wanted to talk about losing Sora. There had been something in his voice when he called, and now she saw it in action. Roxas had tried to avoid this; and now that it happened, he was seeing why.

But for some reason, he wasn't able to leave it behind. And it scared him.

"It's different this time," He reasoned. "He's- using him after this long, it wouldn't be right. It doesn't matter that I don't remember, it still happened. I won't use him."

_Not even if I want you to? _

Roxas froze, remembering those words, knowing them; but the voice was his, and he didn't say them, _knew_ they weren't his. _What the hell is going on?_

"That's what I mean," Naminé said, oblivious. "You might not remember it, but the last six months have changed you. Time with Axel has changed you, and him. And that's why he stayed."

He managed to calm his mind enough to ask, "Why?"

"Because he's bettered from being with you," She explained. "He's more himself because of you. And he loves that. And he loves helping you become more yourself."

A bitter chuckle slid over his lips, and with a sad, almost feral smirk, he replied, "So am I more myself now, not knowing him?"

"...You're still here," She presented. "That means something, doesn't it?"

* * *

When Axel came home, he hesitated in the corridor, wondering if Roxas would still be there. Hoping Roxas would still be there.

_Gods, let him be here._

"That you?"

His breath rushed out in relief; quickly he recovered and answered, "Yup, Flurry of the Dancing Flames, present and accounted for."

"Flurry of what?" Roxas asked tilting his head as he found Axel.

Who laughed, and answered, "I was a delinquent when I was a younger man,. And I got around to tagging; spray painting, you know? Anyway, Demyx decided I needed a handle to go by since I couldn't very well go around signing it, being that is indeed frowned upon. So he looked at one of my tags, and came up with Flurry of the Dancing Flames."

Roxas laughed with him, but sobered a bit and asked, "Did I already know that?"

The redhead stopped, confused at the question. But then he glanced away, pressed his lips together thoughtfully. _Will he always ask that?_ And could Axel blame him, for wondering?

But he smiled softly, fussed with Roxas's hair as he walked by, answering, "Nope."

"Axel-" He bit his tongue, but when he turned and waited patiently, with a most tender look on his face, he asked, "Would you tell me, if I did?"

Nodding easily, Axel replied, "Of course."

"Why?"

He rubbed the back of his neck thoughtfully, then with a patient sigh answered, "I don't know what _else_ to do. I don't know what you want, so the best I can do is be honest. I guess I owe you that much."

Which sounded so familiar, which hurt, but Roxas just glanced away and nodded with a quiet, "Okay."

Axel saw this, and decided to move towards the bedroom and offered, "So any luck today?"

"I don't know. I mean," Roxas answered, following, "I'm still thinking there's something to that repressed memories thing."

Not paying any attention, Axel began to change out of his suit as he responded, "Didn't you say they invited you to do a study?"

"Yeah, but I..."

Suddenly he was distracted by the gentle form of Axel's body, the tautness of his muscles, the slope of his shoulders and curve if his spine. It wasn't familiar to him, which he expected, but he ached for it, which he didn't understand. His mouth was dry, his heart a bit quicker than it had been. He shouldn't be this hungry for him, not so soon.

_Because it only took you a matter of hours..._

Axel had caught him staring, and stared unassumingly back; but Roxas hadn't noticed yet, and subconsciously licked his lips. And that one mannerism sent chills down the spine he was admiring. It was pure, unadulterated want. An instinctive action, one filled with something like suppressed want and passion. And Axel was powerless before it.

Then Roxas saw him watching, quickly glanced away. "Yeah, but I don't want to go."

"Oh."

With his eloquent response given, Axel continued to undress and change. In fear for his composure, Roxas walked away from him, turning his back and sitting on the edge of the mattress.

He cleared his throat and asked, "What do you think about it?"

"I think that it's possible," Axel answered, adding, "I actually think it's pretty plausible. And I think you should go."

Roxas felt the hair on the back of his neck stand on end, and he questioned further, "Go?"

Silence; he didn't dare look. When he saw the elder move beside him, he stared up into the green eyes he wanted to remember, which reflected something in them. Regret, almost. And Roxas had to wonder if the same emotion was in his own eyes, if he was apologizing and Axel was only a mirror.

Axel stood in front of his would-be lover, apologetic himself, returning his gaze, as he explained, "I think you should do the study."

"They didn't even listen to me," Roxas reasoned, "And it won't do any good if it's for their own agenda."

Unable to argue with that fact and aware of it, Axel replied, "It's your choice, Roxas, and I'll support it. But I still think you should go."

Roxas knew the other was being reasonable. Hell, he could be reasonable, too. But then, he didn't want to.

"Well," Roxas stood and walked back towards the living room, "If you're gonna support me whether you agree or not, I'm going to jump off the balcony."

Now Axel was angry.

He stormed along behind Roxas, demanded, "What the fuck are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying," Replied he sardonically, "That you need to stop acting all polite and correct and stick with what you think."

"Oh, so now I'm supposed to tell you _Get your ass down the that study_, right?" Axel laughed, a sharp, bitter sound, "Gee, how could I have not known that I wasn't supposed to not run your life!"

Roxas turned with a glare and answered, "I didn't say run my life. Just fucking make up your mind. Either you want me to go, or you don't. You shouldn't support a decision you think is wrong."

"It doesn't matter what I think!" Axel admonished, "It's your life! Your damn decision!"

Again Roxas walked away. "Then why even offer your opinion?"

"YOU ASKED FOR THE DAMN THING!" Without giving him a chance to respond, Axel again demanded, "What the fuck, Roxas, you're being a little bitch."

Which made Roxas stop. Consider this. And then, with a shake of his head, he replied, "Maybe you're right."

"Roxas-"

The blonde looked at him, but then walked right past him, back to their room.

"I gotta go."

_No..._ Axel was paralyzed by those three words, and after a moment he followed in a daze. _Please, no..._

Roxas was packing. He was calm, calculating, precise. And for the first time in over six months, Axel saw a glimpse of the Roxas he'd found in the bar. When he was finished, he walked back through the hallway, sliding around Axel without comment. At the front door, he stopped and looked back. Axel was watching him, still unable to protest, but trapped helpless as his golden heart prepared to walk out of his life.

Then Roxas sighed, glanced away, and muttered, "I just need some time to think. I'm not leaving, I'm just going."

He half hoped Axel would say something. He didn't know why, but he wanted to fight with Axel until... _Shit,_ he didn't even know why he wanted to fight. He wanted Axel to be mad when he left, he wanted Axel to want him to leave; but he wanted Axel to fight for him to stay, wanted Axel to try.

_I think you're supposed to try._

And there was that sound again, the sound of his voice saying something he never said, something he remembered but couldn't place. And Axel was just standing there, watching him, begging him to stay but willing to let him leave. And Roxas turned and left, the door closing firmly behind him and taking something with him as he did.

The apartment echoed with that silence. For the longest time, Axel simply walked the floor, to _their_ bedroom, _their _kitchen, _their _living room. Everything was wrong again. Half empty, lost and wrong. Axel didn't know what to do, though he knew he couldn't just let himself wallow in this fear that Roxas wasn't coming home. So he pulled out his phone.

"_Hello?_"

"What's up, Dem?" His voice was light, playful, deceptive.

"_Axel! Well, you know, not much. It's my night off, and Zexion has that stupid seminar to give in Hollow Bastion, so it's just me and the couch tonight._"

Swallowing the crackling of his voice, Axel asked, "Nothing important pressing on your schedule?"

"_... No, not particularly. Axel, what's wrong?_"

He just squeezed his eyes shut and answered, "Can you come over?"

* * *

Demyx brought pizza, and for a few minutes they acted like nothing was wrong, nothing at all.

But they both knew better, and Demyx finally asked, "When did he leave?"

"Right after I got home," Axel replied, his voice soft and calm. "We were talking about the suppressed memories study, and I... I don't know what happened, one minute he's fine and the next he's saying he's leaving. He was pissed because I said I'd support him if he didn't go, but that I thought he should. I guess that was too morally ambiguous a statement."

The other was silent. With good reason, Axel suspected he was angry.

"Do you know where he went?" Demyx continued.

Nodding, Axel answered, "I called Naminé after you, she said he was on his way there. She suggested trying to talk to him at the gallery opening this Friday."

"Glad somebody has their head on straight," He muttered, adding cautiously, "Maybe you should just let him go, Axel."

Axel knew this should have made him angry. _No, not angry,_ he decided, but something other than what it did. Because it made him think: _Maybe..._

In the end, he just shook his head. "I can't lose him, Demyx, not like this. It's still worth it. I don't want to let go."

_Dammit, Axel._ But Demyx just nodded and rubbed his eyes. "Alright. We'll give it a few days."

"I just... I need him," Axel pressed softly. "And I hate thinking that way, and I know it's dangerous to, but I do. He's like my arm, I know I can live without him but nothing will ever be the same."

He felt Demyx's hand on his back, rubbing circles on his spine. "I know it's scary, Axel, but you just have to keep going. With or without him."

Collapsing on the table, completely exhausted, Axel asked, "Could you do that if Zexion left?"

"I would have to." There was something more in Demyx's voice, something the redhead turned to ask him about, but he added, "He'll figure it out, just like he did the first time. Have faith."

_Have faith._ Axel considered this and muttered wryly, "I need a drink."

"To work!"

* * *

At the art show, Naminé could only smile and blush as people she knew and people straight off the street paid her compliment after compliment. But Roxas was proud of her; after years of hard work, of shows and competitions and other people's openings, she had her own gallery to stand in and demurely flaunt.

"Didn't you have a teacher in third grade who said you were terrible?" He asked jokingly.

She grinned, gestured towards a group, and said, "She's the one standing there with a confused look on her face."

Roxas chuckled, looking around at all the masses assembled. "You really showed her."

"Yup," Naminé nodded, smiling, then added a bit forcefully, "Now go out and mingle. Be my secret agent and attract their attention to the paintings."

He rolled his eyes, but wandered off. Didn't see Axel coming through the door, didn't know the redhead was watching him leave and approaching Naminé.

"Glad you made it," She said welcoming, with a careful tone that knew better.

But he smiled and hugged her and said, "I wouldn't miss this! I remember seeing the first gallery you featured in, I love your work."

"Never mind the part where you wouldn't look at the piece that featured you," She teased, laughing at his sheepish grin.

Axel's grin softened though, and he asked hesitantly, "How's he been?"

"...Confused." She sighed, looking into the gallery. "Believe it or not, he does still care about you. He just doesn't know why, or what it means, and it scares him."

_It's terrifying,_ Axel agreed with a shiver, adding, "You think I should wait to talk to him?"

She glanced back to him and shook her head, replying, "I think now would be the best time."

"Why's that?"

"He found your painting."

* * *

Roxas stood, incredulous as he stared at a painting he'd never seen.

He remembered that day. It was one of the last times they'd gone to the beach that summer. Roxas had been sitting just close enough that the water brushed against his feet. The beach had been full that day, and he didn't remember much of what happened; it was just a relaxing day. Naminé had been sketching people, Demyx was wrestling Zexion in the water-

_No._ His mind spun as he realized, _Zexion was reading on the beach._ Which meant Demyx was wrestling Axel. Which meant Axel was there. _Which is why_, he thought, _I don't remember a lot of that day._ Because that would mean remembering Axel, and Roxas couldn't do that. So this painting had happened, and he was right there, and he didn't remember it.

Axel was leading him back into the ocean. His hands were on Roxas's hips, eyes focused on him, leading him, his back to the waves.

"That's you, right?"

Roxas turned, an unfamiliar face beside him. He nodded, adding, "I'm friends with the artist."

"She's amazing," The young man admired as he explained, "She caught that expression perfectly, I can tell exactly what's going through his mind."

It caught Roxas off guard, but he asked nonchalantly, "Really? What's he thinking?"

"He wants to protect you, even if it means he gets hurt." With something of a smile he continued, "He doesn't care what's in the water. He doesn't care who's on the beach. All he sees is you."

_I just want to help. Let me help you._

Roxas bit back the frustration, ignored the confusion his voice brought with words that still didn't belong to him. The stranger wondered off, and Roxas was left there to digest his observations. Because the more he looked, the more he saw it. Saw the protective stance, the loving smile.

After a moment he realized Axel was there, not too near, but close enough. He gave him a look that wasn't exactly inviting, but was meant as an _if-you-wish_ sort of gesture.

When he was brave enough, he ventured, "You probably don't remember that."

"No," Roxas admitted. "I don't remember most of that day."

Nodding, Axel explained softly, "We'd talked a few months ago about how you almost drowned, and haven't been in the water since. And that day, I was wrestling with Demyx and you were sitting by Zexion looking all concerned, so I asked and you said, _I'm still scared that you're going to get hurt, and I won't be able to do anything._ So I pulled you up and walked you out."

"I can't believe it," Roxas murmured with a teased smile.

Axel chuckled, "Me either. You kept shaking and looking around like we were going to get mugged."

Roxas finally looked at him. He was startled to see how much smaller Axel looked. His entire demeanor was exhausted, like he hadn't slept in days, or eaten, or lived since Roxas had left. Like he was fading away, but putting on a brave face for the world, for Naminé, for Roxas. Seeing him that way made Roxas terrified. And he still had no idea why.

"Can I ask you something?"

With only a bit of hesitation, he answered, "Can't stop you."

"Have you tried to figure out what's holding you back?" When he didn't answer, Axel continued, "I know it's confusing, I know it's scary, but you gave me the chance once. And there had to be some reason you stayed for six months. I know you need time to figure things out, and I'm more than happy to give you that. All I want is a chance, like I told you before."

Staring at him, Roxas wanted to kiss him. Wasn't sure why, not entirely, but he did. Wanted to go home with him, hold him close; it didn't matter what they were doing, as long as he could hold onto him. _A hand, a laugh, a fuck. Anything._ Which didn't make much sense, didn't make any sense, but he wanted it so badly, and he barely knew who Axel was.

"Rox?"

The nickname caught him off guard; he looked down, his face heating up. _I'm not gonna play mind games._ "I guess I owe you-"

"You don't owe me anything." Which caught Roxas completely off guard, never mind the near anger in his voice, but Axel explained, "I don't give a fuck how long we've been together. I don't care what I've done or what you forgot or anything. You don't owe me for any of that. And I sure as hell don't want you to do anything because you think you do."

The thinking was new to the blonde, based on his entire history of relationships, both platonic and not.

Axel rubbed the back of his neck, adding, "You don't owe me a damn thing. Not to sound like a dick, but I've got the last six months to keep me alive for a while. If we walk away tonight and never speak again, it's going to kill me, because I'm walking away with the memories, and all you've got is heartache."

"...There's the painting." Looking to him, Axel found Roxas staring at the portrait, reiterating, "If I never remember you, if nothing else, I'll have this painting. One memory."

There was a bit of half-way salvation. For that, he was grateful. Demyx had told him to have faith; he was trying. And months ago, when he met Zexion, he'd said _I want him to want to say it._ That's what this was, right here, wanting Roxas to want to make this work. Wanting Roxas to want to try. Which was all he ever wanted.

"Give me a chance." One last try, one more prayer. "Say yes. Let me show you why you stayed."

_Do you ever get spooked about me?_

Roxas shivered, chewed his lips, and answered, so softly Axel could barely hear. "I'll think about it."

Which was more than enough. Which meant everything.

* * *

_He hated getting up in the middle of the night. But he'd gotten his snack, and was on his way back to bed. Back to his loving roommate, his breathing pillow and embracing comforter. _

_The bed was empty. And he was terrified. _

Why are you angry?

_He spun, looking for that voice, knowing it was his but not knowing why and hating it and where is he? _

_He turned back into the apartment, but it wasn't his anymore, he couldn't remember where anything was or where the doors led to. Where is he? _

You sound angry.

_There, through the door, that door. He reached for the handle, but it burnt his hand and he had to release it. He stared at it, amazed at the pain._

It blistered a bit._ Frantically he turned around, but he was alone. _Stay there, I'll get some ice.

_He threw himself against the door, knowing he was on the wrong side, knowing he needed to get through to save the one person who made him mean anything, but he couldn't get the knob to turn without burning his hand again. He's right there, I have to get to him, I have to get in there! He threw himself against it again, feeling the heat on his back._

That's what drastic looks like.

_He collapsed, exhausted, confused, desperate. _

Did I change too much?

_Roxas cried his heart out, begging, I'm sorry, please, just open the door, please!_

Am I too different?

_He reached up, one more time, determined to open the door._

The anticipation is killing me.

_But he couldn't make himself touch it, his body refusing to override the survival instinct._

I'm glad you want to go.

_He couldn't move anymore, pain and screams flooding from him. I'm right here! I'm not going anywhere, please, just open the door!_

"Roxas!"

And then he was in bed, with Naminé standing over him, hands cupping his face, eyes full of concern. He sat up, wrapping his arms around her, feeling his tears on her skin.

"It's okay, it was just a nightmare," She comforted, murmuring over and over, "It's okay, you're alright."

A nightmare. He wasn't particularly surprised, he rarely dreamed and they were usually unpleasant. But he was shaking, and his heart hurt, and he was so confused.

He was scared.

"What happened, Roxas, talk to me."

Shaking his head without a word, he just let go and stood and went to wash his face. He finally managed, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"Don't- Okay," She sighed, knowing he wasn't going to talk. "Okay. When you're ready, I'll listen. Okay?"

"Yeah," He stood over the sink, shaking where she couldn't see him, answering, "Thanks. Get some sleep."

_I thought I'd killed you for a second._

He swallowed harshly, muttering to himself, "Damn near did."

Roxas was losing his mind.

And it hurt like hell.

* * *

So someone sent me a review, but for some reason I'm not allowed to respond to it; I still wanted to address it, though, because it was a good point, and a couple of people mentioned it. So. Here we go.

Gryphon icefire 98 felt like the story was completely rewound back to the second chapter; also, that Roxas seemed younger.

Roxas is younger, in a way. Being with Axel had given him a taste of something he'd locked up since he was very small. It was always very important for him to be independent, to take care of himself and shoulder whatever he had to in order to make things work. So now that he's able to relax, he can finally act like the young man he is; I mean, he's barely legal to drink.

As far as the rewinding this goes, there's a method to the madness. Just trust me on this, I wouldn't put them through that without a reason.

With that, I'll bid you goodnight; have a nice weekend :) We're nearing the end.


	22. Rehabilitate

Four days... FOUR DAYS AND AN UPDATE? What madness is this? We really are nearing the end... Anyway, thanks for all the reviews. Really, it makes me smile to get to respond and answer questions and explain things 8) Anyway, the likeliness of the next chapter being up this quickly is... well, ludicrous. Reviews make me write faster!

**Warnings: **You meet some pretty interesting people in this chapter. There's talk of _THE PLAN!_ and such, and some minor abuse, but all with a purpose. No mansex. In fact... Nah, never mind.

* * *

_zrrrrrrmmm. zrrrrrrmmm. zrrrrrrmmm._

It was four-thirty in the morning. And his phone was going off.

Roxas rolled over, staring skeptically at his night stand. Yes, that was his phone, illuminated and vibrating. At four-thirty in the morning.

"Hello?" He asked blearily, not even thinking to check the ID.

"_...SHIT, it's like four in the morning, isn't it?_"

The voice didn't click at first, and he answered, "Four-thirty, yeah. Emergency?"

"_Nah, it's already noon here._" He was coming back to life, recognizing the tone as the voice continued, "_Anyway, I'm getting ready to be back in town, you busy this weekend?_"

"...Sora?"

Laughter, the kind only his brother could produce, then, "_Roxas, you need to lay off the drinking, you sound so hungover right now._"

"I haven't had a drink in months," Roxas teased defensively, "Which you would know if you were here. And you'd know it was too damn early to be alert anyway."

Sora replied, "_Fine, whatever. Answer the question. This weekend._"

Not bothering to think, Roxas answered, "I shouldn't be, as far as I know."

"_What about Axel, I still gotta meet him._"

Which caught him completely off guard. He never would have thought he would have told Sora about the redhead, ever, and the fact that he had scared him.

"_Roxas?_"

He shook his head clear and managed, "I don't know, I'd have to ask."

"_Ask him, isn't he right there?_" When he didn't answer, Sora knew, and murmured, "_Aw, shit, Roxas, I'm sorry._"

With a short sigh, Roxas replied, "Don't worry about it. I'll let you know. Can I go back to sleep now?"

"_...Yeah. Call me later, I guess._"

He didn't go back to sleep; it was far too late for that. Instead he slid his way towards the kitchen, looking for coffee, needing to discuss this development with himself.

But Naminé was already up and fussing with the machine, offering over her shoulder, "Sora called?"

"Yeah," Roxas answered, taking an unsteady seat at the table, "Should be home next week."

She smiled and replied, "Good. He's been gone for so long, thanks to that fiasco with the university. Been almost a year, he's probably all tall and gangly looking, like you."

"...I'm gangly?" Roxas was confused, adding, "And tall? What are you talking about?"

Giggling, she just said, "Oh, nothing. Anyway. He have anything interesting to say so early in the morning?"

He decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, wanting more to ask, "Did you know I told him about Axel?"

"Of course you did," She answered, but with the attention his question needed, "You tell Sora everything, and Axel was important to you."

_Can't believe this._ Roxas rubbed his eyes, still exhausted, continuing, "He wanted to know if Axel could come next week."

"Are you going to ask?"

Roxas nodded. "I told him I would. And I... that means something, right? If I told Sora, and if Axel wants to, I mean..."

"Mm. I'm glad you think so." She stood beside him, a hand on the back of his neck. "Because I think he's still important to you."

He leaned against her, sighing softly. "I don't know what I'm doing."

"One day at a time, Roxas."

* * *

Axel's mouth was dry when he answered the blonde's call that night. "Are you okay with that?"

"_I... I don't know, Axel._" Roxas sounded tired, but he was being honest, and that meant everything to Axel. "_I said I'd think about it, and I... I can't unless I start knowing you again._"

His body shook as he replied, "But do you want me to go?"

"_Yeah._" This after an eternity of silence, with a soft breath of decisiveness. "_I want you to come._"

Refusing to let his imagination run away with that phrase, Axel replied, "Then I will."

"_Okay._" With another pause, Roxas added, "_Are you- can I see you, sometime this week?_"

"Anytime you want, kid," Axel answered, his body finally collapsing on their kitchen floor. "Just tell me where to be."

He could practically hear the hesitation when Roxas replied, "_It doesn't matter, I just want to see you._"

Nonchalant, noncommittal, like it was the most casual thing in the world. Like it shouldn't mean anything to him. And Axel wouldn't argue.

"Here?" He ventured, adding, "Maybe for dinner?"

It was risky, especially for Roxas, but he answered softly, "_Thursday?_"

"Thursday."

* * *

Dinner wasn't as awkward as Roxas had feared; it was comfortable, which seemed crazy, but he was grateful. Axel had asked about Sora, and Roxas talked easily about him for a long time. Axel had a few stories of his own, between his brother and himself, never mind Demyx as time went on. So they talked, for hours, and it was comfortable.

But then, as he'd expected, they fell silent, and Axel was watching him. _He's been watching me_, he realized, thinking that it should bother him. It felt right, though, to be watched by him. To have his attention, to know that he was the most important thing, at least for that moment. Which was a realization all its own: he wanted Axel's attention.

"You look thoughtful."

Roxas nodded and retorted, "I usually do, don't I?"

"There's that, yeah," Axel agreed with a soft grin, "Anything new?"

Smiling as well, unable to not when Axel was sitting there, just smiling, Roxas answered, "Maybe. I'm still kind of worried, you know? What if this doesn't work?"

Axel swallowed nervously, but responded, "I'm sure you'll be fine-"

"Not worried about me," Roxas replied softly. "I've always lived with this. I've learned to survive. I can manage on my own. You, though, you've never been through this, not really."

_I'd gladly go through it to save you the pain,_ Axel promised, but only said, "Can't say as I have."

"So I worry," This with an almost teased smile, "That you won't be the same after this, that I'll change you just to leave."

_Did I change too much?_ He shivered, remembering his nightmare; and it hadn't been the last, certainly not through the week, and he didn't anticipate an end soon.

But Axel was shaking his head, still smiling himself. "I've already changed, Rox. And there's nothing wrong with that. I'm happy with who I am. Don't worry about that."

"I will anyway."

They were both smiling still, but in that soft, sad way that followed a fight and preceded a parting of ways on mostly good terms.

Roxas shifted, glancing at his watch, blinking in surprise. "It's nearly midnight."

Oh..." With some reluctance, Axel asked, "I guess you should head home." Much as it killed him to call anywhere else 'home'.

Nodding, Roxas pushed himself to find his shoes and head for the door, Axel waiting there for him. They stood there, staring for a moment. Roxas felt it again, the want for something more. He wanted Axel to tell him to stay. He wanted Axel to just say what he wanted. _Is that who I was,_ Roxas thought, _the person you hid from?_ Then again, knowing himself, he would hide.

"Roxas?" When he received a questioning look, Axel nearly backed out; but he made himself say, "Forgive me."

Confused now, Roxas asked in kind, "For what?"

But he was already there, so close there was no room for confusion. But not yet close enough, with a hand on Roxas's neck, the other resting on his lower back, their foreheads against each other's. Green eyes staring into blue, asking permission for something he was terrified to do, but wouldn't forgive himself for avoiding. Roxas glanced away, then back, holding his stare.

So Axel kissed him.

* * *

"I feel like we've been had."

Driving away without Naminé, Roxas had to agree. "She had to have planned this."

Because, all of the sudden, she had something to do that morning, and wouldn't be able to ride with them; she'd be along later that night. Leaving the boys with a two-hour ride to make all alone.

Axel grinned, adding with slight admiration, "I think she's a mad genius of some sort, and only pretends to be a innocent little artist."

"You might be on to something there," Roxas laughed, settling back against the seat, "But then we'd have to wonder what she gets from this little exchange."

Without much conviction, Axel tossed in response, "Maybe she likes playing with fate."

Roxas considered this, but replied, "I don't really believe in fate."

"That's right. I forgot we had that conversation," Axel recalled.

Quiet, then, with a wry, almost joking tone, Roxas answered, "So did I."

_Sounds like a lonely way to live._

He was beginning to trust the whispers he couldn't place, which should have worried him. But he couldn't help else could he do, tell Sora _Wish I could make it, but I'm in the middle of an emotional breakdown and can't make it to see you for the first time in months,_ then skip along to the hospital to have his brain poked?

"Guess that was a bit insensitive," Axel replied, his voice soft and contrite.

Roxas shook his head and dismissed easily, "I'm sure it's not the first time you've forgotten my amnesia. Don't worry about it."

"I will anyway."

Flipping his words garnered a grin, and Roxas managed, "Try not to. Worry about driving."

"You say so, kid," Axel returned the expression, adding lightly, "So, two hours. Any questions burning your soul? Anything you want to hear?"

_Tell me a story you'd want to hear._

With a thoughtful sigh, Roxas followed the prompt: "Tell me a story?"

Axel's voice caught in his throat. It was a trap, to be sure, and he wanted to ask what kind of story Roxas wanted, but he was afraid of the answer.

"For Demyx's birthday this year, we all went to this club on the seawall. You were out on the balcony, just standing there with a thoughtful smile on your face. And I... I couldn't stop myself from interrupting."

* * *

He lost Roxas as soon as he got there. One moment they were knocking at the door, the next a brunette had grabbed him and ran away. Axel hesitantly walked in, looking around; the house was large, old, and comfortable in a way that families sometimes make their homes. He picked his way over suitcases, movies, and odd stuffed animals towards what he thought (and hoped) was the kitchen.

Beyond that doorway, he met a new face, who didn't seem surprised to not recognize him. But he knew the young man by a picture Roxas had shown him, months ago; silvery hair, blue-green eyes that reminded him of Demyx (but with a dangerous edge to them). But the other smiled, and waved him in.

"Axel, right?" When he nodded, he was offered a hand. "Riku. I'd introduce you to Sora, but he ran off to torture Roxas, I think."

With a chuckle, Axel commented, "Does he do that often?"

"The running off part, yeah," Riku reached into the fridge, tossing Axel a drink as he added, "Torturing Roxas, not too often. He's not around a lot."

Sitting at the table, Axel asked, "Sora?"

"Roxas." Riku sat with him, taking a deep breath and relaxing. "He doesn't like coming back home if he can avoid it."

Axel took a drink, asking carefully, "Any idea why?"

This earned him a chiding _you-know-exactly-why_ look, but Riku answered anyway, "Took many bad memories. Or not enough. Something like that."

"Yeah, I-" Axel cleared his throat before continuing, "I've seen that in him."

Riku was giving him a calculating look, and for the first in a long time Axel knew how Roxas felt meeting Demyx. This was different, he knew. With Demyx, it was a matter of what about Roxas made Axel want him around; now, his motives were being questioned. Why did he stick around? But he was more than willing to allow the scrutiny.

"Sora said Roxas wasn't sure you'd be coming," Riku mused. When Axel didn't respond, he supplied, "But from what Roxas had told him about you two, there's only one reason he wouldn't know."

Axel nodded, finally admitting, "He lost me."

Quiet, then with almost regret, Riku ran a hand through his hair. "Damn."

"That about sums it up," Axel offered with a slight smirk, but he was amiable as he said, "I think we're going to be okay, though."

Riku pressed his lips together thoughtfully, murmuring, "Well, he must want you to be okay. Brought you here. Loads of shameful things here."

"Like what?"

"Me," Riku replied almost flippantly, but quickly moved on to, "Lemme give you some advice, Axel. Roxas doesn't hold grudges. Never has, not even when we were kids. If you do something and he ends up hurt, I can almost promise that he'll be mad for a few days, then get over it and tell you to do the same."

_Pretty much,_ Axel thought back to the spats they'd had over the past few months.

With a warning tone to his voice, Riku explained, "But Sora does. He's not unreasonable, and he forgives pretty easily, but when it comes to Roxas, he doesn't let go."

"...You speaking from personal experience?" Axel chanced, and when Riku glanced away, he almost took it back.

But Riku answered, "Yeah. I- when we were younger, I did something stupid. Sora... if Roxas hadn't stepped in I would have lost him."

'Lost him' was all Axel needed to hear: _He's in love with Sora._ Carefully, he inferred, "But Sora never forgave you for it?"

"Not yet," Riku sighed, adding lightly, "But I haven't given up on him. And we're still close, which means everything to me."

Which Axel understood perfectly.

Riku looked at him, grinned, and announced, "We should go find them, before one of them dies."

* * *

They found the pair in Sora's room, with the blonde perched on a bed and the brunette rummaging around in a closet.

"Sora," Roxas called, seeing Riku and Axel standing in the doorway, "Come out for a sec."

With a dramatic call of, "BUT WHY?", Sora turned, caught sight of his visitors, and recanted, "I mean, of course. You're Axel, right?"

"As far as I know," He answered with a grin, "Which makes you Sora."

Laughing, Sora admitted, "That's me. What have you two been up to? Planning world domination?"

Riku smacked him across the shoulder, responding, "That's your job. Remember the plan!"

"Ah, the plan!" Sora agreed with great gusto, though after a moment he asked, "What's the plan?"

Which prompted a chorus of _THE PLAN!_, which echoed between he and Riku quite a few times, and Axel couldn't help but wonder how someone as sane and normal as Roxas could have grown up along side such strange bedfellows. But he saw Roxas smiling himself, laughing as the exuberance increased, which made him wonder if the normality was an act.

"Meanwhile," Riku finally exclaimed, "It's time to eat, so Sora, Roxas, get your asses downstairs and cook. I'm starving."

Sora promptly grabbed Roxas and informed him, as they plummeted down the stairs, "I FORGOT ABOUT THIS RECIPE!"

"And this is common behavior?" Axel asked, following Riku more docilely.

Turning back to him with a wry grin, Riku replied, "Sora is anything but common."

* * *

For the rest of the night, things followed a similar pattern. Sora talked at great length about his travels and adventures in Hollow Bastion, and, when she arrived, Naminé was forced to talk about her gallery. Of course Sora thought it was fantastic and demanded to see some of the paintings, so Naminé had to use the old computer that was barely living to get onto the website to show him, which distracted Sora and Riku for some time. Then Kairi showed up, and in time, Axel met Hayner, Pence, and Olette.

He was amazed at how welcoming they were.

"Who's this kid?"

"That's Axel, Roxas's roommate."

"Oh. Nice to meet you." Smile, then attention diverts to familiar faces.

Roxas laughed after the third instance, and Axel rolled his eyes and smiled. It was comforting, to be accepted so easily, though Sora's explanation was a bit amended. Still, they were all comfortable enough to open their little world up, and when everyone was practically on top of each other, it didn't seem as awkward as he'd expected. By the end of the night, they'd accumulated nine people, and the issue of rooming came up. In Sora's room went Kairi, Naminé, and Olette. Sora, Riku, Hayner and Pence decided to camp out in the living room.

Which left Roxas and Axel in the blonde's old room.

They stood at opposite sides of the bed, both suddenly and almost painfully shy. Which was silly, Roxas thought, they'd already shared a bed. But looking at Axel, he knew it was just as strange for him.

"Roxas, I-"

He shook his head, already knowing, countering, "You're not sleeping on the couch, or in your car, or on the floor."

"If you're uncomfortable," Axel maintained, "It's not a big deal."

_Then why won't you look at me?_ This time he could almost believe they were his words, because Axel wasn't looking at him. But he knew better.

"Let's go to bed."

For a while, they were apart, just watching each other, like virgins on a honeymoon. Scared. Shaking. Trying not to show it. Roxas wanted to move closer, knowing it'd be easier to sleep next to Axel, knowing he wanted to sleep on the elder's chest, listening to his heartbeat, but terrified of telling the redhead that.

_I already did, though, didn't I?_ When they both stayed in the apartment, when they were trying to act like nothing had changed, when-

Axel reached out, brushing the blonde spikes away from Roxas's eyes, answering the questioning glance with, "Sorry, Rox, I'm not well known for my self control."

With something like a chuckle, Roxas asked, "What am I gonna do with you?"

"Um... Sleep?" Axel took hold of his hand, pulling him closer, against his chest, back into his place. "Here? With me?"

_Stay._ Roxas felt his face heat up, inches from Axel's that voice reminding him, _I want to stay._

Those green eyes were heavy, aching. Begging him, _Stay, Rox, stay._ With more courage than he thought he had, he pressed himself forward, sealing their lips chastely, pulling away carefully. He felt the shiver travel through Axel, and for a moment he panicked (though for the life of him, he wasn't sure why). But Axel just smiled, brushing his lips across Roxas's forehead as he leaned into the pillows.

"G'night, Rox."

* * *

When he woke up the next morning, Axel was alone in the bed, eerily reminiscent of their first night together. However, when he braved the downstairs of the house, he found his lover precariously asleep on top of his brother, looking so at peace and relaxed that Axel was jealous. Sora had a handful of Roxas's hair, though, which Axel did not envy.

Movement at the edge of his vision attracted his attention; he glanced towards the kitchen, finding Riku. He too was watching Sora and Roxas, with a soft smile. _Gods, is that how I look at him?_ He knew how Riku felt, standing there, watching the most important part of him, his whole reason for existing, perfectly content, knew how calming that was.

Then he turned his stare to Axel. When he turned into the next room, Axel followed.

"Can I ask you something?" He asked to Riku's back.

As he fiddled with his coffee, Riku replied, "If you really want this thing with Roxas to work, you're going to have to."

Which left him bemused for a moment, but he finally asked, "How long did it take him to reconnect with Sora?"

"Few years," Riku answered after a pause, leaning against the counter. "That was when he first started the whole _better-off-not-knowing-me_ thought process. He was scared that he was going to hurt Sora again, so he kept his distance as best he could. He didn't shun him or anything like that, but he- it was like he stopped being Sora's brother. And he didn't see how much that hurt him."

_He still doesn't._ Axel pressed further, "How did they get through it?"

Riku considered this with a sigh; then he replied, "I guess you could say it was my fault. Sora has always meant a lot to me, so seeing Roxas put him through that really got to me. I wasn't- I was a bit unhinged, to say the least, when we were kids. And when I was maybe fourteen, Sora came to me, a complete wreck, because Roxas came home bloodied and broken and saying he-"

His voice broke, and Axel knew better than to push. He wouldn't look at Axel, not straight in the eye; and this was something Axel had noticed, because the only times he had were during their first meeting, and again just before this exchange. As if Riku had something to hide, which worried the redhead to a degree, but he would wait.

Once he'd cleared his throat, Riku continued, "He'd gotten himself in a fight with six- or seven people, he _asked _for it, and he walks in saying maybe he could beat the memories back into himself. The next time I saw Roxas, I... I lost it." He glanced to Axel, meeting his watchful gaze with a tired, sheepish, bitter smile. "I beat the shit out of him. I kept telling him, if he wanted to hurt Sora, I'd hurt him back."

"That'd be the unhinged bit, I imagine," Was the understanding, joking response.

Riku chuckled mirthlessly, nodding as he returned, "Yeah, that's it... He fought back, but he didn't really try to stop me. I think he wanted to hurt. And it kept happening, for weeks. Sora kept asking him, _Roxas, what's going on, just talk to me,_ and he... he never did. And one day I- I pushed it further, and then we- I was _really_ fucked at that point, I still don't understand how it-"

"Kid," Axel interjected at that last break, "You don't owe me an explanation."

Which was all he could offer; but Riku just shook his head, adding, "I don't. But I'm not doing this for you. If it helps you, helps Roxas, it'd mean the world to Sora. And I owe him everything."

Axel just nodded, waiting, knowing again exactly what Riku was going through, and knew he had to go through it.

"One day," Riku finally managed, "And don't ask me how, but we went from a full-out brawl to having sex, which- became the new pattern. And after a few weeks of that, of Roxas limping home, Sora had enough and decided to go looking for him, and came to ask me to help, and he found us and... Well, for a while he wouldn't talk to me. Barely talked to Roxas at first, but he couldn't blame him, or wouldn't."

He rubbed the back of his neck thoughtfully, taking a seat with Axel at the table. "Kinda woke me up, I guess. I kept trying to talk to him, not that I knew what to say, I just had to say something, but he wouldn't even look at me. I ran into Roxas at school, and basically broke down and begged him for help. He talked to Sora, and now..."

"Now, he trusts you," Axel supplied, "But he hasn't forgiven you."

"Right," Riku agreed with another sigh. "Whatever was said between them, it... After that, Roxas was closer to Sora, and now, well, you see how they are."

Axel nodded, adding, "Got any suggestions for me, then?"

"Don't do that," Riku laughed, almost sincerely. "Just... this. The part where you listen and are willing to do whatever you have to. This will be your strength."

Pressing his lips together for a moment, Axel wondered, "What about you? Is helping Roxas the only way to stay close to Sora?"

"Me." Riku considered that, explaining, "I was the only one Sora went to when he didn't know what to do with him. I was his comfort, his constant, I was... I was the one who told him it'd be okay. So to find me there and, pardon my french, fucking his poor broken brother over... What I did to Roxas was a knife to Sora's heart. This is all I can think to do. If Roxas heals, maybe... Maybe Sora will, too."

When Axel had nothing to add, Riku continued, "So. Do you love him?"

"Roxas..." Trying to find the best way to answer, Axel decided on, "I would give up everything- every memory I have, good or bad- to give him everything he's lost, to keep him from losing anything else."

"Sounds like love."

"...Yeah."

* * *

Neither of them knew that Roxas was lingering beyond the door, listening from the beginning.

In a way, Roxas didn't have a problem, not really, with Riku answering Axel's question the way he did. That was a part of his past, a part of him, and Axel had every right to hear it. And if Riku wanted to tell him, and Roxas knew that he honestly needed to tell, he wouldn't object. He listened, not only to hear Axel's response, but to reaffirm the events in his mind. Sora had noticed his leaving, and followed after a while.

He stood by his brother just at then end of the exchange.

"_Sounds like love."_

Their eyes locked, Roxas full of fear and pain, Sora understanding completely.

"_...Yeah."_

Which destroyed the blonde in ways he wasn't sure he knew how to handle. Sora wrapped his arms around him, feeling him shake.

"I know it hurts," Sora whispered, "But don't let it scare you off. You don't have to stay because of that, Roxas, and I know everything you've ever done wants you to give up and go, but... if there's one part of you, one tiny part that isn't saying _go_, then_ stay._ He wouldn't be here if you didn't mean everything to him, if he didn't mean _something_ to you. Don't be scared, Roxas."

_You can't take much more of this._

That warning alone was more than enough to scare him. But he just clung to his brother, and shook, and didn't know.

_I feel like I failed you._

* * *

Changed my mind. The next time you see mansex, it's the last chapter. And that should be in four chapters, depending on how you count. There. The Countdown Begins.


	23. Vacillate

Whoo. Three left, kiddos, boys and girls. Whoo. I'm scared. Anyone else scared?

**Warnings:** There's a bit of babble about numbers. If it freaks you out, deal with it. That, dear ones, is how I think all the time. It's exhausting. Anyway. The end is near.

* * *

_He knew better than to try the knob. It would always burn him, always had, always would._

_Breaking through the door wasn't going to work, either. Too big, too strong, too much._

Are you nervous?

_A sharp laugh, like a gasp. Not the word I'd use, really._

_Whatever was on the other side of that door would save him. He knew that. He just had to get through._

_He wanted it. Whatever it was, he wanted it._

Guess I should be more careful, right?

_He tapped his head against it again, for what may have been the thousandth time. _

_The thousandth time he'd woken up, found the bed empty, heard the voice begging him to find him._

That's kinda harsh, don't you think?

_What- I'm sorry! He felt his heart jump in his throat. I'm sorry, just- Open the door. _

_He closed his eyes, defeated, begging, Open the door, please._

That doesn't make much sense, but I just-

_Show me how to open the damn door! His throat was tight, closing tighter._

I'll be waiting.

_He stared at the base of the door and wished he could see under it. But it was dark on that side. Always dark._

_Always dark, always there. Let me in. Let me see._

That sounds suspicious.

_He tried to answer, but there was no air in his chest. A deep gasp, a shallow release. _

I'm glad you want to go.

_And it always came to that, to him wanting to go. But I don't want to go, I'm not going anywhere, just open the door. Open the door._

Roxas opened his eyes, and with startling clarity realized he couldn't breathe.

Asthma.

Fuck.

Breathe.

He closed his eyes again, tried to calm down, to take a deep, slow breath, but he couldn't; he needed his inhaler, fast, and he had no idea where it was.

In the panicked dark, he wasn't even sure where he was.

Fuck.

Breathe.

He turned to the edge of the bed, looking for the end table, because there was always an end table, there was always a drawer and in the drawer was his inhaler.

But he wasn't where he was supposed to be, because the table was on the wrong side of the bed, or wasn't on his side of the bed.

Wasn't there.

Fuck.

Breathe.

His limbs felt heavy, his vision exploding in colorful dots; wasn't that a law of nature, that bright colors were poison?

Poison.

But there was pressure against his lips.

Poison, don't drink-

"Rox, calm down. Breathe."

_Axel!_ His eyes snapped clear, and he recognized his inhaler. Grabbing it, as his life depended on it, he took as deep a breath as possible, feeling it seep it.

Another breath, deeper, and it was okay. He was okay.

Breathe.

He felt the mattress shift, felt strong arms wrap around him and pull him back into the bed. He relaxed against Axel's chest, feeling him leaning against the wall behind them. It was all he could do, lying there, breathing as the medicine kicked in, Axel's heart beating against his, helping it remember how to live.

"Okay?"

He coughed and cleared his lungs, taking an unassisted breath that was mostly normal. He nodded, adding, "Okay."

Axel sighed, an action Roxas wished he could have managed. "Okay. So I know you're new at this," And he was almost joking, "But if you're dying in your sleep, you just reach over and smack me."

"This has happened before?" He asked, his voice soft and raspy but calm.

It sounded like Axel was unconcerned, like he was still half-asleep, as he answered, "Couple of times. Once was allergies, another when you were sick. It wasn't fun, that time. Anyway. Nothing fatal yet."

Roxas smiled. "Optimistic."

"I try." Axel chuckled, adding tenderly, "I don't know as Sora would forgive you for dying, you know."

With warm, endorphin-spiked sarcasm, Roxas replied, "He does hold grudges."

"That's what they tell me," This with another soft sigh and, "Get to sleep, kid. We have to go home tomorrow."

Roxas was already half-gone, and had almost missed the key word.

_Home._

* * *

Thankfully, there were no more dreams that night.

When the morning came, they stuck themselves back into the car, after hugs and numbers and addresses were exchanged. Sora promised to come visit, and Roxas promised to try to not kill him. Axel and Riku had something of a side conversation that vaguely interested Roxas, but he didn't worry about it too much as they drove away.

"So this might be an inappropriate time to ask," Axel interjected after a while and lively conversation, "But got any plans this week?"

Hesitating, Roxas covered with a teasing, "Why's that inappropriate?"

"Well," Axel was sheepish and shy as he explained, "When um... the first time you said you would think about it, about us, we started spending time together, just like this time. But I- at one point you needed space and time to think about it, time without me clouding your judgment. So I want to give you that this time without you having to tell me."

Roxas answered with a soft smile, "Okay."

"And we just spent a weekend together," Axel continued, "And I don't want to make you uncomfortable, or be a burden-"

"You're not a burden."

This came as a quick, kind rebuttal, and he loved it. With a soft smile of his own, Axel murmured, "That's right. I'm just a mess."

"Haha, is that what I call you?" Roxas asked.

Axel replied, "Something like that. But that's neither here nor there. You're avoiding the question."

Roxas just nodded. "That I am."

* * *

"You're cooking for me?"

He couldn't stop the surprise in his voice, and was glad of it when Roxas laughed. "_Have I not done so before?_"

"No- Wait, yes," Axel managed a laugh himself, "You have, and you actually taught me a lot. I was just surprised."

There was a smile in Roxas's voice when he replied, "_Well, yes, I'm cooking for you. I figured you'd be more surprised that I broke in._"

"Demyx does that regularly," This as he rolled his eyes. "I'm used to it now."

"_...He's your best friend, Demyx, isn't he?_" He sounded nervous, timid. When Axel affirmed, he continued, "_So he, um... he can't be taking this very well._"

Pressing his lips together, Axel answered, "Demyx wants the best for me. He isn't convinced that's you, not all the time, but he... He likes you, believe it or not."

"_I trust your judgment._" Roxas decided, adding nonchalantly, "_I'll see you when you get home._"

Axel agreed, "Alright, see you then," and closed his phone before he realized what Roxas had said.

_Home._

* * *

Stepping into his apartment, breathing deep the scent of food and home, Axel nearly cried.

But he just went into the kitchen, standing over Roxas, who smiled at him and stirred the concoction.

"What is it, exactly?"

Axel was not prepared for the answer.

"Potato soup. It's mostly milk. Eat it, and you might actually grow some."

He froze, and when Roxas realized what he'd said, he turned to Axel, confusion on his face.

"That's not-" He shook his head, trying to clear it, asking more of himself, "Why did I say that, where did that come from?"

Axel took a slow breath, answering, "When I first made this, I-"

But recognition rolled over his face, and in an incredulous, breathy voice, he exclaimed, "It's you!"

"It's been you!" Roxas turned away from the redhead, into the apartment, pacing as he continued, "The whole time, it's been you! The nightmares, the echoes, I've been _losing_ my _mind_ and it's been you!"

Axel just stood there, as confused as Roxas, asking, "What do you-?"

"That's not how I meant to say that-" But then he stopped, pressing his hand to his lips, turning to Axel and asking, "Did I say that? Or did you, to me, before I lost you? And then..." He was deep in thought, adding, "You're so goddamn self-righteous that you know... I said that, and you... You know exactly what you meant to say when you said it. But what did you say?"

Eyes wide, fastened on the ground, thinking again, without waiting for an answer, "_So how long does this paralysis last_, you asked that, and I said-_ I have almost no idea_. And you! You asked, _Anything I can do to help?_ Because you'd do it again, whatever it was, and we both knew it."

"Roxas-" Axel reached for him, hand barely managing to brush his arm.

But he pulled away, as if that slight touch had burned him, and his voice was harsh and scathing as he replied, "Roxas, don't break your heart to build a cage! Roxas, don't worry about me! Don't you dare apologize to_ me_, Rox, not to _me_! Don't question my clock's motives! Don't! Don't! Don't!"

Axel waited until he had stopped, stood shaking and terrified. Carefully, he again reached for Roxas, fingertips testing the others. Blue eyes found his, aching.

"Is that my weakness, then?" He smiled, laughed, almost hysterical. "So what are we gonna do?"

Then he stopped, swallowed harshly, and rushed out of the room. "I can't do this, I can't breathe. I have to go."

"Roxas, wait," Axel followed, refusing to let him leave again.

He watched Roxas hesitate before continuing towards the door; when his hand enveloped the knob, though, he cried out and jerked back, falling on the floor.

Axel crouched beside him in panicked concern, asking, "What happened? Roxas, talk to me, what happened?"

Roxas was incredulous, staring in turns at the door and his hand. _It burned me._ Just as it had in the dream, and without any discernible cause. His hand was not red, nor blistered, and other than the static-shocked feeling that had traveled up his arm, he couldn't tell anything had happened. But it was a burn he felt, not a shock. _A burn._..

"Look at me." Without the strength to argue, Roxas turned as Axel had said. With gentle resolve, the redhead murmured, "Please, Roxas, let me help you.

His voice was barely a whisper when he explained himself. "I keep hearing you. But it isn't you, it's what you've said, it's my voice. I don't understand."

_We just can't catch a break. _"How long has this been happening?"

A cast-aside glance; "It started Monday, after I lost you. When Naminé came over."

"...What do you want to do?" Axel ventured.

Roxas crumbled into him, helpless and hopeless.

_So you can clean up my mess?_

* * *

The psychiatric wing of the hospital was, sadly, well-known to Roxas; and they remembered him, patiently. Settled him and Axel in, called in a doctor that knew his history. Part of Axel hated that he'd brought Roxas here. It felt like betrayal, like a lie, like failing him. But the terror in the shadows of his eyes had convinced him that Roxas knew this had to be done.

Which worried Axel just that much more.

"Roxas?" This from a young nurse, a kind smile, adding, "He's ready for you. This way."

His doctor was probably just older than Axel, perhaps by a few years. Still, a bit too young to be a doctor; but his eyes showed wisdom, and Axel was inclined to trust him. Roxas seemed to relax with him around, which meant he trusted him. The vicious scarring on his face had Axel wondering, but he didn't think too much on it.

When Roxas had settled, though, he commented, "You seem to be healing pretty well over."

"Ah, well," This with some warmth, "I work in a hospital, they take care of trauma pretty well."

Nodding to that sense, Roxas turned to Axel in afterthought and explained, "Leon was attack by a schizophrenic patient a few years ago. We thought he'd stop after that, but thankfully, he came back."

"You should be thankful," Leon agreed in a teasing way, or what might have been teasing, had he been the sort to tease (_Reminds me of Zexion,_ Axel thought). "Too many doctors think they don't get paid enough to come in when they're off the clock, even for one of their regular patient. Glad to say, though, it's been a while."

Roxas smiled softly. "Not long enough."

Quiet settled around them, for some time, until Leon pressed, "You wouldn't be here unless it was serious, would you?"

So, taking a deep breath, Roxas told him. At times he deferred to Axel, because he wanted to start at their beginning and, of course, didn't know it. So steadily, he reached his recent trauma. His lost time, the ever present voice in his mind, the distressing nightmare. When he had finished describing the night's revelation, Leon inhaled sharply, as if caught off guard.

At first he said nothing, considering the information. Then he asked, "What do you think we should do?"

"I-" Roxas cleared his throat, "I think there's something more to the dream. If it manifested in the apartment with the door, it has to mean something."

Leon nodded, offering, "How do you propose we proceed?"

"...Can't believe this," Roxas muttered sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck, and Axel wasn't entirely surprised when he asked, "Think hypnosis would help make sense of it?"

"It could help give you a little more control," Leon agreed, "Given some guidance. Shall we?"

Roxas nodded, taking a deep breath, nervous. Axel reached over, covering the smaller hand with his own. Roxas caught his eye, and gave him a tired smile.

"Axel?"

With a pained smirk, he turned to Leon, inferring, "Should I step out?"

The other didn't respond, but Axel just stood and headed towards the door, hating it and knowing it was best.

"Axel."

He was surprised, now, when Roxas called for him, and he paused as the blonde walked up to him. But they just stared at each other for some time.

Finally, Axel reached out, tracing Roxas's cheek and jaw lightly, then he murmured, "I'll be waiting."

_Let me know when you figure out what you want._

Roxas trembled, and when Axel stepped away he didn't say anything. Instead, he returned to Leon, waiting for his instruction.

* * *

"Where are you?"

_He glanced around, trying to make out the room in the dark. The clock stood out, and the microwave. The kitchen._

_**I'm in the apartment. In the kitchen, at night. It's dark.**_

"Can you turn on a light?"

_Roxas felt himself shaking his head, answering, **The light shines down the hall into the bedroom, it'll wake him up.**_

"Wake who up, Roxas?"

_Suddenly a panic gripped him, and he ran down the hall. The door was ajar, and the bed was empty. **He's gone. He's not in bed, where is he?**_

"Easy, Roxas, you're in control right now. Where is he?"

Why are you angry?

_It was that voice again, the voice that wasn't Leon, that wasn't even Roxas anymore. It was him, and now Roxas knew it. **I can hear him. He's in the next room.**_

"What is he saying?"

_**He's asking why I'm angry.** Roxas was already walking towards the door, adding softly, **I'm not angry.**_

You sound angry.

"What does the door look like, Roxas?"

_Shaking his head clear, almost like he was bored or annoyed, he answered, **Just a door.** Without much conviction, he added, **Fits into the wall like it should. Trim, hinges, knob-**_

_But here he broke off with surprise. Leon asked him something, but he didn't hear. Finally he managed to answer._

_**There's light coming from under it.**_

Kinda small to be afraid of the dark, aren't you?

"Is that unusual?"

_Roxas nodded. **It's supposed to be dark, it's always dark.** He reached for the knob-_

Be careful, it's hot.

_It would burn him. **I can't open it. The knob will-**_

"Listen to me. Trust me. This is just a dream, remember, you're in control. You can't be hurt. Open the door, Roxas."

_**He said it's hot.**_

"You can't be hurt, Roxas. Open the door."

_Trust him, he reminded himself. Again he reached out, touching the door first. It was cool, and his hand hovered over the handle._

I told you it was hot.

_Deep breath. Open the door. His hand fell to the metal._

_It was cool in his hand. He swallowed harshly, turning it and pushing the door forward._

He entered something like anteroom, an waiting room. There was a hall of doors, all similar, but he saw faults in them easily. One lacked hinges, another a handle. Towards the end one of them looked upside down, and for a moment he wondered if he only noticed that from installing so many doors. He stepped in, his grip on the knob falling away.

When he turned back, the entryway was gone, just a wall, which left him with a sense of impending doom or wonder. With a resolution in his step, he went to the doors.

"It's a room," He said, but his voice fell away there. It sounded, which was wrong; and Leon's voice didn't press him to continue.

Was he still under hypnosis? Had he fallen asleep, or passed out, or-

_Well, knock if off. _

That voice again. Roxas took a deep breath. "Alright. Let's see."

He wasn't burned by any of the doors, which was an improvement, but neither did they open. He pulled the knob from one, and didn't bother with those unhinged.

_Now that you mention it, it's... kinda intimidating._

Roxas turned to the voice, and found there were stairs where he'd entered, a set leading up and the other down. _I'm tired of making choices, dammit,_ walking towards them with something that might have been dread or anxiety. With some recollection of previous hypnosis attempts, he tried to grab onto ever sensation as he considered the stairs, each flight in turn.

Up seemed fairly unintimidating. The stairs were clear of dust and debris, clean and reflective. It boasted a handrail, a straight shot with a turn at the top. It was not an intimidating ascent, and he saw something like fluorescent light drifting down from beyond the edge. He could almost catch a scent, something like disinfectant, but it danced away from him. _There was safety,_ he thought.

So he turned, inspecting the down stairs and their spiral, a gentle curve out of his vision. He felt breath coming from it, a draft from a carelessly opened window. The scent was not of wind, though, more of spice from a long time passed, both warm and iced at the same time. The stairs themselves were wood and worn. Familiar but not entirely remembered.

And there he stood, betwixt and between, wondering.

"Stairs. Right." He took a deep breath, sighing, wondering, "But which way?"

_Down two floors, at the end of the long-ass hallway._

This with almost a mocking tone, and Roxas thought to himself that the voice might not have said it originally. And because he'd said down, Roxas almost wanted to follow the stairs up.

_You'll be fine. Just trust me on this._

A shiver through his heart; but he had to trust him, had to follow the path, had to do something, couldn't just stand there. He stepped down the stairs. He expected darkness as he descended, but the brightness seemed to increase as he went. There weren't any lights, though, no fixtures to speak of. The light wasn't coming from anywhere, it just was, and of this he was glad.

The stairs seemed to go on forever, and subconsciously Roxas realized he'd been counting them for no particular reason. He'd reached something like a-hundred-four when they stopped, ending in, as he'd guessed, a long-ass hallway. But, just like the stairs, the corridor curved and twisted, so he couldn't be sure how long it was. Or if it was empty.

_I should've told you about that sooner._

"Would have been nice," He muttered, but followed anyway.

The air moved around and past him, stronger now, but it paid him no mind. He couldn't stop himself from thinking, though most of it was nonsense. About numbers, about losing himself, about hiding in the dark and fading into it and looking for his heart. About doors and keys and numbers, because he kept coming back to numbers.

_13, 1 + 3 = 4, four being twice two, four twice being eight, 4 + 3 + 1 = 8, 4 * 3 + 1 = 13._

_1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13. Fibonacci numbers. 1, 3, 8, 13. _

And here his thoughts were almost sensible, as he wondered, _Was I thinking the numbers, or was the voice and I was just remembering?_

_Did I break you?_

"You're making me lose my mind," Roxas answered, without too much conviction. "How long is this hallway?"

"It's right here!"

His eyes went wide, and now he was running. Because that voice he knew, and hearing it in this hall, in this dream, was terrifying. Another curve, another twist. And then it opened, and it was an attic, the attic in a house their family had stayed in for a summer when they were young, and there was Sora, all of six, bringing out an old book with the excitement a hidden treasure will bring.

"Sora...?"

Bright blue, trusting eyes found his, and he ran to him, stopping short. "See, I told you we'd find something!"

Roxas tried to meet him, but he felt the resistance that dreams sometimes throw up, like an invisible wall. So he sat, staring at his brother.

"Do you remember this book?" Sora asked, suddenly shy. "I think you remember this attic, but you found the attic without me, so this book might have been lost when you..."

The blonde nodded, his voice thick when he answered, "I remember. It's about stars and shadows and being strong enough to overcome them. I remember, Sora."

Which drew a smile and, "I'm glad. Do you remember the doors, though?"

"The doors?" And for a moment, he almost took it back, fearing what Sora would say, but he just laughed.

He opened the book, turning through it, finding the page he meant. "Some people are doors. They hold things back, they separate. Sometimes, they are a blessing that keep the bad things out, keep the scared and vulnerable safe inside until their stars are strong and bright and they can take on the shadows."

"But sometimes," Roxas interjected, remembering softly, "Doors are a barrier. They lock people away. They keep them from going out and finding themselves, from becoming who they want to be. They can be selfish, not wanting to share them, or jealous, wanting people to only see them."

Sora smiled again, adding, "And some people are keys."

"Who unlock the doors," Returned his brother, "Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse."

He felt so old and stiff compared to Sora, and it made him ache for that innocence. He wanted to be there, beside him, pouring over the book as they had the first time.

But Sora was setting the book aside, curling his knees to his chest and, again shy, asking, "Do you remember what we decided about doors and keys?"

"I was a key when we were little. Or, I guess-" And he couldn't resist a smile, "When I was your age. Because I made sure you talked to people, made sure they paid attention to you. That was how we made friends, I showed them how amazing you were. It was good for you, in case you haven't seen. You're exactly who you're supposed to be."

Self-conscious of the compliment, Sora just shook his head and added, "But Roxas, you changed. The amnesia made you a door. It kept everyone out, even me, and it kept you in, away from us. Because you thought you were one of the shadows that eats stars, and you didn't want to be. But Roxas, you found a key, you found YOUR key!"

"...Yeah."

Sora nodded, and with a nervous look he warned, "So now you have to choose. You can stay locked. Keep everything separate, keep things organized and controlled. Or you can risk it. He's the key."

Roxas swallowed harshly, asking, "How do I choose? How do I get there?"

"This is where you choose." And Sora stood up, holding his hand out. "You come this way with me, and I take you to see him, and he unlocks everything. Or we go back up the stairs, up to the hospital, and a part of you will be trapped here with me forever. And that's how you keep control."

_Try. Roxas. I think you're supposed to try._ I_ don't want to walk away from this. I don't want to walk away from you. I want the chance to prove _that.

Now he knew it was Axel.

_But I'm trying to- I don't know, I guess I'm just trying. I said I wanted to try, and I'm sticking with that._

And softly, tenderly, he smiled, standing. Because that was him, and it meant everything. He reached for Sora's hand, and when he took it and started walking with him everything was different.

He realized they were eye-level, that he was small and nervous, and they were taking the path together towards his key.

"I'm scared."

Sora squeezed his hand, smiled. "When we first learned how to swim, Dad told us to keep going, remember? Didn't show us how, didn't give us advice. Just keep going. And we did. So just keep going."

Just keep going.

* * *

He opened his eyes in a hospital bed, eye facing the ceiling. Why was he in the hospital?

"Roxas?"

Turn to the voice; red hair, green eyes. Fear. Sadness. Pain.

"Who-?" But then it came back to him, and he vaulted out of the bed, throwing his arms around him. "Axel!"

He felt him relax, return the embrace without hesitation. "Gods, Rox, I thought I lost you."

"What happened?" Roxas asked, without letting go.

Axel loved that. He answered softly, "Seizure. Suspected trauma somewhere on your head, there's a bruise-"

"Where?" He pulled away now, feeling his scalp, looking for tenderness.

Calmly, Axel pressed his fingers between Roxas's and led them to just behind his right ear. It was swollen, and pressing it caused bright spots of pain. "There."

"Ow," Roxas murmured, resting himself against Axel's chest again. "It hurts."

Kissing the top of his head, Axel agreed, "It's going to hurt, kid, until they get you into surgery."

"Surgery, what-?" He glanced around, not recognizing anything, "Why am I going into surgery?"

With more patience than Roxas ever had, Axel explained, "There's a bleed in your head, Roxas, and they don't know why. They're just going in to see what can be seen."

A frustrated sigh, but Roxas relaxed against his lover again and wondered, "Anyone else know?"

"They called your parents," Axel replied, adding, "I called Naminé and Sora. He's on his way."

"...Before Sora and I started school," Roxas recalled, "We had to go to the doctor for our shots. And we needed an annual check-up anyway, but Sora... He had some kind of infection, or that's what they thought it was. Turned out later to just be some superficial bug, didn't even need to be looked at, but because they were looking, it... he started school late."

Axel didn't want, didn't _dare_ to ask. Because Roxas shouldn't be able to tell him that, because he lost Sora when he was eight, and that would have happened before that.

Roxas ground the heal of his hand into his eyes, thinking, "Where's Aerith when you need her, she made plenty of sense. I don't want to go into surgery."

_How can you..._ Axel cleared his throat, asking, "Roxas, what are you talking about?"

"I can remember it," Roxas answered, soft and logical. "Or I think I can. Sometimes, I guess, I can. Sometimes it's all there, from starting school with Sora to talking about my clock and your coffeemaker. But then it's all gone, and I can't even remember my name or where I am or why. It comes and goes and it's wrong, it's not mine. There's too much snow on the roof, they say the roof will cave in."

A pause, then a light chuckle and he sat up to smile into Axel's eyes. "I can remember us dancing to a Norwegian song about chickens. Isn't that silly? Because I don't know Norwegian, and I certainly don't know how to dance. Or do I, because then I remember taking a class with Sora and Kairi and Naminé in middle school. But still, you weren't there."

Brushing a hand over his cheek, Axel murmured, "And I don't know any songs about chickens."

"My point exactly." Roxas pressed their lips together, melting against him, loving the way their bodies drifted away and nothing matter but the contact of their lips.

Then he pulled away and hated himself for saying, "Forgive me."

"For what?" Axel asked, but without the teasing he meant to add, knowing that Roxas was serious.

With a deep breath, Roxas answered, "Axel, promise me something. If it happens again, if I lose you, don't let it break you. Even if that means you have to leave."

"You want me to promise you that I'll leave?" The redhead sounded on the verge of tears.

Roxas shook his head, replied, "No, Axel. I want you to promise you'll let yourself leave. You don't owe me anything. Remember?_ No, I wouldn't bounce back right away, but I won't waste away pining over you_? That's what you said before I moved in, when I asked if you would wait for me. I'm not saying don't wait, Axel, but don't wait forever. Please?"

Axel wanted to argue, to fight and insist they'd be fine.

"I promise."

Suddenly Roxas sat up, staring at him, eyes wide.

"I never told you." To Axel's confused face, Roxas explained, "That Sunday, after Reno went to jail and we watched Corrine, we... I called Saix, and told him I wasn't coming in, and I realized-"

He voice faltered, and he looked around, as if he thought something was missing, and Axel didn't ask. Then his eyes were wide again, and he returned his stare to Axel.

"I love you."

Axel felt his pulse racing, just a little, his eyes feeling far wider than they should. Like he was trying to wake up, only to find he was still awake.

Roxas rested on Axel's chest, adding contritely, "And this is a terrible time to tell you, but I... I have to, while I still knew it. I'm sorry, I just-"

"One more time." His arms wrapped around the smaller frame, shaking and breathy as he begged, "Just tell me one more time."

Without hesitating, Roxas slid his arms around Axel's neck, whispering, "I love you, Axel."

But there was no more time. Leon was back, knocking graciously, calling in carefully, "We need to get started, Roxas."

So onto the gurney went Roxas, and through the doors and away without half a chance to say anything else. Just as he was almost out of reach, Axel managed to stop their flight.

"Roxas-"

With a tired, aching smile, he answered, "I know. I know."

And then they were gone.

* * *

He saw the parents rush into the waiting room; there was something familiar and wrong about them, but Axel could tell they were Roxas. They waited for about fifteen seconds, then demanded to be wherever Roxas was going to be after surgery. The nurses resisted, but in the end, what Axel assumed was genetic tenacity won over and they were escorted to the recovery room.

But he had no desire to be in that room. His spot was the waiting room.

Soon Sora arrived, and Axel wasn't entire surprised to see Riku walking in behind him. Sora stood, looking lost, until Axel pressed a hand to his shoulder. The brunette folded, refusing to cry but needing that support, and gladly he gave it, holding him for just a moment. But he knew his place, and asked to go wait with his parents. He was allowed without issue. Riku opted to wait with Axel.

When they were alone, Riku asked, "Is he going to be okay?"

"He's a mess," Axel answered with almost wry tenderness, adding, "He um... It's all or nothing, I think, at this point. He made me promise to let myself leave."

Riku nodded thoughtfully. But he was shaking, and for a moment Axel was almost angry, wondering if he was scared that Roxas losing everything would impede Sora's forgiveness. But then Riku looked at him, and the fear in his eyes was genuine, the sadness there was for the loss of his friend. _He's known them both their whole lives,_ Axel thought.

"Will you leave?" Riku cleared his throat, elaborating, "If it's nothing, will you leave?"

Axel couldn't look away, and barely managed, "If I leave, I won't be gone forever. I love him too much to just... I can't not come home to him."

"Then I hope you go home."

* * *

Hours passed like minutes.

A doctor came and, between some crazed doctor babble and half-genuine sympathy, managed to tell him that the surgery went smoothly, that they were just waiting for Roxas to come back around.

The group grew bit by bit, but not by much. Naminé and Kairi weren't far behind Riku and Sora, and Kairi took to pacing and being frantic. Axel mused, more to himself than anything of consequence, that she was only doing so because someone should, and because Riku and Naminé were too sensible to, and Axel was worried he might kill someone if he did.

He sat there, trying to think of something serious. What he should be doing. What he should do if Roxas woke up with everything. If he woke up with nothing.

But all he could do was remember the silly things they'd done and said, knowing his world would never be the same, even if he left.

Knowing he would never be able to watch Red Dawn without thinking of him.

Knowing there was a picnic table in a park that would always be their place.

Knowing the beach wasn't the same anymore, wasn't quite right without him.

Knowing nothing was right without him.

"Sora?"

He stared up at the concern in Kairi's voice.

The brunette stood in the doorway, shaking, eyes bloodshot and watery.

Without asking, Riku was walking to him, hands wrapping around his head and holding him close, the smaller's hands over his and completely crumbling against him.

And Axel knew.

There was nothing.

* * *

Tell me you didn't see this coming. I mean... I'm sorry. I'm just sorry.


	24. Circumscribe

I'm trying really hard to finish this story soon. I can't draw this out anymore.

**Warnings:** Nothing too serious. Well, sort of. Anyway.

* * *

"He... Okay. I understand."

Though he wasn't sure he did.

"Are you okay?"

Though he wasn't sure he was.

"No, don't worry. I'll find him."

Though he wasn't sure he could.

Demyx stood, one hand on the door into the university library, where his lover was waiting. Hell, he was late, thanks to that phone call. Hell, if it weren't for that phone call he'd already be sitting with Zexion in their cubby eating lunch like they always did.

Hell, if it weren't for that phone call, he'd...

But he forced himself to push the door open, to walk up and meet the concerned stare.

And Zexion turned and said something to an associate, grabbing Demyx's hand and leading him up to his office. Without asking, because a part of him already knew and already knew better than to ask, he pushed the blonde into his chair, settled himself in his lap, and wrapped his arms around the shaking shoulders.

"He lost everything."

Sighing, Zexion just held him a bit closer.

"Woke up in the hospital, looking so confused, so lost, and he... He didn't know his own name." With a breathless bark of laughter, he added, "Twenty-something years of memories, gone. And they still have no idea why..."

At this the librarian pulled back, hands cupping the sides of Demyx's face. "I know, Demyx, I know."

Demyx hadn't thought about the effect such an event would have on him, more concerned with Axel and, to a degree, Zexion; when his eyes burned with tears, he realized that Roxas was just as much a part of his life as he was Axel's, and losing him wasn't what he thought it would be.

"Easy, Demyx, easy."

He let himself cry for a while, heeding his own advice that it was sometimes better to just let it happen. When he was finally able to collect himself, he pulled Zexion's hands from his face, wrapping his around them. With a soft smile, he accepted Zexion's comfort as he kissed away the tears.

"What are we going to do?"

Swallowing harshly, Demyx answered, "I have to talk to Axel, he... He was there, and when Sora came out to tell them, he just... Naminé didn't see him leave, she doesn't know what he... I can't let him stay in that apartment anymore, it'll destroy him."

"...Bring him home." When he was fixed with a bemused stare, Zexion reiterated in a resolved voice, "We'll make it work. Bring him to our place."

Demyx tried to calm himself, wondering, "Are you sure-?"

"Yes."

Which caught his eye, surprise, love and gratitude in his stare.

_You're too good to me._

* * *

He found Axel in the park, bothered by canaries and cardinals near an elementary school. When Demyx approached, he managed a somber smirk.

"That sad, pathetic look means you know," He offered, as Demyx sat beside him.

With a conceding nod, he replied, "Naminé called when she couldn't find you. She's worried, you know."

"Yeah, I thought she might," Axel seemed sheepish, quiet. "I just... I had to go, I needed to think. I couldn't breathe there, you know..."

Looking at his face, he knew the redhead had already cried for a time, and if he never knew Axel he could see that he was not far from crying again.

But he would let him come to that on his own. "Yeah. I know what you mean."

"I, um..." This with the decisiveness that came with hours of thought, "I might need some help packing up the apartment."

Demyx asked, cautiously, "You're leaving?"

"No, it isn't just that." Axel cleared his throat, adding, "I talked to Sora a few hours ago, and his parents think it'd be best to... they think he should move back to their home, so he can get back on his feet a little at a time. I offered to get his stuff together."

_It isn't _just _that_, Demyx thought, asking, "But you are leaving?"

He didn't answer at first, and Demyx almost regretted asking. But then, there was that half-smile, the one he'd remembered from months before, from even years before. Though when he tried to remember a time before Roxas, it was fuzzy at best.

"Before he went into surgery," Axel murmured, "He made me promise that I would leave. He said that I couldn't let this break me, even if it meant leaving, and I... I promised him I would."

Which was a far braver thing than Demyx thought he could ever do himself.

Quieter now, Axel continued, "And then he told me that he loved me. That he'd known that he loved me since your birthday. But the doctors came in and everyone was running around so I... I never got to tell him. And now, it doesn't matter. He lost everything. He lost himself."

"Don't." Barely a whisper, barely a word. "Axel, please, don't. You're already hurting enough, don't do this."

Finally breaking, finally crumbling against his best friend, Axel knew he was right. Knew he was only killing himself, thinking about it so much, telling himself there was something he could have done, a chance he'd missed to save his lover. But he couldn't stop himself.

"The Roxas I know is long gone."

* * *

"You sure about this?"

With a noncommittal shrug, Demyx replied, "I wasn't, but he wouldn't let me argue. Not that I-"

"I know." Axel smiled, but the gesture didn't reach his eyes. "I'm not helpless, you know, I don't need to be looked after."

Demyx was driving and didn't answer at first; when they reached a stop light he turned with a serious expression. "I know you're strong. I know you don't need me to take care of you, and I know you'll be okay. But you're my best friend. You've always been there for me, and I'll be damned if I'm not here for you when you need me. I'm not going to let you go through this alone."

They locked stares. Demyx was scared, Axel could see it, and he was almost ashamed. But the light changed, and they continued on their way.

"I'm flying blind, Axel," He admitted softly. "I'm scared. I don't want this to be like Larxene."

Axel couldn't respond as they arrived at Demyx's home. As they walked up the front steps, though, he grabbed Demyx's arm to stop him.

When the blonde stared at him, not quiet confused, Axel wrapped his arms around his shoulders, murmuring, "I'll make you the same promise. I wouldn't break from this."

"I hope not," Demyx replied, returning the embrace. Then, with a slight teasing in his voice, he asked, "So did you spend the night in the park? You look a bit rough."

He managed a sheepish chuckle, answering, "Not just in the park. I was a couple of different places, you know, just... wandering."

"Well, Mister Brightside," This as they crossed the threshold, "You look like you could benefit from a hot shower. Now of with you!"

Axel rolled his eyes, but did as instructed. He passed Zexion in the hall; the smaller looked him over before grabbing his hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. Axel took this for what it was (the closest thing to a hug Zexion felt comfortable giving him), smiled and continued on his way. Zexion moved to Demyx, who needed more than that and scooped him into a tight embrace.

But he felt something like restraint, and he released him with a concerned stare.

And then he saw the suitcase.

Pure panic spread through his entire body. He shifted his eyes to his lover, asking, "Zex, what-"

"You said he can't stay in that apartment," Zexion explained quietly, refusing to meet that look, "And I don't want to get in the way of-"

Demyx quickly interrupted, "Please don't leave, I can't... Zexion, please."

"I'm not leaving, I'm just going," With a tender smile, interlacing their fingers. "He's important to you, and right now, he needs you, Demyx. Take care of him, don't worry about me."

Shaking all over and still terrified, Demyx begged softly, "Tell me this matters to you. Tell me you care."

"...What do you mean?" Zexion asked, not quite gently but without judgment.

His lover swallowed harshly before answering, "I've always jumped to take care of him. I leave you for him, every time, and you let me. You never ask me to choose you-"

"Because you don't have to choose," He raised their hands, pressing his lips to Demyx's fingertips.

"And it never bothers you?"

He wasn't afraid that Zexion would ask him to choose; this the librarian knew. Demyx was afraid that, if told to choose, he would stay with Axel, and lose Zexion.

And seeing, and knowing, what losing love was like is enough to scare anyone.

What really terrified him was the pain that would follow walking away from someone he loved.

So Zexion kissed him, softly, as if he was wind on water. And he replied, honestly, "It bothers me. Not that you're taking care of your best friend, not that he needs you and knows that you'll come when he calls. It bothers me that you think going to take care of him means leaving me. I never feel like that. I've never felt left or abandoned, and I won't leave or abandon you."

"You're leaving right now."

Which garnered a sigh, like a patient and loving _Oh-that's-what-this-is-about_ breath. Demyx wouldn't look at him, childlike and nervous, contrite and demanding.

"I'm going because I know you'd never ask me to, and because I know you'll be here when I come back." Another soft kiss, "And I will come back. Always, every time."

Demyx was completely wrapped up in his voice, and softly, he asked, "Always? No matter how many times I leave, or you leave, you'll always come back?"

"Always."

Their eyes locked, finally. When he saw the resolve and compassion in Zexion's gaze, Demyx felt at once more willing to let him go and yet more desperate to keep him there.

Zexion kissed him again, all faith and desire, adoration and tenderness.

And then he whispered, their lips still touching, "I'll always come back, Demyx, because I love you."

* * *

He'd managed to get water in his ears, Axel realized as he walked out of the bathroom, steam following him. The apartment was quiet, which he knew was strange (this is Demyx, after all). But then, just barely loud enough to catch, he heard a soft arpeggio coming from the balcony. Having always been jealous of that area, he went to the sliding door that led outside.

Demyx's building was on a street of older buildings, some as old as the town, and his balcony slipped over the street. The blonde himself was seated, one leg dangling between the bars, his old acoustic guitar nestled in his lap. He smiled when Axel sat with him, and the redhead knew something was different or the same and he wasn't sure what to make of it.

But it didn't take Demyx long to murmur, "Remember when we were kids, when we first started hanging out, and I always said _There's a plan,_ whenever something went wrong?"

"Yeah," Axel chuckled, feeling more exhausted than he had that morning. "It was your catchphrase. Made me think you were always scheming."

Hands still dancing across the guitar's neck, Demyx explained, "Nah, not my plan. I guess it was my way of saying everything happens for a reason."

Axel asked, daring more than he thought he should, "So why did you stop saying it?"

"I... It was after Reno's accident." Demyx reluctantly put aside his instrument, facing his best friend. "I just couldn't see any reason for that to happen to him, or to you. So I stopped saying it."

Which ruffled Axel's feathers, just a bit, but he nodded, understanding.

Then Demyx added, with a thought look, "But I've been thinking... That next summer, when we came here instead of going back to Radiant Garden, that was when we decided to close up the band. And you and me, after that, during holidays and school breaks, or if things got too crazy at home, we came here."

"And things got crazy a lot, after that," Axel offered with a wry smirk.

Demyx returned the gesture, continuing after a moment, "Things are still crazy. I keep thinking, if we didn't come here, you wouldn't have your job, I never would have met Zexion, or Roxas, and none of the last six months would have happened. Our whole lives were affected because we came here, and we came here because of that accident. So I'm thinking... there might be a plan after all."

Sudden realization hit, glancing back into the apartment, Axel asked, "Where is he?"

"He left."

Axel's head snapped back, eyes wide in disbelief. "Left?"

"Yup," Demyx was far too calm, and he added with a soft smile, "He didn't want to throw a wrench into the workings of our machine."

Completely confused, Axel asked, "He just left?"

Demyx stood, walking inside, adding over his shoulder, "He wanted to give us plenty of time to get you back on your feet."

"Wait, hold on, Zexion left because of me?"

He laughed, which didn't calm his friend in the slightest. So he explained, "He's not leaving permanently. He'll come back when he thinks it's a good time."

"I don't understand," Axel was rubbing his eyes, following Demyx in.

To which Demyx responded, "I'm not sure I do, either. But he said he'd come back. There's a plan."

"Explain the plan to me," Was the sardonic request that Axel always made after such a statement.

Demyx answered in a voice that showed he'd thought on it at great length, but slowly, so he wouldn't lose the redhead's attention.

"If Reno hadn't been in that accident, we never would have come here. If we hadn't come here, I never would have met Zexion. If I hadn't met Zexion, I wouldn't have moved here to work at that bar. If I didn't work at the bar, you wouldn't have met Roxas. And without Roxas losing you and you having to stay here, Zexion wouldn't have told me he'd always come back because he loves me."

* * *

That was the last serious conversation they had that day. The rest of the night was spent watching poorly made foreign films, making fun of bad actors, and having a popcorn war.

When they gathered their wits the next morning, they set out for Axel's apartment, boxes in hand. Whilst dawdling in front of a not terribly intimidating doorway, it was more than apparent that neither of them wanted to open the door and set to their task. Demyx wasn't going to push Axel to it, and Axel wasn't sure he was ready. But he had to, so he opened the door.

For a while, he just checked through the space. Everything was as he'd left it, the night he'd taken Roxas to the hospital. Hell, the soup was still on the stove.

But then he turned to Demyx, took a deep breath, and instructed, "Let's get started."

"Where do you want to start?"

Axel swallowed his ache, answering, "Start with the pictures. I'll start on our room.

_Please, Gods, make me a stone._

* * *

I cried. Just so you all know, this isn't any easier to write than is to read. Deep breath, everyone.


	25. Tenterhooks

**Warnings:** Um... No, not much here. The time is drawing nigh, though. Soon, it will happen.

* * *

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

Swallowing harshly, he replied, "Yeah. I just... I can't abandon him. Even if he doesn't realize I am, I can't do it."

"Okay. Just take your time."

He nodded. Because he had nothing but time, now. Because nothing mattered without that sun and sky.

The red light flashed on. And resolutely, he murmured, "Hey. Roxas."

He felt his voice break, and tried to continue evenly, "Good to know you made it home alright. I was a little worried you wouldn't find this, but... Anyways, I just wanted to say I'm sorry; and um... I knew this was coming, but it just... caught me off guard more than I thought it would, so... I'm not gonna be around for a while."

"I'm not-" He quickly reprimanded himself, "I won't let you go, alright? I just want to make sure I can keep things together like this..."

His heart was thumping painfully in his chest. There was a sadness in his voice, a regret he felt in his whole body; fingers, cheeks, fingernails, heels, and even the tips of his hair ached with loneliness.

But he just took a quiet, strengthening breath, adding what he thought could be his last words to the one person who had wrecked him so completely, so easily, so wonderfully, "I know things are gonna be tough for you, but trust yourself. You've got a good head on your shoulders and an amazing heart. Live your life, kiddo. I'll see you around."

* * *

And like that, the message was over. With shaking hands, Roxas opened the machine and pulled out the tape. In neat, black-ink handwriting, it was signed: **Sincerely, The Cassette Tape** in uneven script.

Quickly he turned, hearing footsteps following from down the hall. His mind searched, trying to remember the sound, to put a face with it, and then a name.

_Sora._

When his brother walked in, he breathed more easily. There was comfort to be found in the brunette's face, he was learning. Because he had been there, first and foremost, when he had woken up. And he had stayed with him since that day. And, unlike most of the people Roxas was finding to be a part of his life, Sora wasn't walking on eggshells for him, and without hesitation joked and teased and laughed. He didn't expect anything of Roxas, and for that, Roxas was grateful.

One thing that he was unsure of, though, was that Sora would not answer any questions about who Roxas was- or had been. The blonde was not sure how he felt about it.

"Looks like everything's packed," As he looked around, adding when he saw Roxas's hands, "What's that?"

Honestly, Roxas answered, "Not sure yet."

"...Wanna talk about it?" Sora asked, and when he shook his head, replied lightly, "Alright! Let's get this packed up."

As they moved further into the apartment, Roxas inquired, "Who packed the boxes?"

"Couple of Naminé's friends," Was the easy, if belated, response.

Roxas mulled it over, but shrugged it off without too much concern. Naminé was another face he liked instinctively, and while not as talkative as Sora, she accommodated his questions better than most. She was the quiet moment of contemplation in response to the incessant questioning he gave his brother. He felt like calling Sora his brother should have been strange.

But it was all he knew; it was no different than the feeling of calling himself Roxas.

He realized Sora had been talking, and heard the end of, "But it's all pretty well organized, so we should be able to load it all up and get back in one trip."

"Are you-" Clearing his throat, Roxas asked, "Do you really think I should go?"

Sora paused, considered this. "Back to Mom and Dad's?" When the blonde nodded, Sora took a deep breath before answering, "I think that it'd be a good idea to get back on your feet without the weight of the world on your shoulders. I think you should get straightened out, figure out who you want to be, then go be that person. We'll just be the safety net."

"Do you think I'll need a net?"

With a small laugh, Sora answered, "Probably not. You just gotta keep going, and you'll do it, all on your own, and we can't hold your hand the whole way, and honestly, I don't want to."

This gave Roxas something like a hopeful feeling, but it was a confused emotion. On the one hand, he didn't want Sora (or anyone else, for that matter) feeling like they needed to take care of him and bear his weight and carry him around. On the other, he wanted to know, if he needed a hand, he would have one to take.

"But Roxas," And this as he wrapped his arm loosely around his twin's shoulder, "I'm not saying I'm not going to be there for you. I'm saying I'm giving you the chance to try without me."

And he smiled, and Roxas smiled back. Because this meant they would be okay. _Doesn't it?_ Because Sora read his mind, and that was okay. Because this meant they would always be brothers.

This meant they could learn to be friends.

* * *

Surprisingly, Roxas was not traumatized by his wake-up in the hospital, so going back for his weekly consultation wasn't a problem. He had trouble maneuvering the halls at first, and had somehow ended up at the end of an extremely long hallway in the delivery and nursery wing, but he'd learned the layout since then. He always went the same way, passing the same people, smiling and exchanging greetings. When he'd first walked into the psych wing, some of the attendants seemed surprised at his demeanor. They told him that he didn't usually seem so confused.

When they learned why (and he was surprised they hadn't before), they apologized; Roxas had brushed it off easily.

His doctor was called Leonhart, but he had told Roxas that he preferred just Leon. That first visit, they hadn't discussed Roxas at length at all. Talked more about the weather, what Roxas had planned for the following week. Things that they might have discussed any other time. When the blonde came back, Leon asked how he was doing, which gave Roxas a chance to bounce a few thoughts.

There was comfort in this office, and he'd come to understand that was because he and Leon had been involved in this relationship for quite some time. Roxas had curled himself up in an warm, worn armchair, not turned away from his psychologist, but face watching the street and rain outside. He liked the rain, he thought.

"I keep wondering who I am," Roxas explained, "And no one seems to be able to tell me. It's like the last stretch of my life was spent away from the people I know now, and I don't know who I was with during that time, so that part of who I was is more lost than the rest. I keep thinking there's a way to find it, if I look hard enough, but..."

Leon supplied, "You don't know how to look?"

Roxas nodded slowly, adding, "Everything sort of feels... borrowed, you know? Like my room is more Sora than me, like my clothes and shoes and everything belong to someone else. I must like them, I think, because I must have bought them, or they were given to me, but if I didn't like them, would I keep them? But I don't like them- well, not all of them."

"What don't you like?"

Taking a deep breath, he replied, "I have a wristband, black and white checkered, that I woke up with in the hospital. It was in my things, so I put it on when I left, but it... It doesn't feel right." He was still wearing it, though, and was playing with it, musing lightly, "And my hands are soft, I mean... not soft, but softer than I feel like they should be. Like they used to be rough, but they're growing soft again."

"I feel like that about all of me," Roxas admitted shyly, "Like I used to be something, and now I'm going back to what I was before that. Like a callus, healing over. But I miss the roughness."

Carefully, Leon murmured, "I'm going to give you some cryptic wisdom. Bear with me. The sun rises today and sets again. A flower that bloomed in the morning falls from its stem. The sun sets today and rises again. Flowers bloom to fill the land; but these are not the flowers of yesterday. Do you understand?"

_I don't understand anything._ Swallowing the remark, he reasoned, "The past is the past, and I'll never get it back?"

"Almost," Leon answered with a small smile. "It means that your calluses will come. The world is a hard place, it causes roughness in everyone, which gives us character. It makes us human, and how we take that roughness makes us who we are. But the calluses you had are gone; they won't grow back in the same. You won't be the same as you were."

For a moment, Roxas was quiet, considering this. Finally, he asked, "You have been my doctor for a few years, haven't you?"

"Yes."

With an aching shiver, he continued, "And what you're telling me is the Roxas you knew is gone?"

"...Yes."

He took another deep breath, sighed, and gave the brunette something of a tender smile. "Then I should just let him go, right? That's the only reasonable thing to do. Move on, and just keep going."

"Is that what you want to do?" Leon asked in return.

Shrugging, Roxas returned his stare to the window. "What else can I do?"

* * *

Roxas woke up, for what seemed like the thousandth time that night. His heart was racing, but his breathing was normal, and he didn't feel panicked. He hadn't woken with a start, or jumped from his position of rest. His eyes just slid open, without effort, as if blinking, as if he'd just closed his eyes for the briefest moment.

And oh, how he hated this routine.

Every night, every so often, he would just wake up, pulse elevated but otherwise still sleepy. He had accepted this, which seemed the only logical response. No one would (or could, for that matter) tell him if this had been a part of his life before his loss, so it was conceivable that Roxas would always have this problem. As it was, it was more of a nuisance than a real concern.

He glanced across the room. Beyond the far wall was Sora's room, Sora's bed, Sora. If he strained his ears, he could hear him snoring, and on occasion talking in his sleep. Down the hall, his parents, who still were at odds with him, and he with them. The morning was not quite broken, the sky pre-dawn grey through his window. Outside, the streets had not yet decided to start the day; as he stood, looking down into the city, the streets still lazily blinked red and yellow, trusting those up early or late enough to see them to use what sense they had to maneuver through them.

Taking a deep breath, he murmured, as he sometimes did, "A far-off dream, like a scattered memory... What is it?"

But the sky held no answer for him. Or, perhaps, like his brother, it chose not to give it.

Roxas shook his head clear, going for his morning shower. _I shouldn't be so passive aggressive,_ he thought. _Sora isn't telling me for a reason. _Roxas meant to be reasonable, because it was easiest on everyone. He still asked questions, though he had stopped expecting an answer. At least he didn't have to hear I-know-but-I-won't-tell-you, which would have made him crazy. Sora genuinely did not know much about him; that fact was enough to make him want to be less like who he'd been.

But he still wanted to know that person. Because, he reasoned, whoever that person was had something good in him; elsewise there wouldn't be so many people trying to help him and take care of him.

Right?

* * *

Months passed.

He had elected, after some debate internally, to set aside the Roxas that he used to be. He has stopped asking 'did I-', and asked instead, 'did he-'. Not that he often got answers, only about some simple and inconsequential things, such as the way he signed his name and folded his shirts. Most of his sessions with Leon were focused on the future, with only a few sessions for reflection, and even those about his progress since that Roxas had been lost. Leon seemed unsure about this, but he never voiced any concern with such aside-setting.

Roxas had moved back into the apartment he'd lived in. He was surprised to find a helpful-sized amount in his bank accounts, and with those funds, and Naminé and Sora at his side, had refurnished his home and settled in. He went to work in a bookstore near the university campus, and was waiting for the fall term to enroll. The staff there were more than accommodating to the idea of Roxas attending.

For the most part, Roxas was proud of himself. He stood on his feet, and heard with his ears, and was surviving on his own.

But there were still things he didn't understand, and more than a handful of them. He felt locked in a space between rooms, like he had knocked and was waiting for someone to open the door; waiting patiently, because that was reasonable, and he wanted to be reasonable. Because that made everything easier. He'd stopped asking Sora questions altogether, because he'd seen that not being able to answer was breaking the brunette's heart. He didn't ask, didn't argue, and just kept going, though sometimes it was like swimming through sand.

Against what he thought was common sense, Roxas hadn't told Leon (or anyone, for that matter) about the cassette tape. He spent hours trying to memorize the voice recorded there, listening and learning the lilts and rises of the emotion in it. He knew he shouldn't obsess so much, but it was all he had of _someone_, someone who had known him, who knew him very well (he thought), and he almost thought that this man, whoever he was, would be someone to tell him about the Roxas he used to be.

People moved around him; the crosswalk had changed, and he quickly rushed across the road. Today had been a work day, and his apartment was calling him. The bookstore was an odd place (called _Betwixt and Between_), and Roxas had not yet learned to be at ease there, but he did not dislike it, and it was enough to pay the bills for a while. He was content.

As he walked past the door of what he learned was a bar, he managed to slam his shoulder into someone's chest, and quickly apologized.

But he looked up, and the face he saw wasn't annoyed or dismissive, as most were, but surprised. And, as Roxas look, his eyes grew wide, and he understood.

Quickly, the taller blonde muttered something like "Don't worry about it," and tried to shuffle along.

"Whoa, wait!" Roxas grabbed his arm, holding him there, asking, "You recognize me, don't you?"

The other had stopped, and he nodded, answering in a quiet, tenor's voice, "Yeah, I know you."

"But you didn't try to talk to me," Roxas continued, "So you already know why I didn't recognize you?"

"Yeah, kid," Finally, sea-green eyes returned to his, nervous and concerned, "I know I'm new to you."

Roxas had a thousand thoughts flying through his head, but he released his grip before asking, "You just-"

"Trust me, Roxas," This with what was almost a wry grin, "I don't need you to make me feel guilty about leaving-"

Shaking his head quickly, Roxas answered, "No, that's not what I meant, I just... Will you do one thing for me?"

"What..." With a sigh, he nodded, "Yeah."

Roxas swallowed harshly, asking, "Will you tell me about him?"

He saw goosebumps rise on Demyx's arms, and when he asked, "About who?", Roxas almost wanted to know about whoever caused such a reaction.

But he answered instead, "The Roxas you once knew?"

* * *

"You came back here?"

They were on their way up the stairs to Roxas's apartment as the younger answered, "Yeah. I couldn't stay there forever, you know? I had to keep going."

"Well, yeah, that makes sense," Demyx agreed as they stepped inside, though there he paused for a moment.

Of course, he hadn't expected the apartment to look the same. He'd moved all of Axel's stuff out, left it an empty shell, and, of course, Roxas would have had to build his own home. But Demyx couldn't be prepared for the complete change of the space. The layout was almost backwards, the shapes and colors and patterns at odds with... well, everything. Not that the apartment was furnished poorly; but it was so different that he had a hard time believing that Roxas and Axel had ever lived there together.

"I'll be right back," Roxas excused himself, almost shyly, "I'm gonna get out of this uniform."

He went down the hall, but as he did, Demyx could see that even he wasn't sure about the layout of the room. As he passed a table, a chair, a bookshelf, he reached out, tracing the side of it, not from fondness, but so he knew where it was and could avoid it. Demyx continued to inspect the room, saving his question for Roxas's return.

But when he came back, Demyx again found himself distracted. Because Roxas was pulling a worn, black hoodie over his head, one that Demyx had known for years. Because he himself had sewn in the dark red lining in the hood (Reno's cat had its way with it). And because he hadn't seen it in months. Since Roxas had lost everything.

"Do you, um... Do you always stare like that?" Roxas asked sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck with nervousness.

Shaking his head clear, Demyx replied, "Sorry, I was just thinking about the apartment."

"Oh. Yeah, feels wrong, doesn't it?" He turned, scrutinizing the room himself. "I mean, I'm happy with it, for the most part. But it just isn't right. I'll wake up, stumble out of my room, and end up running smack into something because it doesn't belong there, even if I've left it there for weeks. And for a moment, I'll know where it's supposed to be, but then I'll actually wake up and it'll be gone."

It almost amazed him, how easily Roxas explained it. Even after all the time he'd known him, Demyx had never gotten such a simple and open answer.

He realized he was staring again, and noted, "You look like you're swimming in that hoodie."

"Feels like it sometimes," Roxas agreed with a soft smile, explaining as he went to the kitchen, "But it's comfortable. I don't know why, but I like it. He didn't have anything else like it, I mean, so... I don't know. It was in a box of stuff like that, you know? Stuff that was way too big to be his, but Sora couldn't tell me who they belonged to. No one would."

As he began brewing coffee, he added a bit more softly, "No one will tell me anything, really, not about _him_."

Which had started to bother him, just a little; the fact that Roxas kept referring to himself as another person, in regards to before he lost everything. In a way, Demyx understood. People did what they had to in order to stay sane. Hell, even Axel. If that was how he stayed sane, Demyx would grudge him that. Because, in a way, he was a different person, wasn't he?

Demyx leaned against the counter top, watching Roxas work. _He doesn't look like himself,_ he decided. Though, of course, Roxas hadn't changed, there was a simpleness in his expression that Demyx wasn't sure he understood. He was so much easier to read now, without years of practice and effort to hide protecting him. Like he didn't know to hide from the world.

"No one will tell you?"

He shook his head, answering, "I mean, it's not that they won't tell me, but it's like they can't. Sora can't, I mean, I... I guess they weren't together a lot."

"I never met your brother," Demyx mused quietly. "I know he was off with his university for that last six months, but you'd been keeping your distance for a while."

Roxas stopped, facing him in confusion, asking, "Why would he do that?"

"Do you know about your amnesia, from before this, I mean?" When Roxas nodded, he continued, "Well, you were afraid of losing him, or something about him, and you thought it'd be easier on the both of you to just minimize the risk of him knowing you lost something. Because if you didn't know and he didn't know, it was like you never lost it."

Blue eyes clouded over, and again, Demyx was amazed at how easily the emotion played on his face.

Finally, he shook it off, and asked, "So how did you know him? How long?"

"Um... We met about a year ago, maybe a year and a half, I guess," Demyx answered. "I work at that bar, the one I ran into you at, and you came in every so often after you were done working for the day. I mean, we didn't really start knowing each other until six months before you... Well, before this time, I guess."

Nodding slowly, Roxas continued in a tentative tone, "Were you... close to him?"

"There's not a simple answer to that," Demyx replied with a contrite tone, explaining, "We were in a way. You didn't keep people close, not like most people, but I... I was lucky enough to catch you just as you were starting to open up. We had an awkward sort of friendship, I guess, but then, I'm kinda awkward when I want to be."

Roxas managed another smile, and with a soft sigh admitted, "From what I hear, he was sort of a loner."

"You." He couldn't take it any longer, and when Roxas gave him a confused look, he carefully placed his hands on the younger's shoulders before he elaborated, "You are Roxas. The Roxas I knew may not be the same person you are now, but you're still Roxas. _You_ were sort of a loner. _You_ didn't keep people close. Yeah, I know it hurts to not know why you were that way, and it sucks that you have to take responsibility for that, but the Roxas you used to be was more than that. _You_ have a good head on your shoulders and an amazing heart, and you got that from who you used to be."

Demyx watched as Roxas's face grew red; _Maybe no one has confronted him on this._ Which, from what he knew of Sora and Naminé, would not have surprised him. They would let Roxas do whatever he needed, whatever he wanted. Demyx did the same thing with Axel. But he couldn't do it anymore, not when it was breaking Roxas this way.

"So um," Roxas cleared his throat, and quickly Demyx released his hold. But Roxas smiled, and asked, "So tell me about me, then. About who I was."

Glancing into his coffee, Demyx noted, "You used to put milk in your coffee. And honestly, I don't know how you don't now. Coffee is terrible."

"I don't much like milk anymore."

"That's why you're short, you know."

* * *

For hours, Demyx found ways to tell Roxas about himself without bringing Axel into it. Because he wasn't sure the redhead would want him to, and he wasn't sure he could explain why Axel had left (hell, he couldn't really explain why _he_ had left). For the most part, Roxas was glad to hear his story, though at points some of his questions couldn't be answered.

"Why did I go to the hospital in the first place?" He amended after a moment, "I mean, the last time, before the surgery."

Though Axel had told him (in the half-way that Axel sometimes did) why they'd gone to the hospital, Demyx didn't want to tell Roxas that. And so, softly, glancing away, he replied, "I'm not sure."

"...Is it bad that I think you're lying?" Roxas asked, an almost sad, tender smile flashing across his features.

Demyx turned back to him, with a mirroring expression. "No."

"But you won't tell me?" This wasn't accusatory, wasn't demanding, wasn't even really angry.

With a deep sigh, Demyx finally explained, honestly, "There are some things I can't tell you, Roxas, not even me."

"Okay," Roxas stretched out,curling back into the hoodie before continuing, "Can I asked about something you said today, though?"

Confused, the other replied, "Yeah, go ahead."

"When you said I had a good head on my shoulders," Roxas opened a drawer in an end table, "It reminded me of something, and I wanted to know if you knew anything about it." He pulled out the cassette player. When Demyx's eyes widened, just a little, he remarked, "So you do know it. But it's not your voice, so... who is it?"

Their eyes locked, and it drew pause from Demyx. Because he wanted to stick to his guns and say he couldn't tell, but there in Roxas's eyes was something he'd never seen- at least, not from Roxas. And he wondered, softly to himself, if it had always been there, and Roxas had just been really good at hiding it. But Demyx knew what was there, and he knew it from Axel.

Roxas was terrified. He was so scared that he was losing hold of the most important thing in his life, that there was nothing he could do, and even if there was, he was scared that he would chose to let go of it, because that was the best thing to do, because it was reasonable, because it was already gone and he wasn't getting it back.

"My best friend."

* * *

Why did it take so long for me to write this?

No answer. But I hope you'll forgive me for it. I had more planned to put in this chapter, but I'm going to save that for the next chapter, a phrase which here means, "THE END." There were many reasons for this, but mostly because I'm not sure it would have been a good idea to put so much in one chapter and hold off the update for an undetermined period.

Anyway. Thanks as always for reading, thanks moreso if you decide to review. There's just the one chapter left, and while I might not have it by New Years, it shouldn't be too much longer after that. I promise to have it up well before the two-year mark in February. Have a safe holiday, everyone!


	26. Renaissance

**Warnings:** Mansex. Mwahaha. Kinda. And um... It's the end. So, you might not want to look... Well, it's too late now. Carry on. More info at conclusion.

* * *

For a while, all he could do was sleep.

Sure, he woke up and ate and talked, and even went to work. Sometimes he was a whole person.

But even when Axel was there, coherent and alert, he was a thousand miles away. He always felt like he was sleeping, like he was always dreaming. It was exhausting, keeping himself together all the time- going to work and talking and eating, existing, it was all so tiring, and there were times when he didn't think he could do it anymore; but he had to do it (he'd promised, hadn't he?), so he tried.

The least he could do was function.

So sure, he woke up and went to work and ate and talked and carried on like he was sound and whole.

But then he came home to Demyx, who knew better. And he would look, asking without words if the stars had started shining again.

Axel would just shake his head.

_I'm not okay yet._

Somehow Demyx got his best friend to eat, because even that was more than he thought he could do; but usually after eating, Axel would just curl up and sleep. Sometimes he'd stay awake and talk with Demyx about inconsequential things; kids in the park, strange billboard, a cat that tried to follow them home. Sometimes he'd call his brother and talk about his niece, people Reno met at 'the office'.

He thought about calling Naminé. Or Sora, or even Riku. But he couldn't do it. So he'd sleep.

When he couldn't sleep, he'd sit on the balcony, staring out into the city, wondering if Roxas was out there. Wondering if he was happy. Wondering if he was safe.

Wondering if he had moved on without him.

* * *

Demyx allowed it, for the most part. He hadn't expected Axel to bounce back completely, and he was ready to give him all the time he needed to learn to live without Roxas. The hard part was keeping himself from acting the Mother-Hen and hovering over the redhead, which had always been second-nature for him. Axel never had to ask for space.

He was never far away, though. If Axel was on the balcony, Demyx was at the dining room table, watching him through the open door. If he was on the couch, curled up and desolate, Demyx was in the chair on the other side of the room. Close enough to be called, but not close enough to touch. Because, and this Demyx knew, even _he_ reminded Axel of Roxas.

And Demyx missed the punk. After that break with Axel, after the hospital, things had settled into a good rhythm. He and Roxas... They'd never been close, not like he and Axel. But in their own way, each had let their guard down; Demyx was past 'tolerating' Roxas for Axel's sake. He'd loved Roxas for loving Axel, and after a while, he'd loved Roxas for being Roxas.

He kept waiting for Roxas to come and get him, waiting for either he or Axel to call the other and apologize and get over whatever the hell had happened and move on.

Waiting for them to go home to each other.

"Did you talk to Zexion today?" This from the dining room, where Axel sat at the table as Demyx cooked.

Nodding when he regained his thoughts, because he'd been startled by the soft, rough tone of Axel's voice, Demyx replied, "When you were in the shower. He's visiting some of his family."

"That's good."

_You're so simple-sounding,_ Demyx remarked tenderly, but he couldn't help but agree. In a way, he knew what Axel was going through, albeit not to the same degree. But he hadn't seen Zexion since Axel had come to stay and he had finally, finally told Demyx he loved him. And he was never going to hear that enough.

Axel had taken to long showers, sometimes upwards of two hours. It was usually during these intervals that Demyx managed to call his lover, and those were the times that kept him going when he was completely at a loss for how to help Axel. Zexion wouldn't have much to say (not that he really ever did), and neither, really, would Demyx. But they could just sit there, listening to each other breathe, knowing the other was right there (if only for a moment).

Then, softly, warmly, Zexion would murmur, "_I love you, Demyx._"

"Mmm," Demyx would respond eloquently, unable to keep from grinning when he replied, "I love you. I miss you."

"_I miss you too,_" And even that had always been hard for Zexion to admit, and it broke Demyx's heart to hear him say it. "_I miss being home with you._"

With a sigh, Demyx answered, "It's not really home without you."

In those moments, he was reminded of his reasons for getting Axel out of that apartment.

* * *

Things continued like that until one day Naminé called, asking, "_Think we could get coffee or something?_"

"I, um-" Axel cleared his throat, finding himself shaking, cold and nervous.

As if she could hear it, Naminé added, "_I just want to talk, Axel._"

"But I don't know if-" He shook his head, clearing his throat again, continuing, "I'm not sure I'm ready."

Seeing Naminé would be the hardest thing he could imagine doing. Seeing Naminé, because her face was so much like Roxas, _and Gods, I miss him_. He wasn't ready to tear open that wound.

"_You'll never be ready,_" She murmured, and Axel knew she was right, "_But sometimes you just have to push through that._"

They met for coffee in a shop the redhead had never been to, for which he was grateful. They didn't talk a lot at first, each taking a careful score of the other.

Naminé could see the change in him, the way his eyes were closer to grey than the bright green she remembered, how his voice ached and broke when he spoke (as if he'd forgotten how to speak). In a way, she had hoped he wouldn't have fallen this far; it reminded her so much of when he and Roxas had fought, however long ago, when Roxas first lost him. In a way, she'd hoped Axel would be okay.

"You look tired," She observed softly, starting with a mostly safe topic.

With a small chuckle and almost smile, Axel replied, "All I do is sleep anymore."

"Losing weight?" Was her next inquiry, and when he nodded, she asked, "But you have been eating, right?"

Axel nodded and explained, "Demyx makes sure I eat every day. Not always a lot, but something. I work, I talk, I eat. Almost like a real boy, huh?"

She couldn't make herself laugh at his attempt at a joke, but managed a smile before continuing, "Almost. But we know better, don't we?" When he didn't respond, she murmured, "He misses you."

"No, he doesn't," This with a rehearsed, forced tone, and he reiterated, "He doesn't miss me. He doesn't remember me."

Naminé considered letting him believe that, but she shook her head and softly disagreed, "Some things don't go away, Axel, and you know that."

"I did," He answered. Glanced away, took a sip. "I went away. I left him."

Of course, she didn't have a response for that, because it was true.

He continued, softly, "And maybe someday, when he finds himself, he'll find me... But maybe he won't. Maybe I'll stay lost, like Sora was all those years. Just a missing piece."

After a moment, she offered, "Memories are connected, like links in a chain. Those same chains are what anchor us all together. Rox-"

"Don't, please," Axel choked out, grinding the heel of his palm into his eyes, "Just don't. _He _was the one saving _me_, Naminé, not the other way around. I have to- I gotta learn to save myself before I try to save him. And knowing that he's _right __there_ and there's nothing I can do to help him is killing me, so just- please, don't."

His outburst left her startled, and when he looked up to her, she looked away, which was strange for her; in all the years of counseling Roxas, she'd always stood before his stares.

There was something in the ripped-apart lilt to his face that made her feel ashamed.

Because she still had Roxas.

Quietly, Axel sighed, murmuring, "I'm sorry. I just..."

Naminé nodded, and decided to risk adding, "Axel, the biggest thing you can do to save yourself is to keep moving. You've shut down. You have to wake up."

* * *

After a few weeks, maybe a month, he finally did. He laying next to Demyx, and had expected the blonde to be asleep (it was near four in the morning), but he was staring back. For a while, they just stared at each other, and it made him think of all the countless times that this had happened; Axel, bruised and broken, waking up to find Demyx waking up, just to check, to make sure he was breathing.

Someone once told Axel that he and Demyx had an odd relationship. That they were too close.

But he couldn't imagine being any further away. "Hey, stranger. Come here often?"

"Not so often anymore," Demyx taunted back, voice crackling with sleep. "Usually just peek through the blinds."

Axel chuckled, asking then, "Were you watching me sleep?"

Nodding, honestly, Demyx replied, "Not the whole time. Every now and then I'll wake up to make sure you haven't disappeared, but I usually get back to sleep."

"That's significantly less-stalker-ish, I'll admit," Axel decided. Clearing his throat, he continued, "Get some sleep. We'll pick this back up tomorrow."

When morning broke, they did. Axel told Demyx that his brother had found him an apartment (_For when you're ready,_ Reno had insisted), and Axel thought he was ready. Demyx nodded slowly, but couldn't form a response at first. On the one hand, he was glad that Axel wanted to keep going. On the other, he was scared for him.

As if sensing this, Axel gave him a smile, a genuine one, which Demyx hadn't seen in weeks. "I'll be okay, Demyx. I promise."

"Okay, Axel," Taking a deep breath, Demyx repeated, "Okay."

* * *

Just like that, he was awake. He came back to himself, moving to the apartment overlooking a park on the other side of the city (how Reno had managed it for the price was a mystery (but Axel suspected it had to do with his work, and so wouldn't ask)), started putting effort back into his work; he even started spending time back in the world with his friends and family.

It wasn't easy, Axel had expected that; but some of the moments that bit the hardest were a surprise. Seeing the way Demyx held on to Zexion, when the smaller returned home. Waking up at four in the morning, alone and curled around a pillow. Having his niece overnight when Reno and Rikku needed a night off. But he was getting by well enough.

Then, one day, Demyx called him as he was leaving work. "_You're not busy, right?_"

"Am I ever busy these days?" Axel replied, with a small but real smirk.

"_It's an honest question._" He sounded distracted, and there was silence for a moment before Demyx continued, "_Can you head over here to Lufaine?_"

Rolling his eyes, Axel answered, "I still think your boss needs a better name."

"_Yeah, well, tell Cid that when you get here, okay?_" Demyx replied in a tense-sounding tease.

Alert now, Axel asked, "Everything okay, Dem?"

"_I- Yeah, it's alright. Just get over here, okay?_"

"...Yeah."

* * *

He stood there, with the door just barely open, eyes wide and staring.

Demyx saw him, said something to his cohort, who stood nervously, waiting for the elder to pass judgment.

Axel wanted to run. Wanted to hide.

He wasn't ready to see Roxas, not there, where it all began. He wasn't ready for this.

Quickly he turned, walking back out into the cool, crisp night, heart racing, trying to collect himself.

"Wait, just-!"

Roxas reached out, grabbing his arm, and Axel wanted to tear away from him. Because he wasn't there, because this wasn't real, because if it wasn't real it wouldn't hurt.

But he was there, holding him tightly, begging him, "Just please, talk to me. Please."

So Axel looked at him, his whole body moments away from acting without his consent and either disappearing forever or wrapping around Roxas and never letting go.

Then, softly, so quietly he himself almost couldn't hear it, Axel murmured, "Hey. Roxas."

* * *

"Did I ever dream?"

They were walking to where Roxas lived now, Axel almost nervous to find out. This was the first thing Roxas had said, since Axel had proved himself.

Clearing his throat, the blonde continued, "I don't now, and um... No one seems to know if I used to. I mean, Sora says I did when I was young, but I don't..."

"You-" Axel tried to swallow around the thick feeling in his mouth, explaining, "You didn't a lot, but when you did, they weren't- they were usually bad."

Roxas considered this, asking, "How bad?"

Axel glanced at him, timidly, committing his face and hair and eyes and gait and smell to memory. Then he asked in response, "Have you seen The Sword In The Stone?"

"Um... Yes," Roxas nodded almost triumphantly, adding with a smile and shy glance of his own, "I like that movie."

Surprising himself, Axel chuckled. "You didn't when you first saw it. Ever since you were little, you've had this nightmare where you're running in the woods towards Merlin's house, only when you get there, it's a cave, and there's pools of water. And when you fall in the water, it gets really weird- Like, sometimes you're the bird, or the squirrel, and then you end up in the house, but that Madam Mim is there, and she's a dragon, and just when you're about to be eaten, she laughs, and you wake up."

At first incredulous, Roxas laughs; and Axel falls in love with that laugh all over again. In love with his smile, his hands, his ears, the corner of his neck and shoulders where Axel would hide bruises.

When he managed to sober, he asked, "Were they all that silly?"

"No," Axel replied honestly, "Sometimes you... there were nightmares."

"...Tell me?" When Axel hesitated, Roxas added, "Please?"

He took a deep breath before he explained, "There's one where you're all alone on an island. It's sunny and beautiful, but you're all alone, and it scares you, and it goes on forever. Sometimes you try to swim out to sea, but you never get anywhere. But sometimes you can find this tunnel, in a cave, and there's a door that leads to a hospital- and kid, you hated hospitals."

"Can't say I much like them now," Roxas agreed softly.

_Can't say I blame you_, Axel remarked, but continued, "So you go to the hospital, but there's no one there either. Just shadows, as if the people were there, and you just can't see them. But you know you're supposed to be somewhere, so you start running through the halls, looking for that room. Sometimes you don't make it, but... When you do, it's all white and big and open, like a cathedral, and there are twelve people in black cloaks sitting on these thrones, and... And one of them tells you, _You were never supposed to exist,_ and..."

"And then I'd wake up?" When Axel nodded, Roxas mused, "I told you about these nightmares?"

Nodding again, Axel replied, "The first one was more of a joke. I'd had a weird dream one night and told you about it the next day, and you brought it up. But the second- when you woke up, you were having a panic attack. We weren't together long before that, so I still freaked out when you couldn't breathe, but when you calmed down, you told me. I don't think we slept that night, I mean... When you had that that dream, you usually didn't sleep, and I'd wake up and find you curled up against me, wide awake. That was how I knew."

He almost thought there was a rid hue to Roxas's face, but the blonde just muttered, "Was I that easy to read all the time?"

"Easy? Ha!" This not quite as chipper as he meant it, though Axel managed to sound teasing as he explained, "You were a lot of things, kid, but easy was not one of them."

Which made Roxas pause, and instantly Axel wanted to apologize (but he wasn't sure for what). Then, quietly, Roxas asked, "How long did you know me?"

"I... Six months," He replied just as softly.

And that was all they said, for a while, and they fell into a comfortable silence as they continued. Axel could almost pretend nothing had changed, if he didn't know better. If Roxas wasn't so...

Not Roxas.

He seemed like such a ditz, like he wasn't paying any attention to the world. It was funny, in a way, because Roxas had always been just shy of paranoid and hyper vigilant. Seeing him now, not focusing at all on the people around him, the traffic, even Axel at times; seeing him watching the sky as it turned to twilight, as the stars thought about peeking from beneath their cloudy blanket, turning immediately to listen to birds and dogs and sometimes just to listen. He seemed more awake now, more in the world but so far away from it.

Like he was seeing everything for the first time, and wasn't sure what to do with it all.

When he turned into the building where he, presumably, lived, Axel was startled to realize it was the same as their old apartment. More so as the elevator stopped at the right floor, as Roxas lead him down the hallway and straight to their door like it was the most natural thing in the world. But Axel couldn't follow him in, lingering in the hallway.

Roxas watched him, looked around the apartment before saying, "It hasn't been easy being here, but it seemed like the best thing to do."

"Yeah, I-" His voice crackled, and he cleared his throat to reply, "I didn't think you'd be with your parents long, I just... didn't think you'd come back _here_."

Glancing away, almost contritely, Roxas answered, "I thought... I thought I must have been happy here. I thought I might be happy here, but it- Come inside."

Axel still hesitated, but managed to force himself through the entryway, closing the door behind him.

He ignored how wrong everything looked; how nothing was the same (_but how could it be?_), how very sad it made him to think of Roxas putting this nest together all alone. Roxas, who was standing in front of his kitchen table, fingertips brushing circles on the top, as if it were familiar. But then it wasn't; so maybe it was to make it familiar.

_I should have been here for him._

"Demyx said," Roxas attempted softly, "That we- we lived together here?"

Unable to form words, Axel nodded.

Roxas nodded with him, adding, "And we were... involved?"

"Something like that, yeah," Axel replied, his voice husky and dark.

Which drew a glance from Roxas, and an edgy, "Something like that, or that?"

And that question sounded so much like his love, and not at all like how Roxas had been talking, that Axel wasn't sure how to respond. The younger stood there, not quite steady, curious but shy, wanting, but not sure what he wanted. And all that insecurity was frightening to the both of them. That nervousness was what had brought Roxas back to his voice.

Then suddenly, he shook his head and murmured, "I'm sorry. I don't know how to talk about this. Any of this, I just..."

Axel pressed his lips together for a moment before sitting at the table in front of Roxas; when blue eyes found his, he offered a soft smile.

"When we first met," He explained, watching Roxas sit across from him, "We were both just looking for a one-night thing- well, not exactly _looking_, but it didn't bother us."

Roxas was fascinated by this, asking, "Was it my idea or yours?"

"Um... I think it was mine," Axel answered honestly, with a small chuckle. "A few weeks after that, I ran into you back at Lufaine, which sparked an argument, and after that it was... touch and go, I guess." When Roxas gave him a confused stare, Axel explained, "You didn't want to be in a relationship. You had this noble concept that you could keep from hurting people if you just kept your distance."

That Roxas understood, offering for clarification, "Like with Sora?"

"Yeah," Axel replied, continuing, "Except you loved Sora, and you didn't love me. But I just asked for a chance to help, the only way I thought I could. After a few weeks, you moved in here, with me, and from then it was... Well, it was still kind of touch and go," This with another chuckle, "Not just because of your amnesia, I had my own problems that put stress on us. But it was good."

Quietly, apologetically, Roxas asked, "Did I ever... lose you?"

Axel had to swallow before answering, his mouth suddenly dry, "Once. You'd lost my name a few weeks after you moved in, but we'd more or less recovered from that. About six months after we met, you came home from work one day, and just... had no idea who this guy was, standing in your kitchen."

"I'm sorry."

Shaking his head, Axel rebuked, "Don't be. You didn't chose to do it, any more than you would now."

"Was that why I went to the hospital," Roxas asked, "That last time?"

_Gods, the hospital._ Axel replied, "No. You'd started having nightmares, and hearing voices-"

"Voices? What do you mean _voices_, was I crazy or something?" Roxas seemed so alarmed at the thought, Axel almost wanted to laugh.

Not at the alarm, but the face. So he quickly continued, "Calm down, it's okay! I mean... It had something to do with me, and the amnesia. You weren't crazy, kid."

"Yeah, sure, okay," He managed to relax, and Axel couldn't stop himself from chuckling now. "What are you laughing at?"

Axel replied, honestly, if thoughtlessly, "I've never seen you like that."

When Roxas didn't respond, Axel turned to Roxas and saw the most confused look on his face. But the more Axel looked, the more it seemed like worry, like the sheer panic that flooded his face when he couldn't breathe in the middle of the night, when he suddenly realized he'd lost something. And when he realized that, Axel realized he'd caused that look.

"Rox, I-"

He was cut off by a harsh laugh, and Roxas remarked, "No one calls me that. But I guess that's who I was to you, wasn't it?"

Suddenly he was standing, asking, "But if I've never been like _that_, how was I? How did I react when I started hearing voice? Relieved, anxious, paranoid? When did I tell you? Did I wait? Did I hide from you, the way you're hiding from me now? Did I-"

Roxas paused, pressing his hands to his lips, as if he realized he was shouting. More softly, he turned to Axel and mused, "I still know things. I know how to drive a manual shift, I know how to play piano, I can speak Chinese and read blueprints and understand recipes- I can do all these things. But there's so much I don't know."

"But you know them," He continued, not quite accusing, but close, "You know how to sit there and hide what you're thinking. You know how to sound detached and distant, how to pretend nothing bothers you. And me, I don't even know how to tell when you're pretending- well, yeah, I do."

Axel didn't know how to respond, trying as he stood, "I'm not pretending-"

"You are," Roxas disagreed. "You're pretending the same way I am. I don't know how to be myself. I can't do anything without wondering if I'm doing it right, if that's how I would have done it, if this is what people would expect from the _Roxas_ I used to be. The Roxas you loved and who knew you and knew your name. I don't even know your name."

To his heartache, there were tears at the corner of the blue eyes he loved so much. Axel didn't know what to do.

Without warning, Roxas laughed, asking with a bittersweet smile, "Did we ever fight? I've never fought with anyone. I don't think I've ever been angry, not really. Frustrated, sure, but even then at myself. Did we fight about stupid things? Did we make up easily? How did I apologize- Hell, did I even apologize at all?" Softly, he asked, "What do I have to do to be him again?"

Axel cut his eyes away, unable to watch this breaking. _I'm so useless._ "Be you, kid. That's all you can-"

"Gods, I don't want to hear it." Roxas shook his head, muttering, "You stand there, barely watching me but watching me, talking in that voice that's dark and soft, and I- I don't know how to stand in front of you, or look from the edge of my eyes, or speak with that voice, or-" And here he stopped with a breathless chuckle, then a stifled sob, then a calm stare.

Then Roxas stepped over to Axel; reaching for him, he pressed the lightest kiss to the elder's jaw, and when Axel tipped his head to meet his eye, Roxas took the chance he'd been aching for, sealing their lips with callowness and timidity, briefly before pulling away, fingers toying with the hem of Axel's shirt.

With another mirthless chuckle, he continued, "I don't know how to seduce you."

_Oh, fuck._ Axel couldn't resist that voice, the one Roxas didn't know, the one that slipped into his heart and pulled and, here he was, falling back into those blue eyes. Kissing him hotly, but slowly, steadily, loving the curious touch and soft moan and _oh, FUCK._ Axel was never going to be able to stop, but he had to stop, _Stop Dammit!_

He managed to break the caress, his gaze fuzzy and soft. His hands wrapped around Roxas's face, tracing the lines of his eyes and cheeks and lips.

"I'm all kinds of messed up, kid," He murmured, almost joking, breathlessly adding, "This is a bad idea. I've got no self-control."

Roxas shook his head slowly, his entire body shaking at the promise of something he still didn't understand. When Axel kissed him again, he struggled with that not-understanding, but his instincts guided his hands to Axel's neck, and when the other's arms wrapped around his waist he couldn't help feeling like missing this was what kept him waking up at night.

_A scattered memory like a far-off dream... _Without another thought he wrapped his hands around Axel's face, as the other had to him just moments before, adding, "Please."

Which made Axel want to cry.

So carefully, he lifted him from his feet; a chill ran down his spine when Roxas wrapped his legs around his hips, remembering the feeling and loving it. But he looked to Roxas, and knew that, of course, he couldn't remember that feeling. Hell, Roxas had no idea what he or Axel were doing. Maybe he knew, but he didn't _know._

Despite the resolve in Roxas's voice, though, Axel could see the nervousness written on his face.

Axel kissed him again, tenderly, softly, murmuring, "Trust me?"

Roxas wasn't sure if that was a question (_do you trust me?_), a request (_will you trust me?_), or a suggestion (_just trust me._), but he pressed his lips to Axel's, losing himself there. Because _that_ felt right; not familiar, not exactly, but _right_ in a way that his apartment (_our apartment?_) never had, the way sleeping alone wrapped around pillows never had. Right in a way he himself hadn't been since waking up.

Everything about Axel seemed so very-very-_right_ and it was driving Roxas insane.

When Axel started walking, and Roxas knew where he was going, he felt something like fear in the pit of his stomach, but with every step he realized it wasn't fear. He wasn't yet sure what it was, but as long as he was there in Axel's arms, he knew (_somehow, because what do I really _know_?_) that he didn't have to be scared.

Axel laid him down on the bed, hands resting on his hips; Roxas's arms were still wrapped loosely around his neck, holding him close but without restriction. And for a while, Axel just stayed there, watching him, kissing his lips, his eye lids, his temples and jaw and nose. Because every part of Roxas was dear to him, and he missed and wanted to re-memorize them all. His hands traces the softened lines of abdominal muscles, along the ribs, from his shoulders to elbows and back.

He loved the way Roxas's whole body shook, how he stretched into every touch, even when a part of the blonde (_some crazy part_, he thought, _that says he should be reasonable_) was trying to resist. Axel knew that feeling from his own attempts; not to be reasonable by any means, but just trying to not rush him into anything he wasn't ready for. _Fuck_, Roxas wasn't ready for any of this. _Fuck_.

Roxas, whose hands had begun stealthily following Axel's example, one drawing shapes on his chest, the other threading through the red spikes, scraping his nails over Axel's scalp with every shift. Legs holding him close, abdomen pressing against his, kissing him all in coyness. Pulling away, locking stares, kissing him all over again and again.

Roxas, who could barely breathe and didn't care in the slightest.

And then, ever so slowly, so carefully, Axel pressed his palm against Roxas's bare belly, fingers spreading lightly over his skin. He felt the sharp gasp at the contact, and was ready to completely pull himself away and apologize and run to confess to a priest, but he felt Roxas, without hesitation, arch against him and taking a firmer grasp on Axel. So his hand began to drift, over the still-so-ticklish ribs, along his back and trembling spine, returning to his navel. Featherweight pressure, constant kiss, agonizingly and wonderfully slow pace.

Off with the shirt, joined on the floor a moment later by another.

Bare chests met tentatively, hearts beating erratically and echoing in the quiet room; Axel could practically taste the endorphins rushing through his system, trying to keep his poor little heart from bursting into the whirling vortex it felt like. Roxas was shivering, goosebumps all over his body, and some part of Axel wanted to kiss them all away.

Instead he pressed his hips against the smaller's. Roxas's face was warm on his shoulder, hiding from the green eyes that wanted to know _Am I scaring you? Am I hurting you?_ He cupped a hand around Roxas's delicate chin, pulling him to meet the questioning stare. But it wasn't pain, wasn't fear playing over his features. Just something like suppressed want and passion. Something real.

When he pressed a bit more firmly, Roxas tipped his head back into the pillows, though Axel could still see the stars dancing in his vision. Hands traveling back to Roxas's hips, Axel tenderly kissed the soft flesh he'd kept bruised for months at a time, just at the juncture of neck and shoulder. He heard Roxas take a deep breath and, taking this as his cue, he pulled the blonde against him.

The startled groan that followed echoed around his head as if to make a home there, even reflecting the trembling in Roxas's voice and body that had yet to subside.

Release, pull away. Breathe. Press again.

Axel moaned when he felt Roxas rising and pushing against him, mirroring his movements. Again, breathier, as those blunt nails curled into his back, the way he remembered and missed. Another kiss as he lead Roxas back to a rhythm, _their_ rhythm, losing himself there and finding Roxas instead. He was leaving bruises, he was sure, so desperate was his grip; but letting go wasn't something he could do.

But he finally managed to loosen his hold, just enough to shyly slip his fingers below the top of Roxas's jeans, just below his navel, the center of gravity for this whole adventure. Now when he looked to those blue eyes (_Gods, those eyes!_), Axel saw the panic. But there too was the resolution, the decision to proceed despite that panic. Axel couldn't do that, though; lovingly, he sealed their lips, tongue gliding over Roxas's in a slow, steady caress. And for a moment, the shaking stopped; for a moment, they were okay, and nothing but that touch mattered.

So softly he was sure he'd only prayed it, Axel murmured, "You gotta tell me to stop." He kissed him again quickly before begging, "Tell me to stop."

"I'll die if you stop."

Then Roxas, with more tenacity than he thought he ever had, mimicked Axel's courage, reaching for him, wrapping his hands around the throbbing ache, pressing against his own.

And that touch sucked out what was left of the redhead's restraint. Axel lost the rest of the world, trapped in the touch and sounds and tastes that he missed so much. He slid his hand against the heated flesh to Roxas's cock, gently squeezing, the gasp that followed like a shot of adrenaline straight to his heart. The harmony Axel heard in his dreams enveloped them, Roxas still trying to limit his reactions as best he could, trying to stifle the moans, to steady his body, to form thought.

He couldn't, of course. Not with Axel there, touching him just so, kissing him that way, holding and caressing and rolling the two of them through the dark like he was. Somehow he was able to reciprocate in his clumsy, inexperienced way, grateful more than ever for instincts or residual remembrances or whatever the hell was going on. Because Roxas still had no idea what he was doing, or what Axel was doing to him. All he knew was that they were close, they were so close, and then they would know. And then they would be okay.

With that final arch, the broken breath and shattering being, they were home.

Blue eyes sought green, holding them for a moment. Almost remembering, almost knowing. Almost, but not quite. Axel saw the frustration there, in the tears that welled up. He kissed Roxas gently, disentangling himself from the smaller before pulling him against his chest. The tremors had stopped, so completely exhausted was Roxas in every way.

They knew the harsh truth: he- both of them, Axel and Roxas, had hoped this would knock something loose, and it hadn't. Roxas was still lost within himself, and Axel was lost without him.

"I'm sorry," Roxas whispered, "I'm sorry, I know- this is stupid and pathetic, but I- I'm so-"

Axel just held him closer, replying in kind, "Don't apologize to me. Don't you _dare_."

Now the redhead was shaking, and when he heard the breathy sobs and felt hot tears on his shoulder, all he could do was lay there, losing his religion. He felt something break inside him, like the last part of him that was good had died. Because that was the part that loved Roxas; because that part loved him more than ever, and loving him was killing him.

_That seems strange,_ he thought in his half-alive mind, _To love him, even though I don't know him anymore._

All he could think was that this wasn't _his _Roxas anymore. _His_ Roxas was gone, wasn't he, for sure now?

* * *

_He knew he was dreaming, when he woke up on the beach._

_Standing, Roxas began wandering the island; part of him knew that there was something familiar about it, but for the most part, he just didn't want to be there. _

_The water was cold, far colder than it should have been in the tropics. He wasn't sure he knew how to swim, and wasn't going to find out. Dream or not, drowning wasn't something he wanted to do. _

There's a cave here, somewhere,_ he said to himself, sure that someone had told him so just recently. In fact, he almost thought he knew where it was. There, along the wall of rock that was the body of the dream, there was a spot where the trees and plants created a shadow that looked like it wouldn't end. When he found it, he walked through the shadow into the smallest cavern he'd ever seen._

_Wryly, he amended, _I can't say as I've ever seen a cave, now can I?_ He continued down, carefully descending into the dark, damp space. The door that waited for him didn't look like it belonged to the hospital he was expecting. It was glass and steel, and when he approached, he found himself looking at an __airport. And there, waiting to board, staring at the rain, was the redhead. _Gods, I want his name so badly._ A figure in a black hood gestured to him, and the object of Roxas's prayer stood and approached the counter._

_Only instead of a ticket, he handed over his heart, boiling with flames and tears. And instead of a plane, the corridor he turned to was as dark as Roxas's was, and when he stepped towards it, he too was covered in a black hooded coat. But before he left, he glanced over his shoulder, flashing Roxas a soft smirk._

"_You're early."_

_Roxas shook his head, murmuring, "I'm thinking I'm just late."_

"_Nah, you're early." With an almost impatient sigh, he explained, "Today makes two-hundred and fifty-five days since this whole mess started."_

_He reach out, fingers against the cold glass as he agreed, "Man, time flies."_

"_So," This sarcastically, teasingly, "You got the number memorized, do ya?"_

_Which made him smile and answer tenderly, "Yeah. Have to hang onto something, right? Not like I have memories from before..."_

_Silence. Then, "Hey. Roxas. Betcha don't know why the sun sets red." _Was that... was that supposed to be a joke? _When he didn't respond, the other continued, "You see, light is made up of lots of colors. And out of all those colors, red is the one that travels the farthest."_

"_But why?"_

"_Why?" Again, silence. And then, with an odd tone to his voice, the other replied, "Because it hasn't found what it's looking for yet."_

_With that, he slipped into the dark pathway, leaving Roxas alone in the airport._

And with that, Roxas woke up, sleeping on Axel's chest, listening to his heartbeat. For a moment, he just listened, committing that sound to memory.

"Listen."

Coming back to the world wasn't easy, but Axel managed to clear his head enough to agree, "Listening."

"I-" Roxas cleared his throat, his voice low and sleepy as he explained, "You aren't going to stay. I know you're not, and I don't hold it against you."

Axel wanted to deny it, but he knew better.

Greeted by that wise silence, Roxas continued, "I know you're leaving in the morning before I wake up. So just- lie to me tonight."

_I can't lie to you,_ Axel wanted to explain. But he knew better. He knew Roxas was trying to stay sane, the way he had always done. And Axel would give him that. Because he loved him.

He loved him enough to walk away, and not love him.

Pressing his lips to the soft sunlight spikes, he murmured, "I'm not going anywhere. I will _never_ walk away again. I promise."

And for a moment, wrapped up in Axel's warmth, feeling safe and whole, and not like the heartless nobody he sometimes thought he was, Roxas almost believed him.

* * *

There was no comforting heartbeat against his ear when he woke up the next morning.

But then, he knew there wouldn't be.

Pulling himself up, Roxas stared around his bedroom. It still had that borrowed feel to it, like it always did. Sometimes he found himself almost liking the way he'd put his life together, but most of the time, a part of him, the part that wanted to remember his past, kept nagging that this wasn't his room. Kept reminding him that he was only part of this room, this apartment.

"It's just a room," He murmured to himself. "Just a room, just an apartment. Just me."

He wanted to curl back into his bed and blankets, that still held something of the scent of his once-bedmate. He knew he wasn't going back to sleep, and wondered if he'd ever sleep again without the sound of another person next to him. And not just any person would do; he was sure this was true. No heart of the street could replace that one.

"No one can replace him."

Realizing this made his vision dance; realizing what he'd said had him running to the door, throwing it open and rushing out-

But Roxas didn't make it out. Because there _he_ stood, hand raised, ready to knock. Green eyes sought blue, but fell instantly, contrite.

"I couldn't do it. I couldn't lie to you." Shaking his head, voice trebling, the redhead explained, "And I'm sorry if this hurts, but I- I'm not sorry. I know it hurts, because I've been living with it, but I can't do this anymore. I can't live without you. So if we have to start all over again, I'll gladly do it. I don't care how long it takes, Roxas, I just-"

Roxas stopped him, wrapping his arms tightly around his neck. He felt the other's relief when he returned the embrace.

"I love you, Roxas. I love you too much to leave again."

Quickly, Roxas released him, smiling as he met the loving gaze.

Then he pressed a quick kiss to his best friend's lips, whispering, "I missed you, Axel."

* * *

That's it? THAT'S IT?

Well, yeah, that's it. That's the official end. I'm more or less happy with it, I think. Over the course of this story, I've put the boys through a lot, and I've been through a lot. I've lost and gained friends. I've lost and found myself, more than once. And now, I can close the door on this, happily, because it is perfect. Can I take a moment to talk about that word? "Perfect". It doesn't mean flawless, you know. It comes from a Latin word that means "To make complete".

_Sincerely, The Cassette Tape_ is far from flawless. Everything, from the opening paragraph to the quiet interludes, even this ending could be improved. But even in this blemished form, it is finished and whole. And you, reader, writer, friend, whoever you are, I hope you've enjoyed it.

I'm going to write an epilogue for Feb 15, which marks the two-year mark of this story. In it, I'll cover what happens with Axel, Roxas, and others. If there's anyone specific you want to know about (ones we've already met in the first 26 chapters, please), REVIEW and let me know, and I'll work them in if possible. There will also be one question explained, one that's bothered ME as the author for some time.

Until then, be safe. Be joyous. Be wonderful and shameless. And be sincere.


	27. Addendum

Today's Chapter is brought to you by _Some Nights_ by fun.

**Warnings:** Zexion has an odd choice in breakfast. But other than that, nothing to be afraid of. Onward.

* * *

_zrrrrrrmmm. zrrrrrrmmm. zrrrrrrmmm._

He didn't bother to puzzle over the early-morning wake-up. It wasn't four in the morning, at the very least.

It was five-thirty.

Sliding his phone off his bedside table, he answered the called with a crackling growl, "If you're not dead in a ditch, you better hang up."

"..." With a sharp click, the line dropped.

Demyx decided to follow the example, letting his phone hit the floor and rolling back into bed.

"I thought we discussed your phone some time ago."

With an indignant sigh, he replied, "I had to replace my phone not long after that, you know."

"And yet, you don't appear to have learned."

He rolled his eyes. "Zexy, you are the biggest bitch when you wake up."

"I'm killing you for that in the morning." Zexion pressed a kiss to his lover's chest, adding, "You better beg for forgiveness."

"I love you."

"I love you too. But that's not enough to save you."

Defeated, Demyx answered, "I'll bring you breakfast in bed."

"What's for breakfast?"

_For the love of Pete!_ More asleep now than he'd been all night, Demyx replied flippantly, "French toast and a fuck."

"...I'll kill you Monday."

* * *

It was turning into a late morning for Axel.

Meeting Roxas had played with his sleep schedule, right from the first day. Those six months had been dawn-breaking mornings, the months after that full of late, sleepless nights. Even now, when things had calmed down, he found himself keeping odd hours. But, lying next to his still-sleeping lover, watching him breathe and dream in the morning sunlight, Axel couldn't find a reason to complain about his internal clock waking him up; he didn't even bother trying to get back to sleep anymore.

Axel could lie there forever and watch Roxas sleep.

Since finding Axel, Roxas had started to come back to himself, lining up the pieces little by little, day by day. Sometimes he wasn't sure what to do with the memories (there were years of his life that made him red in the face), but he was glad to start finding them, and loved telling Axel about his past. And Axel loved hearing about it, loved finally knowing the choices Roxas had made to get him here, in their home, their bed, fast asleep, dreaming under his watchful eyes. He was no longer afraid of the blonde waking up and not knowing him.

Which hadn't been easy. Axel had found himself having panic attacks, much in the way Roxas had, for months after they'd come back together. Never quite as severe as Roxas, since he didn't have asthma to contend with, but always at the strangest moments. Shopping for groceries, wondering if he needed to buy so much, if he'd be eating alone or not. Waking up in the middle of the night because Roxas had left the bed, wondering if he was coming back. But in time, the panic had evaporated away. He felt as safe as Roxas did, asleep on his chest.

Then Roxas stretched, catching Axel off guard. Blue eyes blinked lazily open, mildly irritated, having become accustomed to sleeping in.

Irritation melted away when he found Axel's eyes, offering him a warm, sleepy smile.

"Good morning, Axel."

Unable to resist such a demand, Axel slid his fingers through Roxas's, kissing each fingertip. "Morning."

"You know," Teasingly now, "It's not polite to stare, even if I'm sleeping."

Even though Roxas had started to find his memories, he hadn't gone back to the Roxas Axel had met, which neither had really expected. He was meeting himself somewhere in the middle, the wisdom he'd gathered over the years meeting the naivety that forgetting had brought. The awkward, clumsiness was still there, which was usually a result of him over-thinking something he didn't need to think about in the first place; making coffee, parallel parking- _seducing me_, Axel thought with a chuckle.

"Can you blame me?"

With a small chuckle of his own, Roxas remarked, "Of course I can. I can do anything."

But sometimes, in the sarcastic way he almost teased Axel, in the half-shrug of nonchalance, Axel could almost see the kid he'd gone home with two years before.

_Two years. Has it already been that long?_

Roxas asked, turning over, still half-asleep, "What time is it?"

"Almost noon."

It had turned into a _very_ late morning for Axel. Not that he was complaining.

* * *

Riku was surprised to find the door to Sora's new apartment unlocked- or he wanted to be. Honestly, he knew Sora couldn't be bothered to remember to lock the door. But all the lights were on, and he'd been hoping to surprise the brunette with breakfast. This was his routine, after all: bringing donuts and paopu juice for his best friend's birthday, only to find him half-in and half-out of his bed.

Today, however, he found Sora in the kitchen, an intense look of focus on his exhausted face as he poured over a book.

"Aren't you on break from the University?"

Nodding, Sora replied, "It's not a text book. Naminé lent it to me, as long as I don't make a mess or burn down the building."

"...It's a cook book, isn't it?" When Sora nodded again, Riku asked, "And what are you cooking?"

"Making Roxas a cake." He glanced shyly up, reminding him, "When we were younger, he always helped our mom make the cake. But since she and Dad are off on that cruise, I decided I wanted to make it."

Riku deposited his burden on the table before responding as kindly as he could, "Sora, you burn water."

"Well- Yeah, I know!" Turning back to his station, he explained, "But I won't this time! I mean, I've got the flour and sugar and coco and everything in the bowl, and I added the eggs and water and oil and now I'm going to take the mixer to it like Mom and Roxas always did. No boiling water, thus, no burnt water, right?"

And without waiting for Riku to answer, he took hold of his electric mixer, slammed it into the bowl of ingredients, and flipped the switch.

To its highest setting.

When Riku managed to unplug the appliance and the dust settled, Sora was laughing, practically in tears. His kitchen was covered in egg and chocolate, as was he and Riku.

"I must be the only twenty-four-year old in the entire world that can't bake a cake," He mused, "I can speak eight different languages, I have been in sixteen countries, but I can't bake a cake."

Nonchalantly, Riku shrugged, offering, "I'll make the cake. No worries."

"But I wanted to make it." Sora settled on the counter top, disregarding the mess entirely. "To show Roxas how much this means to me. I mean... we haven't celebrated together since we were fourteen."

Riku stood in front of him with a small smile as he said, "He'll be happy knowing you tried, Sora."

"How do you figure?" He asked wryly.

The sea-green eyes refused to meet his as Riku replied, "Because he loves you. Because love makes you unreasonably happy, even when things don't work out. You can't cook, and you don't really like to try, but you love Roxas, so you're going to try, even though it's unreasonable. And because he loves you, he'll be happy knowing he meant enough for you to try."

Before Sora quite knew what happened, Riku leaned over, brushing a splash of batter from Sora's cheek with his lips.

Then, finding the blue gems in the face he loved so much, Riku explained softly, "If Roxas loves you half as much as I do, he'd be happy with burnt toast for his birthday."

Sora didn't have a response for that; Riku hadn't expected one. He turned, running water over a towel and returning to start clearing the mess. He began with Sora's face, gently swiping over his eyes, his nose, the curve of his chin. Sora had grown a lot since they were kids, since Riku had first realized how much he meant to him. But he was still Sora.

And Riku still loved him. He was surprised when, as he finished his task, Sora took the towel from him and returned the favor. With the most intensely confused look on his face, he slowly and meticulously cleared the half-mixed cake batter from Riku's face. And his neck. And the hollow of his throat, and what was exposed of his chest below that.

He wasn't sure he wanted to kiss Riku; but he did.

And once he had, he wasn't sure he could stop.

And Riku sure as hell wasn't going to let him.

* * *

"Ready to go?"

When Roxas didn't answer him, Axel walked back into the kitchen to find him. The blonde was in the pantry, holding in his hands a bottle each of soy sauce, sesame seed oil, and whole sesame seeds, with the most amusing and confused look on his face, looking at each in turn, mumbling to himself. When he finally noticed Axel, he held them out for him to inspect.

"Just what the hell did I make with these?" He added, more to himself, "Am I missing something here? Soy sauce, sesame seeds and oil..."

Rolling his eyes with a grin, Axel replied, "Rice flour."

"...OH! Pa Jon." Thusly informed, Roxas threw the bottles back into the spice rack, answering Axel, "I think I'm forgetting something."

"Sora's present," Axel agreed, "You hid it under the sink when he was here last week."

Going to retrieve it, Roxas muttered wryly, "Amnesia may be gone, but now my memory is just shit."

"Worse things have happened," Axel remarked, and when Roxas turned to give him a sardonic stare, he pulled him close and added, "Well, did you forget we were late?"

Now Roxas rolled his eyes, smacking Axel's chest. "No, I didn't forget we were late, I just got distracted."

"Mhmm." Axel kissed him, sweetly, softly, slowly, continuing in a low voice, "You are a distraction, kid."

Which garnered a feral grin, a quick return kiss, and sarcastic, "We're late, remember!"

"What the hell is it?"

Sora was grinning sheepishly when he replied, "It's your, um... cake."

After a moment of further scrutiny, Roxas's eyes grew wide and he asked, "_You_ made cake?"

"Well, I tried," Sora disagreed, gesturing back to the result and explaining, "But I guess I skipped over the baking soda, and then the oven spazzed out-"

Now thoroughly alarmed, Roxas asked, "Is the house okay?"

"Roxas, we're in the house." Laughing at his brother's panic, Sora replied, "Riku was here, he made sure I didn't burn down the house. And after I got this for cake, he made one we could actually eat."

Axel, having managed to stay silent through this exchange, interjected with a disbelieving grin, "I'm sure you could eat it, I just... Wow, Sora."

"He's a keeper, alright," Roxas shook his head, taunting his brother, "You better marry someone who loves to cook and do laundry."

Insulted, Sora retorted, "Okay, we were eight and that was one time with the washer, I learned my lesson!"

"One time is all it takes!"

"Yeah, just look at _my_ brother, he's got a kid to prove it."

"I resent that, yo!"

Roxas laughed as Reno strolled up, his now-toddling daughter in tow, wife already escaping to the gathering in front of them. Watching Axel and Reno trade insults was nothing new, and when Corrine started adding her input (in Axel's favor), he turned back to continue his discussion of cake with Sora. His brother, however, was staring far-off at Riku, who'd just arrived with Naminé and cake.

Knowing that stare, Roxas mentioned, "You and Riku, huh?"

"Um... Almost," Sora sighed, giving his brother a flustered smile. "I'm still not sure, but I think so."

_It's about time,_ Roxas thought to himself. "It's been almost ten years, Sora. I'm not saying time makes everything better, but I think by now you should know how much you mean to him."

"Yeah, I know, I just-" He paused, considering this before explaining, "I know how much I mean to him. I just don't know what that means, you know?"

With a small smile of his own, Roxas wrapped an arm around Sora's shoulders and answered, "All too well. Here's a hint: Riku knows. Let him show you."

"I'll think about it." Sora returned his stare to the cake, adding, "Please don't try to eat that."

Roxas laughed as he assured the brunette, "I think I'd break my teeth before I got close."

When Naminé made her way over to them, and the cake was explained to her, all she could manage was, "I think it's sweet."

Shaking his head, Sora disagreed, "I'm pretty sure there isn't enough chocolate in the world to make that brick sweet, Naminé."

"In the whole universe, maybe," Roxas added, shoving his brother playfully.

Before he could retort, he heard Kairi calling him from the back yard, and left the pair of blondes to their own devices.

Naminé hugged him before he went, then Roxas as she said, "Happy Birthday, Roxas."

"Thanks," He grinned, leading her in and asking, "So how's life at the University?"

At the University, where Naminé had started teaching art composition (at Zexion's referral). She rolled her eyes and replied, "All I hear is my talents have been wasted until now."

"You wasted them on us, that's for sure," This with another laugh.

By then, Axel had returned to Roxas, making sure to hug Naminé and ask about one of her more psychotic students (named Rikku). When she refused to answer, casting a patient-but-tried look in the older woman's direction, Axel just laughed. He was standing behind Roxas, fingers looped lazily into his front pockets, holding him close. Roxas loved it.

"Still thinking about teaching elementary school art?"

She smiled at the idea and agreed, "I'm told I'd waste my talent there, too, but I feel like the people taking my class are trying to turn it into a science. They're butchering my life."

"Then here's to the eight-year olds!" Axel declared, adding, "Even though they'll never fully appreciate what you do, they'll love you for it!"

Naminé shook her head with a grin, seeing the completely content stare in Roxas eyes as Axel pulled him closer, pressing kisses to his neck. _They always go for the crazy ones._

* * *

It was amazing how many people could fit into Sora and Roxas's childhood home.

Roxas and Sora, obviously, given that the gathering was for their birthday. Naminé, Kairi and Olette, managing the kitchen (they'd stopped trusting most of the guys there); Rikku was there as well, but she was more interested in mixing drinks in all sorts of interesting ways. Having delivered the cake, Riku had retreated the the living room, watching Sora from time to time, but never quite getting caught (well, not _by_ Sora). Pence and Hayner were trying to make the grill work, aided by Axel and Reno.

Miraculously, Demyx had managed to convince Zexion to make an appearance. The smaller spent most of his time sitting quietly in the backyard, settled on a chair, watching as Demyx worried over Axel's shoulder about his proximity to the flames. His presence seemed to entrance Corrine; she peeked at him from around corners and tables, not sure if she was brave enough to approach. He would notice once in a while, turning to look at her, and she'd scurry away in the clumsy way small children do.

After a few rounds of this, however, she made up her mind, and walked over to him, stretching her arms up at his. Roxas, who'd been watching the two of them in mild interest, was surprised when Zexion reached down and pulled her into his lap, the two of them sitting just as quietly as he had been before, watching the bustle of the groups.

Scattered throughout the rest of the space were more people than Roxas knew what to do with. People he hadn't seen since before he'd stopped connecting, people he'd grown up with and away from. People he never knew missed him but had started to come out of the woodwork, proving that he'd never been forgotten.

And maybe that was what was most amazing to Roxas: the fact that he could look around and know every face there.

Feeling arms wrapping around his waist, though, he knew there was one face he would always know.

"Kinda an odd group, aren't we?" Axel asked softly in his ear.

With a warm, quiet laugh, Roxas agreed, "Well, when you take into account the bartender, the librarian, the stripper and his wife, it gets pretty odd. And that's just _your_ part."

"Not anymore," Axel murmured, pressing his lips to Roxas's temple. "In case you haven't noticed, they're here for your birthday. They're _your_ part now."

Roxas shrugged, turning around to drape his arms around Axel's neck as he asked, "So what'd you get me?"

"I've actually got a question for you," Axel answered, in what might have been a nervous voice. When Roxas just stared at him, waiting patiently, he recanted, "It can wait. I don't want to distract you."

A part of Roxas wanted to press the issue, but he didn't. Because he knew Axel would ask when he was ready to know.

* * *

Imagine, if you will, Zexion in a lawn chair with a little girl asleep in his lap. Silly, right?

Demyx thought so as he approached his lover, whose hand was absentmindedly playing with the coppery curls that hung loosely on Corrine's head as she slept. The blonde just took a seat in the grass beside them, eyes locking with the slate-colored ones opposite. He reached for the unoccupied hand, interlacing fingers and squeezing tenderly.

Zexion smiled and remarked, in his not-quite-sarcastic voice, "I think she's got the right idea. Crowds are exhausting."

"I agree. And your lap is the best place for a nap," Demyx replied lightly, adding, "I'm kind of surprised, I didn't think kids like the strong, silent type."

Nodding, mulling this over, Zexion admitted with a thoughtful tone, "This isn't unusual for me, actually. Not that I'm around kids that much, but something about me just fascinates them."

"Well, have you..." Clearing his throat, collecting his nerves, Demyx continued, "Have you ever thought about... maybe having some of your own, someday?"

He watched the red creep up Zexion's neck as he was suddenly struck mute. Not that Demyx blamed him; that was a big question to be asking so flippantly. But it was one Demyx had been wanting to ask for a while. He knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Zexion, and was pretty sure the other felt the same way. And such a decision would be a big part of their life together.

"I don't-" Which made Demyx's heart skip a beat, until Zexion amended, "Is that what you want?"

Wrapping both hands around Zexion's and pressing them against his forehead, as if bowed in prayer, Demyx replied, "I want a family, Zex. Right now, I have that with you, and if it stays just you and me, I'll never complain. I'm just-" He laughed, breathily, continuing, "I don't want you to feel like you can't tell me what you want. I want what you want."

He felt Zexion lean over to rest his head on Demyx's. In a voice with the authority he reserved for students, and the tenderness that only Demyx ever heard, he demanded, "But what do you want?"

"I..." For a moment, he didn't dare answer. In something like a sigh, he managed to answer, "I think I want a little girl of our own."

Silence. Shaky breaths. Then Zexion replied, barely above a whisper, "Me too."

* * *

"Leaving already?"

_Shit._ Riku replied over his shoulder, trying for the unaffected tone he could usually reach, "Yeah, I think it's about time to head out. I'll see you guys tomorrow anyway, right?"

"Well, yeah, I doubt we're going anywhere," Axel replied, glancing back into the yard, where Sora and Roxas were moving furniture to better suit their desires. Then he returned to Riku, asking, "I just thought you'd at least say goodbye to Sora before sneaking out."

Feeling the guilt that point was meant to inflict, Riku agreed, "I was going to, I just... Didn't want to make him uncomfortable, I guess."

Axel considered this briefly, musing, "Oh. You actually told him, didn't you?"

"Yeah," Riku answered. "Yeah, I... I told him. And he seemed okay with it, but then he's been avoiding me all night, so I want to give him some space."

Which the redhead understood, more than he wanted to. But he just nodded, adding, "He might not need space, kid."

"Heh. Maybe you're right." Clearing his throat, turning to leave again, he mused, "Maybe I need the space."

So he walked away from Axel. When Axel walked back outside, the brothers turned to him; Roxas knew something was wrong, and Sora, taking a quick glance around the yard, knew what was missing. The brunette found him unlocking his car, and grabbed his free hand firmly. He hadn't ever admitted it, not even to Roxas, but the way Riku turned to look at him made his knees weak.

Hell, Riku made him weak.

"You're leaving."

Nodding, Riku tried to explain, "I didn't want to distract you."

"Riku, I-" Swallowing, trying to steady his voice, Sora attempted again, "I don't want you to leave."

The older man closed his vehicle's door, asking, "You don't?"

"Of course not," Sora replied with an almost hysterical laugh before he continued, "Why would I want you to leave?"

Riku answered almost automatically, "Because I confuse you. Because you don't know how to trust me. Because you don't want to trust me. Because I don't deserve you."

_You're ridiculous._ Shaking his head, Sora could only repeat, "I don't want you to leave."

"Do I scare you, Sora?" When he didn't answer, Riku asked of him further, "Have I been wrong all these years? Did you forgive me a long time ago, and just gave up trusting me?"

Sora felt his eyes beginning to sting, and willed himself to not cry; he hated crying, especially in front of Riku. Riku never cried. "I am scared, Riku, but not of you. Never of you. Of _losing_ you. I'm so sick of losing the people I love, and now-" He was crying now, of course, and rubbed at his eyes in frustration, continuing, "Just when I stop losing Roxas, I start losing you. And I'm so scared."

Gentle hands pulled his away from his face; Riku looked down at him, an exasperated smile tugging at his lips as he chided, "You cry too much... I make you cry too much."

"Stay with me," Sora murmured softly, and when the other didn't respond, he sealed their lips together, ready to burst back into tears when Riku pressed against him tenderly.

"Stay with me. Please."

* * *

As the hour grew later and later, the locals (like Hayner, Olette, Pence and Kairi) returned to their homes. Reno, Rikku and Corrine had left when it had started to get dark, as Corrine hadn't appreciated her wake-up, a phrase which here means "the loud crash of Sora and Hayner smacking into a table". Those who'd traveled a long distance like Roxas and Axel and Demyx and Zexion had opted to wait until morning, a phrase which here means "Axel was no longer able to walk a straight line and Demyx wanted to make fun of him".

Roxas thought that Riku had announced his departure at one point, but then he didn't leave. When Roxas saw him sitting next to Sora, watched the way he shyly slipped his hand below the brunette's, he couldn't help but think that was part, if not the entirety, of the reason. Seeing Sora's smile at the touch made him think that, maybe, he was ready to admit that he'd loved Riku the whole time.

Speaking of which. "Axel?"

"Hmm?" The redhead asked, laying in the grass next to him.

Which wasn't a bad place to be. Pretty much all the remaining guests were lounging in the backyard, some in the grass, some on the furniture (_Hell,_ Sora had manhandled the couch onto the patio so he could be outside). Demyx had crawled into Zexion's chair, holding the smaller against his chest, talking softly about something that was written all over Zexion's face.

Roxas shook his distractions clear, reminding, "You had a question."

"Oh, right." Axel pulled himself up, sitting in front of Roxas with a look of forced focus. "Today, Roxas, is your birthday."

Laughing, Roxas replied, "Yes, I know."

"Don't laugh, that wasn't the point. Or, it was, but I- Just stop laughing!" Because Roxas laughing was making Axel laugh, and he struggled to continue, "Two years ago today, it was also your birthday. But, more importantly, two years ago today, I met you in a bar called _Lufaine_. It was your birthday, and you were all by yourself."

Before he could follow through, Roxas interrupted, "You're not drunk, are you?"

"Nah, I only had a few shots, and that was WAY earlier, and Rikku did NOT mix them," Axel assured him, explaining when he realized he was rocking back and forth, "This is not from drinking. This is from the beginning of the extremely premature hangover, because I've become a lightweight. Being with you has pretty much wiped out my alcohol tolerance."

He managed to sober himself as he added, "I know what I'm saying, Rox, I wanted to ask last year, I just... wasn't sure it was the right time. Because I was afraid you wouldn't have an answer."

Which Roxas understood, and staring into Axel's eyes, Roxas believed him.

"Your question?"

So Axel finally asked, "Why were you in a bar, alone, on your birthday?"

Roxas took a deep, almost shaky breath, and replied, "Sora had called, earlier that week, to ask if I was going to see Mom and Dad. I told him I'd think about it, but I... for the week before that, and until that night, I'd been having these weird dreams. And not like my usual weird dreams, I'm talking Alice in Wonderland drunk and high and upside down."

"That's a fairly descriptive explanation," Axel mused.

With a soft chuckle, Roxas conceded, "That's what it felt like. Not that dreams ever make sense, but those were... Even in the dream, I knew something was wrong. But that night, before I met you, that night I dreamed about the hospital and how I wasn't supposed to exist. Only the people I black were people I knew. Mom and Dad, Naminé, Leon, old doctors and teachers. And front and center was Sora."

"Needless to say," He added after a moment, "I wasn't quite sure I wanted to be around them that day. So I was alone."

And for a moment, Roxas looked alone again. Small and lost and scared. Axel hated seeing him that way.

But then it was gone, and with a smile, the blonde moved forward, straddling Axel's hips and murmuring, "But you found me, so I wasn't alone."

"Mhmm." Axel kissed him, sweetly, softly, slowly; in all his life, he'd never wanted to hold onto a moment the way he wanted to cling to this one.

Just sitting in the grass, Roxas's hands against the back of his neck, arms wrapped around his waist. Just staring straight into the blue eyes, falling further and further into them.

"I'll never leave you alone again, Rox."

Trembling, Roxas replied, "I wouldn't want it any other way."

Another kiss before Axel added, as he often did now, "I love you, Roxas. I love you."

"Mhmm," Came the almost teasing recourse, before he answered in kind, "I love you, Axel."

* * *

And THAT, my good people, is the real and final end. Gosh. TWO. MOTHER. LOVING. YEARS. Gracious.

I'd like to thank everyone who's ever reviewed, and especially those who became regulars. The entire point of is to build a community of readers and writers, and you guys have helped to do that. In writing this story, I've made connections with people all over the world, near and far. I gained a pen pal, became a beta-reader- life is good.

On that point, I'd like to make a note here: Vincent Corazza, the English voice actor for Zexion, can perfectly replicate Zexy's expression; he has also lent his voice to Tuxedo Mask in Sailor Moon. If that means nothing to you, you have no childhood and I'm sorry. Google it. Please. As part of the community, I'd like to introduce you to it.

In related news, in a lot of your Huzzah-Endings-Reviews (thanks again, by the way), there was well-wishing for my future works, which sprung up a new issue: I had NO IDEA what to do after finishing STCT. Thankfully, that has taken care of itself, and the next story has already BEGUN! Ahaha! Ahaha haha haha! Anyway. It's titled Cavalcade, should you want to read it. And I hope you want to.

Be safe. See ya around!


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